Problem with getting guys to ask me out? help

[moon777light]

hello. 

SO i have lived in europe for 4 years now for university and i used to live my entire life in america. Back in highschool in america guys hit on me all the time, and i got frequent asks for a date. i dont want to show off but friends even teachers and people i dont know told me i should model and stuff so i was quite confident about my looks. Since ive moved to eastern europe, i have only in the first year got one ask out. AFter that no one has asked me out ever. No one in europe at university flirts, what is this? I am not a bar-goer because people heavily smoke and i dont drink alchohol. I just asked my brother and he said my problem is that my voice is annoying, im too loud/talk rush. Im crying right now since i have extreme low self-esteem and im scared no one wants me. Plus i barely talk outside, and once these guys thought i was mute and was making jokes about that so i am confused. 

also im still a virgin and i feel like such a loser for being over 20, an attractive girl, and not experiencing this. 

Edited April 7, 2018 by moon777light

[Random-Hero95]

hey, 

yeah, us Europeans are quite conservative and not as flirtatious in person compared to Americans...

i'd say jump on a dating app? i'm sure you'll get a ton of matches/likes, and then maybe you could go on a blind date and enjoy yourself

don't worry about being a virgin, you'll lose it when you're ready, and when the times right 

good luck  

[Nahm]

@moon777light Do some self work before the dating or you’ll end up with someone with low self esteem and it’ll potentially drain your energy. Happiness contingent on getting asked out or being pretty is no happiness at all. Discover what you really are.

[moon777light]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

@moon777light Do some self work before the dating or you’ll end up with someone with low self esteem and it’ll potentially drain your energy. Happiness contingent on getting asked out or being pretty is no happiness at all. Discover what you really are.

thanks guys for the replies, yes i agree with you very much. I am watching all of leos self-acceptance videos this week and taking notes. and books of course.

ahahah dating apps... ..not my thing ':D

[Charlotte]

@moon777light Would you say your self worth/confidence relies on the the opinions and actions of other?

[moon777light]

@Charlotte if im going to be honest, yes  

[Nahm]

@moon777light Corilation worth noticing; How do I get a date? & Dating apps are not my thing. Some times the universe hands us the path of least resistence, and we’re like... meh. 

 

For the anxious, meditation is just not their thing.

For the overweight, exercise is just not “them”.

For the depressed, healthy eating is what healthy people do.

The hyperactive say “I” just don’t sit still.

The disconnected say, oh, I don’t draw or paint or anything. I’m not very creative.

 

 

[Charlotte]

@moon777light  At least your honest and you've made yourself aware of this. This is the first step. I was always looking at boys when I passed them to check if they were looking at me, if they weren't I automatically felt unattractive...  silly and dangerous game. Your literally giving other people the power over your own psychology @moon777light Your giving away so much! Take back control, this is no way to live and you will NEVER be happy, happiness/peace is already within you lovely. 

Living this way will only bring you more suffering and we are the creators of our own suffering. 

Definitely work on yourself hunny and stay on this path. Weed out one issue at a time and give each problem your full attention/commitment.

I was so so deeply insecure for so long before walking my own path and the more effort you put in the more the suffering will literally disintegrate, telling you from first hand experience. 

I wish you all the luck/peace in the world ♥️

[RichardY]

@moon777light Literally knock on someone's door that you like and seduce him.

Europe is quite mixed in people's temperment. Germans, Czech, Dutch & French are more open about sex. English are more reserved, although probably varies by region.

[Charlotte]

@moon777light I'd actually completely avoid any type of relationship/dating right now if I was you, I feel (I maybe wrong) your looking to get into one for security reasons or even codependent reasons. 

[moon777light]

@Nahm the reason i avoid is all my friends who've used dating apps had really bad experiences with guys just using them for sex, and i am very scared of that, i'm an extremely sensitive person haha, and even my brother warned against it. Also the country where i live in currently no one uses dating apps (the former mentioned friends are all from the states)

as an anxious person meditation is helping  just quite hard to discipline myself to sit down

@Charlotte thank you sooo much for your encouraging words, much appreciated.   even though its hard for me to admit this i think your right regarding wanting for security reasons/codependent. Years back, i was in one relationship that was very brief and i noticed i was with the guy just so i can say "im in a relationship" and everytime i hung out with him i felt super insecure. I didnt have a crush on him per se but he was attractive and so i thought "oh, he'll grow on me, the crush will develop". Nope, never did. Not making that mistake ever again. Plus it hurts his feelings as well. I need to first put the work on myself, then think about others. 

@RichardY i know!!! where are the germans at? haha theres only one german guy in my university and he is my favorite out of all these people here lol., the only more open guy.  sadly 99% are natives here 

 

, 

[Girzo]

You CAN start to flirt, too. Just saying. Make sure guy you are hitting on doesn't have the girlfriend at the moment (50/50 chance, don't get discouraged) and go. If he's a worthwhile candidate, he will get that you are interested in him and start leading from there.

It's different in every country. Spaniards are very open and easy-going. In Poland it's a little bit different, people are more reserved and rarely flirt outside a party, but still are really open sexually. And I have heard that dating scene is a living hell in Denmark, so it really depends on where you live.

I assume that in most of the eastern countries it will be similar to Poland. People sometimes hook up for a night or two, but most of the time you have to be in a relationship if you want to have sex. Many guys won't date you not because they don't find you attractive, but because they are simply afraid of being pressured into a relationship they don't like.

Go party with your friends, if you don't have any make some, find a guy you like and seduce him, you know how to do it, every one knows how to. You just need to relax and let it happen by itself. But being a little bit of a strategic motherfucker won't hurt too. So you can plan ahead: How will you leave your friends with this guy? Where will you go, to your place? You can tidy it up in advance.  How will you get there? Etc. 

I am 20, male, virgin, and totally understand your pain. 

[Frylock]

I don't know why women feel like the guy always has to do the initiation. Out of the few times women have approached or initiated me, I greatly respected them for it. Any normal guy should too.

[Charlotte]

1 minute ago, moon777light said:

thank you sooo much for your encouraging words, much appreciated.  

My absolute pleasure ♥️

2 minutes ago, moon777light said:

even though its hard for me to admit this i think your right regarding wanting for security reasons/codependent. Years back, i was in one relationship that was very brief and i noticed i was with the guy just so i can say "im in a relationship" and everytime i hung out with him i felt super insecure. I didnt have a crush on him per se but he was attractive and so i thought "oh, he'll grow on me, the crush will develop". Nope, never did.

It's never easy to admit lovely but bringing awareness to the subject will increase your chances of resolving unconscious behavioural patterns, thus reducing suffering, so well done!

Next step is to truly find out WHY your getting into relationships/dating for security reasons. Maybe some self coaching? I JUST did this with myself, I was relationship hopping all through my teenage years and up to my late twenties, just to add, my relationships never worked out in the end and in the past my excuse was "he just weren't the right guy for me" so I unconsciously went onto my next relationship and sure enough that came crashing and burning soon enough. 

Last week I sat down and delved deep and I came to the realisation that I've been getting into relationships because I was unable to find happiness outside of one and I felt relationship hopping healed the emotional suffering of the previous (all unconsciously of course). I've just saved my self from years of suffering and also a big amount of money (therapy). Even though I'm 27 now, I'm glad I've got to the bottom of this issue and it wouldn't of been possible without the PD/Consciousness work. 

I hope a little personal back story could maybe give you some guidance to your own and hopefully save you years of suffering. 

17 minutes ago, moon777light said:

I need to first put the work on myself, then think about others. 

Exactly. You control the destiny to your own happiness/peace @moon777light nobody else can you give that! ♥️

[moon777light]

@Frylock  iv had mini traumas from this believe me. back in 6th grade i got my crush valentines day candies, next thing i know when im walking to cafeteria he walks right behind me with his friends and says "can you believe she got me valentine day candies? ewwww!!!"

and then in high school i was flirting (very obvious, maybe a bit, too obvious) with my crush and then he started pointing at me and laughing with all his friends. bad bad times. i need to learn how to grow 'thicker skin' or how to process emotional trauma better if im going to be direct with a guy lol

 

 

 

[moon777light]

@Girzo the only way i have ever flirted in my life is through eye contact because i tend to get very giggly/jittery otherwise. I have a bad tendancy of giggling SUPER obnoxiously around crushes and end up scaring everyone away. other than that its very hard for me, i get stuck on repeating lame questions like oh what music do you like, etc. In croatia i have a languange barrier due to my heavy american accent/crappy croatian grammar knowledge so flirting here is very very difficult. I kinda just silently make eye contact and wish for the best, which has never yielded me results. 

@Charlotte your advice totally helped 

 

im going to sleep, see ya peeps 

Edited April 7, 2018 by moon777light

[RichardY]

@moon777light If there's a science department(male dominant....), you could go with a small group of girlfriends say 2, maybe 3, knock on some dormitory doors to arrange a picnic or if the weather is rubbish some other social activity. Otherwise probably have to look else where, Universities are usually massively female dominated.

[Girzo]

@moon777light No, no, that won't fly, only if you are super-attractive. I am bad at flirting with new people, too, but with someone you know it's much easier.

Imagine you sit with some guy at the table and you just go like: "Hey Daniel, you know, I think you are cute. But don't think anything!". It works even better if you are shy and don't hold eye-contact. He might say something like: "Um, thanks - I think you are kinda cute too, anyways... blah blah." Let him continue conversation, or if he said just thanks, then ask him a question to avoid awkward silence. For example: "What are your plans for today?", ask it with a non-caring voice, like you are not interested, just asking from boredom. He asks: "What do YOU do today?", "Erm, nothing." You know, give him that chance to even ask you, let him notice you may be interested in him, that you are an option.

And I know, what I am giving you here might be a totally bad advice, but the point is to try and test out new things. Ditch the useless methods, use the working ones.

Moon, if I had to guess what your main sticking point is, I would say it's an inability to establish a male-female kind of polarity. All the guys you know probably see you as a friend, that's why they don't ask you even when you give them subtle signals. To move everything towards the right direction you can ask a guy what he likes in girls. You know, you have to steer that conversation towards sex a little bit. Be playful and honest, he will appreciate.

@RichardY That sounds like a great idea. If that had happened to me I would be very surprised and happy that I was the one who was asked, even if I knew it was all random knocking. It would be a very clear male-female type of relation from the beggining. Not a friend-friend one that kills all the attraction.

[Charlotte]

57 minutes ago, moon777light said:

your advice totally helped 

Happy I could help in any way 

♥️

[Soulbass]

when you drop the masks/roles you play, fear dissolves and love can flow.

love someone, look into his/her eyes for long minutes, and feel the deep connection with him/her