165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

Hello 👋 🤗 

 

Finally, a new Page!

 

Last week I arrived at work actually super early even if I was tired. I took my work more seriously and man, it's fucking hard. I called my clients, once emailed them, asked for help, and set up campaigns. It took me longer than I expected.

 

I didn't have any new dates. Just some weird intersections. A girl told me she just wants to suck dick. It wasn't real right? I said hello on Instagram and she said do I know you? I read the description of her first pics - don't message me if you don't know me. There are fake accounts who pretend it's me. I felt so embarrassed for falling for that. But after a few days she asked me on Instagram why I seen her message. So was it real?

Black Friday was nuts! We had 140 orders! Last year we had none. My friend had around 1700. Damn! My profit isn't much but I'm going somewhere. I told to a friend about the crazy amount of orders and he asked for the profit. The profit isn't that much tho. But Im learning a lot.

Last weekend I felt very sad that that guy didn't call me. I put all my hopes into books

 

Edited November 9 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hello 🤗 

Work has been quite difficult at my job since I started actually giving a shit. I have to call my clients, be sure they are doing good, follow up, optimize campaigns and so on. I am so used to do the bear minimum. 

I m not feeling great overall. I'm impatient to make more money and it will take longer than I expected. 

I am told my dad I want to buy a car and he offered to help me. I feel bad that I have focused so much on my business and didn't even give a fuck about getting that skill. 

I made a list with all the things I would rather do than drive, work on my weaknesses and so on. Pathetic. 

 

I finally looked up how much I spent last few months. I spent way more than I expected. That's not good man. I didn't even know. I have been giving in lately to buying food to feel better. I have checked out some TV series on IMDb. Wondering if I should watch some of them. I lost some hope. Man, it's fucking hard to become a better person.

It's hard to work out 3 times a week, eat well, work, and keep the hope alive. 

 

I finished the 5th book form the red rising series. I feel proud, the last book had 1000 pages. But maybe I should read SMTH else, smarter. I ordered the next one from vinted. 

I didn't get any new dates lately. I was lazy to replay to girls, and the ones I did talk to picked up on the fact that Im not really interested. 

I was thinking I should sleep more and take care of myself better. I also want to take the next step and go to a gym. I have already completed over 2 years working out at home. I'm not sure if I'm making progress. I need some real advice. I have feared to go to the gym for years man. It feels so fucking difficult, same as driving.

 

I was thinking to watch tv series but what's the point? I will be as unhappy as my mom. she is back watching tv series daily.

I know that I'm doing well but I can do better. 

Also, I'm starting to have less joy flapping to porn every day for months already. Meh. I have to quit that too.

I stopped using Instagram every day. That's a good thing.

[Everyday]

Hey 💸

Met with friends and I didn't feel very well. I actually said hey, I'm going home. Stopped o. May way home and got some junk food. Once I arrived I wanted to get a gummy to run away from what I'm feeling. What am I feeling? I'm looking for motivation and hope.

Yesterday I didn't have time to work out as i wanted but I did a lot of tasks I have postponed for months and weeks. It didn't take me super long to finish them. 

My friends asked me what happened with that girl. I was to embarrassed to tell them that I actually said please, let's still be together after that big argument we had. She broke up with me anyways, I felt like shit, all just to have a girlfriend experience for some more time. It wasn't worth it. I felt like shit. I was better alone honestly. I knew she is difficult but I just said to myself I have to endure this shit for a little while because I don't have better options 

 

Edited November 17 by Everyday

[Everyday]

hello 

 

Yesterday was fucking hard as fuck. my supervisor saw that I didn't implemented some campaign fast enough and criticized me for that. I got so upset. now I have to come at the office extra two days. shit. 

I felt so down. my business isn't working faster, I made some mistakes about the last order from China and so on. I feel upset that things are going better overall.

I thought again to go to the gym. It would be another big thing for me.

We almost went to see a car but the guy who was selling it wasn't trustworthy. 

 

Things on tinder aren't going anywhere. I have matches with girls I don't find attractive and the girls I do like aren't interested. I spoke with some weird ugly girl and I asked her if she has a boyfriend. She said yes but she's looking for fun now. Wtf? Her eyes are looking in different places. Yet she has a boyfriend and it's looking for more? c'mon! I told her I'm not ok with that instead of ghosting her

She wrote to me again - I don't think I have a boyfriend anymore. He didn't contact me since Sunday. Wtf? I mean what is going on ?

 

I spoke with another girl who scolded me for not telling her I'm going to sleep after I seen her last message. I replayed to her next day. She didn't want to jump to Instagram because she had a bad experience with some dude. Yeah, great👍. We talked for a little and that's it

 

I'm still wondering what I'm doing wrong. All these matches and I can't get a date with a decent girl. That's why I want to focus on myself more. I still don't have a place of my own. I still don't drive and so on. 

Anyways, I feel quite upset overall. Life is shit and I need to work harder. I'm upset on myself for being so resistant to go to a gym. Yet, I'm upset for not being sure if I'm growing or not at home

what am I waiting for?

 

[Everyday]

It was a very hard week. I got my first warning ⚠️ at work for not doing my job. My supervisor checked all my accounts and found out I have unfinished takes for 3 weeks. I felt like shit. 

Went to work at the office all week as well. It was hard but I did my tasks. I have to do overtime to finish this shit on time.

I focused too much on my business and it's too obvious I don't about doing my job well. Giving a fuck for several weeks didn't help me.

 

I didn't get new dates. I don't feel liem replaying all day to these girls. 

I don't remember the name of the girl who didn't want to move the conversation on Instagram right away.

I asked the ugly girl if she has a boyfriend, I didn't know why. I was shocked that she did and he had no problem of her using Instagram to get laid. She literally said that. Than I told her I'm not ok with that and I just wanted to end the conversation. 

She was dating this guy since last summer but never met f2f lol?

She kept texting me every day, multiple times a day since: I love you, that guy didn't replay to me so do you want a relationship with me?, I want to be your you, hello, I'm cold, I'm tired, I miss you etc 

How can you tell I love you when we didn't even meet?!

 

I worked overtime this weekend for my job and I didn't like it. I find it so weird to do it. I'm used to work for my business, anytime but not for my job. It doesn't feel right 

 

I'm still thinking to go to a gym next week. 

 

We just had the best month judging by sales so far. Isn't not even over! Lol!

Edited November 24 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hello 👋 

 

I worked overtime every day to finish my tasks. I still have a few for tomorrow. We are talking about takes from 3 weeks ago. Some of them consistent just about sending some emails. Lol.

I had a meeting with a very organized colleague of mine. I'm building my schedule like he does now. I just started. I am not saving well the info from clients and tasks I have to do. I have to change SMTH. 

I came home after working overtime and worked even afte that for my business. Went to bed at 2 am and I was very tired each day. Damn, it was a hard day. It was an effort to test these girls. I just forgot!

 

My supervisor asked me why the fuck don't I fix the feed of products from a client. He was missing delivery and return options in Google merchant center. I spent my whole month messaging some dude from that company to fix that. But I could have done that myself a month ago. Lol. 🥲. I felt so upset....

[Everyday]

Hello 👋 

Worked more than I was used to at the office until I worked from home and didn't want to work anymore. 

I finished all my pending tasks than I got too relaxed and I have due undone stuff again. Shit. I postponed some shit for way too long man. I have to keep a steady work schedule to finish my shit. 

I finally went to a consulation for my hemoroids this week. It turns out I have date 4. I will get a laser surgery next week. I Can't believe I'm finally going to fix this shit. I just got used to it and all the discomfort and shame that it brings. It feel unreal I will finally do something about it. Incredible! 

 

I worked more at work and for my business. I didn't have enough time to finish everything I wanted to. I want to make more money, faster. I want to quit my job. 

I bought my first car this week. Unreal. I feel afraid to drive it. I cant believe I did it at last. I'm going to drive at least once a week. it feels impossible right now.

 

I didn't work out as much. I was tired. 

I will finish the light bringer book soon

 I got a gummy last Saturday and it fucked me up. I felt panicked that my parents will come into my room and scream at me or SMTH. Life doesn't feel real. 

 

I felt down because of work. I had to push myself to do my job. I didn't want to work. I feel upset that I found it so hard to understand some stuff about my job. I am not the best at what I'm doing. Selling on eMag feels different because I'm better at it. Thats why I want to make it a full time job.

So I decided to focus more on my life overall and take a break from dating. I am not getting the girls I want and I'm loosing time and energy. I can use my little free time to read and work out. I can drive and work on my business.

At the end of the day driving will make a bigger difference in my life than these girls ever will. 

 

I had two dates last week. Nice girls but didn't really like them. Just wanted experience. The last girl was spending her whole free time watching tv series all day. We couldn't even talk about that because she couldn't remember even one she likes besides FROM. I asked her about it since I watched the first season 2 years ago. I also read the resumes from the last season this year. Well, she didn't even remember how the last season ended. She didn't remember anything at all about the 8 hours she watched...... I used to be the same. I still am.

  I felt ashamed that I live with my parents and that I don't drive. She has a car and also an apartment. Both girls had that. She told me that she has no energy to do anything after work. I'm afraid to be like that again. 

 

I thought more of the things I can do to make differences in my life. I'm pissed it took me so long. It still will take me longer to build this amazing life. I will have to give up reading fiction as well. I will need to focus even more on my goals. I'm really changing my life, day my day. 

My supervisor said nothing changed this year for him. Damn, so many things changed for me. I don't want to be like him again. I want to change and grow. This it feels stupid to have a serious relationship now. Man, I find it such a waste of time to hang out often and watch tv series. Maybe I'm bitter for being single. 

 

Anyways , I'm looking forward to actually make more hard stuff for myself like driving. Damn, it's hard. 

 

I stopped eating so many sweets. I feel so much better. Also I got my second hepatitis vaccine. Did I tell you that?

Edited Friday at 02:26 AM by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

I finished the book light bringer. It had the craziest twist I have ever read. It was awesome. I started reading dune. Finally!

Last Friday a client asked me why I spent almost all of his monthly budget so fast. I forgot to check regularly how much he spent. I felt so upset on myself. I told that to my supervisor this Monday....... he got extremely angry and left the office. I expected to get fired on the spot. I thought to leave home, I felt upset and angry and everything in between 

He returned and said ,,so you spent all your clients budget in 15 days?" So I got the SECOND WARNING.

He asked me if there is SMTH more and I said yes, I have a question for another account. So I asked why x client overspent on meta and google ads. He asked me what's the formula they use. I said I don't know and looked it up online. I blocked and I couldnt even understand what I am reading. The answer was simple but I couldn't do it under pressure.

 

He said ok, you don't know basic math so you aren't feet to have your own accounts. Prepare your accounts to be given to your colleagues. I froze. I had all kinds of thoughts in my head.  He must be joking.....

Arrived home feeling worse. I spoke with my siblings and they helped me feel better. It's just a job, I'm doing SMTH besides this and that's why I'm so tired, etc. That it doesn't matter and I'm getting emotional for no reason. I dont owe them anything and I can quit anytime. I live with my parents. I don't even have to pay rent or SMTH else. I thought that I'm afraid I won't have pocket money. Lol. 

i thought more about it and calmed down. If I get fired I will just work on my business. I like that one more and I m better at it. But I do feel embarrassed that I'm not smart enough to do my job well, I don't pay attention and I don't understand my job, math, how to speak with those clients, etc. I have been struggling here for 4 years. All for what? That's not for me. I knew that my drifted along. 

I went to bed feeling angry and frustrated. I don't understand why I didn't quit sooner. Why I keep carrying what my colleagues think and so on. Why am so attached of this job? Why is hard for me to think I can just quit. Why do I think it's so complicated? What is my problem?

what am I doing? I can get an easier job and work on eMag more. This thing that happened to me can become a good thing in the end. I know I didn't have the balls to quit without a reason like this

 

 

 

 

Today I found out I he didn't joke, I gave all my clients to two colleagues. I found out from them. I felt so embarrassed and stupid. I thought that I am the dumbest person alive. I thought that all my colleagues think of me as stupid and that they feel pity. I asked him so until when do I work on these accounts...my accounts. He said until I send all the emails and after that I will just implement what my colleagues give me to (he had a smirk full of disdain).

I said ok. (I thought so I will get the same salary with less and easier work? lol, yeah sure). I realized I should have pretend I care so i texted him. 

I'm don't know what the following weeks will bring. Will I work more or less? Will I get the same salary? From my experience yes but who knows....

 

I told to my friend that I can work for him next year. Fuck this job. He said - finally!

I still can't imagine not being stressed about my job. I can't imagine waking up and having an easier Job and having more time to work on my own business. Maybe I'm afraid to go all In with my side hustle 

 

I also deleted tinder. That's not the time to get dates. I need a serious break from that. 

I feel like I want to prove to everyone that I can succed in more ways than just at this job.

I remember how embarrassed I felt for taking a year off after highschool. How embarrassed I was when I returned home after failing in NL. I loath that feeling. I am afraid that I will feel inferior to my work colleagues if I do anything else but this job. Interesting. I feel embarrassed to tell them that I work for my friend as if my job now it's important or anything. I fear that they will look down on me because I have that job and not ours (even if I ask at my job). 

That's how I felt walking around the city 6 years ago. what if an ex colleague runs into me and I have to tell them that I am trying to study in the Netherlands for a year or if I tell them that I failed there. No body cares and now I actually have a great life here. 

 

So when I'm 80 I will say that I didn't quit my job sooner because my dumb colleagues might make fun of me? That's stupid. I can use that extra free time to improve more areas of my life. My colleagues can't do that. That's a great advantage. Hack, I should quit once I get the next salaries. Maybe I'll quit in February or March? It depends. 

I want more from life than this job. I'm getting frustrated here. I developed these fears that have no real reason at all. 

 

If I didn't make those mistakes I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't have to face these feelings and serios life lessons. Maybe changing my job will be bigger for me than even driving! Let's speak with my friend next month. I have developed an inferiority feeling for making so many mistakes at work. I feel less than I should because some job I have now. At least I am facing this now, when I don't watch tv series, movies, etc. I have to deal with it, I can't run from these feelings at all. 

 

thank you, I needed to write this down ✍️ 

Edited 17 hours ago by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

I couldn't sleep well. I don't like this work situation I have here. If it wasn't for those mistakes I would have struggled here even for longer. I am thinking of the future workload I'll have. Will I be able to work less for the same money or i will have even more stuff to do? I don't know. I will use the way I feel as motivation to work on myself. 

A win would be to go to the gym, eat healthy, no porn, no sweets, no tv series, read, etc, all the things my. colleagues don't do even if they are better this job. 

I'm wondering why am I overreacting like this. I don't have the extra stress of a mortgage or a kid. I'm free to fail and learn and start all over again. Older people started all over again many times. 

 

I feel upset on myself for sticking with this job and not looking around for SMTH else. It had to be an ex colleague of mine to open my eyes. I should get another job, maybe a remote one so I'll have time for eMag. What am I doing here? I'm getting bullied and I feel miserable and for what? I can make other options for myself. Shit, I didn't even look for companies who work remote. 

 

What else?

So much shit is happening now. I have the surgery this Friday. I'm anxious about that and about my future. I'm wondering what girl will want to date if in this stage of life. I feel like a failure in some areas. I'm exaggerating.

[Everyday]

I spoke about this situation with my sister. She asked me why am I so fixed about going to work for my friend. I am not suited for customer support and it doesn't benefit me. I told her I'm afraid to be jobless.

She also said I could do eMag all day. This scares me but why not? I can take such a risk now since I can keep living with my parents. Why not? Why do I keep thinking that I have to stay here? I have nothing to loose but man, I'm scared. 

I can also get a job at eMag. 

 

I woke up and started working and noticed this fear when I saw a bunch of emails I had to answer to. What is the root cause? Getting fired? why? Because I'm afraid I wont do well at another agency. I'm afraid I am one mistake away to not have a salary. But I don't really have what to worry about. It's all in my head. I can't rely on my father to give me money.

 

What would I do if I didn't fear failure? I would apply for some jobs related to my business and I would also just take care of my business, no job for a few months 

Edited 4 hours ago by Everyday