Is awareness hurting me?

[Theprofessional]

I have been meditating for 15-20 minutes nearly every day since November 5 2017, and what I can tell you is that it has helped a great deal with my confidence issues and anxiety. My awareness has increased significantly and I feel like I now truly see the world as it is for the first time in my life... with that being said, I also fear that increased awareness is hurting me. Two months ago I began practicing the guided meditation you, Leo, made and put a link to in one of your videos, and since then, I have noticed some radical changes in my life, like improved social skills and improved attention to details. It also led to my first real "enlightenment" experience in which I met with the devil and every evil in the world that ever existed but then I realized all of it was made up by my imagination and no evil exists or has ever existed. But there is a problem: at the same time, over the last 2 months I have fallen into a mental "fog" so to speak. I have lost interest in school, I have lost interest in becoming a psychiatrist (which was my life purpose, yes I know you're supposed to figure out other ones as time goes on but I'm in a position right now where I can't really do that), I have allowed my sleep schedule to fall into a routine that is mentally destroying me, I no longer care for having girlfriends, I have been experiencing short manic episodes fueled by either fear or anger (or both), and all I seem to want to do is write and make music. Music has been a hobby of mine for a few years but now I just find my mind always focusing on how I can become a fucking rockstar instead of how I can complete tasks at hand like homework or studying for a test or doing well at my job. I don't do drugs or drink or any of that, so that's not the reason for this. It's ridiculous, I don't want this path for myself because I know it will only bring me despair but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Please help

[Matt8800]

4 hours ago, Theprofessional said:

I have been meditating for 15-20 minutes nearly every day since November 5 2017, and what I can tell you is that it has helped a great deal with my confidence issues and anxiety. My awareness has increased significantly and I feel like I now truly see the world as it is for the first time in my life... with that being said, I also fear that increased awareness is hurting me. Two months ago I began practicing the guided meditation you, Leo, made and put a link to in one of your videos, and since then, I have noticed some radical changes in my life, like improved social skills and improved attention to details. It also led to my first real "enlightenment" experience in which I met with the devil and every evil in the world that ever existed but then I realized all of it was made up by my imagination and no evil exists or has ever existed. But there is a problem: at the same time, over the last 2 months I have fallen into a mental "fog" so to speak. I have lost interest in school, I have lost interest in becoming a psychiatrist (which was my life purpose, yes I know you're supposed to figure out other ones as time goes on but I'm in a position right now where I can't really do that), I have allowed my sleep schedule to fall into a routine that is mentally destroying me, I no longer care for having girlfriends, I have been experiencing short manic episodes fueled by either fear or anger (or both), and all I seem to want to do is write and make music. Music has been a hobby of mine for a few years but now I just find my mind always focusing on how I can become a fucking rockstar instead of how I can complete tasks at hand like homework or studying for a test or doing well at my job. I don't do drugs or drink or any of that, so that's not the reason for this. It's ridiculous, I don't want this path for myself because I know it will only bring me despair but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Please help

Leo does a video on the "dark" side of meditation. Id recommend that. What you are experiencing is common and temporary. Just keep pressing through. Life takes some getting used to when the ego is dissolving but its well worth it

[Torkys]

I agree with @Matt8800. This is an ego backlash, just observe it. Watch this video:

Other than that, your ego is playing tricks on you. As the title of this video suggests, the thing that hurts you isn't awareness; it's your ego. Shit is surfacing and your ego blames it on awareness.

[AllanGR]

Ego backlash, excellent term.  My method is indulging in everything I consider evil; bad; rude, offensive (but obviously within the law) and sometimes it's instant clarity, other times it takes while.  Ego wrangling, what fun it is -not.

[Nahm]

@Theprofessional Hang in there! It’s temporary.  You can do both. 

[abrakamowse]