165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

On 4/2/2023 at 3:41 PM, Everyday said:

While smoking and drinking i felt i shouldn't do this and i need to listen to it more often. It always seems fun but it is not always like this. I should get drunk/ high when i feel like it. 

I need to listen to my gut and heart. I dont feel like getting drunk/ high just dont. Same for going out if you can.

I worked a lot yesterday on one of the projects but with lots of long breaks. I skipped university. I woke up but chose to go back to sleep. I am stressed as fuck to work again and finish that shit.

 

- updates -

I washed my clothes from the night i got drunk. I had puke and shit on my pants and tshirt. I didnt even noticed when i left. I also have a bruise and a whole in my jacket because apparently i fell in a parking lot that night. 

My sister's BF came over and he insisted i drink a little with him. I kept refusing and i didnt drink. I felt uncomfortable being asked over and over again. 

 

Went to bed at 5 am, watching videos on YT from Soft White Underbelly and playing Polytopia. So many ppl saying dont do drugs and regretting not working on themselves more and dealing with their problems. I will take a break from alcohol and drugs for now. I dont feel like taking them most of the times. I am doing it to have fun with friends.

 

I stopped my Tinder app since last week. I have a new date tomorrow with a really hot 19 year old. I might meet again with the girl living in the other town who is here just 2 days a week. She says we might meet next week. I dont feel ok about this distance but i am curious where will it lead. I can invest in this shit since i am not dating anyone else. Maybe i will get laid in a few months or not. 

 

Worked some more on that stupid project for uni but took some stupid long breaks. I want to finish that shit fast.

Edited April 5, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 4/4/2023 at 7:55 PM, Everyday said:

I stopped my Tinder app since last week.

I remembered feeling annoyed i have to replay to messages when i had the app. I am glad i took a break now and i dont have that anymore for now. 

 

On 4/4/2023 at 7:55 PM, Everyday said:

I have a new date tomorrow with a really hot 19 year old.  

So i didnt feel like going to be honest. She delayed the date one day because of bad weather so i cancelled on the other girl (wasnt sure we would meet). Anyway, i went to meet with her and i liked her. We had chemistry and spent 5 hours hanging out. It was the first date in my neighborhood. We went to a coffee shop and after that walked in the park. I walked her home but didnt ask if she wants me to come upstairs. Idk. I was afraid of a rejection. 

I should have kissed her sooner. She has lots of experience and i wish i had too. She was joking i am old haha. She is mature for her age. I did like she found it normal to hold her hand while walking and normal to kiss at 1st date. She said she finds it weird to kiss only after several dates. Interesting. I should go out with girls like this one more!

She thanked me for buying her a drink. I didnt get thanks all the time.

We might meet again next week. I am not sure to be honest. I did like her actually. I feel less needy than i was with Teo 1 but still. I am trying to be more detached and not imagine us together and so on.

She is one of the most beautiful girls i dated so far. 

 

 

On 4/4/2023 at 7:55 PM, Everyday said:

I might meet again with the girl living in the other town who is here just 2 days a week. She says we might meet next week. I dont feel ok about this distance but i am curious where will it lead. I can invest in this shit since i am not dating anyone else. Maybe i will get laid in a few months or not. 

I asked her to meet and she was like maybe, i dont promise. Hmm. We speak every day. I am curious when she will let me bang her. She feels very distant. I will just keep speaking to her to see what happens. I think i could have banged Luiza (the only girl i went out in January 2023) if i kept speaking to her instead of ghosting. So it is an experiment. 

 

 

I was invited to a lasagna dinner with my high school friends. The girl who cooked for us is fresh out of a 1 year relationship. She was touching me and staying very close to me. One of our friends was looking at us and i felt embarrassed. Nothing happened even if i was curious what might happen. She is super hot. But i dont want to fuck the relationship with my friends.  I am glad i had just one beer and controlled myself. If i drank like the other guys i would have clearly touched her too. I would have regretted next day.

 

Yesterday i had a headache but i just thought i am getting sick, nothing to worry. Arrived home and got an even stronger headache with sweats and insane back pain. I couldnt sit in bed because of the pain. It was horrible. I dont know what happened. I worked out that day, maybe the sickness amplified the soreness. It was horrible. 

 

 

I did some good progress with one of those stupid uni projects for uni.

 

 

Oh, i forgot, i went out with a 20 year old living in the same dorm building as the girl i had sex with next month. I thought i am going to bang her. She was fat. We didnt have chemistry. She was out of a 4 year relationship and was looking to jump into another one. 

She told me most of her dates are in cars in the parking lot next to her place. Wow. So simple. I went with her to get drinks. Wtf. She told me how she had several jobs since she moved to this city because her ex didnt want to work and she had to pay rent. I need to respect myself more for being me and not that guy. WTF

I ended the date after 2h but i should have ended it sooner. I didnt like her. She didnt seem to like me either and it is ok. I was looking around and all the other guys had really hot dates again.

She told me her age limit for dating is 35. Awesome! I shouldnt stress to date now, i have years to learn. No worries. 

She said lots of guys sent her dick pics on Badoo. Lots of weird messages. 

Edited April 9, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 4/10/2023 at 1:26 AM, Everyday said:

I did some good progress with one of those stupid uni projects for uni.

I am almost done with that shit haha

Still, have the second one to continue

 

 

On 4/10/2023 at 1:26 AM, Everyday said:

Yesterday i had a headache but i just thought i am getting sick, nothing to worry. Arrived home and got an even stronger headache with sweats and insane back pain. I couldnt sit in bed because of the pain. It was horrible. I dont know what happened. I worked out that day, maybe the sickness amplified the soreness. It was horrible. 

Had some light headaches but nothing close to what i had that night. 

 

On 4/10/2023 at 1:26 AM, Everyday said:

I asked her to meet and she was like maybe, i dont promise. Hmm. We speak every day. I am curious when she will let me bang her. She feels very distant. I will just keep speaking to her to see what happens. I think i could have banged Luiza (the only girl i went out in January 2023) if i kept speaking to her instead of ghosting. So it is an experiment. 

She messaged me to cancel the day we should have met again. I understand she has work but i got a little frustrated. I have been speaking to her for 3 weeks already.

I want to be 26 and tired of life like she is. There is no life to live. 

 

 

On 4/10/2023 at 1:26 AM, Everyday said:

We might meet again next week. I am not sure to be honest. I did like her actually. I feel less needy than i was with Teo 1 but still. I am trying to be more detached and not imagine us together and so on.

I asked her out to meet again last week but she had plans. I asked her again this week and we are going to meet tomorrow night. She was available on Tuesday as well but i didnt want to seem desperate and go out the very day i asked her out again.

I am looking at pics of her and daydreaming lol. Classic for me when i like a girl. Did the same with Teo. I have to work on this.

I m meeting her tomorrow night and i am excited. I am still worried she will ghost me. I wonder if we will have sex tomorrow. She is the most beautiful girls i kissed so far. I would love to bang her hehe

 

 

We did the pics for the last year of university and it pissed me that i didnt know what to talk about with my colleagues. I stayed away from them and spoke just a little bit. 

 

 

Last few days havent been great. I am watching too many interviews on YT and playing polytopia each fucking night. I hate this. I am tired and missed a few classes. I gave up tv series but now i am doing this shit. 

 

Easter is this weekend and i am glad i have a little break from work even if i really didnt work much last 2 weeks. I got lazy and bored with work. I am just stressed to be called out for wasting time and being lazy but getting paid. 

 

I procrastinated all week to put my shrooms in that stupid tent. It took me like 1 h and it was done but got, i hated doing it. So much guilt for not doing this sooner lol.

 

I made an excel with a friend to see how much can you make selling a product online. I dont think ours is good enough. 

The package arrived from China a few days ago but i postponed to take it.

 

 

[Everyday]

On 4/14/2023 at 0:46 AM, Everyday said:

I m meeting her tomorrow night and i am excited. I am still worried she will ghost me. I wonder if we will have sex tomorrow. She is the most beautiful girl i kissed so far. I would love to bang her hehe

We met and it was fun. I found it interesting she didnt let me kiss her a lot like last time. Interesting. We didnt banged, maybe she doesnt want to give it to me so fast to not label her an easy girl. I dont know to be honest. I asked her if shed like to meet again next week, and i had a feeling we wont. I dont know, i cant read the girls i do like yet. 

This time i didnt go as crazy as 1st time i really liked a girl i met on tinder. I was more relaxed so this makes me think i need more experience to get better at this shit. 

 

I find it interesting how we never run out of things to talk about yet, i cant maintain a conversation with some girls my age. Interesting. 

I noticed that the more beautiful a girl is the less she is pushing for a relationship or smth concrete. Interesting. I would like to have that attitude myself. 

 

I am learning a lot from these dates. 

 

 

Oh i finally set up the grow tent for mushrooms yesterday . I procrastinated for weeks to do it lol. 

I didnt do much today. I cleaned my room tho and chilled with siblings. That was nice. I didnt use my time better to finish that stupid project at uni. Pff.

[Everyday]

Hei

 

We celebrated Easter and i ate so fucking much haha. My sister said smth to my dad, he got upset and refused to eat with us at the table for this Easter, even if we had guests. Ridiculous. 

 

Some discussions about my 1st relationship started and i said i dont want to talk about it. Made me remember some stuff and made me upset and frustrated. After a few hours i felt better. 

I am feeling resentment about that relationship. I am feeling the same thing for my last relationship as well. But in the same time i feel i annoyed i dont find a gf faster or a stable sex partner. 

Oh, and my father isnt that bad compared with those horrible ppl i hear so many stories about. Just horrible ppl man.

 

 

I have been watching lots of interviews about ppl who are addicted to drugs, sex, prostitutes, people raped and abused and so on. The message is clear, dont do hard drugs. Learn to deal with emotions and so on. I am also feeling envy on sex workers for getting so much sex unlike me. Girls starting to have sex since middle school and so on. Weird thing to feel, right?

Anyway, some ppl went to some horrible shit. My drama doesnt compare with that crap. 

 

 

Last few weeks i spent a lot of time watching soft white underbelly interviews and playing polytopia. Last 2 weeks especially i went to bed at 4 am almost each day. I dont feel well. I am sleeping until noon and not getting shit done. I am feeling less motivation. I am using these interviews just like i used tv series and movies and porn.

Havent touched that for 4 months and i am glad but i do want to. I want to watch that crap now. I am also using too much instagram even if i moved both girls on Wapp. I should delete the app for now. I really should - done. I just deleted polytopia as well. I am wasting time on that crap man. 

I am looking back with pride at the 3 weeks without Instagram, back in February. Amazing time. 

I am reacting like this to stress. I finished on of those stupid projects yesterday. I am glad man. It hard and annoying. 

 

I am daydreaming of dating the girl i went out with last week and whom i like. I am daydreaming of banging her and relationship stuff. It bothered me lately being single. However, i didnt get tinder again. I need to invest time in uni for now.  - - -- - A part of feeling bad lately is Instagram. I am seeing too many hot girls and couples. 

She never messages me, i have to start the conversation all the time unlike the other girls. But this might be ok, we arent together, i dont have to replay each day. But i dont like chasing her. Makes me so annoyed. I dont like trying to guess if we will meet again or not. 

Some interesting dating advice - you dont need to replay fast and each day to a girl you are just talking with. There is no relationship going on. You have to decide if you want to let her into your life or not. Dont just bring anyone. Dont be ridiculous and respect your time and self. I am struggling with this. For example i drop any sense of respect for myself chasing girls. Ridiculous. I am too afraid to stop messaging a girl i like to be honest. Why not try?

I am curious if the girl i talked about with message me or not. 

 

I am going to my 1st wedding this weekend. I am excited. A girl from high school invited us. 

 

 

Last year i quit working out in July or June or May. I am afraid to do the same mistake. I was lazier about working out last few weeks. 

 

 

Edited April 17, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

21 hours ago, Everyday said:

Havent touched that for 4 months and i am glad but i do want to. I want to watch that crap now. I am also using too much instagram even if i moved both girls on Wapp. I should delete the app for now. I really should - done. I just deleted  polytopia as well. I am wasting time on that crap man. 

How do i feel after almost one day? 

Very fucking horny =))))) I fapped a lot and also slept a lot. I forgot how horny and sleepy i was in February. Quitting insta brought this up haha. I quit tv series and some other thing pops up, lol. It seems i am searching for a way to distract myself.

I was supposed to meet with some friends but 2 didnt replay and one of them thought it was tomorrow. Went there like a fool. I was so upset but didnt show it. Of doamne =))))). I walked for 1 hour and ate junk food. 

 

Arrived home thinking of past relationship and feeling lots of resentfulness. I checked my family wapp group to see if i left some pics of ex there. I didnt. Good. I felt bad tho because that all shit was 2 years ago and only at the end of last year i did smth about my dating life. I feel frustrated this dating thing is and was so fucking difficult. 

Anyways, i checked if i still have Teo 1 phone number in my blocked list on Tinder. I did and found my last ex phone number as well. As i am retarded, i messaged Teo happy Easter, hoping she might replay and might go out after all. It has been a month since she basically rejected me. Why am i doing this shit to myself?

Edited April 18, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hei

 

23 hours ago, Everyday said:

Very fucking horny =))))) I fapped a lot and also slept a lot. I forgot how horny and sleepy i was in February. Quitting insta brought this up haha. I quit tv series and some other thing pops up, lol. It seems i am searching for a way to distract myself.

Today was much better overall.

 

I finally started working on the second project for uni. I could have solved some problems last month at uni. Now i dont understand some stuff and have to message the professor. It was really hard to start but it wasnt so hard as i made it to be. I dont enjoy doing the project but it is ok.

 

Went to the post office to take my package from china. Waited for almost 2 hours. The products were ok except one of them. Also i didnt get two rings idk why. I checked the price after taxes and so on and it is profitable. I thought it wasnt and postponed checking it for some time. 

 

While waiting i overheard the conversation of two high school kids. He was talking about how much money  he lost gambling. The girls had the same problem. They grew up in a different circle than i did. I am glad i didnt start this shit. He was talking a lot of shit. Again, i realized i need to stop bitching about dating and date more. These kids started dating when they where 14! I need to date now a lot to develop this skill. I learning after each date. 

 

23 hours ago, Everyday said:

Anyways, i checked if i still have Teo 1 phone number in my blocked list on Tinder. I did and found my last ex phone number as well. As i am retarded, i messaged Teo happy Easter, hoping she might replay and might go out after all. It has been a month since she basically rejected me. Why am i doing this shit to myself?

Surprisingly she replayed and we chatted the whole day. Surprising that it didnt take her a whole day again to replay to one message. I am thinking to ask her out again. If she says she is just busy and doesnt suggest another day i should move on for good. I still feel stupid i messaged her.

 

I think i was just excited to meet a girl i liked with Teo. I am thinking about the whole situation and shes not that wow after all. I mean The 19 year old girl is much hotter. I just made this ideal image of Teo in my head. Interesting. Also, the second girl, Lorena didnt replay to me today and i didnt freak out hehe. She might replay tomorrow or never. I am not that crazy. I realized that shes not that WOW as i thought at the 1st date. Very interesting. Maybe if i went out with Teo again i would have said - she's ok, not wow. I didnt know this before. I am glad i do know this now. I am looking forward to learn even more. 

 

So that girl i am talking came in the city again for work. I didnt ask for a date. I was tired today. I am not sure i should keep talking to her. She is just to tired after coming all the way here to work. It feels too much for her too have a date as well, after work. I think i am wasting my time. Why do we even talk than? 

[Everyday]

16 hours ago, Everyday said:

Surprisingly she replayed and we chatted the whole day. Surprising that it didnt take her a whole day again to replay to one message. I am thinking to ask her out again. If she says she is just busy and doesnt suggest another day i should move on for good. I still feel stupid i messaged her.

I think i was just excited to meet a girl i liked with Teo. I am thinking about the whole situation and shes not that wow after all. I mean The 19 year old girl is much hotter. I just made this ideal image of Teo in my head. Interesting. Also, the second girl, Lorena didnt replay to me today and i didnt freak out hehe. She might replay tomorrow or never. I am not that crazy. I realized that shes not that WOW as i thought at the 1st date. Very interesting. Maybe if i went out with Teo again i would have said - she's ok, not wow. I didnt know this before. I am glad i do know this now. I am looking forward to learn even more. 

So i just told her the reason i kept pushing for a date it is because i never met a girl like her. I know it is cheesy. And told her i was never so insistent with anyone. She said thanks and i asked her when she's free the following weeks for a date. 

She said she started seeing someone. I said i understand and said that guy it's lucky.

Honestly, i  hoped she wanted to see me again. I wonder what that guy has and i dont. I will never know. It is not about me its just about her. There is nothing wrong with me. I am not what another person is looking for and it is alright. But it bothers me, of course. I did learn a lot from this experience. 

I will be fine. I am surprised but it was quite clear. She would have put some effort to see me again if she wanted for the past month even if she was busy. But i do want a girl who makes time for me. I was feeling frustrated chasing her. Everything will be ok, go back at doing your project. 

After I finish uni i can date as much as i want. I cant wait to learn even more and meet even nicer girls. Girls who dont forget about our date and dont take 1 day to replay, etc. Girls who make an effort to see me no matter my flaws and problems. I am a good match.

 

The other girls, Lorena still didnt replay. Probably she wont and it is alright. She wasnt more distant last date. I can focus more on myself. It was a nice experience. She was the hottest girl i kissed. 

Edited April 20, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

8 hours ago, Everyday said:

She said she started seeing someone. I said i understand and said that guy it's lucky.

I worked out shortly after she told me that. I did some work on my project as well.

Went to met with some friends and now i do feel better. 

 

I am feeling insecure because she chose that guy over me. I shouldnt have messaged her this week. I was better not knowing and just taking the fact at face value that she didnt want to go out with me and that was it. Next time i know. But i will be fine. I just need to keep working on myself. Maybe i focused too much on these girls.

 

8 hours ago, Everyday said:

The other girls, Lorena still didnt replay. Probably she wont and it is alright. She was more distant last date. I can focus more on myself. It was a nice experience. She was the hottest girl i kissed. 

I am so dramatic haha. 

She replayed after all and we chatted a little. Waiting to see if she is free this Saturday to hang out. 

Edited April 20, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hei

 

Went to bed at 4 am yesterday. I barely manage to wake up and work. 

Today i made some upgrades to my mushroom tent. I set up a device to control the humidifier automatically. Tonight is the 1st time i am letting it run and i am afraid it will burn.

I worked a lot on that stupid project for uni. I am so happy even if i wasted time working on it. I finished almost half of it. I messaged the professor with the parts i am confused. I will ask another colleague about some other stuff as well. 

 

On 4/21/2023 at 0:10 AM, Everyday said:

She replayed after all and we chatted a little. Waiting to see if she is free this Saturday to hang out. 

She said she doesnt know her schedule for this weekend. I didnt push her. Maybe she doesnt want to go out. Understandable. Otherwise, i will ask her again next week. 

I didnt message the other girl as much. 

 

A friend asked me if i wanna get high and i refused. I am so glad i worked on this project instead hehe. I didnt feel like doing it anyways. It was at that guy guy's place. My friend was going there again. 

Edited April 22, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hei

I got some clothes for the wedding tomorrow. But i just realized the jacket is too baggy. Fuck it.  Wasted hours searching for smth good enough. I m throwing almost all salary for this wedding haha.

I am getting super stressed with uni projects and that stupid ventilator for shrooms. I snapped at siblings. 

The professor said she can speak with me next week on Tuesday/Wed. I wanted asap. 

My father connected a cable to my mushroom setting and all wires almost fell in water. OMG.

[Everyday]

Updates: 

I went to my sister's boyfriend to try his suits. His father gave me an expensive suit which looks awesome but it is a little bigger for me. But it looks much much better than the shit i bought. I never had a suit.

Forgot to say i got some really cool dress shoes. 

20 hours ago, Everyday said:

She said she doesnt know her schedule for this weekend. I didnt push her. Maybe she doesnt want to go out. Understandable. Otherwise, i will ask her again next week. 

She was at work today when i messaged her. She had a 12h shift. I should have known this since she didnt tell me if she is free today.

I offered to bring her some food since i was nearby after buying clothes. She ignored my message and i didnt insist. I cant read her. It seems she keeps me at distance and doesnt really give a fuck. She is the hottest girl i dated so far. 

 

The other girl asked if we can meet next week. I said yeah sure. I will keep her around until i have more time to date. But i do feel bad for doing this, same i felt with my last GF. I feel guilt knowing she;s not right for me. Let's see what happens. 

Looking back i should have kept around the girl from January as well. I was just expecting sex much much faster. I need to be more patient. 

 

 

I forgot to say last month i met with 2 friends for a movie. I was very excited about the amount of girls i dated and the girl i banged. He told me he didnt date anyone or anything since last month. Wow. But i did make some progress since we met last time. I am happy for myself for dating so much overall. Learned a lot. I cant to finish uni to start all over agian.

Edited April 22, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hello

 

I went to the wedding of a girl from high school. It was my first one and it was pretty cool. I didnt get too drunk and i am really proud of that. 

 

I messaged that 19 year old girl again. She was fresh after working 12 h on Saturday and than going to the club the very next day. I asked when she's free - she said only Wednesday and Friday. So how about Friday? She remembered she is leaving the next day and will be tired. Ok, Wednesday than? Oh, she goes so shopping that day? Lol, why did you say you are free than??? It beats me haha. I asked her to let me know when she's back from her trip next week. I am quite sure she wont and it is ok. I am tired of chasing her. If she wants to see me she will do smth about it. 

I felt really frustrated by how serious i am taking the whole situation. Just focus on your shit please. I have a test this Friday and some more shit to finish for uni. Fore some reason this whole thing made me think of my exes, and compromising so much just to have a relationship. Now i am left with spite and frustration. That few more times fucking dont matter now at all.

And that other girls is coming from another town to meet with me. As my friend said, if a girl wants to see you she will make an effort. 

 

 

I am still stressed with the work i have to do at uni. I am meeting one of the professors tomorrow for that stupid project.

[Everyday]

On 4/25/2023 at 0:33 AM, Everyday said:

I am still stressed with the work i have to do at uni. I am meeting one of the professors tomorrow for that stupid project.

So i asked her what to do since the species she gave me arent going together. She just gave me another ones and i had to start all over again. Of. I told my friends i cant go out because next week we have to present it. I worked on this shit last night and i will work today as  well.

 

Oh, at the end of the week im celebrating 4 months of not  watching porn and tv series. Amazing. I am so proud of myself. 

Also, 4 months of meditation and continued to work out at least once a month. Great!

 

What else?

Edited April 26, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 4/26/2023 at 11:12 AM, Everyday said:

So i asked her what to do since the species she gave me arent going together. She just gave me another ones and i had to start all over again. Of. I told my friends i cant go out because next week we have to present it. I worked on this shit last night and i will work today as  well.

I did lots of progress on that stupid project. I went to sleep really late. Slept through a few alarms and arrived to uni late.

Met with my coordinator for the last year project with mushrooms. I was so stressed. Showed her pics and the 24 pages of theory i wrote and she was pleased. I told her things are going fine. Good. I was so fucking stressed. I told her i will keep writing after these stupid projects for the end of the semester. 

I have to present both next week. Right around the time i was supposed to be 4 days in the mountains with my friends. Glad i wont go. I am so close to finish uni man. Hehe. 

 

I was very stressed today for being late at uni. I asked my family to take care of the packages coming today and they made fun of me for being stressed. I was at the lab and my sister said im not going out to take them because this and that. I was so fucking angry.

Yesterday my friends met again and they couldnt understand why i am stressed with uni work. One of them was like but at my uni we have exams next month? Why is this way at your uni? Idk, just leave me to do my shit man.

 

I have a date this Sat and meeting with friends this Sun. I think i will not go. I have to finish these projects. I was supposed to go out again on Monday with sister and her BF. She got upset i cancelled. She doesn't understand why am i stressed. NO one in my family understands. It makes me feel very stressed. 

[Everyday]

22 hours ago, Everyday said:

I have a date this Sat and meeting with friends this Sun. I think i will not go. I have to finish these projects. I was supposed to go out again on Monday with sister and her BF. She got upset i cancelled. She doesn't understand why am i stressed. NO one in my family understands. It makes me feel very stressed. 

I cancelled on both.

 

The test today was ok. Everyone cheated. No body cared. The professor got in an argument with a student. 

 

I got a digital socket for the mushroom tent. Now i dont have to worry about turning on/off the light myself. The ventilator should be ready in one week.

 

I should finish those projects bu i dont feel like starting =))

 

[Everyday]

What's up?

I am glad i didnt go on a date this weekend nor i went out to drink. I finished those projects. Also glad i didnt go this week in vacation with friends. I presented both projects today and besides some mistakes it was all good. It didnt feel so difficult to finish them after all.  But it was so stressful for me.  I dont know what to do about it. I am so stressed of work and university but i dont have real reasons to be. It is all in my head. 

I was stressed about this projects for moooonths. I feel relieved it is done. I hate lots of sweets last few days .

I was busy with these projects for around a month. Now that they are done i am afraid i will go back watching tv series and other crap. Being bored is a big thing for me. It is why i wasted so much time man. I have my 1st exam next week. I will have a bunch of shit exams so i will be busy with this for now. Next month i will finish my project for university.  After that i need to jump into smth productive instead of tv series. I am afraid to derail like i have done in the past. 

 

I watched some porn a few day ago. I didnt fap directly with the video in my face but still. I dont have to worry tho. It isnt a reason to give up.

I am using again too much insta and i watch videos on yt on soft white underbelly and history. I am wasting time even if it is interesting. I also wasted time on tinder, just looking around. 

 

I had some urges to watch tv series. I am stressed with these shit exams next weeks haha. 

 

I have used being a student here as an excuse for not having time for x and y for the last 4 years. Now i will have no excuse. It scares me for the first time ever. 

 

I am still speaking with that girl from another city every day. The other girl, is just replaying to what i say but we dont have a conversation. I asked her to let me know when she gets back in the city from her trip. I am quite sure she wont bother to contact me again. I wont bother her either because i feel she's not interested. This is what her behavior tells me.

 

Florist - "Thank You Light" (Official Audio)

 

I was thinking a little about my future. I am afraid i am stuck and i dont know it. I imagine i would date more and better if i had my own place. I am afraid i will be like my colleagues form work. I will work all day and do nothing else. I would be tired all the time. 

My solution to this is to sell products from china online and make money off that like that 17 year old dude i know. 

I was thinking that it would be cool to move in Thailand and date there for a few months. 

I know that i will keep dating after these busy months. I am excited right now but also want to learn some game because i struggle with keeping a conversation going. 

Edited May 2, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hei

I realized i have a difficult test next week. I also have an exam next week. I think it is in the same day. I started studying for this test but i feel very resistant. Last semester i failed 4 times the test at this professor. Retard =))))) Some of my colleagues still didnt pass

On 5/3/2023 at 0:29 AM, Everyday said:

I was thinking a little about my future. I am afraid i am stuck and i dont know it. I imagine i would date more and better if i had my own place. I am afraid i will be like my colleagues form work. I will work all day and do nothing else. I would be tired all the time. 

I am trying to keep this at bay for now. I need to finish this degree first.

I am also complacent about my dating life. This isnt smth to think about now. Focus on uni pls

[Everyday]

Hei

I came across on some interesting idea - that you may feel instant connection with a date just because of trauma. She is familiar with your exes. I noticed this. Both my exes are similar in a way. I felt both times i had to fix and help them and so on. Interesting. 

I am worrying about the test on Monday. I am trying to understand each problem. It is boring. I watched some politics, geography and interviews online before studying. I felt the need to avoid starting. But i am still so proud i stopped watching tv series. Such a huge waste of my time. Maybe i cant yet understand the benefits. 

 

I am worried of my future even more than i was yesterday. I used the last 4 years to not think about life after college too much. But now i feel so worried. I want to do so much and i worry i am not good enough. I am still worried i will get fired. I am worried i wont find another job because i didnt work much last 2 years. I would still get a junior position. But i wont start from zero man. I am so worried to even ask for a raise. I think i dont deserve it. 

 

The guy who is helping me with the mushrooms asked me if i want to show them at the uni fair tomorrow. I felt so ashamed and not good enough to present them. I dont know more about them. I am not good enough to do it. Wow, i need to work on this a lot. 

 

I have a date with the girl from the other city tomorrow. I should study, not go on dates. I am still speaking to her out of scarcity. I mean we dont have a place to bang, what is the point in talking to her for so long. It feels bad for both of us. I dont see her long term partner because she isnt motivated enough. She is just watching tv series each day after work. Just like i did few months ago. I did learn that the girl from January was more likely to bang than this one. But i was impatient. 

I told the other girl to let me know when she gets back from her trip so we can go on another date again. She didnt message me. I did expect this. I need to start looking at the effort these ppl are putting in. It is so clear she didnt put much effort since the beginning. I kept thinking she might change but it was clear from the beginning. I feel this is so basic but i didnt know when a girl isnt interested. I have to learn so much. I need to keep dating, but i have to focus on girls i do like. 

I feel my profile isnt good enough or i am not good enough. I should drive for example

 

 

Also, i see dating as another escape like YT and so on. I need to find some balance. I know i will. Thinks will be better. Do the work pls.

Overall i am doing great. I do feel better not watching tv series anymore. I do feel better not watching porn either. I do feel amazing that i kept working out and mediated. But it can get better. 

Edited May 5, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hei

On 5/5/2023 at 10:13 PM, Everyday said:

I have a date with the girl from the other city tomorrow. I should study, not go on dates. I am still speaking to her out of scarcity. I mean we dont have a place to bang, what is the point in talking to her for so long. It feels bad for both of us. I dont see her long term partner because she isnt motivated enough. I dont like that she doesnt take care of herself. I also dont like of her being so tired all the time and just watching tv series after work each day. 

I volunteered the whole weekend at my university fair.

I told her i will be late one day prior and i was late 25 minutes. She was upset because she came from one hour distance to see me and i am late. She didnt let me kiss her a lot. She was even colder than last time. Even said last time wasnt colder because she was tired. She asked me where do i imagine i will do my wedding - i never thought about this lol. It is a second date and we speak about marriage already??

Also, she said she isnt really into kissing and tenderness and all this stuff. I really am into this. I really need this in a relationship. 

She underlined a few times her effort to come to the city to see me. She said next time we should go on a hike even if i told her i have exams. She was really upset i was late and i kept apologizing. I didnt eat anything for the whole day and i was anxious to tell her i am really hungry. To be honest i find it annoying that she was so upset for smth so small. Apparently she expected from me to get the hind she wanted to meet another day. I thought seeing each other for even one hour its better than nothing. This is what i did in past relationships. It worked. 

 

I spoke with her some more and finally today I told her i dont want to see her anymore. I told her i really dont like that we live in different cities. I felt ashamed to tell her i of my needs to be tender and so on. But i am proud i didnt ghost her. It is a really big step. Next time i will let her go much sooner. And i shouldnt feel bad about not wanting someone in my life. It is my right.

 

 

On 5/5/2023 at 10:13 PM, Everyday said:

I told the other girl to let me know when she gets back from her trip so we can go on another date again. She didnt message me. I did expect this. I need to start looking at the effort these ppl are putting in. It is so clear she didnt put much effort since the beginning. I kept thinking she might change but it was clear from the beginning. I feel this is so basic but i didnt know when a girl isnt interested.

She arrived a few days ago. Just posted a story from an event with her friends in the city. If she wanted to contact me she would have done that.

 

I met with one of the guys from high school i see once a month. He is the only one i really have what to learn from. He boosted my self esteem to tell the girl above i dont want to see her anymore. He said there is no shame in just not wanting to see someone anymore. 

 

I cheated on the test today, the one i was so worried for months. But i didnt cheat very well because i didnt find the proper info in his documents - i didnt study much.

 

The volunteering was OK. Fun at times and met lots of ppl. Two girls liked me and i could see it in their behavior. Interesting. Maybe i should have done more volunteering .

 

 

Im late on work. I am working now even if it is 22