165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

@RendHeaven Definitely. I am doing now stuff i wanted to do for years ( e.g. Krav maga) yet, I'm struggling with this backlash. On one hand, I'm growing exponentially during the day but indulging at night.

 

How are you planning to deal with this backlash? 

 

Wish you good luck with your journey. 

[RendHeaven]

@Everyday All plans eventually fail.

I always gather my resolve and blast through the laziness with passion and fury only for it to burn out within a week or so.

This pattern is constantly on loop. I've more or less accepted this. Ideally the fluctuations will lessen, but it's really tough.

I cannot trust myself to tame this with "willpower." 

At this point, the strategy is patience. As long as I bounce back, I consider myself on the right path.

 

On another note, will you be going back to college this year? Interesting how this thread has "college" in the header but you don't talk about it that much anymore!

[Everyday]

11 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

On another note, will you be going back to college this year? Interesting how this thread has "college" in the header but you don't talk about it that much anymore!

I got accepted at uni in my home city  starting this autumn and i'll be studying the same major as before. I got accepted some time ago but didnt discuss this here because i dont want to worry and overthink like i did last summer before college. I want to focus on the present moment.

 

11 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

This pattern is constantly on loop. I've more or less accepted this. Ideally the fluctuations will lessen, but it's really tough.

I cannot trust myself to tame this with "willpower." 

At this point, the strategy is patience. As long as I bounce back, I consider myself on the right path.

That's pretty good that you've accepted this. I know is though especially when the indulging is too frequent.

[Everyday]

at krav maga it was good. so I went to three schools so far. the first and the thrid were very good, and the second was ok. the last two do not focus on the basics as much as the first. I do not like this. Thus, I will go to the first started for a while and then change to the second with more practice in pairs. my coordonation is better, first time and second my brian would block and confuse right with left and so on. i felt ashamed but kept pushing myself. At first I didn't want to go because I didn't think I was sick, no matter how long and practical I compare to the guy who beat me in middle school. but here i have 3 krav maga lessons later and i see progress. I will try martial arts systems next week for curiosity and then I will go to the first school every week.

in addition to this, I try to embody this concept: is ok to fail the first few times, but each tiem you get 10% better. the biggest mistake is to quit first time.

[Everyday]

Hey guys!

I started my internship this Monday at the start-up company I told you about. I do and learn how to do marketing, beside learning more about the crop they grow. I like this urban approach to farming. I don’t see myself growing plants at a farm in the middlefuck somewhere. I felt self doubt: there are people who speak English better then me, know more about marketing and so on yet, I am the only one who asked them for an internship in all the people living in this city! But my insecurities diminish as I get better. I met amazing people and all are interested in spirituality and self development at some degree. They all told me how smart I am for doing this work at such a young age. One of my favourite moments was when my boss watched some videos on YT and read articles about how to do a certain part of the project. It was so eye-opening to see that I don’t need to know everything nor entrepreneurs do. They learn and that's ok. I feel good and proud of myself.

Hope you all are having a good time too.

 

Edited August 8, 2019 by Everyday

[Zigzag Idiot]

This last post caused me to go back and take a look at the beginning of your Journal which apparently I hadn't done. There is so much more about you I didn't know. Congratulations on the internship!

I'm happy for you.

[Everyday]

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you very much! 

[Everyday]

Work for my family is going well. plenty of opportunities to deal with conflict. I am making small steps daily. I feel very tired. But I am making progress. The work I do as an intern is challenging but I learn new things. 

I just noticed how much bullshit I was doing when I had time. Time all day. So much time spent thinking and wasting mental energy. Revising mistakes and what ifs. Now I know what I really want and need to do and I do it. 

[Everyday]

today was tough. i procrastinated on the project i was supposed to do at work (internship) today. i felt drained and lost all hope. at work (family) afterwards i just wanted to fell asleep and put a pause. anyways, work got my mind off things and now i feel better.

 

 

Edited August 14, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

From Saturday with the right mood i wrote this: Learning self-defense and getting used to manage conflict brings a lot of painful memories, feelings and my mind is running crazy with conflict and fight scenarios out of the blue. There are many emotions and trauma i just forced myself to forget about. I suppressed trauma and now it all comes up. Now is all coming back and is overwhelming. Everyday life and routine triggers me to re-live all the events that damaged my self-confidence. Is happening so fast and strong. I guess i am on the right way. I realised what i should have done after those events happened and how it fucked me up because i didn't. Next week krav maga again. 

 

 

Today's Update: I keep feeling unease and imagine conflicts and fights. I am more aware of these passing feelings and thoughts. At work I noticed that most people are behaving decent, some are very nice and a few assholes. Each day i encounter these people. I like talking with the nice people and have no problem with the decent ones. The assholes are an opportunity and a gift to grow each day. Like today an asshole started being rude and telling me how we should run our business and other crap. I talked back to him for a few minutes then ignored him. I decided i pushed myself enough and left him talk shit without paying attention afterwards. I cant recall last time i stood up for myself but today i felt good. It was a stepping stone.

I am still implementing letting myself fail again and again in order to learn. I practice letting go of mistakes and moving on. It works even if sometimes i get emotional thinking of them. 

I keep going late to sleep and other destructive habits. I didn't meditate in a long time. 

Edited August 19, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey.

Things are going well. At self-defense lessons it was interesting. Before coming there I thought I am very good at fighting naturally, a way of my ego to protect itself from feeling weak. Each time I try to be realistic and to accept that I am learning more each time and arrogance wont result in growth.

Also, I realised how arrogant I am. I think i am better than everyone else just because i am myself; getting into personal development made it worse. All this arrogance and superiority come from a place of inertia and comfort. Especially when i was in high school and earlier. I would look on 9GAG at ''travel the world and society is in a rat race'' posts, roll my eyes and think how smart am I for agreeing with those pics. But i am just a beginner as i was back then. If i am arrogant i don't grow. Is simple. 

At internship i feel the same. First day i thought what a smart ass I am, better than my bosses and everyone else there. And as it happened with self-defense i am slowly realising i know nothing. I am there to learn and being arrogant is dumb and unproductive.

[Everyday]

 

 

[Everyday]

 

[Everyday]

Update: 

I kept contemplating the quote from below. I realise day after day how much is was an impediment for me over the years and still is.

On 24/08/2019 at 0:17 AM, Everyday said:

also, I realised how arrogant I am. I think i am better than everyone else just because i am myself; getting into personal development made it worse. All this arrogance and superiority come from a place of inertia and comfort. Especially when i was in high school and earlier. I would look on 9GAG at ''travel the world and society is in a rat race'' posts, roll my eyes and think how smart am I for agreeing with those pics. But i am just a beginner as i was back then. If i am arrogant i don't grow. Is simple. 

I still look down on any start-up, other people's success, profession, knowledge, success, smart people and so on and almost unconsciously i think i am above them. This is a measure of protecting myself from feeling small, weak and sad. I see more and more in how many areas of my life i chose to take no action because ''i am too smart and to good already''. Yet there is no value in wasting time, no growth. 

 

[Everyday]

Got drunk the other day and made a stupid post about it. It was a long day.

 

Update:

Got in more arguments and conflicts at family business. A client stole some cheap stuff a few weeks ago and we saw it on camera. Weeks later he came back. My brother and father did absolutely nothing even if I told them that the guy is there as I speak with them. They just said yeah that's life and people are evil. And they two are the ones who are always hostile and talk shit about other people. This made me see them in a new light. That they talk more than they act. Anyways, I was really anxious to confront that guy and hesitated. But I did in the end. He denied but I persisted. He said I should be careful of accusing him of stealing and other justification on how I am imagining what happened. He brought the stolen stuff back a few hours later. The product was taken care of and washed before he gave it to us. Definitely he was lying. I was surprised how he was denying it so strongly even if he was guilty. Me confronting him wasn’t about the product stolen which was in bad shape anyways. It was about honing my confrontation skills. I realized that my expectations of how confronting someone in real life is exaggerated.

I observed that every time i want to stand up for myself i feel resistance and fear of punishment. By this i mean to be physically or verbally put down for daring to stand up for myself. It feels so strong.

Understood even more at self defence classes how much I have to work to get serious results. I will use this to build self confidence. Every time I am pushing myself too much at training I think how everyone there is dumb and I will return one day with motivation and work ethic out of a sudden and be amazing. I know so well it will never happen and I am just trying to trick myself. For a few weeks now I had all the confrontation and arguments I have ever lived though coming back in my mind. But with all the emotions suppressed. Now those memories calmed down.

 

 

This summer and year altogether i can say i worked really hard on some stuff to change myself and neglected other areas. There are still areas i have to change asap but i can say i am glad with the growth i had so far. 

Edited September 6, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

update: 

going to zazen next week. 

saw a fight on the street between some guys. very interesting. saw how they had no structure in fighting and how one of the guys could have escaped from a chock hold by hitting the guy with his elbows. also observed that the friends of the fighting guys were just looking at them. interesting.

beside that i would have written about other recurring thoughts and feelings i wrote about already. 

[Everyday]

Interesting reads: 

• https://www.kravmaga.com/belts-in-krav-maga-what-each-signifies/
• https://www.salsamacho.com/the-krav-maga-belt-system-explained/

 

[Everyday]

I will take my kimono finally. To be honest i dont see myself in one or getting to own different belts. I dont think i am good enough. I want to quit and return confident in a few years. But I read that confidence comes after not before; I will grow confident wearing it. 

College starts soon. I cant say i am happy about this. I really like my schedule now, with the internship, krav maga, family business and other chores. I dont want to be sucked up back in caring too much of my social status and try hard to fit in. I want to my schedule intact for a few months more. I am really happy i spend my summer here and I will be around for 4 years. I love living in a big city. I hated living in a town abroad. And i realised recently that i was sad and lonely in NL. But I didn't want to admit this to myself. It took courage to admit it. That's the reason I was craving drugs, fast food, sweets, porn, fap, excitement and self-punishment. I was really happy that I failed so I can go back home. I feel here are things I didn't resolve here. Since i got back i felt these craving at a quarter at how strong they were there. Now i feel like getting drunk once a month but there it was every week. Interesting. I was talking shit about my family and country when i was in NL, but i was ignorant back then. I feel bad for being such an ass with my family. My country is still shit but here are some good people (e.g. internship boss and his friends) and some cool events and opportunities. I spent lots of time speaking shit about my nation and country- all that energy would have been spent in better places.

Edited September 12, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I feel consumed by regreat now. I am holding up crying. I am thinking back about all the mistakes i have done in NL. I think about all things which arent going as i want in my life right now.

Edited September 23, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Update: Used the kimono twice. I feel more deserving and confident wearing it. But i had to actually buy and wear it whilst feeling doubts. Is still very humbling to go to the dojo. I am still accepting the reality that i am learning self defence and currently suck at it. All these years i thought i ''already know whatever they have to teach me'' just go there and realise i know nothing. I protected my ego from reality. In which areas am i fooling myself? I meditated 3 times of 5 m each last week in bed laying down. I have increased my food intake since i got home. So easy to eat when i have so much food around. I eat many things which aren't healthy. I even forgot about the 10 min concentration practice i used to do before meditation. LOL. More buried arguments from the past cam to my awareness as i am learning to fight and deal with people at work. Still unpleasant when they arise but i am healing. I expected i would feel confident 100% if i learn how to fight asap. It makes me sad that all these years of avoiding conflict and feeling frustrated could have been changed if i had the right information. What would i do differently? First thing after being beaten in middle school I would have started learning to fight and set boundaries. That's it. frustration and denial made my life a hell many years after these events occurred. I couldn't let it go. Still cant, But i have to say i feel calmer and more ok with what happened. Because i am changing now and building the skills to deal with conflicts and fights in the future.

There are so many things that seem genuinely urgent. Is so hard to make the difference with my goals. I am afraid i will run out of time if i dont do everything now. I am not satisfied with my life deep down. I have problems falling asleep. I cant bear being alone at night with my thoughts. I want to do ashtanga yoga now as well. And read more books and so on. Just to do it at a mediocrity level and feel stressed and guilty afterwards. 

I realised that when i was in NL i felt alone deep deep down. My junk food cravings, together with drinking and smoking weed were helping me cope with my loneliness and other things i missed i am not yet aware. Sometimes i had to listen to music all day just to get through the day. But i was too proud that I would even miss my family and crowded city.  I wish i was nicer with my family when i was gone, they deserve it. they are good people.

Edited September 23, 2019 by Everyday