Mind in trauma, very bad mind patterns occuring from time to time

[Nadosa]

Hi,

I have been struggling with mind, identity and ego problems for some time now. At the moment I am in a critical place again. It is that the ego cant live anymore and I identify with that. Dont question why there are these patterns, I dont know. They arose first when I suffered from Depression after Depersonalization. These patterns make me believe that there is no way I can live anymore and when they are there it is really hard to push through as there is not really a healthy picture of myself in my mind anymore. 

I describe what it looks like: I get the thoughts or feeling with that intepretation above, it freezes me, I feel like a huge wave of energy runs through my body, shattering the answer to the question "Who am I?". Then I project myself in the future seeing "myself" and then the cycle goes on, and it goes deeper and deeper. It feels like I am not supposed to live because my mind doesnt want me to live.

Then sometimes, I can label this part of my mind as 'evil' and leave it with the words "i dont want to die'. But it never goes away completely.

I am 19 and it feels like...god damn, Ive lost "myself" these last months, how did I survive that? My mind argues with "I couldnt survive it", but I am somehow still alive and that is an issue in my mind and that destroys me. These patterns make me feel like I am not supposed to be alive although deep inside I do want to live, but how the fuck with this broken self-image? I CANT IMAGINE MYSELF EVEN HAVE KIDS OR WORK because I believe my mind is broken, myself, everything of my person, I am not this body, I am nothing, I am not depersonalized, but somehow brainwashed as fuck. Am I psychotic? What the hell. Pls help me.

How will I ever be able to leave this part alone? It feels like it wont go away, ever, because it is kept alive by my mind and I cant destroy my mind or stop it. I am a thinking human being. So I cant heal it as long as I am thinking.

Edited April 13, 2018 by Nadosa

[frnsh]

Hi, have you thought if these are games that your ego plays just to keep you from being free of it? Like a transition state that the ego is fighting so hard to keep you from changing?