Detached Yet Engaged

[StrivetoThrive]

Thanks in advance for your response. 

I was just watching your "How to Actually Practice Mindfulness.." video and what caught my attention was this idea of detachment. I've always understood the idea of observing ourselves and watching our actions and letting our emotions play out etc, but what caught my attention was the word detachment and how that could lead to becoming less reactive and more mindful.  The reason I struggle with this idea, is because I have detached myself a ton in life to survive trauma and recently I have been working with a sex therapist to become more in touch with my sexuality.  I have been raped a few times and thus during sex I tend to detach and become an observer in order to do exactly what you are proposing (I think) to become less reactive and just let it happen, right. But recently my therapist has said to start to become more present in the situation. That moment where I feel myself becoming detached - I should stop having sex (my partner knows about this in advance) and come back into my body and continue once I am present again.  

OK - so this is my question how does one becoming more mindful by being in the moment and yet detaching as well? What am I missing here? Perhaps you all are speaking of two different forms of detachment? I have no problem detaching and observing in life, but it seems to be a bad idea in the bedroom?  Or is it that in the bedroom I am unconsciously detaching and that is the problem?  It is more based on stimulus as you mentioned?  I know this has some complicated layers, but it is so much easier for me to move on with logic based reasoning as to what I am doing wrong or misunderstanding. 

As a side note, that might help other men or women who have been sexually assaulted. I am truly working on finding my sexuality again, trying to reawaken that part of me that became buried. I don't feel like I even have a sex drive or have the ability to be horny. So I am trying to be truly mindful in this area and really present during sex. But when you feel dead, numb, no emotion towards something, how to you gain it back? I'm mindful that I am experiencing emptiness, now what?  What is the difference between being detached in a mindful way versus a detrimental way?

Let me know if you need more information to even respond.  

Thanks a million!

-A

[YaNanNallari]

You don't have to "disidentify" or distance yourself from things from my experience. Just don't think about things through your identity. For example don't try to make yourself feel happy. Just have happiness be there. You don't have to think "I'm gonna work now". Just see that work is being done. Simple is better but still reveals the complex beauty. This is how I do it right now, haven't read too many book list meditation things yet though

[Prabhaker]

32 minutes ago, StrivetoThrive said:

I am truly working on finding my sexuality again, trying to reawaken that part of me that became buried. I don't feel like I even have a sex drive or have the ability to be horny.

 Sex is a simple phenomenon like hunger or thirst; there is nothing more to it. When sex becomes cerebral, when sex enters into your head, it becomes sexuality. Sex is a natural phenomenon; sexuality is unnatural, abnormal and pathological. 

[phoenix666]

20 hours ago, Prabhaker said:

 Sex is a simple phenomenon like hunger or thirst; there is nothing more to it. When sex becomes cerebral, when sex enters into your head, it becomes sexuality. Sex is a natural phenomenon; sexuality is unnatural, abnormal and pathological. 

why is sexuality unnatural, abnormal and pathological?  what does that even mean? could you explain further? just curious, that stuck with me..

[Prabhaker]

@phoenix666

Sex is not the function of the head, but when sex enters in through the head it becomes sexuality. Then you think about sex, then you fantasize about sex. And the more you think, the more you fantasize about it, the more you will get into trouble because then nothing real will ever satisfy you because there is no limitation on fantasy, and reality is limited.

When you are hungry you eat food, it is natural ,but you don't fantasize about food unless you are forced to fast, this is unnatural state.

[phoenix666]

@Prabhaker ok I see, thanks for your explanation. then I'm definitively in trouble, because I fantasize a lot about romance, sex, love and relationships..

[Prabhaker]

47 minutes ago, phoenix666 said:

I fantasize a lot about romance, sex, love and relationships

Have a few love affairs, you will feel spent, finished. Then you cannot fantasize.

[phoenix666]

@Prabhaker I had a few, I had a few. didn't fulfill me either, so I don't know why that phantasy is still haunting me. I think it's my deep rooted beliefs about love and romanticism. all those thing I've read in books and seen on TV..

[Nahm]

@StrivetoThrive

Detachment is becoming more aware of the ego at play (self serving). We have a tendency to form our identity, or “what I am”, with things, purchases, houses, accomplishments, other people, etc - and we don’t even notice. The problem is that if we ‘build our selves up’ this way and pile on to this identity, we at best have a false short term shallow sense of happiness, and when we lose those things, when the tides change; our beauty, our money, our predicaments change, then that happiness is revealed as false, and we crash.  Not to mention there is a feeling of pending doom well before those things that change, change. 

But if we learn to detach from material things, and other people, if we look deeper into this ego, we see what it’s up to. It’s basically repeating “me, me, me!!!’ We see we can be happy, just to be happy. We don’t really need so much. Paradoxically, we enjoy everything so much more when we don’t feel we need it. 

With the sex, detach from needing your partner - and from needing your partner to be any certain way for you, or to do anything for you. Be communicative with what you want and how you’d like things, but become aware of projecting onto your partner with your needs. Meditate every morning and discover your safe and happy place inside. It will grow over time too. Whatever you see & hear going on in the world - don’t identify with it, it is not you. Don’t attach your emotions to it’s outcomes. Explore sex, have fun. Enjoy you life, that is it’s only purpose. Btw, I think you have begun just that. 1 in a million people are willing to be vulnerable like you are to move forward. Hat’s off to you. 

[dorg]

@StrivetoThrive Detachment does not mean dissociation, you are still associated with all that is going on in your life; you shut nothing out, all is experienced/allowed/accepted, even loved. You know that all that happens is just a play of form, meaning essentially nothing (we put our own meaning on everything).  Hence there is essentially no judgement, no good/bad, no right/wrong - you are living at and as the intersection of the opposites; a good practice is to stay there ; this is what I understand your therapist means by presence.