165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

Post for actualizedorg. I watched a boy and a girl being bullied by two colleagues of mine. I said nothing to avoid becoming a target. Nothing in my class said. I am questioning if I acted correctly. Same day and I was made fun of by them too- I thought I was not and wont be in their target since uni started. Well, I am now. Nothing physical, yet. Just questions like- how many girls did you bang, do you masturbate hahah?, how many girlfriends did you have, do you have driver ID, etc. I am waiting for them to become physical so I can beat them. At least one of them I am sure I can but the other one has two years experience in fighting and im not confident to confront him. I feel overwhelmed of neg feelings from time to time. Interesting thing that I am even more angry on this because they are two years younger and rednecks. I was raised to think I am better than countryside people. And I see myself as smarter than my colleagues because I am 21. Plus that they had more experience with girls than me. I am going I am worried if they will pass the year and I wont- this would be horrible. So I will use these bad feelings to fuel my motivation to study. It worked two years ago.

 

I feel inferior to them in some areas. As I see so far, the problems I don’t focus on grow harsher each year. I cant accept I am like this and cant even see myself being like this 6 years in the future. Is unacceptable. Also, I cant understand how I was much much weaker in school. After the past few days I see myself as a fraud trying to work on the internship. I don’t see myself worth to even work in that environment when I am being made fun of at uni.

 

After seeing myself being so afraid to be picked on at uni I started to question my persona. The last few years I made choices based on avoiding past traumas to repeat. I changed the way I look, do, watch, friends, hobbies, carrier and more. And it seems it was all to heal past wounds and avoid the past. From this point I am questioning my current lifestyle. Is it authentic or just different ways to cope with the past? Is the type of girl i find attractive really personal, or just a way to impress the people who made fun of me and a reflection of their type? Do i want to become an entrepreneur or i want to prove i will be successful? Am i really interested in social media and marketing or do i want to impress people from my past? Am i really interested in the people i am friends now or do i want to look cool and interesting by association? Am i really enjoying working with entrepreneurs or just try to avoid being bullied at work?

Edited December 14, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

In the last two days we got in three different arguments with clients. Cops should up twice. Everything was fine for us. I was very proud and surprised of the way I stood up  fro myself and insulted those clients. And how calm I was when I spoke with the cops. I have made huge progress.

But after the third incident I remembered about the bulling at university and just fell in old patterns of fear and weakness. Is captivating how this works. Is amazing how untreated trauma evolves over the years. Thinking of confronting the two bullies makes me afraid and overwhelmed with frustration and daydreaming of scenarios. I suppose the reason is that one of them has more experience in fighting and both have more experience with girls. Interesting how these two factors dictate if I am standing up for myself or not. I am blown away by the logic of my own mind.

Edited December 21, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Accomplishments:

• Done two internships at amazing companies which helped me understand more what I want to do with my career.
• Volunteering
• Almost had a date, and other big improvements with girls
• Started krav maga, already 6 months
• Joined an amazing internship in my city
• Passed all exams and tests at new uni
• Made true friends
• Didn’t befriend shit people at new uni
• Discovered a new passion
• Improved my arguing skills
• Starting to get my shit together

 

Mistakes:

• Failed uni in nl
• Pleasing too much people
• Being too distant with my family
• Not starting pick-up
• Gave up planning my time and weeks

 

Goals 2020:

• Pick-up
• Passing all exams

In detail: I made a schedule of the books on pickup to start reading and practice. I plan to pass all exams and tests- studying in advance, already made a schedule, asking for help

Other: Erasmus, Involving myself more with this current internship and the one I'll start, read books related to internship work, keep up krav maga, another internship this summer, improve clothing, Driver ID

Edited December 25, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

The girl I rejected didn't contact me and i am happy about this. This whole things was started by my desperation and everything resulted was unnecessary. The girl i was chasing didn't answer to my messages. I got the message. It was an amazing experience. I pushed myself far. 

It baffles me how smart and advanced I am in some areas and how  immature emotionally and mentally I am in others. I am thinking about my career by doing internships and getting involved in these amazing projects at such a young age but I am acting completely childish with girls. Like I am not the same person.

Edited December 25, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I will go alone at a club to celebrate NYE, like i did last year. I am going for the music. Last year it was first time alone and it was amazing. Midnight caught me dancing- no bullshit countdown or wishes. I used to spend  celebrating with friends or family, both unsatisfactory. At home i would witness my parents arguing and with friends just feeling bad for hanging out with them and not having  a girlfriend.  They would ask me why dont i have a girlfriend like them, am i gay or what? With friends, i would join to look cool but i would want to leave the second i saw them. So much boredom with them. Glad i dont have those toxic friends around anymore.

I am already working on my two main goals for 2020, and the side ones too.  I am happy i passed all exams which made me motived to improve other areas. Finally. 

Edited December 31, 2019 by Everyday

[RendHeaven]

You got this  Happy new year.

[Everyday]

On 31/12/2019 at 4:44 AM, Everyday said:

I am already working on my two main goals for 2020, and the side ones too.  I am happy i passed all exams which made me motived to improve other areas. Finally. 

Started listening to an audiobook called daygame by roosh v.  His style resonates with my level of development in relationships: red and orange. Also, begun educating myself regarding the work i am doing for this internship and the one i will start this year. I got pissed for not starting this sooner. So much stress and guilt could have been avoided if i only read books and listened to podcasts ?‍♂

On 25/12/2019 at 9:35 PM, Everyday said:

Goals 2020:

• Pick-up
• Passing all exams

Looking back on 2019, I concluded that I should say a big NO to any work for internship during tests and especially exams. I made the mistake of doing other time consuming work before exams and this is one of the reasons which caused failing uni.

Edited January 2, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

@RendHeaven happy new year man!

[Everyday]

Hey 

At krav maga the other teacher and the older students started speaking about their fights, some avoided and some done. Interesting that they realised the damage they can make and chose not to attack but others did it for fun.  Also, they chose not to strike because the paper work necessary with the police.

This made me think about my situation at uni with the two guys making fun of me. And that i am not doing much to stop them. This talk made me to conclude that i cant go on like this, i i will respond their insults with insults. Is not OK to let them treat me like this no matter you put it. And i am sure i can beat one of them but the other has some fighting experience. Even if it leads to fight i will fight, and i will make him hit first so i will hit back as much as i can and then go to the police to file a complaint against him. This whole situation makes me emotional and to get lost in frustration and anger. 

I cant let someone to treat me like this, especially rednecks like them. Is unrealistic to wait a few more years until i feel confident in my fighting skills to stand up for myself.  

Another idea would be to ask my krav maga teacher for advice. Also, to ask my father and brother for advice. When i was in middle school i got beat up and i was too ashamed to ask for help. It was a mistake. 

[Everyday]

So I read this article and it reminded me why I started krav maga: to learn to protect myself in a street fight. I forgot this in the last few months and imagined I will do it until brown belt. But that’s not my goal. The article talked how knowing various styles of combat is better. Thus, I will continue with krav for two years and after that boxing or kickboxing.

Another thing I am concerned is that there is no sparring in krav maga. You learn dangerous kicks but pretend to use them. My teacher said he never had a fight since he started krav maga because he knows kicks too dangerous to be used- I think that’s bullshit. I want to learn to fight from someone who uses his knowledge in real fights on the street. I know that at kickboxing there are bouncers and other guys who actually use what they learn.

Edited January 6, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I read a few pages from the beginning of this journal. I cant believe i wrote that. ?‍♂

 

[Everyday]

On 14/07/2019 at 0:56 AM, Everyday said:

I started working for my family and i dont like it. The work is both deeply boring and in the same time hard and it triggers me. Maybe two more weeks and i wont have to help them. Now work from 7 in the morning until 8 at night and i am really tired. I can push myself to cook but not to meditate or read. I almost have the money for the first month of Krav Maga. I will apply for a job in my desired field as soon as i dont have to be a part of the family business.

Now i find myself quite wanting more money! I didn't think i would get the taste for making money. Am i getting more orange?

[Everyday]

On 14/07/2019 at 0:56 AM, Everyday said:

I feel afraid to get into conflict with intimidating people and if i would be able to handle it. 

Proud i made some progress improving that skill!

[Everyday]

Exams are near and I am beginning to freak out again. I feel huge resistance to study but i can tackle it since i passed everything so far. But it takes me a long time until i start each time.

[Everyday]

The last few days i found myself getting overwhelmed by rage and negative emotions. I imagine how conflicts would go at university or working for my parents. I elaborate ways to insult and swear, where to hit and so on. is very exhausting. Which makes me unable to sleep or study. When i feel this i have to remind myself that i am not dealing with any of that right now. That i am in my room safe and studying for exams. 

I think that one of the reasons i got into a lot of stuff to do beside university is to exactly make me avoid studying and the struggle that comes with it. I noticed that i want to put even more energy in my hobbies now, when i should study for exams than before. That's sneaky. It feels crucial to work on those projects right now then to pass exams.

[Everyday]

wow

[Everyday]

On 25/12/2019 at 9:35 PM, Everyday said:

Goals 2020:

• Pick-up
• Passing all exams
• Driver ID

I think i will get my driver license this year after exams, starting in march. I also decided to focus even more on these goals based on their value for me. So i stopped reading about pick up and everything not related with studying or improving studying. First thing first is to pass all exams. I have time to deal with the other goals after exams.

Edited January 8, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

Edited January 10, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Studying is getting better but i am not starting each day at the same time in order to make it a habit.  I am not so easily distracted by my phone or my rage thoughts. I study in sessions of around one hour to thirty minutes then a short break. I have water on my desk and thick clothes. I noticed i am very resistant to sit at the desk when i feel cold. I would rather be lazy in bad. Practicing deep work is amazing- wish i started a year ago with this. But back then no matter how weird it sounds i thought i dont have the time to learn how to learn.

I addition to stopping reading and working on the other goals i said no to any work for my old and new internships. I need the time to study. Last year i did the opposite. What matters now is to pass those exams. I can pick up with everything else afterwards.

I went to bed earlier but i remembered that one dude beat me in middle school and that i should check his profile to see what martial art he learned and where. I found one dojo so far. My idea behind this is that i will be able to let it go if i am doing that martial art for more years than he did. Thus being better than him. So far learning self-defense increased my self esteem and life quality a lot so i will keep on this road. I exercised in my room in order to gain muscle a few years ago and didn't see the same results in my confidence. It barely made any difference. 

Anyways, my quick check turned on to evolve in buried feelings of envy that he had more sex and girlfriends than me. I was in this state for hours looking at his profile. This made me commit to continue with reading daygame right after exams. If i was able to improve my fear of verbal and physical confrontation and i can tackle this as well. I also, remembered some of the insecurities i had back then, and how i got to the point that i dont even think about it now. My brain reminds over and over again of what i still need to take care of, and i have to get the hint and work on it.

My best friend is better with girls than me. He always talks about girls, sex and his ex girlfriend. I feel embarrassed for not having what to add to the conversation. But also upset that i have the impression that he is just bragging about his few experiences. This guy who beat me had more sex than my best friend and he didnt use to point it out all the time. Seems that i never stopped attracting toxic people in a way or another. I dont consider ok for him to brag so much and make me look bad.

My mind went into several directions, arising thoughts and memories. One worth to notice that i feel like a fraud to work for that internship and of improving myself more and more. I think of myself as a fraud. I feel i am not good enough or deserving to go on with my life unless i am good with girls and to be able to beat the people who beat me. Like how can I do passionate work now and in the future if i cant approach a girl or be able to have better fighting skills than the level that those people had when made me feel like shit?

Edited January 12, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 18/04/2018 at 0:50 AM, Everyday said:

Goals:

• weekly 30m of  shamanic breathing 
• to transition from 30m of do nothing meditation to 30m mindfulness meditation
• to finish the LP course 
• to spend more time outside 
• to re-start doing mind powers exercises consistently
• to read at least 3 books 
• to continue pushing  myself daily  
• no tv series or movies
• eating clean(less sweets,bread,processed meat)
• daily journaling ( onenote) 
• to improve my English skills
• going to sleep at a decent time(23.00/00.00)
• to make a vision board 
• no facebook
• solo meditation retreat
• to travel alone in my country for at least 3 days 
• to continue abstaining from alcohol and weed (one year and six months since i drank alcohol or smoked weed)
• to continue nofap ( i relapsed yesterday after one year and three months)

I tried to focus on too many goals at once and failed. I didn't end up with any solid skill or knowledge. I put a lot of stress and pressure on myself. But I m making the same mistake over again. I decided not to start another internship this summer. I already have two, even if i didn't start to work a lot for the second. The summer internship i wanted to do is doing something i need time to learn to do it right. I cant do it properly this summer. I decided that i better keep on with my current goals. And pondering which other goals to move for another year too. I have time to do everything and i better do one thing at a time (ideally) properly.

Update: After i wrote that last night i had another idea: to focus on the two internships for 2 years and then dive deep into social media. Social media its own thing and requires massive effort and practice. I want to do things right and get some read knowledge. I cant juggle with 3 internships. Is not productive and i dont make real progress. I have all the time in the world to focus on my passions. And i should cut it down to one internships but i dont see this happening.

Edited January 12, 2020 by Everyday