165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

Hello 🤗 

I fought that I already told you how last week went by 

So I met with that girl and we banged. Man, it was the best sex I ever had in my life. She sucks and fucks like a pro. It was next level. Fucked her for a few hours. It was amazing!

I had a meeting at work after meeting her and I fell asleep even if I was sitting next to my boss haha.

I was very nervous about having a discussion about the raise with my boss. My siblings helped me rehearse the talk I had. I felt very disappointed of myself for being so afraid and having such low confidence in my skills. They encouraged me to ask a salary of 1306 euros and I felt so afraid to do that. I felt like I don't deserve it. I asked for 1206 instead. If I didn't talked with them I would have said that 1002 euros was enough. But it's not right. I should get more! I want more! 

 

Ok Friday I talked with him. I lost myself a little when he said I'll give you 1002 euros but I pushed a little more and I might get 1206 euros in 2 months. Cool. Let's see what happens. 

 

Met with her again on Saturday. I fucked her even more. It was wild! Met with family next day. The didn't approve banging her so early (on the 4th date). But I don't get it. I didn't criticize my sister for waiting after marriage to get laid. Everyone is getting laid early now.

 

I worked on our business more and read more. It was a good week. I also worked out. 

I spoke with her about us and I was surprised she understands I want to work instead of meeting daily to waste time. Let's see if we'll have a relationship. While banging her I said her SMTH like ,, girlfriend ". She liked that. She asked me if I want to be exclusive with her and I said yes. I think I rushed. It was our 6th date man

[Everyday]

HeyoOoOoO🚀

Went on a date with her on a bar I went with other girls as well. Some girl was staring at her. I thought it might me a girl I went out or a friend of her's. But I have no idea who that was. Weird. 

Met with her a few more times and I was so tired afterwards that I fell asleep at work. ai hot the next level, falling asleep while I'm typing ;)))))))))

The sex it's amazing. It's getting crazier. She's also very chill and what I need now. I wish she would loose some weight and be slimmer. But besides this she's really awesome. I haven't went out yet with a girl so cool. 

Yet, I see that I am not attracting physically the girls I want to bang. I'm not good enough yet. I need to be better in so many ways.

We talked again and we are together officially now. I still believe I should have waited more. I didn't talked about her with my friends or family. 

 

So I will get 12006 euros in two months. It's set. My boss confirmed it. I thought I will have to ask again in 2 months. I found out what raises some of my colleagues got. Some got nothing. 

I started to develop grown marks under my eyes. I don't like this. I have been pushing myself too far. Nice. 

Worked more on my business. Read more. Worked out. I still don't feel I did enough. I'm worried to give up being comfortable like I did before. That would suck.

 

So I'm reading the angel by dazieri. One of my favorite books my ex recommended. It felt really weird reading it at first. But I like it now. I forget she read it and it makes me feel like it is SMTH I'm doing for myself. Indeed, I could have talked about this book years ago. I couldn't back than. Weird to finally read again. I really like it. I didn't watch any the series either. I didn't read resumes. It feels so tiring. 

What else? 

Edited August 4 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

I finished 4 books this month: two books from dazieri, the dip by Seth and fight club 2. Reading the dip made me wish I quit work sooner. I'm not the best there and I don't think I can. 

I signed the papers for that raise. 

I asked for new clients. I'm getting bored at work. I took care of the clients from a colleague of mine. It was the first time doing it. It was fine. 

My supervisor told me to bring back my old laptop. I have been using that one for work and my business for months. I asked why but my supervisor said because I said so. Than an older colleague intervined and said I did some course and now I replay back or SMTH like that. I told him right of the bat that isnt his business? Why do you comment? He got upset and I got angrier. My supervisor told me to apologize. I had worse things to say to him. He has been making fun of me since I got hired and I did my first mistakes. I felt proud of myself. He didn't say anything to me the next day.

 

We made more money than ever with this business this month, even more than last month. Awesome! 

 

Met with E a few more times, sometimes 3 times a week. I told her I didn't even tell her name to my siblings until recently. She started an argument about the way she sees this. That I don't want to be with her, that I'm ashamed with her, that I want something casual, etc. I kept lying that this isn't the case blah blah, I want a long term thing blah blah. I did tell my family and friends more about her but not too much. We had this discussion again yesterday. She went on about loosing feelings and detaching herself from me blah blah blah. Apparently 

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

I'm going to Rome with my sister and her husband in November. Asked the girl of she wants to join in and she said she's feeling confused, doesn't know if she wants to be with me, etc. Spoked on the phone and she complained more and more about same things we talked about yesterday. She didn't want to get upset just to meet my siblings sooner or her family. But I really thought we are doing great. 

Asked if I'm available tonight to speak about this. I wanted to work but whatever. I also need to get this side of my life better. So I meet with her and she speaks about some shit before asking me - are you waiting for me to discuss first?

She said she wants to be a priority in my life blah blah, that my business shouldn't be my priority etc. I panicked. I lied that she's a priority on the same level as my business. Blah blah she doesn't want to feel second after this business. 

I explained her why this business is important to me but all she saw was that im so excited speaking about it. She said I'm missing a relationship and my business my fail. Ok, so I should be alright with my job? It's that all? Pathetic. 

That I should have waited to make my business a full time thing before attempting to be with someone etc. Put some more bullshit here and there. She kept crying and I sat there, holding her and caressing her hair. 

She brought me my gift as a goodbye gift. I should have received it before my birthday. I said I don't want to take it as a goodbye gift. Blah blah we talked more and asked her to give us another chance. That we can meet with my siblings to meet them this week blah blah blah. She said ok, had a panic attack and we spoke some more.

I didn't make the right choice. I have done this before just to regret it. I promise the moon and act the same afterwards. I regretted getting back with my exes. It was dumb. 

I asked her if she feels like she wants to spend more time together or not. She said she would need a massage. Gave her one while she told me she is still upset at me and doesn't want to have sex until she's deciding about us. Moreover, she doesn't want to have kiss, hold hands, touch her affectionately, even kiss her forehead. I felt so stupid. Here I am agreeing to all this shit so I can smash again in the future. I have no idea how long until I tell her I need to work instead of seeing her. 

I feel less than a man. I'm agreeing to all this shit because I'm afraid I won't have sex for another year (almost). I have to emberace myself to get this relationship and sex expirence. It's always been like this. I'm turning 26 next month. I didn't have much luck on tinder. I have to play the game like this to get laid. I'm not an exemple for anyone here ;))))))

Maybe she's right. I should focus on my business. But seeing her 2-3 times a week is manageable for now. I can get better at this business and also have sex. I still think she'll change her mind soon and this is alright. Let's see what happens. 

Anyway, she's right that I should tell my siblings whom I'm dating ,, seriously ". Even if I am afraid of their judgement. I will ask for their help. I'm not excited about this situation. I feel embarrassed. 

I feel like I'm again younger and pleading my ex to get me back over the video call. I spent a whole month being so miserable and being super nice to her, hoping she'll forgive me. I was just waiting for her to change her mind. I sent to her sooo many cringe messages. Kept sending her sweet messages a few times a day thinking that it helps. Idk. I felt like crap afterwards. I should have left.

At least I didn't cry when we had this discussion. I wanted to break up. It would have helped if I just accepted and didn't bullshit my way into another change.

So basically she wants to speak like friends for the next x amount of time. I feel taken advantage of. Again, it's either her way or the highway.  Let's see how long it will take for her to change her mind. I'll be in Greece in 2 weeks. Let's see what happens afterwards.

I'll avoid to speak about my business with her. Let's see how long I can keep this shit going or not. 

 

I don't like being in this situation. I made a mistake and I have to bend backwards to make things right. Do you remember the situation with Daria? It was back in 2022. I didn't want her to meet my friends because I wasn't sure about her. She had a outburst about the magic mushrooms and I told her I quit for good. Next thing I know she tells me I hope I'm not making a mistake getting back together. You are an addict. I felt so fucking stupid. I felt that I'm investing too much again. That's how I feel now. I'm good boy for her to forgive me. Blah blah. 

 

Edited August 25 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

I felt so embarrassed to ask my siblings help to meet this girl. Interesting that they found it weird she wants to know them so early or that she even invited me to know her parents. 

Since Sunday I didn't tell her about my business and whatever problems we have. I would like to take about it tho because I'm excited. 

We went to see a movie. We talked here and there during the day. Same as yesterday. She only let me hold her hand during the movie. Afterwards she got colder. She invited me to watch another movie at her place but I declined. It was already late. I took her close to her and left. 

I was thinking if I'm stupid for playing along. I explained to my siblings I just want to bang her and date her as long as I can. But that's it. Yeah, after her last outburst I really don't see myself with her like I did recently. She seemed so chill but it turns out the opposite 

 

Spoke with mode girls on tinder. Two of the girls even asked me about my Instagram. Interesting. Another one told me she's going to town and invited me to join her. I saw the message once I got home.

 

Yesterday we had 39 orders. Today 44. My mom and my brother helped me with them 

 

I feel very defensive with that colleague to whom I said to not intervene last week. Arrived at work and he asked me why did I overspend the budget of some account when she colleague who was in vacation. He made a remark about it. It was to early and I didn't say anything to him. I just arrived at work.

He asked me how am and I looked at him like wtf? Suddenly he hot mad and said he just asked to make conversation. I felt intimatdated. 

 

I spent all day at work taking care of my business instead of actually working.

 

Tomorrow my siblings will meet this crazy girl. I don't know what to say about it. I'm not proud to bring her in front of them. All this talk about being her priority, not meeting my family sooner etc makes me loose interest. Sex with her is so good but is it worth the struggle? I feel like overspending in this relationship with all her crises and shit. Yet, I'm not looking forward to be single again for 8-9 months 

[Everyday]

Hello 🦋

Today I had a talk with that guy from work. I overthought again and again how I'll confront him. I told him that I reacted like that yesterday when he asked how am I, because I think he hates me. He said oh, no we are just colleagues. We just joke. Why do you get upset on me when your supervisor scolds you worse than I do. Well it's different. zi didn't expect to have that conversation. I wanted to insult him so badly. I could swear we are enemies. I still don't believe he's that nice. He's a snake.

While working I was sexting with her until she told.me to stop because she couldn't focus on work anymore 

After work, I waited for my sister and she was late as usually. Nothing unusual. I told her I'll arrive later because I'm waiting for her. She got really upset that I didn't meet with her on time lol. I couldn't believe it. Really? I wasn't even that late lol. wtf ;))))

 

After my sister and my brother left, she asked me if they liked her. I said yeah sure ;)))) isn't like my sister said she seems crazier than my brother's girlfriend. Actually, even if she's annoying she gets over her many times getting upset very fast 

She told me she's still horny as fuck and wants me to come to her place. She said that's an exception today. But she was upset for being late for a few minutes. While going there she got so tired and said she doesn't want to do it anymore. 

 

We arrived there and I start kissing her again and again even if she refused me a few times. She got horny enough. I tried this roleplay, being more aggressive and calling her a slut. But apparently we have different ideas of how it should be done. She complained that I didn't focus on her enough and I thought that's the point. She also got upset that I was too aggressive and she was turned off from the beginning, but was waiting to see what will happen.

I really felt rejected. I know it's just about miscommunication but still. She pointed out several things she didn't like. 

We talked some more afterwards. I asked how much time she needs to feel like in the beginning. I thought I didn't hear right when she said 3 months. When we'll have sex only when she feels like, we'll kiss only when she feels like it and even holding hands. Jesus.... Jesus Christ, Jesus fucking Christ. I hated my ex when it took her a month to forgive me. But this girl said 3 months. Jesus Kirst! I don't know how to take this. 

She said she really got detached from me for simply not telling my siblings about her. Now, in just weeks she's another person. Now, being nice and normal to her while she's cold it feels like too much for me. Lol.

I don't know what to do. I doubt we'll be like before. This whole things feels retarded 🧐 

Man, it felt so hard to just do the simple things and respect her wishes when she says no for exemple. 

 

I'm thinking what I always think - what if I don't find another one fast? I'm 26 next week. It getting harder to get a girl man. I can't believe I am this age. 

 

That's how my life goes by. I look at 30 years old and think of they had all this time to do this and that but for some reason they didn't.. Here I am, 26 still struggling in relationships. I'm turning 30 soon. Ouch. Dating is going to get worse. 

Edited August 28 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hello 🐎

I tried a new method with her - being overlay sweet. Sent a bunch of sweet messages and it worked. Actually she asked me to come over last night, and she was more affectionate than I saw her lately. Nice. 

I went to work out. I could have pushed harder. My sister's husband had other plans so I stopped too early. 

So I woke up and fucked her. It went very good. I was very horny. Bonus, her mensuration came (she was panicking that she might be pregnant). The condom slipped away when we fucked last week. She said she doesn't know what she'll do if she's really pregnant. Fuck, I don't want a child with her lol. 

 

I had more arrangements with my dad. He's pathetic. 

I have to do more work for my business. Met with her too much. 

I got a new client at work.

I will take make off days to work on my business. I have to go harder.

Edited August 31 by Everyday

[Everyday]

hello 👋 

 

just returned from Greece a few hours today. I finally felt relaxing in the second week there, with my friends. It was awesome! 

I got one CB9 edible gummy and I got the strongest trip of my life. I dissociated and I felt like i couldn't actually go home and keep working on my business, my job and doing my routine. I felt and I feel scared I'll give up 

I watched a tv series with a friend. Just three episodes. I shouldn't have. I feel so guilty and so afraid I'll watch them all now. 

I felt very frustrated not knowing with I'll keep being in a relationship with her after I get back. I felt extremely stressed to text her regularly so maybe she'll feel like like she wants a relationship with me. It bothered me so much that she would seen my messages, being cold, not initaing conversions and so on. I felt so upset not knowing if I'm wasting my time or not. 

I was high for a week since I smoked daily with my friends. Even if I smoked last time on Friday night I still feel high today. It's so weird. It's like a dream. I feel like a cloud. Like everything doesn't really happen to me, it's someone else's life 

I invited her for a movie with my siblings and she said we'll talk when you'll get back. I just knew but refused to ask about what? I kept messaging her and being sweet with her.  Just arrived today and called her. She decided last week that she wants to break up with me because she lost her feelings. Why? Because I didn't tell my family about her sooner. Just that ... and also about my side hustle being too important for me. 

So the last month in this relationship has been the worst month this year. I just couldn't function properly not knowing if this girl wants or not to date me. I felt so frustrated having to put so much work all for nothing, just to get laid a little more. 

I didn't have the balls to break things up now. Thanks God she did. I still feel frustrated but also free. Of course I didn't want to date her long term. I feel embarrassed my family knows about her. Even my friends..... All this work dating her just to get some hard lessons and sex.

I feel exhausted after this month of dating her. So much fucking stress. I felt more stress than pleasure dating her during this month. It wasn't good for me long term. I know. 

 

Oh, also, I was in the car with 3 there friends when we had an accident this week. I felt a shock, it happened so fast. No body got hurt except two old ladies form the mini bus my friend hit. 

 

So anyways, I feel scared to start work tomorrow. I still feel high and everything feels so weird. So many things happened this week. Above all, I feel so relieved she broke up with me. This girl exhausted me with her drama and shit. We spoke to have the official break up face to face sometime this week. I can finally move on. Finally peace! No more drama in my life. I can breath again! I can move on. Amazing! 

Edited September 15 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Man, the last 30 days were crazy!

So at some point I thought this girl might be pregnant, I had the strongest trip ever, She broke up with me, I was two weeks in Greece, finally relaxed and I'm still high since Friday.

I finished almost 4 books in the last 2 weeks!

I'm scared to be honest. I m afraid I won't be able to get back to work and to keep going. 

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey 🫵

I talked a little bit with my family that E broke up with me. They made some fun and asked them to stop. My brother said the problem was that I didn't call her everyday while I was away. I really made en effort to do so but when I did it felt like wasting time.... It didn't feel right, but I did text her daily. Anyway, they don't know how she rellay is. 

Well, I shouldn't have been so distant with my family and not tell them more about the girls I'm dating seriously.

All in all, I feel better that I learned a lot from this relationship. Let's be honest, I didn't plan to stay with her for a long time. She had too much drama and wasn't really my body type. But I used her and learned so much. Yeah, I wasted her time but I really learned some lessons. 

 

But I also feel like I'm doing SMTH wrong, hence, why I want to watch tv series really bad and to run from what I'm feeling now.

I was reading a book written by Lovecraft and I wondered if this is really what should I do now. Is it? Yeah, is fun but am I growing?

So I told you how proud I am for reading all those books and becoming so comited to read more and use all my time to grow as a person. But to be honest, I have to be honest with myself. Like after every break up, I have to change SMTH. 

Therefore, I have to admit that I'm reading for fun, mostly fiction. I'm not really changing myself even if I read a bunch of books this year. I'm not really doing the hardest things, I'm not really growing as much as I could. 

For exemple, I feel very upset and frustrated that I'm still not driving, even if I have my licence for 4 years. So even if reading fiction is fun I'm using it to run from my real problems.

 

So what can I do to really improve my life, what action would have the biggest return for my time? Definitely driving! Also, reading non fiction. Working on my traumas, learning about dating, etc. 

 

 

 

 

I finished almost 4 books in the last 2 weeks but am I better? No cap! For real! No....., I am not. Doing driving rules exercises and saving for a new car would make a bigger Impact on my life than some stupid fictional book.

I think I'm using books for fun, just like I did with tv series. I spent dozens of hours reading and working on my business but not even half an hour to drive this year. 

 

Another hard thing? Reading a single book on dating. I would rather read 6 fiction books than 1 book about dating. I'm not focusing to solve the problems that fuck my life really hard.

 

Don't get me wrong, reading fun books is awesome but I also need to improve my life. 

 

 

I did my first driving knowledge test in years. I logged In my old account. The last tests I did 4 years ago! Fucking 4! I kept postponing getting this shit solved for years. So solving this would impact my life in many, many ways. I'm afraid as fuck, of course.

Maybe I should stop dating for a while and get my shit together. I deleted my Instagram. I need a break. 

Isn't it funny that I spent hours listening to E problems and drama but not even 10 minutes doing driving tests online? Ridiculous!

Edited September 16 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

Yesterday Teo posted a pic and I reacted to it. She seen my message. I was thinking she might replay and I'll invite her out again, after rejecting me last year. Haha, I actually got triggered getting seen lol 

I messaged E a few times to schedule the time we'll meet and I was feeling anxious and worried she'll get upset because I kept rescheduling. I didn't know when the container frim china will arrive here for real.

That's how I feel with my father. Afraid to make mistakes and I hate this feeling 

So I kept talking with girls on tinder. I got some messages seen as usually. 

 

anyways, I came to the conclusion I want to be in a relationship to run away from my own goals and battles. that's how afraid I'm of driving. I want to fill my time with someone's else's problems so I don't have time for mine. Funny 😂 

So being single means I have time to really grow and focus on more goals. Being with a girl would make me better at sex and having a relationship. I feel at peace with this explanation. Maybe it's stupid but it makes me feel better. 

 

Going to see her tonight and I'll ask for feedback to be better in the future relationship. Who knows when I'll have them? Until than just work on yourself. Above all I want to become a better person for myself.

[Everyday]

Hey

 

I actually met her this night. She was busy that night. I spoke with her a little since than, send her some memes. 

I felt anxious to meet with her. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks. We spoke a little about our life and than about the break up.

Long story short, she knew I don't want a serious thing with her so soon since I didn't tell my family about her sooner and I also didn't want to meet hers. I get her point now. Also because I spoke so relaxed about doing so.

This was the truth actually, I wanted to be with her for some time but not to merry her. As she started to loose feelings her behavior changed, maybe the real her. I didn't like it at all. She's way to difficult. 

While we spoke I looked at her and felt that distance I am putting between us. She complained about this as well. She wants a person to open his hear to her sooner.

She didn't like that I spoke with so much passion about my business. But what if I really loved my job? This would be a problem? Seems so. She wanted to be the most important thing in my life.

  👀This was a shock for me. Since my first girlfriend, I have becoming an ambitious man, I have changed myself so much. I didn't even think that having a business would ever be a problem when I'll date. My ex complained that I don't have a more important thing in my life besides her. I never imagined this would be problem for another girl.

 

Something weird is that she also complained about my relationship with my father. I told her isn't great but nothing that bad. She said I don't want to get in a family where the man has this problem. That my father might act weird with her family. Wtf, her dad left her! Her mom is remeried! So this is supposed to be ok but my little arguments with my father are a deal breaker? Wtf. 

So it was all about communication, I should have asked how important is meeting her parents for her. I never thought to ask. Maybe we'd break up anyways. She was really difficult. 

 

I don't like that I don't have confidence like these girls. I keep finding these types of girls who resemble my difficult father. I envy them for having the strength to just say no to me based on their needs and wants. I am literally dropping these things just so I can get loved for a little bit. I really think I don't deserve a good relationship. I keep trying to have relationships with difficult girls and I end up disappointed each time. 

She said I should get my life figured out, for example with my business and than date. But I don't see the point. Why not date now, why do I have to have everything perfect? I am getting older and I need more experience. Why wait another 4 years? What is the point.

I also don't like how I chose to keep dating her when things went south instead of running away. Basically I chose to date her out of desperation of having a relationship, even if I didn't want a long term one with her. 

Why? I just don't think I can find a good girl. I jump on whatever I get. I am afraid to say no because I don't know when the next opportunity will be. I'm pathetic and desperate. And I'm afraid I would have been alone if I didn't date these girls at all. I'm afraid I won't find a girl to actually really like. I only met one, Teo1 and she rejected me. 

Also, I didn't try harder to fix this. I didn't read again dating books. I am just trying blindly to solve this problem. Even now, I feel extrem resistance to dead a dating book. 

 

 

[Everyday]

🪴hey🪴

A few days ago I saw that my ex and teo1 have unfollowed me on Instagram. I didn't expect that. Teo did that because I reacted to one of her stories two weeks ago. 

Today it's exactly a week since I spoke with her. I feel better. I didn't really realize how I actually feel about the whole situation with her while I was trying to keep her around.

I got back on tinder and had a date yesterday. I spoke with her for around 2 weeks. She was very anxious - I was her first date from tinder. Her ex cheated on her after 5 years together. That was last year. 

 

She didn't actually seem ready to date. She has very cold and apologized. She was still confused why she acted like that. She told me how she doesn't really like her corporate job or any other she had so far - she's 28. She seems to have given up on life. 

Interesting how I kept talking to her and she was surprised how much I'm doing each day. Meanwhile, I'm thinking I'm not doing enough. It doesn't feel so difficult to workout at least once a week. It was so hard to start 2 years ago.

I really thought I'll be dating this girl for a while. She seemed another person online. But she didn't even let me kiss her. ai didn't like her vibe overall.

 

She makes me afraid I'll look back at my life at 28 and feel upset for not being better. That I will just give up and say that I watched tv series for years, I didn't actually improve myself

I found it interesting how I kept talking to her instead of just listening. Hmm. I told her I tried shrooms two years ago and how it changed my life. I think it was a huge turn off for her. She acted even weirder.

 

I kept feeling urges to watch tv series lately. J had different triggers. I am looking to dissociate myself from my life now. I feel frustrated with my dating life, I'm worried I'm not doing enough, I wonder if I am actually getting better, I worry about my job, etc.

a friend came over to pick SMTH he forgot in Greece. he told me that he is almost out of CBD9 gummies. She took even 3 a day, went high at work, took again and so on. He asked me if I can get him some more right now. Not ok bro.

I immediately wondered what have I been doing in the last 2 weeks. I was very productive overall. I didn't take anything to not be out way too much. 

I am waisting time on Instagram a lot. 

I'm wondering if I should watch a few tv series. I'm afraid to get back where I was 2 years ago. I'm very proud of the person I am now. I'm looking forward to improve myself. 

I should quit dating for a while and focus on my business.

I don't know what to do. I want to do well in different areas. I am indeed spending a lot of time working but I feel that it isn't enough. maybe I should minimize anything else for a few weeks. To feel like I'm getting back on track. This would make me feel better 

 

This week the container from china arrived. I was anxious about where can deposit all that shit. It wasn't that much: 555kg 

I felt envy and motivation to sell more like my friend. The other tones of products where his. I want to get to his numbers

 

today I wasted 3-4 hours trying to solve some problem with our business at the bank. i didn't work much for our business. I aslo felt I should have not went on a date today. J should have worked out.

 

Edited September 28 by Everyday

[Everyday]

👋 hey

I don't feel great. I called my brother's girlfriend dumb and haven't apologized since. Why I did that? I just felt upset on her, on myself, on the situation, on my ex and other unrelated stuff. 

My family kept telling me to apologize but what's the point? I am not really sorry. Why would I lie? I dont like her. 

Went to my sister's husband's birthday party and couldn't wait to go home. I didn't speak with anyone there except my sister and her boyfriend. Arrived late as well. I just spent time on my phone. I didn't feel comfortable at all. I told my sister I will not come to these parties again. I always feel like that but this time I didn't get drunk. I didn't like the vibe and the people there.  

Maybe because I felt like there is SMTH  wrong with me for being awkward in these situations. I also felt out of place since everyone there almost had a partner. Most of the people there are church friends of his. Weird people. I don't feel good around them. 

I also felt like I have to be there because he's nice with me and enjoys those parties. My sister asked me to join as well. I don't like drinking with him. He's too cringe and obsessed about having a good time by drinking. He keeps saying drink, drink, drink! I hate that.

I really don't want to drink with him or hang out. My sister keeps saying I should tho. He's nice with her and us. 

Man, why do I have to pretend so much just to have friends or a relationship? Why do I have to make sacrifices, lie. 

 

I also hate they I'm always upset or sad in public. I just feel not enough and upset and I act distant. I'm not fun to be around. I feel anxious.

 

 

I gave one of those CB9 edibles to a friend from work. He took one at work. I was surprised to see him act normal and he kept working. He's done a lot of drugs in his life. He got into debt buying drugs and still pays money back for that. He had a crisis when his ex left him, 2 years ago.

So I took one of those edibles, but the one with H4CBD last night. I got high very fast. I was paranoic about being high next day and my parents figuring that out. I was grateful of how soft my bad is. How safe I feel in my room and how beautiful life is. But I lost touch with that. I feel stuck by myself. 

I'm not content with the person I am and I am looking for purpose again. I am getting better overall, I'm better but it still feels not enough. But I have been doing this hardcore for just almost 2 years. I have to keep going.

 

I don't feel great now. I am really tempted to watch tv series. Why? I'm looking for motivation. I'm loosing hope. I'm getting better but I still can't get a girlfriend, I'm still trying to make this business work and I'm still living with my parents. I'm still not driving. 

I'm wondering if I should change my objectives. I should get a car, drive, work on my insecurities and so on. I shouldn't read for fun. I should do Duolingo. But I don't know man. It 🙈 seems that I'm not doing anything right. 

in theory I should just work on my business but this won't help me with other areas. But I can't have fun all the time either. I don't know what to do. I'm super productive but I can work harder. I still waste time on social media.

 

Man, to be honest I'm really upset being single, even if I don't have to put up with my ex's difficult personality. I feel that I can't have a relationship with a girl I truly like so I get whatever I can. But even if I'm dating a meh girl isn't enough for her. I keep making mistakes. I'm 26 and feeling old. I should've spent my life like I lived these 2 years. Hardcore. 

Even now, I want to do what my mom did yesterday. Whatch some TV series and forget about everything for a while. But I can't. 

I am acting like a victim right now

Edited October 6 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

I finally worked out on Tuesday like I used to do months ago, before starting to date my ex. 

 

I went out drinking with my colleagues at work. I talked more with my supervisor. I need to take my job more seriously. I found out a lot of shit about our agency and other colleagues. Turns out he knew the people who will leave (2 colleagues quit this month)

They both told me they will quit but i

I came home at 4. I didn't speak shit even if I was drunk. Fell asleep in the bus and woke up at the last stop. 

 

I spoke with some girls on tinder. One of them is really nice. I worry I will fuck things up with her. I hope she doesn't get my jokes in the wrong way.

 

I didn't apologize to my brother that I told to his girlfriend that she's dumb. It's been over a week. We were supposed to go all in Greece over the weekend. My brother said he won't take me in his car unless I apologize. I refused to do it so now I won't go in vacation with them 

 

Edited October 10 by Everyday

[Everyday]

hey 🤯

I was supposed to go to Greece this weekend with my sister, my brother and her husband. My brother told me to apologize or else he won't take me to Greece in his car. I got triggered. I felt manipulated and said I'm not going to if I am force to. So I didn't go. My sister and her husband tried several times to make me apologize but I refused over and over again. 

 

So I spent my last 2 days reading, working out, speak with some girls from tinder and working on my business. 

I'm concerned that I'm not working hard enough. I get bored or districted after some time. I got a habit to check my phone or switch tasks and so on. Isn't working. I want to just focus on one takes instead of taking a lot of breaks. 

 

I decided to read less and spend the next few days just working. More exactly I need to edit pics for the product listings I have to do. I feel very resistant to finish them but I know I can do it. I trust myself with this one. I can relax in a few days. I didn't take drugs either. I want to be sharp.

 

I set up a date with a girl I'm actually excited to meet. I'm already worried she won't like me. So from what I've seen on Instagram I want to be part of her life. She's very interesting. I didn't feel the same about E. I feel anxious to mess things up with this girl. She is actually beautiful and smart. I don't feel ashamed to talk about her. 

I'm also speaking with 3 other girls. One of them is very pushy, annoying and broke down about her life while we were talking. I don't want to deal with that. These 3 girls aren't even pretty. I already worry what people will say if they see me date them. Hack, I didn't even like them. 

 

I don't regret not going to Greece. I really enjoyed my time here. I'm still excited I can work next few days. I will make huge progress. 

 

[Everyday]

hey 🦀

The date went well and I was very nervous beforehand. I really enjoyed spending time with her. She was late 30 minutes and kept apologizing. Told her each time to chill. The venue was so beautiful and I read the messages I got from telegram. She even fell on the street because she was in a rush haha

She left to the bathroom and I set there enjoying the venue, the river and the sun. It was such a beautiful day. I was so much in the present. I couldn't believe I'm there, with a beautiful girl, talking and having fun.

I didn't feel repulsed by her like I usually do when I date a girl from tinder. She is beautiful. Smart too. 

She didn't let me hold her hand afterwards so I didn't try again. I am not sure if she wants to meet again or not. I had a great time. We walked afterwards. I felt excited thinking we might end up dating. I like her energy. I felt inspired by how much she traveled. 

I should stop to overthink so much before having these dates. 

 

What else?

Worked out so hard I got dizzy while hanging. It felt like a drug. Amazing. I loved it. I fell and I didn't know what's going on. The music was blasting. Such a good workout. 

I edited more pics and now I'm in bad. 

 

It was such a beautiful day. Thank you

[Everyday]

Hey 🐺

I waited all day to get a message form the girl I went on a date on Sunday. I kept wondering what I've done wrong. I really like her. But I have to say that I expected that because I'm not travelling as often as her. 

As I said, I got off work until Wednesday so I worked a lot on my business. I am trying to work hard but I keep getting distracted or bored or frustrated. Man, it's hard! I actually seek distractions. 

I like having my own schedule. I didn't dread having to work for myself on Monday. I just did the work. 

I spent a few hours a day on Instagram I the last few days. I don't like this. 

I didn't read much. i wanted to focus on work but I did waste time on Instagram. Lol. 

I spent around 2 hours looking at movie trailers and reading movie reviews. I didn't watch anything but I wanted to. Why? Because it's hard. Dating is hard, this business is hard but I know better than that. 

 

My mom was watching Netflix from the other room. She asked for my help to search in her Netflix history and I told her I forgot where it is. Crazy! It's been almost 2 years since I touched that platform alone. I keep thinking to go back at tv series from time to time. But why? To feel some motivation again. I want to feel miserable and than change my life again.

To be honest I feel frustrated that I'm not pulling better girls. But man, I need to be even better to pull them. It feels impossible to be honest. Maybe I'm not looking where I should. Maybe not having a place and a car are deal breakers.

While I was at the date with her I was thinking I should get some life experience as well. Take some courses, work out more, travel, do SMTH fun, walk again, chill, etc.

Maybe I am working too much for nothing. But I do have time for a walk on a Sunday.     But I have to work for real, without distractions for longer periods of time. I have no idea how much I worked today. It felt a lot, from noon to 2 am but with breaks. 

 

I'm wondering if this effort will pay off. But I know it does. Especially if I put some more effort at work to get more money.

 

🚨I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling to be honest. I'm proud of how I lived my last year and this year. I'm extremely proud but I still feel isn't hard core enough. I'm not feeling good enough, after all this work but I feel better. But I also feel I'm missing on some stuff. 

🤯 I'm on the path and I'm getting better overall. Maybe I need more hope and to think of my achievements. Each time I speak with a girl they don't work on SMTH after work. Most of them are watching tv series or wasting time somehow. Apparently I'm hardcore but I see it as normal. Especially that now I'm questioning my work ethic.

 

 

 

 

I cant believe its October! I feel better in every way since the beginning of the year. 

Edited October 14 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey 🐍

So I waited all day to double text her about what's she's doing, if she didn't replay because she was busy with work and university. She actually replied very corporate style that she doesn't want to keep the interaction going because we aren't on the same page. Good luck. I said ok, thank you for letting me know, good luck and was a pleasure to meet you. 

I also saw that she unfollowed me and took her my acces to her Instagram account. I felt very cringe for double texting her when I didn't get the hint after 24 hours. I felt cringe for putting her in this position and looking so desperate for texting again. 

I thought about it and calmed down. It's ok, i learned form this interaction. I shouldn't have pushed the second time but I didn't try anymore to change her mind. 

Oh, I actually used this interaction on a girl who also kept texting me and didn't get the hint after not replaying to her since Sunday. Lol. I copy and paste the previous message and sent it to her. She said haha very corporate and ouch. She also unfollowed me lol.

 

I thought some more and decided to unfollow teo1 as well. I embarrassed enough in front of her. I even reacted to her story a few weeks ago. I definitely looked desperate and cringe. I also unfollowed my ex. She unfollowed me after we met lol. I am proud of myself.

 

Interesting thing, I told these things to my friend and he said lol, block them and the girl who rejected you is crazy. He also told me I should have stopped the conversation when the second girl kept on telling me about how much she hates her life. Man, I felt so uncomfortable. But I struggle to reject these girls and say what I really mean sometimes. 

 

I worked out today and I had an idea. Why not lock in for a few months, why not go to the gym for a while? I mean I really want to. It's a goal, why not spend some time working on it, like I did with my business, my ex and for university.

I worked out less in july and august when I dated Em. Why not spend the next two months actually setting up time in my schedule to work out more, read work out material, etc. I mean, really, why not? I had time for a month to plead my ex to stay together but I don't have time to do SMTH for me? What?

 

My mom is watching tv series again because she feels bad. She's frustrated with her life and is excaping into tv series. She's upset that we don't let her alone. She doesn't want to be helped. I would have be upset as well if they reacted like that 3 years ago.

Edited October 16 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hello

I asked for 3 new clients and i got them. I also got another one last week. Now i have 25 accounts (including the clients with FB and Google Ads). Some client might leave so i asked for the new ones to be alright. These clients are from a colleague who quit. I know them. 

I had a call with this colleague and i told him about my business. He said damn, i didnt know that! He told me more about the 5 clients who took besides his job and how much he makes. He is going to work for an agency which is better organised than ours. His salary is also bigger and he will be working remote and is going to learn even more. He has more courage than me even if he basically had almost a year and a half of facebook and google ads. I am still scared to do it on my own after almost 4 years. 

The accounts i got from him arent very well set up. But he spoke with these clients very often. 

I offered him to help with his future marketplace business because he told me about wanting to start smth next year. He even offered me a job to work with him and make the same money but working waaaay less. I am tempted. He also advised me to get a remote job and have time for this business as well. He is right, what am i waiting for? Another 6 months to get another $250 raise? Yeah,, i really got comfortable here =))))))))))))))))))))

Indeed, what am i doing? im complaining that i dont earn enough but i am not really doing smth about it. i got comfortable. to be honest i cant even picture myself going to another job or working remote. before i talked with this guy i didnt even think about this possibility. Man, i have a lot to think about 

 

i had a date with a meh girl last week. i didnt like her and she was even less attractive f2f. she asked me how am i after the date and i seen her message for a day until i wrote to her im not interested. it was very mature of me. 

spoke with other girls but i got no dates. 

i worked more on my business. i keep finding myself not working harder and choosing to read or just spend time on instagram. i should work hard every day, if i really want to make this a full time job. 

 

what else?

it was hard to go to the office after working from home for a week. i was so tired i got late at work and had to work extra that day.

i questioned when i will be able to do do ecomm full time as a seller. i met with my friend last saturday and i felt like it will take even longer to get to his level. i kept thinking great things will take less time to build. 

i got 2 of those jellies last week and i cant say i got some great insights. i looked at a picture of teo and i couldn't believe i was at a date with her last year. i was thinking of all the real life things i am can accomplish that will feel like drugs, unreal! like imagine driving again - man, that would be dope.

i looked at a picture of my last ex by mistake and i just felt disgust. there were no more layers to that. just meh, i wasted my time, i should have left sooner etc. 

i woke up next day and i was still high. i panicked. i worried my parents will see me like that. 

 

i worked out harder and more last week but this week i focused on work more. 

a 35 years old colleague came back at work and he was weirder than ever. i freaked out thinking i might be like that in a few years. just sad, fat and lazy. he has a higher salary than me but his life is miserable. i feel sorry for him

a colleague noticed that i worked out and i was surprised. 

 

Edited October 24 by Everyday