trip report: AL-LAD showed me the face of God

[phoenix666]

I don’t know why, but this time I had more doubt whether to trip or not. it was all planned and everything, so all those doubts and worries made me quite confused. maybe I grew more respect for this substance after the last ego death experience on it. I was very uncertain, the whole day before and also when I got up that morning. 

I noticed it’s actually something I’m struggling with quite often. it takes a lot of mental energy -mental masturbation essentially- to take decisions. (also simple ones like what to eat, what to wear) ..need to work on my intuition there!

I let my emotions decide: I imagined taking the stamp. I got nervous, anxoius, but also excited with a kind of ‚fuck that, I want Truth‘ attitude

I imagined not taking it. I felt slight relief. and a strong wave of disappointment, which made me face my fears.

the onset took quite long, so I was becoming rather nervous. that didn’t exactly help. In fact, it started out as a ‚bad trip‘: I was lying there, with a horrible feeling of doing something wrong. as if I had to justify myself! I can see how a moralizing, condemning society is only hurting us, keeping us caught in mental prisons. I actually felt guilty for doing something 'illegal'! 

 

fears that came up:

• to lose my mind: I was confused, I wasn’t able to justify myself (for what? lying here with an ‚illegal drug‘ intus, trying to finde myself, trying to become a better version of myself so I can serve others from a non-egoic place??). I was afraid to trigger a latent schizophrenia or other type of mental disorder, to be found by people in an absolute state of psychosis. people would just shake their heads in disapproval and think of how stupid and crazy I am
• to do things wrong, to just live life in a wrong way (what does that even mean?) I elaborated that further: have I set the wrong priorities? is this leading to suffering?
• to miss something, to die with a lot of regrets

 

right when I started regretting the trip, bathing in ‚why did I have to get on this path?‘ ‚why can’t I just be like all the others?‘ ‚why do they seem happy in their illusion and I am here, going through hell‘ (hell for me being losing my mind, my grip, my rationality, just being there not knowing anything) something happened.

I suddenly remembered to surrender. I did. to hell with this, I don’t care. devour me. and then I saw in the face of God. it was me! it has been me all along. everywhere, everyone, everything, always. I saw myself in myself in myself in myself to infinity.

I was flabbergasted. no language, no logic, no mind, could contain this. how can this be? that I gave birth to my bloody self! all I ever interacted with is myself!

this is the thing called God everyone has been talking about! it exists, it’s in fact the only thing to ever exist! and it’s me!

 

I went through a cycle of birth and rebirth. something told me ‚this to infinity‘. it didn’t scare me, I relaxed into that feeling of my body constantly being de-and reconstructed in that moment that lasted an infinity.

 

it was less mindfuck than the first time I experienced being a strange loop. maybe because somewhere, in my cells’ memory I already knew (sometimes, when I think back on trips they feel like a distant dream observed from under water). or maybe because I took a smaller dose of AL-LAD.

 

It went on in waves, where I just laid there, being, enjoyed that infinite cycle.

 

some insights I gathered:

• I’m on the right path. doubts are not a bad sign. it’s good to keep questioning
• if the ‚spiritual path‘ is my first priority, I’m good. I won’t miss anything; I’m trying to get at the very it. there is no more direct way! 
• spiritual path: meditation, kriya, mindfulness, healthy plant foods, practicing kindness and cultivating love and compassion
• everyone I interact with is just myself showing me a new opportunity for choosing love and compassion
• everything is a distraction. everything is used to run away from Truth. why? because it has to! in the moment you turn around and look at yourself, you die and you’re being born, forever. to live, to do, one must pick life, thus look away from Truth 
• what I am looking for: more being

I hope I can integrate my experiences in daily life once again. I know that an awakening on psychedelics, such a tiny glimpse of the Absolute is absolutely worthless. (then again, a huge motivation for all the work) my goal is now to ground this higher wisdom into my day to day life. I want to embody it. I want to speak and to act from that place of union.

I hope this can inspire some of you psychonauts out there! <3

[Vladimir]

I applaud you for your courage, thank for a motivational trip report

[OBEler]

What was your  spiritual preparation and your backgroud of psychedelica? What is your setting? 

Congratulations to your glimpse with this one stamp of AL-LAD. I tripped 3 times with AL-LAD and never reached such deep glimpse. hope I will get there

[Nahm]

@phoenix666 Just freakin YEAH DUDE! I had a huge feelin reading some misc post of yours just the other day, and I almost said something. I feel like I’m tripping just reading this. Great report, so happy for you! LOL! It’s YOU!❤️

[Timotheus]

8 hours ago, phoenix666 said:

I went through a cycle of birth and rebirth. something told me ‚this to infinity‘. it didn’t scare me, I relaxed into that feeling of my body constantly being de-and reconstructed in that moment that lasted an infinity.

THIS

thanks!

[phoenix666]

@Vladimir @Timotheus I'm glad you liked and got some motivation out of it, guys! <3 yes, it took quite some courage, but you know what helped me? the insight that no matter what happens, it is exactly what is supposed to be. and everything is here to help us evolve! I just thought no matter what comes up, I let myself fall into it. 

@OBEler my spiritual preparation and background is a year of half-assed self development thanks to Leo's videos (I started an inconsistent meditation practice as well). then a year ago I took shrooms and they opened my mind to spirituality. I started meditating more seriously (every day, between 30 - 90 minutes ever since), went on two silent retreats, started writing a journal here on the forum (helped me a lot to sort my thoughts and to keep track of my development). I tripped a couple of times (4-5 times on shrooms, 4-5 times on AL-LAD I think). always planned, at home, alone, and meditating beforehand. I also wrote a trip report every time afterwards, to sort my thoughts and gather better understanding on various insights. on my last AL-LAD trip in january I had an ego death experience and I got a glimpse into the strange loopiness of reality. that was hard to digest, it really fucked with my mind. I took a break from psychedelics afterwards. maybe that's why I felt so anxious and decided to take a lower dose this time. 

the setting is not the best, I admit. it contributes to the slight paranoia that always comes up when I trip. I live in a dorm (my best option is to trip at home when my parents are on holiday, but that doesn't happen that often) and it can be quite noisy sometimes. 

I also started to practice Kriya Yoga about two weeks ago with the book Leo recommended. I feel like that is really, really powerful and I think it contributed on this little awakening. 

you will, you will <3 I get this feeling that you're scratching right at its door when reading your posts <3 good things take time

 thank you so much @Nahm you're always a huge inspiration, my dear <3 hahaha doesn't surprise me at all, I sometimes feel the connection when reading stuff on this forum! next time you get that huge feeling you have to say something! surely would have been a lovely push in the right direction <3

 

[Leo Gura]

@phoenix666 Good work! That's a nice glimpse at infinity.

Now go deeper. Plumb its staggering depth until it melts your mind.

[phoenix666]

@Leo Gura thanks! I'm working on it.. 

[DnoReally]

@Nahm yes or no?

@phoenix666 How much did u drop?

Edited April 15, 2018 by DnoReally

[Nahm]

@DnoReally Yes or no, to what?

[phoenix666]

@DnoReally it was a 75microgram tab

[DnoReally]

@phoenix666 alright, thank you

@Nahm

 

[Vladimir]

I would hugely recommend a book called: The Psychedelic Experience: A Manual Based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead by Timothy Leary for anyone taking psychedelics. I've gone through a lot of mushrooms and ayahuasca trips in the past year, and so many things that he talks about in the book are SPOT ON and helps me continue working on this path.

[phoenix666]

@Vladimir thank you, looks fascinating. I've read through some reviews. I'll add it to my book list for the next order 

[Arkandeus]

what a joyous occasion!

[phoenix666]

15 minutes ago, Arkandeus said:

what a joyous occasion!

just being never felt sweeter <3