165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

i spoke with my father and he suggested to come back bc i need a degree and than i can return here. he said i will never have a high paying job without a degree and stuff like this. he supports me if i come back and i appreciate this. my mother and sister came up with the idea to email companies in other european countries as well- i think this is smart. i didnt tell me father my passion and that i applied to that certain niche companies. to be honest i am ashamed he will make fun of me if i dont get accepted. 

[Everyday]

Hey

last few days i emailed many companies from EU. two said they aren't hiring. tomorrow i will visit a company. i will ask after the company tour for a paid internship/ job. this company is amazing. both good salesman and growers. i got a possible answer from a company in NL. they offer a paid internship but it isn't good paid that i can live only from it. told my family and they got really angry and worried for me. as alternatives i thought of going to my city or another one back home. using summers to do internships abroad. my best friend i made here offered to borrow me money until i find a place and a job to stay if i need. he is the best friend i ever got. he listened to me dealing with this issue currently. i high school and earlier i never had such a good friend. 

finished the book on breaking bad habits finally. i only read a few pages in 2017 from it. a little ti more in 2018 and this fucking month i finished it. useful knowledge. i am reading it all over again. i got some major insights in my behaviour patters.

Edited June 18, 2019 by Everyday

[RendHeaven]

Really inspiring - keep it up

[Everyday]

Thank you very much this really helps!

[Everyday]

The company from NL who which is most likely to offer me a paid internship but no job is paying 250 not 500 euros as i expected. when i heard this i was triggered at the moment. they might offer me even less if i dont have to commute. I cant live with 250 euros and the money from a part time job combined ever! Yesterday i was supposed to visit the company i talked about. I got off at the wrong stop because i was only looking on GPS and not outside as well. I wanted to go by bus to make it on time. i had no cash and i couldn't pay with my card. the only ATM available was 28 min away. i accepted my mistake and messaged them and the guy i had main contact said he is stuck in traffic anyways. afterwards i visited the city. it was nice. i couldn't believe that i made such a funny mistake and in what situation i put myself by pushing myself to find work in this field. i repeated to myself that challenges make me stringer even if i will end up back in my country. my mother sends me every day facts about the universities in those two cities and possible choices i can make all but not staying here. my father and brother strongly disagree to work here just to make ends meets in the name of gaining knowledge and learning. they say i will be a slave for that company and i wont make MONEY! i sent two emails to big companies even if i don't actually want to learn from them. but barely any people even responded to my emails. my first emails were lame but last ones better. i talked about myself, my experience with growing that crop, my aims, etc. i keep loosing faith in this idea that i can find work here in this chosen market of mine. if i go home i have my own garden i can experiment in and less expenses. i would invest all the money i will have from my part time job in my projects. This makes me feel excited but i dont know if is because sounds like a break from the stress i feel know or i actually want it.

 

I made a list of reasons for deciding between the two cities i want to study back home. one of them is the capital, were i was born and raised and the other is basically a town. i would like to go to that student town but this would mean rent money and so on. but in this town i will have a blank slate. no aquintances from school or relatives. more freedom and intimacy. but less activities, supposedly better studies, meetup groups and less people. in my big city i would have lots of people, meetup groups, the opportunity to get a driving license, the techno music scene is better and my very own garden. but less privacy, more chores living with my family, arguing, and seeing people i know and want to avoid. my more people i mean more girls and and opportunity to have an endless supply without seeing them ever again and feeling shame. pickup is what i wanted and need to start for years now. plus i want a driving license to show myself i can do it and also the job I want at that company may require driving skills. 

 

After i cancelled the meeting at that company and visited the city i was feeling very anxious, sad, that there is no good future for me and basically all these are triggers for me to deny reality. i almost got hit by a cyclist and a bus and it started raining for a short period. and i was like seriously? and i was making myself to think this is funny in a way all this situation. i didn't like feeling so bad but i said to myself i am becoming a better version of myself. I was in the train back after and i was thinking of overeating and watching some movies or youtube to block myself from feeling down and hopeless. instead i forced myself to visualize fixing this. then writing how  i will fix my problems instead of denying them. like: i will send more emails,  i will wait for all my emails i sent to be answered, i have a plan b (going home), them ore mistakes i make the more i become a capable adult, that pushing myself in these hard situations will make be more experienced, that i will check the station stops next time and so on. i still felt these emotions and worries but it was better.

 

Three days ago I made a Tinder profile just to show myself i can do it and no body o know will find me on this app since i am not in NL right now. I swiped right without looking too much. I got one pic of me with the uni i failed. I got more then five matches in two days but i dont have it payed so i cant message all. only two i could and they didnt respond. I felt amazing. i dont expect at anything. i indeed showed myself that i dont have to be ultra-prepared to date. or i can stay 2 years in one city and 2 in the other. i thought about moving in a meditation kind of commune. i know is possible until i start school.

Edited June 21, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

[Everyday]

I journaled more about my bad habits to understand them. bad habits are formed when you fail to solve your problems. so always always ask other people, brainstorm, search answers and solutions when you face a problem otherwise a bad habit is formed (e.g. giving up and procrastination).

 

Re-starting learning Dutch

Problem: I wanted to re-start with dutch for some time now. But I had no idea from where to start. I made a 3 day plan not a 7 day plan, now I feel much much relaxed. Is not perfect but 30m every day is nice then nothing. All these months I didn’t do it just because I had no plan.

Solution: Pretty simple. I had to push myself. 3 days learning Dutch plan. 30min in total each day . Also you can search for how to make quick weekly schedules. Also think about the actual task. Just tacking 3min to write down in a table man.

Meditation inconsistency 

Problem: for over a year I have had difficulties and struggling with meditation. I feel I am not doing it right. I feel I don’t have time to learn to do it right. I have doubts about my practice. I feel resistant and guilt to meditate in a chair or on the ground. I feel cold and too stimulated and worried to do it. I perceive the whole process very difficult. I think I dont have time for 5m of meditation.

Solution: change technique, medi time or time span. Wear a blanket. Do it in the morning. Read 10 minutes every day about focus meditation from sites. Write down each day of medi evaluation of 2 sentences. I can rationize- that is quick and I will grow through and is good for me. meditated for 5m i had monkey mind.

Tackling eating junk food

Problem: I don’t want to get fat, to spend money on food. When I overeat junk food I feel sad, defeated, weak, ugly and off the path. Also, lost.

Solution: Journal about why you deny or run from current emotions or things that happened recently. Solutions how to fix not to run away. Other activities to do when feeling bored and defeated. Like reviewing your achievements. Writing lists. brainstorm solution for the very problems you run.

Tackling boredom and watching tv series/ movies

Problem: blocking bad emotions. Also, bored with the work that will make me grow. I perceive spending 2 h reading and watching  documentaries and learning dutch too hard and boring. I think I can do it.

Solutions: katie loving book- reframing bad emotions. Do it anyways, maybe it gets easier after a few weeks. Because the guilt will be gone. I feel resistant to read or watch documentaries or bad habit videos. I think of it as boring but tv is exciting. I watched a video on youtube of only 20 minutes. I felt a little annoyed for some reason. Good knx and felt good but I cant explain.

 Finding a place to stay here if i get a job

I am stressed about working and finding a place to stay in .. or .. What can I do so that I wont run out from bad feelings which would accumulate? To check rent prices, minimum wage required to live, possible jobs part time in NL and back home too. I can continue with other stuff that stress me. I saved and made a short list with possible jobs back home. I might feel less stressed but I don’t feel much different. Also, checked costs between cities. i saved good links. i feel more relaxed now a little bit- i have somehow a plan. also, i found the name of the ashram from my city back home i might stay until college starts.

[Everyday]

New emails: three rejections basically. All said they aren't looking for employees this summer. I dont know if this is true or not. One  really good small company said they only accepts workers as interns at first. But they are full for summer as well. Maybe I can go there next summer. Rent a place for a few months work part time and there and then come back for studies. On this Wednesday i have an interview at another amazing small company. Is very young so i am skeptic of ho much they can give me for now. My mother called me to tell i better decide already because my father is angry. She is afraid and abused verbally by him a long time and etc. i wont talk about it now. I fount it ridiculously to make a choice just because he is angry now. He is always angry! Lol. I decided to study back in my city if i dont get a job here now. I am starting to loose my hope. I am daydreaming about all the things i would be able to do once home. I checked another uni but they have some requirements i dont even meet. I told my parents after working for a company for a year i will go there to study to calm both down. They dont understand how i would be ok with living with just enough money all in the name of learning. What kind of life is that if you dont earn enough money? Both have miserable lives in my opinion btw. 

Edited June 24, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

No news today unfortunately. Two years ago I had back pain so bad I had done therapy and i was fine. I've got better slowly. The place i am working for the past month here (related to school) is involving lots of hard physical work. So far I was fine. But at the end of last week or this Monday I've forced myself too much. The last two days I started having lots of pain. It feels exactly like two years ago. I expected strong pain out of a sudden soon. Tried to work more carefully. But if it continues like this I will have to go back home to recover. I can not get mad anymore. Is just funny and unbelievable how many obstacles I get in my way. I just only want to work in that niche industry and fallow my passion and interests. 

[Everyday]

Hey! Just got back from that company. They said they have no internship or job offer in the summer. And defiantly no money for a paid internship. Well, i tried. Plus, i saw how this small company works and how can i work smth like this at home but small scale. The money and the 4 hours (back and forth) trip could have been avoided of i talked with the boss directly and told him i want to work this summer. The guys there don't communicate with each other so they had no idea I'm coming until i contacted them again this morning. Now each time i remember about failing college and not finding a job in the industry i will say all kinds of sentences i wrote down so to prevent negative beliefs to form. Like i cant get a job and so on. I didn't expect this situation to end like this. I decided to go back to my country. I have another interview at the beginning of July. And I will ask them if i can come next summer. I had enough. I will fix my back and save some money until then. Right after they told me i got angry and frustrated for failing college. I thought is not fair and how i missed a huge opportunity. But maybe i have to go backwards to go forward. Maybe this double failure is meant for a purpose in the near future by forcing me to come and study home. Maybe i will meet someone, learn smth and come across smth it will be worthwhile in the end. I can't see the reason behind these failures right now. 

Woke up and back pain was still there. Had pain all morning. Told to the people i work with i cant resist like this. Thought i will disappoint them. They were very understanding and kind. I will work a few hours from now on per day until i leave. When i went to visit that company i felt like all pain was gone. I was really excited and worried i will mess up and not arrive like last week. I arrived almost 20 min earlier. 

I have a few things i want to re-frame and develop now, instead of letting them become negative and limited beliefs. To improve my cv, knx on the subject and practical skills. I will improve my cv by updating LinkedIn and reading how to make a good resume articles. I will watch more videos on the subject i want to learn and make a plan step by step. I will apply for more jobs in the summer related to my passion. 

Edited June 26, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

Planned by departure. My back is better. I was really scared it will get worse. I will have a meeting with a guy from another company next week. I told him I might come next summer but I really want to learn how are they operating their small business. We will talk details at the company. Found a place for a possible internship over summer in my city. I got a date from Tinder. I did not expect this so soon. It was just a challenge. 

Thank you

Edited June 28, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hello,

The date from tinder stopped responding to my last message a few days ago. I don't mind. I t was a challenge after all. I got other 2-3 matches. Just one responded and I am chatting with her now. I learned to state in my description more, like how long i am in X country, what am I looking for etc. I saw some girls' description this way.

One company said they wont offer me an internship if i am not a student here anymore. This made me sad. This Friday I am going to the company which responded very fast. I told them the truth- if we can arrange something next summer because i am going to study in my country. They had no problem. I will find out details this Friday. And a company from another western European country responded. The guy was too busy with work. He said I must have some monetary means to cover my expenses besides what they give me. I can save up money and get a part time job while there as well. No problem. I am waiting for his response. 

I decided to start Krav Maga when I come back. I got some saved money to take lessons for at least 3 months. I want to start because I feel weak and afraid to stand up for myself in front of other men. I worry I will be beaten. It happened once in middle school. And I let that day affect me to this very day. 

 

Thank you

Edited July 3, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 03/07/2019 at 10:02 PM, Everyday said:

This Friday I am going to the company which responded very fast. I told them the truth- if we can arrange something next summer because i am going to study in my country. They had no problem. I will find out details this Friday. And a company from another western European country responded. The guy was too busy with work. He said I must have some monetary means to cover my expenses besides what they give me. I can save up money and get a part time job while there as well. No problem. I am waiting for his response. 

So this start-up business i went at yesterday was promising. I spoke with the head grower and he was very very nice. I said we better speak again next year in spring about this because many things can change. Money... maybe they will have to offer mare then 200 euros next year. The other company postponed the Skype interview to September because he is going in vacation. Also, these guys offer me 600 euros per month. sounds better. I told all of these to my father and the rest of family about these opportunities. He got angry and said is not really possible to do them because of money reasons. And so on. This affected me, but i can still go to volunteer abroad so all good. 

I said goodbye to some older friends yesterday. I mention that my brother is two years older than me. She is 34 and laughed. She said my brother is still a kid. I see myself as an adult now but in reality I am still a kid and I can take risks still.

Edited July 7, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I am back home for a few days already. I feel stressed again and worried but now i am aware of it. I came during easter break home this year, but now i feel more aware than ever of cultural differences and my emotions. I thought for months that i made no progress but turns out i did. i inquired my bad behaviours even more and found out that i am running to daydreaming and avoidance of certain feelings, actions and people. I just imagine how i will do it perfectly one day and for the present moment i just go home to be safe. This is a mistake. At home i dont overcome my fears and insecurities, i just deny they exist. No problem is getting solved. I feel afraid to get into conflict with intimidating people and if i would be able to handle it. 

I will go next week to a meditation group. 

I started working for my family and i dont like it. The work is both deeply boring and in the same time hard and it triggers me. Maybe two more weeks and i wont have to help them. Now work from 7 in the morning until 8 at night and i am really tired. I can push myself to cook but not to meditate or read. I almost have the money for the first month of Krav Maga. I will apply for a job in my desired field as soon as i dont have to be a part of the family business.

I  want to start cycling and delivering food in my city. Still scared but i cycled on the street today in light traffic and it was ok. Tomorrow evening i am going again further. 

I drank one raw egg mixed with milk. It was really tasty.

Edited July 13, 2019 by Everyday

[RendHeaven]

On 7/13/2019 at 4:56 PM, Everyday said:

I  want to start cycling and delivering food in my city. Still scared but i cycled on the street today in light traffic and it was ok. Tomorrow evening i am going again further. 

I do this currently as well. It's a lot of fun. I understand the irrational fear where you imagine every wrong thing that could happen haha.

Just do it!

[Everyday]

This Monday i went to do zazen in my city. It was very strict and my back was killing me because of the straight posture. But it was definitively worth it. I lost my seriousness doing meditation this last year. I indulged so much i became weak. I didnt progress much this current year and the other meditation group i used to go it was very laid back. I am getting back on track now! This morning i felt very resistant to do zazen but i just forced myself and i was proud in the end. 

I just spoke with my best friend from uni a few times now. I am glad we are keeping in touch. 

I cant start a job/ internship doing my passion for now because my parents really need my help with our business. Maybe in a few weeks. This was a very difficult year for both my family and myself. I started reading Animal farm during spear time at work. Well, i am halfway already. It hits me so hard, reading it and also living in a post-communist country. All that happens in the book i heard stories it happened in my country as well. That's insane. I made some money working for my family. Now i can pay first classes of krav maga and maybe for swimming days as well. i want to go to three different places and choose the best one for myself. 

On 15/07/2019 at 5:07 PM, RendHeaven said:

I do this currently as well. It's a lot of fun. I understand the irrational fear where you imagine every wrong thing that could happen haha.

Just do it!

Yeah... i indeed imagine all the accidents, problems and arguments which might arise. Thanks for encouragements man.

 

 

Edited July 17, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Finally went to krav maga a few days ago. I am a little sore but happy. I will go this week to other two dojos to choose the best teacher. 

Work at my parents business is challenging & that's good. 

Edited July 22, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

Zondag, 28 juli 2019

I had problems falling asleep lately. I listen to music, internet and masturbate until I fall asleep. Eating bad is less pronounced although I did eat sweets. My father started drinking more and this disgusts me. He drinks beer like water and then behaves like a jerk with us. I want to drink as well to feel better and fall asleep faster. I almost finished junky by William Burroughs. It amazing. I only listened when I was drunk, overstimulated after food and masturbation and very tired. I felt all the emotions, struggles, images, problems, and all he described in his book about addiction.

 

Found a start-up company in my city where I can do an internship right now. They are very sustainable and the people surrounding them are very green. I will work for them in production and marketing in a week or so. I am not sure if they can offer me what I want to learn but will see. I am pleased with them so far. They cant afford to pay me and my father made fun of me and said I am dumb for working for free. He wants to make money just to have money. It made me a little insecure but I am not going to take advice from a guy who watches tv at least 3-4 hours daily and drinks alcohol like water. 

 

I went to another krav maga school. I realized how I use a false superiority complex over anyone else so I wont hurt my ego. This school was more hands on practice- he had to fight with each other and I got my ass kicked. I thought of myself as being very good at fighting with no practice or anything. I blamed outer factors for not learning self-defence until now, just to realize I was the one not letting myself do it and discover my fighting skills are non existent. It was an interesting lesson. I started reading a book about confidence. I thought is lame at first but I found myself in one of the situations described by the other. If you had 10% more confidence what would you do? What would have you done but you didn’t so far? One thing is learning to protect myself because I felt uncomfortable to do it.

 

Met with a friend from high school. Just re-connected with her since the beginning of spring. I was waiting for her in the centre of the city and felt like usual: that I don’t deserve to be there because I am not good enough and so on. But I was conscious of my emotions and thoughts at a deeper level than I have ever been. I was shocked to realized that I am actually thinking those thoughts and feeling strong negative emotions started by something so dumb. It was unbelievable. I have been denying myself to feel calm and that I deserve to feel worthy just because I am a human being for years and for the first time I realized I don't need to meet any standards.

 

Zazen is going better. Currently I'm in the second week. I'm going there once a week. I am still struggling to do it every day at home. But my back pain was not so strong as last time. My back muscles are so weak I had muscle spasms and I was shaking.

 

[RendHeaven]

4 hours ago, Everyday said:

I had problems falling asleep lately. I listen to music, internet and masturbate until I fall asleep.

This. I got hit by a HUGE wave of this for the last few days. I started off the week really pushing my spiritual practices to the next level, and really expanding my consciousness. Next thing I know, I'm being a lazy piece of shit and the more I fight it the more I indulge.

 It's amazing how progress is followed by regression, ALWAYS.

I'm slowly pulling things together for another burst in an upward trajectory... I hope this is sustainable 

Do you experience similar ups and downs?

[Everyday]

Another krav maga school tonight. Don't know what to expect. 

Didn't read again how to break bad habits. I just excused myself from it. 

I feel tired and drained because of the work i do for my family. I don't like it at all. Our employees have no passion nor work ethic. The more i spend here the more i want to work with passionate people. Working here is very challenging personally though. I have to deal with all kinds of people. My ego gets triggered like a slot machine from the way a customer or employee treats me. Very interesting. For now i try to make thr best out of it. Next week I'll start my internship hopefully and then I'll work less here. It will be a strange balance from work I do for passion and work i do for money alone. I can say that since I'm working at my family's business i have become more relaxed with difficult people, conflict and stress. Is a slight change but i feel it. Being here means i have so much time to read books. So that's good. 

I cringe about what I've written here a year ago. That means I've grown.