How do I handle conflicts with people?

[littleBIG]

I keep having conflicts with people, especially on the internet. I know I should just avoid it because I have better things to do, but I can't help it. For example, today I mentioned cannabis in a chatroom and some people had a strong negative reaction to it. They sent me condescending remarks, saying cannabis is illegal and portraying me as some kind of criminal under the disguise of "looking out for me". I felt almost as if I'm legitimately under attack, I didn't ask for the condescendence or needed anyone to "look out for me" as if I'm a child. My reaction was so strong that it was physical, my face was hot and I was almost shaking. How am I supposed to let it go? I responded with condescending remarks and from there it turned into personal attacks from both sides. Obviously it was a huge waste of time for me and it ruined my mood. But what am I supposed to do at such a moment? What would you do? 

[Spinoza]

There is no reason to react this way, i'm not blaming you saying that

Everybody has his own view of the world "Most of people are not open minded and it's not theirs fault", so you need to expect all reactions.

In reality, it's you who choose to feel like that (it depend on your beliefs), in this World, we don't agree on everything, if you look deeply will be amazed

Sometimes even when you do "good" it can seems evil for some people

You need to be comprehensive, you may also hurt other and you don't know it if they say or do something which is not aligned with your value 

If you really want to not get sensitive about that , don't take anything personal(U need to be understand why), and be comprehensive (think deep about it, you will see that no one has Free will) Once you get that, you will laugh when you get into that kind of situations.

I hope this helps you

[littleBIG]

@Spinoza Thanks. I think I sort of get it.

I shouldn't have taken it personal, because there is no free will. Mentioning weed -> some people reacts negatively and therefore said such remarks to me, it's like a mechanic. It's just how those people are and it had nothing to do with me.

Upon reflecting, I think my view of the world is "people always want to be better than others. Some people are condescending to others and put them down so they can feel superior themselves." That started this whole conflict, really. I'm not sure what to do about this view, as it is sorta true

Edited April 14, 2018 by littleBIG

[Monkey-man]

conflicts are great thing for spiritual growth, for ego dissolution, if you react to them appropriately - surrendering:

Quote

You have heard that it was said, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.

 

[Charlotte]

If you understand why (deeply) they react to you in the way they do you'll rise above it. 

1 hour ago, littleBIG said:

, I think my view of the world is "people always want to be better than others. Some people are condescending to others and put them down so they can feel superior themselves

Turn this back in on yourself, why did you react? Did something hit a nerve your unaware of? 

[littleBIG]

42 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

If you understand why (deeply) they react to you in the way they do you'll rise above it. 

@Charlotte I started to see things more objectively. My understanding is that they are people who believe drugs are evil and pride themselves in not taking any drugs. By putting down people who do drugs, they feel better about themselves and that's why they reacted the way they do when cannabis was brought up.

46 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

Turn this back in on yourself, why did you react? Did something hit a nerve your unaware of? 

Now that I think about it, it's really that I don't want someone to be above/superior to me. They said they're "looking out for me", which made me think they're treating me like a child and that they think they're above me. I didn't want to allow that so I tried to fight it. The way I fought it was, since I was being put down, I'll put them down too so they wont be above me. So I mocked them for thinking cannabis is evil. It was really a fight to see who puts the other down further so they can stay above. So my issue is I don't want people to feel like they're better than me. I'll really have to work on that. 

I thought more about it, I'm not really sure why I don't want to allow people to feel superior to me. I'll have to investigate further.

[littleBIG]

@Monkey-man It is so true! I just discover so much about myself today.

[Charlotte]

@littleBIG Awesome progress!! 

12 minutes ago, littleBIG said:

13 minutes ago, littleBIG said:

My understanding is that they are people who believe drugs are evil and pride themselves in not taking any drugs. By putting down people who do drugs, they feel better about themselves and that's why they reacted the way they do when cannabis was brought up.

 

People with certain beliefs will do absolutely anything to try and make you believe the same... Even if that means manipulation, guilt tripping, they will try and hit you where it hurts most so you start to doubt yourself. They are locked in a close minded mindset and if you aren't 'one of them' then you are an outcast, of course they are going to try and put you down, you don't have the same beliefs as them! Therefore rebelling against them. 

19 minutes ago, littleBIG said:

Now that I think about it, it's really that I don't want someone to be above/superior to me.

 

19 minutes ago, littleBIG said:

I thought more about it, I'm not really sure why I don't want to allow people to feel superior to me. I'll have to investigate further.

You have no control over the way people feel in contrast to you. 

If you feel somebody feels superior to you, again turn that back on yourself... Why do you assume people feel superior to you? Is it because you actually feel inferior to others??

[littleBIG]

17 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

Why do you assume people feel superior to you? Is it because you actually feel inferior to others??

For example, if someone calls me stupid, that means they feel they are smarter than me. If someone calls me a criminal, that means they think they're more lawful than me. If someone tells me how something should be done, that means they think their way of doing it is better than mine. 

I don't actually feel inferior because I know I'm not. But why do I care so much when people feel they're better than me? I'm not sure. I'll have to dig deeper.

[Spinoza]

3 hours ago, littleBIG said:

Upon reflecting, I think my view of the world is "people always want to be better than others. Some people are condescending to others and put them down so they can feel superior themselves." That started this whole conflict, really. I'm not sure what to do about this view, as it is sorta true

I agree, if someone want to hurt you or make you feel inferior, because they feel weak. Most of people are weak, insecure, and feel bored about theirs life, so expect that kind of reaction.

Be comprehensive, we cannot control the what is outside, you can only control your inside by knowing that everybody is expressing what they feel, if someone feel good about himself he will never try to harm other by physical or verbal (invisible) violence.

If you still feel anger, i suggest you to think again about it and see the illusion in those kind of situation, You will understand that you have to be compassionate, as you said it's mechanic, if you are in the jungle and a wild animale attack you, will you take it personally ? he is hardwired to do that to protect himself, i believe it's exactly how human behave.

[Markus]

@littleBIG The type of conflict you described seems very pointless and wasteful. If people don't respect you, don't deal with them. Leave the chatroom. Some conflicts in life may be unavoidable or necessary but this one sounds far from it. It's your responsibility to do what you can do - you can think of ways of action that could have avoided this.

As to why you got upset, it's because of your ego structure. You can try to vividly recall the situation, see what thoughts & emotions come up, and contemplate this until you get some clarity. And by contemplating I mean feeling into it, and seeing what's behind this reaction of yours, rather than thinking about it. Hope this helps.

[Extreme Z7]

@littleBIG  Ha! Been there before. I know how it feels.

It will pass but it will take a lot of inner work and contemplation about what happened.

Bottomline is, you have to accept that people tend to underestimate how closed-minded they actually are. If they're wrong, it's up to them to realize their ignorance on their own. Don't waste your time trying to force them to see truth.

Some practical guidelines:

• If it's on the internet. Try not to talk to them again, ever.
• Debating and Arguing is addictive, and also a waste of time
• Be more understanding as to why people cling to their beliefs
• Self-Reflect. Especially in regards to your knee-jerk emotional reactions

[Nahm]

@littleBIG Feels bad cause you’re focused on what other people think, which on all levels, is falsity. Instead, focus on how you feel, what you think, and study the relationship between the two. Ask yourself, why do I struggle to love them, when they say such things? What thinking do I hold about myself which can be triggered so easily? Why do I hold such thinking when I could simply love myself, and love them? What prevents me? 

It’s impossible to believe, but the emotions are a truth compass. Look for a steady increase of awareness on your emotions. They are telling you what is false and what is not. Enlightenment is the most selfish scenario possible. Selfish just doesn’t mean what you think it means. Like the conscious choice of healthy eating over pizza, make a conscious choice of where to point your awareness. If you’re going to embody the truth, you’ll have to “forgive them”, it is true “they know not what they do”. 

The increased consciousness, is of self. The forgiveness, is for the self. Little bit of a paradoxical mind F, but the love too, is for the self.