165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

Today it was better. My thesis coordinator it is out of town so she cant check my last presentation version. But it is alright. 

I have to present my thesis at 9:12 tomorrow in 7 minutes. I have 37 slides so i will cut a lot out of it haha. 

 

Afterwards i am working at the library waiting for my friend to finish his turn, afterwards we are going to eat at a Vietnamese restaurant and get some beer. I will go to work later tomorrow as well and hang out with my colleagues at work later. Tomorrow night i am going over to the 24 year old girl i already slept with. What a great way to end an awesome day. Awesome!

Meeting with the younger one on Thursday. I am curious what will happen. 

 

Work was fine. I am learning about GA4 and i noticed i want to just understand it enough to pass a test at work. This is how i learned stuff the last 4 years. I cant be better at work behaving like this. It isnt good for me. I can at last focus on work and get shit done. I was really lazy since i started. I put more work on uni than to learn for my job and the place which i actually get money from. 

I also need to figure out how to express and explain myself better. I suck at talking with clients. 

 

A few of my colleagues didnt manage to pass some tests and an exam from last year so they have to wait until autumn to do it again. I imagine they are feeling pretty bad right now. I know i would.

 

Today was my second day at work consecutively since last year in October i think. It was hard. I was bored, i wanted to sleep and couldnt focus as much as i should have. I almost fell asleep during a meeting. 

 

I am trying to set dates with good looking girls but it isnt going well. Some of them have exams and i am struggling to keep the conversation engaging. I got ghosted a lot so far. 

 

Man, i cant believe 4 years passed since i started this degree. I changed so fucking much. I will change even more and i am excited about it haha. Life is really good. I made lots of progress the last 4 years. I am proud of myself. 

[Everyday]

On 6/27/2023 at 9:16 PM, Everyday said:

I have to present my thesis at 9:12 tomorrow in 7 minutes. I have 37 slides so i will cut a lot out of it haha. 

I was nervous at the beginning of the presentation but later i got my shit together. I explained to them what i did and my results without reading everything from the slides. 

They actually liked a lot my thesis. I had no problem answering to their questions. They asked if i am planning to do a masters and i lied. 

I got a 10 for my graduation thesis and i think that this is awesome. I put lots of effort into making it. Amazing!

 

I still cant believe i finished college for good. I got used to feel guilt and stress daily. 

 

Instead of working while waiting for my friend i spoke with a colleague and two of her friends whom i met volunteering in May. The colleague told me she broke up her 7 year long relationship with her boyfriend last month. Wow. They spend the last 4 years long distance. I imagined this guy is doing really good if this girls is ok waiting for him so long. Turns out he was extremely lazy and very controlling. She said she was very stupid for being loyal all these years when they met a few times a year only. She said she chose to be with him because her own insecurities. He told her how she will never find a guy to accept her because of her problems. OMG. I didnt even imagine this guy is like that. I actually met him last year. I thought she is the toxic one in the relationship because she seemed to order him around. 

 

After the presentation walked with my friend and got some nice lunch. Went to work and it was ok. Went to have dinner with my colleagues. Didnt drink at all and i actually felt good about it. Two of the new colleagues insisted i drink since one beer wont do any damage. Yeah, but i dont want to drink. The old colleagues knew =)))))

I get a little bored being there with them to be honest but i was nice. I was glad the 24 year girl wanted to meet last night. I left after 3 hours to see her. Arrived at her place and she was dressed super sexy. The sex was even more awesome even if i think i could fuck her better. I think i lack a constant rhythm. 

I didnt expect to meet with her since she said she is busy af. But now she said we can still meet. Nice! This is good news. 

My sister and brother werent happy to hear i am seeing her again. I feel good about it. It was so fun!

 

 

Damn, what a day! Finished college, ate good food, worked and had sex!

 

 

Tonight i am meeting with the younger girl. I am curious what will happen. I was thinking to break things with her. She is not what i want now. I dont feel comfortable getting into this ,,relationship''. In my mind it isnt a relationship. But i am acting like it is so basically i cheated on her with the other girls last night. I am not seeing it as cheating since i didnt want a relationship in the first place haha

 

 

Two girls told me we might meet next week. I am meeting with a polish girl this Sunday. She is really fun. I set up another date with a girl who seems okish sunday as well. I think i will cancel on that one. 

Stopped speaking with the girls who didnt put in some effort into the conversation. No reason to stress about it. 

 

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

16 hours ago, Everyday said:

Tonight i am meeting with the younger girl. I am curious what will happen.

She said last two weeks to meet at her place several times after i told her i am too busy to see her because of the thesis. So i imagined that last night we will meet at her place and there is no need to mention it again. She asked me where are we going two hours before the date. I just thought we will meet at her place but i didnt wanted to seem desperate actually telling her to meet at her place. Stupid.

I thought she doesnt actually want me to come to her place regardless of what she kept saying last 2 weeks. So i took it easy and said - do you want to go to the park and afterwards to your place? She said yes but her room looks weird being so empty. Lol. This is the lamest excuse to not invite someone over. OMG.

We went to the mall next to the park. Got ice cream and than we walked in the park. I felt so stupid and annoyed. She really wanted just to hang out and talk. She pulled back from kissing just to talk. I didnt touch her all over like last time since i had sex the other day. I was chill.

After 3 hours, i said it's late let's walk. We started going to her place i said - i will leave you at the bus station and go home. She said ok. Again, i thought she didnt actually want me to come over. I didnt even ask. Just left home, got some food and felt stupid for wasting my time with her. 

On my way home she kept messaging me about shit. She told me again how she looks down on girls who wear slutty clothes. While we walked in the park i saw some super hot girls. Wish i was with one of them instead. I remembered what she told me - she doesnt want to have sex after 1-2 months like some ppl have. I didnt think she is serious about this but she really was. 

 

Today was her last day living in the dorm room, alone. Next week she moves at a cousin for a week and after that she goes home until September. So we would meet just to talk, lol. She wants to meet several times next week since is the last - to meet and talk =)))))))))))))) Basically, if i keep talking to her i will get laid in autumn, after 4 months. Maybe. Yeah, no thanks. Time wasted man. This isnt the type of relationship i want. Just talking and talking especially that i cant say i have fun with her. 

 

Oh and she was kissing just as bad as last time. I noticed i was colder myself with her. Understandable. 

 

 

Whatever, i will meet with friends this weekend and also a polish girl. She is fun so far in conversation. Speaking with other girls but they dont really put any effort so no reason to bother. They arent really interested in having a conversation and this is ok. 

Edited June 30, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 6/30/2023 at 10:15 AM, Everyday said:

Today was her last day living in the dorm room, alone. Next week she moves at a cousin for a week and after that she goes home until September. So we would meet just to talk, lol. She wants to meet several times next week since is the last - to meet and talk =)))))))))))))) Basically, if i keep talking to her i will get laid in autumn, after 3 months. Maybe. Yeah, no thanks. Time wasted man. This isnt the type of relationship i want. Just talking and talking especially that i cant say i have fun with her.  She kept mentioning how she doesnt like getting undressed because of shame.....great

I felt anxious to break things up with her but there is no way i was going to see her again next week. I just cant waste other 3 hours just speaking shit. I stressed all day about actually messaging her to get it off my chest. I was cold with her last 2 days and this isnt nice at all. She kept messaging me even if i didnt replay. Just messages about anything. How she thinks of me and wants to be kissed blah blah - just to back down once we meet f2f.

I finally messaged her and she didnt have a total breakdown like i feared. My break up reason was that i cant have another long term relationship (even if isnt actually the case) but i was embarrassed to tell my other motives. I will do so as i get more confident. 

Next time i wont stay for so long seeing a girl like her. Five dates was too long. It was clear from the 1st / 2nd date.

 

She mentioned twice that i didnt let her know me better and giving her a chance. She mentioned i didnt let her in. I got this complaint in the past as well. I told her i am sure of my decision and that was it. I really am.

 

I feel so much better after i got this off my chest. It felt so uncomfortable getting all those cringe messages from her and seeing things going worst each time. I felt so down when we met last time. She isnt the type of girl i need now. 

 

Matched on Friday with a 26 year old girl on Tinder. We had a nice conversation and she was already making some plans for the future. I didnt feel uncomfortable like i did with the girl above. Maybe because she is more beautiful and i like her vibe. Interesting. I see myself with this new girl, even meeting with friends. I saw myself like this with Teo1 a few months ago. I am actually panicking again when she doesnt reply for some time. Wow. 

 

Might meet with one of several girl i talked over the week. I could message again the ones which didnt put much effort but i will waste my time honestly. All the dates i had like that turned bad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday i did some work and mainly playing minecraft. It made me feel very bad. I was in my bed all day. Didnt mediate in 4 days. I feel trapped. I should do smth productive but i was so lazy. Also i was stressed wanting to end things with that younger girl. 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

 

 

On 7/2/2023 at 0:12 PM, Everyday said:

I feel so much better after i got this off my chest. It felt so uncomfortable getting all those cringe messages from her and seeing things going worst each time. I felt so down when we met last time. She isnt the type of girl i need now. 

It feels so good to not feel like i have to replay to those cringe and frequent messages. I was surprised she didnt keep trying harder to make me stay like i did with my 1st ex. I was really desperate. She let it go and i appreciate this. I didnt let Teo1 go so easily and didnt mind my own business so fast.

I checked this younger girl again on Tinder and she started using it again. Good for her to be honest. I hope she find someone who actually likes her. It was too much for me. 

 

I went on my 22th birthday with a Polish girl. She was shy and anxious as i imagined since she didnt have close up pics of herself. She was cute anyways. We had drinks at a bar and afterwards we drank beer in the park. She mentioned this but i wasnt sure she is serious. This is really nice. She was fun. She said she likes me as well even if she will be here until October. Maybe we will have sex after going out a few more times. It was a good date anyways. 

 

Set up a date with a girl who mentioned she is looking for fun. We spoke for a few days. 

 

I am also really looking forward to meet the 26 year old girl. We didnt speak about a certain time to meet but i hope it will be this week. She didnt actually tell me when she is free. I should ask again. I have a good feeling about her like i had about teo1. I see myself with her already. I like we can have a conversation opposed with replaying in several days.

 

Meeting with the 24 year old girl only for drinks since her mom is coming over. 

Met with friends and it was fun. They high five me for banging this chick and told me i should have dumped the younger one sooner. One of them said is good i know the name of the girl i slept with. Of course, she is actually nice. 

 

 

I didnt want to go to work and well, work. Wanted to stay home and be lazy. I SKIPPED a few days of meditation. Not cool. Drank more last night than i wanted but it is alright. I didnt get too drunk. Work was boring at times, i am used to take longer breaks and do the bare minimum. I wanted to say i will do this next week but i cant. I really worked. 

 

Got some more junk food to celebrate graduation. 

 

I am still afraid to be lazy now. It was useful to have an external factor to be productive. I am looking back at those times i was working towards finishing uni almost each day last 2 months. I feel getting lazy after work and just chill =))

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

I was in vacation in Greece with my family and the family of my sister's boyfriend. Overall it was fun and it was also my 1st time there. It was really awesome. It was the 1st time i went out of the country since NL, 4 years ago.

Felt embarrassed with my father because of all the shit he was saying while tipsy.

I spent a few nights alone in my room playing minecraft and listening to interviews. 

 

I kept messaging the new girl, the polish girl and the other girls i have  been seeing since last month. I wanted to meet with the polish girl last night but it was too late for her. Wanted to meet with the new girl today but she said she doesnt know at what time she finishes work. Wanted to meet with the girl i slept with already but she was too tired today.

I didnt manage to get a date while i was in Greece. I got little gifts from the girls above. I think it was a cringe gesture from me. 

 

I feel i am wasting my time with the new girl. Not sure she wants to actually meet f2f. Also, the polish girl doesnt message me unless i do first.

 

 

What else?

I feel frustrated i didnt travel last few years because fear of not having enough money. I need to do better at work to at least move out man. I am still living with parents. I still feel i am not good enough to get more clients and so on. 

I didnt work out last week and skipped some mediation days. I feel terrible about that.

 

I am staying in my room too much doing nothing. I need to go out more. Do more shit. 

 

 

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Arrived last night home. I am looking forward to just chill and do my routine instead of having to travel again. I really liked Greece but i missed my lazy routine over here.

It was fun to be in Greece with siblings and friends. My friends showed up to surprise me. It was fun!

 

Im hitting soon 7 months without tv series and porn although I kinda watched 1-2 vids of porn a month ago i think but nothing after that. Used pics and videos of hot girls and also my own imagination. 

I ate gyros every day and i gained 3 kg =)))))

 

While i was there i was thinking of being back here. Thought about work and not being good enough. Not earning more. I thought of coming back home and dating again. I thought of finally starting my own business with brother but now i feel resistant to do it once i am home. I would rather play some minecraft today.

One of my friends didnt finish college this year as he said. He is "trying" to finish it for 5-6 years now. Isnt hard but he is lazy as fuck. He needs to wait until autumn or another year once again. His GF was disappointed of him. His lack of ambition triggers her even if everything else seems to go well. He didnt speak about these things at all with us. This is how this friend group is. 

Another friend asked me how am i and i tried to tell him how i feel about my job - not wanting to be stuck like my colleagues when i get older. He didnt actually listen to me but offered some advice from a book - just quit blah blah. I just wanted to vent. He talked some shit from the books he read and wanted me to read them as well to talk about them together. Nah, i have my own shit to deal with. I was annoyed of his shit.

 

I was surprised they came since it is so hard to organised smth with them since they dont replay to messages on the group chat AND when they do they dont say they dont like it. Last year i tried to organize NYE and they didnt even open my links to different villas and apartments. 

I asked them what they think about some kicking locations i sent on the group chat and no body replayed. Why do i even try?

 

I felt bad for getting lost in minecraft, tv series and procrastination. I have so much shit to read and learn about and i chose to be lazy. I wasted so much time that now i dont feel like actually picking back a book from my book list. I used uni as an excuse to avoid doing the work. I wasted 4 years of my life with that degree. Now i am scared of the free time i have. It is so scary. I want to distract myself again - got back on tinder. I have 4 h for a date but not 1h for a good book.

Didnt actually work out last 2 weeks. Didnt even do my back exercises. 

 

 

 

 

I kept speaking with the girl i slept with but we might not meet anytime soon because of her work. I spoke some more with the new girl but for some reason she doesnt seem to actually want to meet f2f, her work schedule is also crazy so not sure when can we meet. We have been speaking for 3 weeks. 

The polish girl didnt message me and i didnt message her until today. I am curious if i can set up a date and maybe having sex.

Glad i let go to the younger girl, 3 weeks ago. She was super annoying. I should have ran away sooner. She was too much for me. Next time say stop when they already think there is a relationship going on after 1 date. 

 

 

 

On of my sister's friends asked if he can bring someone else with us on the trip to Greece. He said he cant say on the phone with whom. Lol. He gathered all of us to tell us to big story after he had a drink to give him courage. Spoiler alert, it was some girl from tinder he met twice. Lol. All this drama from some girl he just met omg. =))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) He would refer to her as "you know" or "mhmmm" or "the lady". SO CRINGE. 

He asked her if he can hold her hand after the second date lol. He told her "i wont try to kiss you, dont worry" as if it would be a threat. So all that drama and show for a girl who met twice looooool. So cringe. He went to a very expensive restaurant to impress her and payed for everything but didnt pay for common things for this trip. Ridiculous. 

Edited July 23, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hei

 

I asked the new girl if she wants to meet again and she said maybe so i immediately asked the polish girl if she wants to meet. Turns out i actually met with the new girl and had to cancel on the other one. It was a dick move but the new girl cancelled last week as well. 

I went to a park with the new girl instead of a bar. She was actually nice and cute. I liked her much more than Bia2, the 20 years old girl. She isnt plain crazy and cringe. She doesnt seem to have massive truama like the other 26 old girl.

The only problem in my eyes if she wants to merry asap instead of just dating. She is 26 and she mentioned her relatives keep asking her why she doesnt have someone. I should have noticed sooner but she isnt into working out and even walking. She felt tired after a walk in the park and going up some stairs :)))))))))

She told me how she didnt really want to meet but she was glad we met because she liked me. We spoke for 3 weeks and she would be warm or super cold from time to time. It was weird. 

 

I spoke to meet again with the polish girl next week. Hope we meet because she was fun. I wont text her daily as i didnt last 6 days. No pressure. 

 

I am not looking forward to go to work tomorrow morning. I need to take a break and look at my life and how can i be more productive. 

I finally worked out with my brother after not doing anything for 2 weeks. Did my back exercises as well. I felt that it was harder to do push ups and other exercises. 

I should learn GA4. I keep postponing this bro.

 

I helped my sensei from Krav maga to understand smth he didnt understand about his ads. I honestly didnt want to listen to his crap and just wanted to make the ads and move on. I really didnt feel like listening to his drama and other shit from the dojo. I just wanted to end the call as soon as possible. After the call i didnt want to implement the changes in campaigns i talked about with him. I just wanted to procrastinate and do it tomorrow. If i didnt go to this date i would have listened to some book or did those ads or made some research about selling products online

 

[Everyday]

Woke up at 7 but fell asleep again until 9. I arrived at work late. Most of my colleagues didnt bother to come in. I guess my boss didnt tell them to come in at work on a regular schedule as well.

I didnt fall asleep at work (surprisingly) even if i went to sleep after 2 am. I discovered some other mistakes i made in my ads, like not changing the sitelinks texts and links. It's past half of 2023 but my ads said: 2022 Products offers. Ridiculous that no body saw it for such a long time. The links i used are from last year promotion as well. Bro, is almost august. I need to give a fuck more. 

I felt so frustrated for shutting myself down completely to finish that degree. I feel so resistant to actually start that business with my brother. I kept postponing for 7 months. Now i feel afraid to start. Found some products. I asked my father for a lawyer phone number to make the business papers. I feel afraid and resistant. 

But i also feel angry. I looked over the businesses of my ex work colleague and he literally makes more than my family with just one of his firms. Ridiculous! He has at least 3 firms to avoid taxes. This made me upset that i put on pause starting this business sooner but i understand how stressed i was all this time. 

Man, cant wait to start and actually make money from this. I feel upset having to go to work to earn my shit paycheck, sitting on that chair for 8 hours, being afraid to get fired and wasting 2 hours in total just to go there 3 times a week. I know that other ppl work more and for less but still... I want more. Meanwhile that guy works from his own office and can take a break whenever he wants to. Insane. It would be amazing to have all that free time like he does. Even if i know he also puts lots of work in this when he has lots of orders. 

Yes, i just wrote a stupid rant. I do like my job even if i would like to work less at times or to just leave work after finishing my tasks. The real problem is not making more money I think. I feel there is more to life for me than just working for my current job and not earning more. I want to have the money to travel and live a life with more free time and doing more stuff after and during the day without feeling stressed i will get fired. 

I spent all that time helping others to get rich, making their ads and crap but not for myself. Ridiculous. 

 

I am also feeling frustrated that i waste time after work most of the times. But i am working on this now. I need to stay away from minecraft and tv series and all of that crap. Same for Instagram, that's why i deleted it today. I should also take a tinder break. 

Edited July 25, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

I was anxious but i called the lawyer and she told us the first steps to start a business. I am waiting form my brother to give me some documents. This was the hardest step - the beginning. I already chose with what products to begin. Looking for others. 

I feel frustrated seeing that some of our clients at work have no idea what are they doing but they make money. Why not me as well?

 

Work was slow but fine. Today i watched a movie with siblings after work and that was it. Also, i wrote my thoughts about starting this new thing and my frustrations. 

I didnt tell to everyone about this because i am afraid i will fail. I want to tell them after i made some money. I feel driven. I visualised doing this business. Hehe. Looking forward to make it happen. I am excited to buy the first products and wait for our first order. Yay. 

 

So glad i am done with uni and now i can focus on other stuff. Man, i put too much work into that degree =)))))

 

Edited July 25, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

I sent all the remaining documents to the lawyer to register own business. We met with an accountant as well. 

My sister found out from my parents about this and she also joined. Now we own 33.3% each. I didnt tell her about this until now because i thought she isnt interested. She was upset i left her out. I didnt tell more ppl because i dont want them to know if things dont go well.

But now we have more money to start with and my sister can do customer management which i hate. 

Next step is to find even more products and i feel worried about this. I am looking at tutorials online and i am feeling a little overwhelmed. Still unclear which products to pick next. 

 

Overall i feel very chill. I love it. University was stressing me so much. 

 

Next steps? Meet with the accountant tomorrow once again and wait for the lawyer to do her tasks. I need to search for some products, order them and wait for them for about a month.

 

I didnt play minecraft either, just fell asleep because i was very tired and watching some videos on ecomm. 

 

Im meeting again with the new girl and after that with the polish girl. Maybe next week with the other one. Didnt set up a date with nothing new from tinder

 

Edited July 27, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

We spend all the needed papers to our lawyer and now we are waiting. 

The accountant said he wont ask us for money in the first 3 months if we dont make any money. Cool. After that he told us we wont succeed but we can try. I didnt like this but i didnt take him seriously. He never had an online store so he doesnt know what is all about and what is possible. 

 

I feel resistant to watch some videos online about search for new products. Understandable. 

 

I felt very lazy today. I even checked out some movie and tv series trailers. I didnt do this in 7 months. Wow. 

[Everyday]

Hey

19 hours ago, Everyday said:

I felt very lazy today. I even checked out some movie and tv series trailers. I didnt do this in 7 months. Wow. 

I listened to more interviews while i was playing minecraft until 4 am. After that i was on instagram and tik tok until 5 am. Got tik tok again to search for some products there as well. Woke up at 12.

I felt very bad for wasting so many hours but i feel resistant about searching for winning products. I have this idea i have to make it work from the start WHICH is wrong. I watched some more videos and i thought these guys have a formula to find products. Turns out they do research on Ads spy, google keywords, google trends and tik tok and they just TEST THESE PRODUCTS. I mean the same thing my 17 year old ex colleague from work did with his online store. So simple really. No magic formula actually, just trail and error. 

Another guy said to expect results in 6 months and after 1 year you know you are doing good if you didnt fail. I imagined being successful by the end of the year. I have so much to learn and starting is the most important thing. I can keep trying different products until i find good ones to focus on. But this comes with time. 

I also have the eCommerce results for all our clients from work. I can look there for similar products. I dont start from zero. I need to be patient. A someone said - you learn the most by actually doing it yourself and this is true! I need to focus more of my free time into doing this research and learning more and more. 

 

The new girl i went out with last week is cold once again. We were supposed to meet today but she changed her mind and went home this weekend. Her jumping from warm to cold is a red flag for me. It is clear she isnt that interested. I dont know what is going on but i am loosing my patience. 

I didnt get any new date from tinder. I lost interest in speaking with the new matches. I replayed 1-2 times a day. 

 

I feel the pressure i put on myself to be productive after university ends and i feel afraid i am doing the opposite. I should work out more, read books, learn about ecomm and so on. But i want to play minecraft and watch tv series and crap like that.

A colleague from high school is looking for a flatmate. I would have to pay only food and utilities. But i should use the money to test new products instead of paying for survival. Think long term

 

Maybe i should do a new journal, celebrating that i finished college. 

 

I am realizing now that the french guys i worked for 4 years ago didnt know what are they doing. They barely spent any money on ads because they had many idealistic ideas. Same for the products they launched. They probably should have stopped sooner after not seeing results. 

I 

Edited July 29, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

I found several products after searching for several hours. It wasnt so hard after all. I need to test them and ask my siblings what the think. I calmed down a little. 

I bought an online price calculation plus other excel sheets. This one is showing me the potential profit of each products i am thinking to buy. I am still waiting for it since there was a problem with their site.

 

I went to laser maxx with my brother, his gf and his work colleagues. He wasnt super BFF with his work colleagues as i expected. Same as i behave at work. Interesting. I forgot we had that scheduled so i didnt do as much as i wanted today.

I spoke a little more with the new girl and i got so frustrated because she would replay to me with almost zero interest: Yes, No, OK. Why does she behave like that? I am confused. Just to be super warm soon once again. 

I checked the Instagram stories of someone which is friends with a girl from High school. Guess who was dancing at that event in the background? Teo1! I didnt expect to see her again. For some reason i felt bad for not working harder on myself, for wasting time and blah blah. Well, i reminded myself she isnt interested and this is ok. Move on. Mind your business and focus on your own life and problems. I have so much work to do haha.

I need a plan once again. I dont have clear targets anymore. I dont know what to exactly do with all this free time. 

 

Digable Planets - 9th Wonder (Blackitolism)

 

[Everyday]

On 7/30/2023 at 0:59 AM, Everyday said:

I bought an online price calculation plus other excel sheets. This one is showing me the potential profit of each products i am thinking to buy. I am still waiting for it since there was a problem with their site.

I presented it to my siblings and they like it. I wonder if some of our clients from work even have a tool like that. 

I checked the numbers of some clients and i was surprised not making lots of profit. Some of them having full breakdowns when the site has major problems. Some bringing money from home to make the business better. But you look at them from outside and think they know what they are doing. Not even close. 

I came up with more ideas of products. I can check the other clients' sites and see what they sold the most. I can extent to beauty, cosmetics, toys, etc. 

 

I met with the polish girl last Sunday and i expected we would kiss and so on. But she didnt even want to hold hands. She said she likes me as well last time but now she changed her mind and she doesnt want a FWB type of relationship. I should have asked her again by text instead of guessing what she wants. I could have saved 5 wasted hours together if i just asked her what she is looking for. Offfffff - try to tell girls what you looking for.

Met again with the girl i slept with already. We had sex and it was fun. She asked what are we? I said - we speak every day so i guess we are in a relationship, right? She said yes! and got closer to me. Of, i couldnt tell her the truth fearing i wont get laid anymore. I dont like how she looks like but everything else is very good! I mean why not go along for a while? I didnt manage to set up new dates anyways.

 

What else? 

Just glad i dont have university anymore hehe. I feel good working on this project even if now i feel resistant and tired to search more products. Today i almost fell asleep at work. I didnt happen in a while. Offf. Went to bed late because i banged her. 

My new colleagues already have 10+ clients and they are here less than a year. I have 1 client and 3 accounts and i am so afraid i will fuck things up with new ones. I am just trying to take advantage being so chill for now. It is a blessing so far. I am just minding my own business most of the time. I am afraid i will get scolded again if i get new clients. What will i do when they keep telling me they dont get enough conversions? I still struggle with speaking with them and making sense. 

 

 

Edited August 1, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Didnt get any new dates and i reply once or twice a day to the girls i am speaking on tinder because i dont feel excited. 

I imagine i will be productive after i already have this business rolling and i dont work regular schedule. But this is crazy to wait for that long. I hate i wasted all day even i found new products. Besides this i was all day in my bed. My siblings tried to have me move a little and i got upset. I wanted to be left alone just like i felt when i was watching tv series. I need to finish this and after that i will be productive. This isnt working.

I didnt go out of the house in the last 2 days. I just staying on my laptop and dreamed i will be x and y when i have more time and money. Absurd. 

Edited August 4, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

21 hours ago, Everyday said:

I didnt go out of the house in the last 2 days. I just staying on my laptop and dreamed i will be x and y when i have more time and money. Absurd. 

I woke up around 11 and meditated, did exercises and cleaned my room. I felt so much better afterwards. It was amazing but still felt resistant. Did more tasks. 

I finally cleaned all university related papers from my work laptop. I also cleaned my old phone of notes dating back to 2021. 

I took a one hour walk at night and it made me feel so much better. 

Now i am worrying for the future. Here it is, life after college at last and i dont have an excuse to not work on myself. I dont have university anymore to deal with. I am finally free but i feel the pressure of too much freedom. I put so much guilt on myself that is hard to meet these expectations. 

I ordered some samples form aliexpress and i am worrying already if we will sell anything. I am using 98% already tested products but i am still afraid we will fail. I am thinking so small. It is about learning first. I am finally having my own business. I am doing smth to get a better life.

I feel very comfortable at work and i think this is a problem. I have been comfortable for the last 4+ years. Man, i am turning 25 next month. Unreal. I feel i havent done enough. I feel i have up on myself time and time again. I need to get my shit together even more. 

I am glad i worked out after that 2 week break, that i didnt start watching porn again and that i didnt get hooked on tv series again. I was really thinking to just watch smth the other day. But i really need to behave in a certain way if i want to achieve more in life. 

 

I want more form life and i need to define this in a better way. I am just feeling guilt all the time and this isnt healthy. I need to define what confidence looks for me, i stopped imagining my goals months ago. I just kept focusing so much on this stupid degree that i forgot i have a life afterwards. Now, these goals i had at the beginning of the year seem to little. Even if it is huge to work out all year, meditate, no tv series and so on. 

 

I ate 6g of shrooms with some watermelon and lemon juice half an hour ago.  I am looking forward for the trip to start. It has been 8 months since last one, back in December. I still didn watch tv series and that is amazing. I deleted minecraft now because i spent too much time last 40 days playing it. Horrible way to waste my time and feel bad all day. 

 

 

I was surprised at work when my colleagues wanted to take the elevator for just one story. That is insane. Another told me he took the tram for 2 station because he didnt want to walk to work. OMG. This isnt normal. Another girl, 35?, working here for 8 years is taking her laptop in vacation with her because her clients are nuts and has too much to work. I dont want to be like that...

Edited August 5, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

12 hours ago, Everyday said:

I ate 6g of shrooms with some watermelon and lemon juice half an hour ago.  I am looking forward for the trip to start. It has been 8 months since last one, back in December. 

It was stronger but i didnt freak out like last time. It was nice that it wasnt so cold now that i didnt have to switch from sweating to freezing in the same time. I felt very happy looking around my room and just smiling. Life is good. I felt so relaxed and i thought of what have i achieved so far this year. I listened to music for the first few hours and i loved it. 

After some time i started again to think of my life and everything which isnt going great. I thought of the struggle to articulate my thoughts and i have to improve this limitation. I have a few ideas but overall i am clueless. 

I thought of other things which bother me day by day. For example i would like to cook again so i dont feel so much guilt ordering food at work In the beginning to just one day a week and work your way up from there. I also thought how to limit feeling negative feelings. One method would be to not play minecraft for example. I feel so bad knowing i waste time playing it for hours. 

Bottom line, my life is much better than it was 8 months ago but i felt i got lazier last few months. I got a new boost to work with. I needed that. 

 

I made a list of things which bother me daily and i am making a plan to deal with them. 

I felt very bothered having to go to work and staying there 9h for several days. It feels so constricting. I dreamed of having more free time and earning money selling products online. I also noticed again how stressed i am about money. I saved up so much money and i still feel bad each time i buy smth. I should relax more and invest those money. I saved enough. 

I need to work again on my discipline. I got sloppy. 

I have lots of fears about failing to sell profitable online different objects. But why? It is a learning experience. I have enough money saved up, once the firm is done i can start actually doing it. So many ppl are already making money from this, why not me as well? I still dont see it, like i didnt see my thesis finished. It would be being amazing to make enough per month to quit work, you know? It would also raise my self esteem tenfold. 

After that i thought about dating and what to do. I dont see it as so relevant honestly. I am still resistant to read books on this and use that knx. I also feel bad seeing this girl because i dont like how she looks like. I do want to get laid but i dont like that it lead to a relationship. I also dont think is ok going so far just to get laid. I also dont see myself spending each day with a girl anymore. That was such a waste of time. 

 

Another big problem was not finding the time to work on all these problems and with which one to start? It is just too much to even choose. But i need to start with smth. I cant just say i dont have time, maybe just a few hours a week but do smth!. 

 

 

[Everyday]

What's up?

On 8/6/2023 at 1:09 PM, Everyday said:

After some time i started again to think of my life and everything which isnt going great. I thought of the struggle to articulate my thoughts and i have to improve this limitation. I have a few ideas but overall i am clueless. 

I found a perfect formula - I use the chat GPT app on my phone while i take the subway or just sit in bed. So simple! I was thinking to do 20 min daily but it seems better to make it more natural and just write as much as i feel. I feel it does help me to learn to explain myself much better.

 

I laughed a lot at work, but today i was more bored with my work and also i was tired and almost fell asleep. However i payed more attention to the accounts and campaigns i worked on. I really didnt care much about my work and it shows. I just laid back and now it is hard to learn as fast as i want to learn. But i thought that selling online on these platforms is a very useful skill to have in the future for personal reasons. 

I noticed that i dont like having to spend 8 hours a day to do that work, It feels too much, i could be learning smth else in this time. I could be in the park, i could be working out and so on. This is not the life i want to have in 5 years. It feels crazy i am turning 25 next month. When did one year pass already???? I lost most of this year finishing college. Now i am loosing being at work man. 

 

I didnt meet with that girl at her place because her niece was ill. I said ok no problem and went home after the movie last night. Ask this guy if i can move at his place even if for one month but he doesnt even have a bed there. Next time. 

 

Our boss underlined again how frustrated he feels seeing these dumb clients making mad money even if they dont understand eCommerce. It is really weird for us to be asked how they can sell more even if they are the sellers and they should know! Another thing is that they dont trust our advice or dont want to follow. Unreal. Yet, they do make money. 

 

Arrived home and did sport with my brother. I want to hit 2x a week and after that 3x a week. I also got some food at work from home and resisted overeating junk food for no reason, I dont need to listen to these intrusive thoughts about eating junk food when feeling bad or for no reason at all. I also did my exercises for my bad. I am working now on not using my phone after waking up.

 

I deleted minecraft so that temptation is out of the picture. That trip really motivated me. But discipline will actually bring me closer to these goals. Hehehe. 

 

Tried to set up a date with a girl i didnt even like that much and she kept saying she is just busy and other excuses. The other girl, the new one doesnt message me much, just a how are you here at there. Weird but i dont mind. I didnt like her that much and at least i tried. 

I met 2 new girls on Tinder and i like both. I might meet one this week and another one next week. I am looking forward. 

 

I didnt end things with the girl i already had sex with, M. I want to fuck some more. I think i will use the excuse that she is too busy to have a relationship or smth. I should have told her the truth but now i have to lie some more. I dont see myself in a real relationship with her because i dont find her attractive enough. But besides this i do like the sex and so on. Whatever, not so important . Dont stress with this .

 

I still have resistance to read some books. I still have resistance to do some stuff and tasks. It is normal. 

I am afraid to get comfortable with this job. So comfortable i end up doing nothing else but work and chill.

When i am asked how am i doing now i just say i am chilling whereas a few months ago i was saying i am stressed because of work and so on. I like how this feels for now. I dont feel that stressed or bothered by much right now. Even if deep down i still am stressed. 

Edited August 9, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hello, 

I told my parents i want to get vaccinated against hepatitis A and B and they freaked out. They said i already got the vaccine for at least hepatitis B and some vaccine conspiracy. I will ask my doctor again next week. My parents got upset because i want to take an evil vaccine and other shit. 

I also want to get the HPV vaccine just in case i get smth from these girls. 

I feel an urge to play minecraft, watch tv series and other crap online

 

What else?

Work was slow today. I was tired and didnt work as much as i wanted. I am also thinking what else can i do with all this free time. I feel resistant to read more about the marketplace and other useful videos. 

I read more about that last night and it wont be all that easy. Lots of shit clients and returns as well.