Meli tries to be authentic

[AuthenticMeli]

Hello dear people,

now that a few weeks have passed I feel like writing a little bit. 

I do not know how I can describe this feeling but it seems like all the people around me "the intellectuals" are influencing the way I perceive the world. On one hand I have to adapt otherwise I would not be able to study for my classes and discuss with people informally... I feel like back then when I was a kid and I tried to explore the world. I like this. But at the same time I cannot find myseld doing any self-enlightment work anymore. I would have to force myself. I liked to listen to the videos a lot but now I would have to force myself.

 

[AuthenticMeli]

I AM BACK!! 

With a lot of things to tell... but I do not feel like writing a lot about them so I will tell you shortly in a list:

• I left "Islam" 
• I do not wear a hijab anymore and my dad was shocked and ignored me first
• I fell in love with a guy and we were in a relationship for three months
• I told my mother about this she could not handle it and told it to my dad who could not handle it so they told my uncle and aunt: they are scared that this relationship has no future
• My "boyfriend" (this is a label and he is human btw) is a little bit older than me and also studying... but with hardships. He is going through a hard phase again when it is not clear, if he can even stay in the country. 
• Now I am confused. We love eachother but I also know that we hurt each other by not letting us go. I could say you can go to a safe country.. He could say I am sorry I tried everything but this is not going to work out. So my parents know, I am aware of the complexity of the drama I somehow created myself.
• I realized how dysfunctional my relationship with my parents is.. I have the urge to leave them. Sadly I have to stay with them because I have an internship in the city
• Sometimes I feel so scared because of what I did and what kind of consequenses might follow: my family is disappointed that I made the wrong choices. And in the end I might even be completely alone because my boyfriend has to leave. But then I imagine that I am in a lucid dream and ask myself: Okay, what do I want to do now? I distance myself from the "problem" I could do whatever I want to. I could live without them. I would miss them but I do not need them. Crazy shit. Then I hate myself for thinking that. I think I try to find a solution and since there is none I try to do something against my burning fears that come and go: I do not eat, I smoke sometimes, I cry...
• Now that I do not believe that "god" tries to test me and this and that life seems so strange and absurd. Why are all these things happening? Because I want to? Okay what else can I do??
• Long story short this entry is a "I am back" entry.. I am back to spiritual development.. since I realize the "low-Consciousness" way to deal with my disturbing emotions is not working. Not even suicide comes to my mind. I only want to be more aware and think to myself "okay, now what?"
• I feel like an "asshole" right now.. maybe I always was one but now I have come to realize... woah.. mindblowing.

[AuthenticMeli]

Rain.

Tears.

Good Bye.

Silently.

[thehero]

if you need a friend or someone to talk to, i'd be happy to listen and even give advice if you'd like 

[AuthenticMeli]

 

I feel extremely powerless.

I feel like laws and people in positions with higher influence have the power to decide if someone I love can stay with me or not.

I cannot accept that. I know that this is irrational since laws help to sustain order.

But my inner child, my ego, something inside of me does not want to accept that I cannot do anything.

I feel like this makes my feelings bottle up. I feel angry. I feel hate. I want to hurt something, someone or myself. 

But maybe it is better to disappear because in the end everything is meaningless, right?

Or should I just smoke a cig and wait for something to happen. The decision. 

Should I just smile and act as if I am okay. No, I would act like a manic. But why not: nothing matters. I can do whatever I want: I can just laugh and have fun and not be sad at all about the fact that I am powerless. 

Hey, Love is egoistic, right? Just let go and everything will be fine, right?