How would you have reacted?

[F A B]

Last Saturday night I was having a good time with some close friends when a homeless man came into the bar asking for alms. While I was shaking my head like "no, I'm sorry", Tommaso (my best friend) gave him a bunch of coins.

Then Tommaso, in front of everybody, told me "you live in a wealthy family, you could have given something to him"

I was blown away. I mean, I'm not a spoiled selfish guy, but at that moment I felt like I was.

Yes, maybe I'm cheap, but I'm cheap also with myself. For example, I could have iPhones and stuff, but I just settle for an old Wiko. I could ask my parents for designer clothes etcetera, but I don't do that because simply I don't need that.

I know these things don't justify my behavior, in fact, I didn't know how to reply to Tommaso. I just shrugged and tried to suppress my thoughts.

How would you have reacted?

[aurum]

@F A B

He shamed you for having money. Do you get the impression he resents rich people?

[RichardY]

7 minutes ago, aurum said:

@F A B

He shamed you for having money. Do you get the impression he resents rich people?

Yeah bloody homeless man. How dare he! Probably resents rich people as well.

[Ether]

Just ignore and continue.

[F A B]

@aurum

Yes, he does a little.

Tommaso is a kind altruistic person. He speaks his mind, but sometimes he came up with this kind of stuff.

But, honestly, this time I felt really hurt

Edited April 15, 2018 by F A B

[aurum]

31 minutes ago, F A B said:

But, honestly, this time I felt really hurt

Yeah he shamed you. It was subtle but usually that's how shame operates.

34 minutes ago, F A B said:

Yes, he does a little.

Sounds like it was his own inner issues projecting onto you. You shrunk back and didn't respond because of the shame.

How do you think he would have responded if you expressed yourself honestly?

[aurum]

48 minutes ago, RichardY said:

Yeah bloody homeless man. How dare he! Probably resents rich people as well.

It's not about the homeless man.

[Paulus Amadeus]

@F A B well there is clearly some insecurity in you about being selfish and not a good person. Otherwise you wouldn't have had that strong of a reaction. Now you know this go do something about it. Can be good to examine your own selfishness honestly. Just don't bring any self-hate or any of that stuff into it. Then if someone challenges you on your selfishness there is nothing they can say to upset you. Because you have already examined yourself thoroughly on this point and you know what's up.

[RichardY]

@aurum Oh, ok then.

[TimStr]

@F A B Let's get some awareness in the situation you experienced.

The thing, that is probaply hurtung you the most is, that you know, that your friend is totally right.
You could have given a few bucks to that bum. That's a fact. And you didn't. That's also a fact.
Accept that!

That's by the way, how I would like myself to react in your situation. Just admitting the facts and experience how my emotions and thoughts react. If your friend says: "you live in a wealthy family, you could have given something to him", say "Yes, you're right. I could have. But I didn't."

My point is not to rub salt into the wound, but to point out the deeper issue:

What that your friend pointed out, is that you are deeply egotistical. I know, because I am deeply egotistical, too.
Deep down inside, I think that I deserve my money more than any random homeless bum. And I secretly hate homeless people for revealing this part of my egotism to me.

Have you ever noticed, that when a homeless person approaches strangers and asks for money, almost nobody is able to look into that homeless' persons eyes. That's because it hurts the ego to be exposed. Poor people must feel so lonely... If you actually looked in those persons eyes for a few seconds and allow yourself to see and feel his suffering, you couldn't help to be compassionate.

Just test this out yourself, the next time you are approached for money just look that person straight in the eyes and observe his and your own reaction. Then say yes or no and observe again.

By the way, your friend, that pointed out your egotism is in no way soperior to you. His ego just needs that reassurance that it get's by pointing you out. If you want you can share to him openly, how his behaviour made you feel and see, how he reacts. This may break down some of the boundaries that the situation created between you two.

Edited April 15, 2018 by TimStr

[Paulus Amadeus]

@TimStr Very very good reply. I totally agree

[Ether]

57 minutes ago, TimStr said:

 

What that your friend pointed out, is that you are deeply egotistical. I know, because I am deeply egotistical, too.

Are you tho?

[TimStr]

32 minutes ago, Ether said:

Are you tho?

I don't know how egotistical I am compared relative to other people. Probably less than the average person, probably not. I leave that for others to judge.

What I wanted to say is, that its important to recognize and accept your own egotism instead of denying it. Accepance of what is denied is key to changing it.

[Ether]

@TimStr Accept that you feel that way but that doesnt mean you actually are it

[F A B]

2 hours ago, aurum said:

How do you think he would have responded if you expressed yourself honestly?

Probably he would have apologized. We are good friends and I'm sure he meant no offense.

He wants me to be more generous.

[F A B]

@Paulus Amadeus @TimStr

You both are right.

I don't like spending money for myself and for others.

I don't like go asking for money to my parents. 

[Soulbass]

@F A B I think you're friend was interested in power, and he got it twice : by giving money to the homeless man, and by valorizing his action asking you to do the same - even tho he's authentic.

Edited April 16, 2018 by Soulbass

[aurum]

12 hours ago, F A B said:

Probably he would have apologized. We are good friends and I'm sure he meant no offense.

He wants me to be more generous.

Are you justifying that people should shame you?

[DMM710]

I mean you obviously didn’t think giving him money in the moment was the thing to do, but he did. How do you determine who’s right? Nothing is actually right or wrong, perspectives are all relative.

[kieranperez]

He's projecting his insecurities and judgments onto you. It's your money. Not his.