I Want To Be Ok By Myself But

[dystopia]

I've been single for a year and a half. I chose to focus on my self actualization and growth. I wasn't even thinking about being in a relationship any time soon but then someone I used to talk to (that I met online) messaged me a few days ago. We seemed to have a lot in common and it made me excited. Well, we met this afternoon and it turned out he was all talk. He was comfortable sharing stuff online but he clamped up in real life, which made me reluctant to open up. He ended up saying he wasn't feeling it and disregarded the past few days based on a 2 hour interaction. I even tried to explain that it takes some time for me to open up and get comfortable with someone but he didn't care. He said I was attractive but it wasn't about looks, he didn't feel anything, which is fine, but I feel like I gave the wrong impression. He didn't get the full scope of my personality from a brief meet up in which I was in a somewhat crap mood anyways so how can he be so quick to judge?

I don't really care to be with someone who is so close-minded but it did make me wonder: why was I so awkward? I think I have this almost defensive mentality of "I don't have to impress anybody" so I don't even care about making an effort to be friendly & open. 

I want to be ok by myself & want to think I am enough but at the same time, I have cut most people off from my life (because they were hindering my growth) & I'm feeling lonely. I realized I wasn't wanting a relationship because I don't think I'm good enough for one yet, not because I am happy by myself. After these past few days talking to this guy, texting constantly, it's left me feeling a huge lack (after he rejected me).

I'm really torn. I want to be happy by myself but I want to make connections. I have such high standards for others, though. I feel like since I have such high standards and want someone quality, I need to make myself someone who would fit a similar person's standards first. At the same time I don't want to impress anybody. I know this is some egotistical bullshit but I had really low self esteem and I thought I had inproved so much until today. What am I doing?

I feel like I have some pretty good advice to give people but when it comes to myself I just keep getting stuck. Should I try to be ok by myself, regardless?

[kalter000]

Why are you so invested in that one guy? I understand, that you have been single for 1,5 year but still. You gave him all the power over your emotions and self-worth and you don't even know him, some online nonsense. If that guy was open and okay with himself you wouldn't be so reluctant.

You call him close-minded and say "I don't care", but wanted him to have certain impression of you- why, isn't it contradictory? =) looks like you're needy and seeking validation from that guy.

"I don't have to impress anybody" looks like the game you're playing in your mind instead of being authentic.

12 hours ago, shouldnt said:

I want to be happy by myself but I want to make connections.

There is no contradiction here. Connections aren't bad, but because you have low self-esteem you want to use it as a source to fill the gap of self love in yourself. This is why you are so mad at that guy, he didn't fulfill this need. But you only attract what you are...

So first of all, fix your self-esteem, practice self-acceptance and love, be mindful of negative thoughts. And throw away your standarts for a sec, stop trying to fit  into others expectations, that's neurotic. And you won't be attracted to "that guy with standarts" anyway. 

[Cabot]

Quote

You gave him all the power over your emotions and self-worth and you don't even know him...

@kalter000 Well said, probably the most crucial aspect.

[dystopia]

@kalter000 I thought I knew him from talking for a few days. People aren't that hard to figure out to me. I knew he was an Aries and an ISFJ, what more do I need? It sounded like we had a lot in common and somewhat made up for each other's weaknesses at the same time. But he pulled the brakes at the last minute.

I'm an INTP and a Virgo so neurotic is a way of life. I'm always analyzing everything. I've always been concerned with making a good impression on others. However, I've always been so introverted and peculiar. It didn't help that I had a super critical mother who offered no emotional support and is still patronizing me to this day. When I was little, I would cry because I thought no one liked me and to this day I have a hard time finding someone who understands me. I've gotten into studying psychology and personalities to try to understand why. 

I'm really bad with my emotions because my primary mode is thinking but I thought I had gotten better. I thought I loved myself more. I'm really trying but I'm afraid to lower my standards. The only way I can think of to raise my self esteem is to get in better shape, grow my hair out, and get better at pursuing my passions/dream career. I was working on that anyways and this guy came along before I was ready, for sure. It was just a nice feeling to have someone there again & look forward to all the things we talked about. He just turned out to give me false hope. Another liar/coward. 

Yeah I tell myself I don't have to impress anyone because I don't know what else to do. Fake it 'til you make it, right?

Edited March 7, 2016 by shouldnt

[kalter000]

@shouldnt I understand your condition and can relate to it. But nothing is set in stone. Be careful with labeling yourself : "INTP" ,"Virgo", "introverted"- you are too busy defining yourself and this definitely prevents your growth. It's nice theory and all, but you can't define person by four letters or his horoscope sign.

2 hours ago, shouldnt said:

The only way I can think of to raise my self esteem is to get in better shape, grow my hair out, and get better at pursuing my passions/dream career.

Have you seen Leo's  video "real growth vs fake growth"? Recommend you to check it out. Basically your way to fix self-esteem is wrong and he explains why.

2 hours ago, shouldnt said:

It was just a nice feeling to have someone there again & look forward to all the things we talked about. He just turned out to give me false hope. Another liar/coward. 

You were talking to guy through the internet! Your suffering is made by you, you had high expectation, invested inormous amount of emotional energy, created all these fantasies about him, and you don't even know him. He might not be prince charming, but if you want to grow, then start taking responsibility and stop blaming other people. 

Transcend your past, work on being less neurotic, less thinking -Leo has video "40 signs that you are neurotic" - must watch. Put aside your standarts, you don't even know yourself first, there is no use to clinging to your "shoulds", that's another neurotic pattern.

Start fixing your self-image, practise mindfulness, meditation will help a lot - you would slowly stop identifying with your neurotic thoughts and start having "pure" outlook on your life and experiences.  

You are on a verge of discovering the real you, it's hard but fascinating work. But first - you have to let go of the current self-image.