Meli tries to be authentic

[AuthenticMeli]

I just joined a few minutes ago and wanted to say hi.

Hi.

I am starting this online journal because I have really hard time being authentic around people. I close myself off to people and whenever I reveal how I truly feel and think about something I start to get anxious (and start to clean and change everything once I am home)

I am sure that my anxiety will kick in once I click the "submit topic" button too lol. I know exactly why I feel anxious.

But I cannot tell you this right now, because that would make me more anxious. 

There is a big storm inside of me right now, I have these feelings and thoughts that I think I "should" NOT have. But I cannot hold myself any longer,it is the truth, and hiding the truth is so painful. 

Quote

Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides. André Malraux

 

Are you hiding something?

Edited April 7, 2018 by AuthenticMeli
small change

[moon777light]

hellouuu and welcome to this madness of a forum  cant wait to read your entries and see your progress

[Space]

@AuthenticMeli Hello, welcome to the forum! 

Edited April 7, 2018 by Space

[AuthenticMeli]

@moon777light hey  I recognized your profile picture, had a few glimpes into your journal entries too. I equally cannot wait how your journey will continue. 

[AuthenticMeli]

@Space thanks   

[AuthenticMeli]

Hi, there . 

So, how does this journal works? Should I continue here or below my first entry? I think it does not matter because this is my journal so...

oh and by the way: I am fluent in german and this might effect my style of writing here. Like applying german grammar to english. But again... this is a unique journal so I am not concerned too much about that. Just wanted to let you know. 

Visiting an old friend

My friend F is staying with me for a few days and today we decided to visit her old friend which lives in a nearby city. Just like she visited her old friend I visited something old and ugly inside of me which was triggered by their conversations about life, relationships, marriage, society, religion. This place is dark and cold, with no hope at all. For a few seconds I felt extremely hopeless. Maybe this is how it is and should be, right? 

I found myself in this old memory bubble, two days after the summer holidays finished, school has started. I was this conservative teenager, who was against everything except for what I thought was right. And at that time, when my mosque teacher told me "the time for you has come" I thought the same. The time for a headscarf  has come, to show the world that I was a believer. But I was also really scared. What would they think about me? Also, what would my teacher would think about me if I do not wear it? Back then it was a right decision for me. And since I got positive feedback I never questioned or reflected this, after all it was the right thing to do

Then I was back in the present moment walking next to a river, not listening to their conversations anymore.Then I was in the "refelecting my life" bubble: Six years later, just started university six months ago. And so much has changed. I have changed, my values have changed. And right now, I know that I want to take my headscarf off. But do I have to courage to tell the world that I took a decision back then, and now I changed my mind? Should I not just stick with the situation? No, I do not want to. I am so sure about that. I want to express these thoughts and reveal them and I want to stand by them for as long as I want to.

I am determined but also a little nervous, even excited. I have no idea how I will feel, how people might react and how I react to their reaction. I am not prepared but I know I will never be. So why not?

My sleepy mind is telling me: "Once you wake up you will be too scared to get out

f your safe ideal image hahaha" So, I am also not determined. It feels like juggling and I am not very good at it yet. Because I just used to watch people do it. I am sure that I will fail from time to time. And even if I wish I had external support and validation that prove my choices were right; I mean people who cheere me while I try to juggle... I know that in the end I am alone and I will have to keep practice or take a break or whatever. 

 

Tomorrow will be very interesting. See you tomorrow? 

[AuthenticMeli]

Okay , 

so I just woke up with a very bad feeling in my stomach and whenever thoughts about my "decision" arise I have this intense feeling inside of it. I know this too well. I am trying to hold myself back from taking that step. I tried to "do nothing" and let go of it... but I do not think this is the way I can handle this. The longer I sit here and do nothing the more energy I waste. The best way to deal with this kind of anxiety is to find my way to deal with it. 

 

See you later?

[Amer]

Hello @AuthenticMeli !

that is so courageous of you speaking up your mind. I was wondering if you have watched @Leo Gura's episode about Islam? I recommend that you watch it, it will be helpful.. maybe enhance your decision, our at least reduce your hesitation.

All the best!

[sarapr]

@AuthenticMeli only the first day of change is hard, the second time people see you without a scarf they won't even realize anything is different .you won't neither . just do it  

[AuthenticMeli]

Hi @Amer , thank you that you took the time to read my journal

When I saw that he released that episode I was really suprised, and watching it confronted me yet again with my inner thoughts.  Not all the things I followed are "up to date". And I knew it, I could feel it but yet I was too scared to reveal this feeling to the world. Thankfully I took a baby step towards a much longer journey. Since no one is telling me what to believe and how to live I feel so relieved. Even if I took it off for now I know that this hesitation will keep coming because I still have to tell this to my family. I decided to wait before I confront them with this since it took me about 2 years to get to the position I am today. 

I wish you all the best too.

[AuthenticMeli]

@sarapr hey, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me here. I think you are right.

Yesterday I met this girl who is also wearing headscarf. And first I wanted to avoid her. And the best way to do that is to approach her first and have lil small talk and then leave. 

She did not recognize me first and when she did she was so suprised and super polite that I talked to her about normal boring everyday life. I am curious of how our interaction will be when meet again.

[AuthenticMeli]

Today, was a weird day. Right now, I do not feel like talking too much about it. Life continues and right now I am confronted with a new things. I know how I feel about all of them.. but I really do not know how to express my feelings (again). Maybe I will tell you about ths next time. Now, I will just see what other journals have to tell me. Good night.

[Torkys]

Hey @AuthenticMeli and welcome to the forum!

Congratulations on revealing your inner world to this forum! This is a huge step to take, you should be proud of yourself!

You will face many threshold guardians along this journey - you are becoming a hero! Don't let any of them scare you off, even if you fall you still gotta get up and shed the old and anxious Meli.

I wish to get people to be like you. People who open up and shed their resistance and ignorance. That's what I am here for.

I am so proud of you! I am waiting for you to take off that headscarf!

Edited April 10, 2018 by Torkys

[AuthenticMeli]

Hey @Torkys thanks so much. I am so happy to talk to people here on this forum and share my thoughts too which I have hided so long. 

Actually, Meli is the name of my stuffed ice bear which I have since I can remember. For me she is representing my inner self and thoughts, she knows everything. And know she tries to be honest and open. Which of course means that I try to be open and honest about myself ... I am Meli and Meli is me () 

I am happy that you also decided to be here and share your thoughts. 

I am already without headscarf for two days but I have not written anything about it yet because I cannot translate my feelings into words. We will see how it will go. 

Have a nice day!

[sarapr]

2 hours ago, AuthenticMeli said:

Hey @Torkys thanks so much. I am so happy to talk to people here on this forum and share my thoughts too which I have hided so long. 

Actually, Meli is the name of my stuffed ice bear which I have since I can remember. For me she is representing my inner self and thoughts, she knows everything. And know she tries to be honest and open. Which of course means that I try to be open and honest about myself ... I am Meli and Meli is me () 

I am happy that you also decided to be here and share your thoughts. 

I am already without headscarf for two days but I have not written anything about it yet because I cannot translate my feelings into words. We will see how it will go. 

Have a nice day!

Great awesome . let us know how things turn out for you . 

[AuthenticMeli]

What can I do? Nothing?

So, two weeks or so have passed since I took my headscarf of. I am happy about my decision and I started to be more social and outgoing. And I do not say that I could not do that before because of my scarf I could.. but I never did.. because I felt so stuck, following someone elses rules. Out of fear.

The only thing that is bothering in my nightmares is my family. I dream that I am now free to express myself like I want to. And this may be selfish but I cannot continue doing stuff that people tell me to do. I see myself in my dream exposing this to my parents. I hesitate but I really wish I could tell them. I noticed how I stopped calling them because of this because I have to hide from them. My friend said it would be better to wait and tell them laterso they will not think that I got influenced by "bad" people. But I cannot do this. It really bothers me. 

So, today I woke up with energy and did some work. And then this feeling got intense again. "I want to tell them but I cannot. I am so sad." So this time, I got my phone and called my mom who did not pick up. Then I called my dad. Small talk. But I could not concentrate. I hesitated like in my dream. But then I started with "you want my best right?"he said yes. And then I told him that I decided to take my headscarf of. Silence. And then he started to explain in calm voice to me,tyring to convince me: back then you were a kid you did not have to but now you do,can you carry the sin with you? do you want to burn in hell? you want to be like all the other people, what will the peopke think of you when you take it on and off whenever you want? this is gods law, your evil voice is telling you this, I want you to be special, not like an irresponsible human, i want to give you to someone in a headscarf and then you can decide with your husband about your headscarf, we carry the sins of our children do you really want to give us this burden. 

I told him that I did not wear it out of my belief, that I forced myself, that I never did it for god but everyone else. I can remember thinking like him. Black and white. If you do not wear a headscarf you are a bitch mentality. I know he will not like it, that I will be against all this. I can understand it but I do not want to controlled by all this anymore. And yes this could mean that I am a dibeliever maybe I am. Maybe I do not want god in manmade rules. I want to experience god in everything I do. I do not want him to be manifested in this religion, and if you do not follow it then god hates you. And will burn you in hell.

I do not want to hurt my parents, I still want to maintain a relationship with them, I do not do all this because I want attention, this is not a rebellion against my parents, I want them to accept me even if that means "burning in hell for me" if they believe that this will happen. But maybe this will make them hate me. Maybe they want me to rethink this. Follow their rules until I am married which I do not want. 

I am very stubborn about my decision. This is my truth and if I go back to old... then this is the biggest disrespect to "god" in my opinion. 

But what should I do know? I really do not care what others think of me, that for them I look like a bitch or a disbeliever, disrespectful girl,.. honestly I do not want these kind of people in my life, I do not even want to marry someone who thinks that someone with a headscarf has more value than someone without. But sadly my parents are like this. I think they are scared of peoples opinion. Of my grandparents opionion. Their self esteem is somehow dependant on me wearing a piece of fabric on my head???? As I said, I love my parents but I cannot do this for them.

But maybe I should??? But I do not want to. If I continue with my own path this may cause conflict. Maybe the will not even want me anymore. I am scared of that. I am crying right now.. why would god want parents to abandon their child if they do not believe and do as they want to... even if it is against gods will... does this make any sense... Being abandoned and ignored/ continue to force myself to fit into a corrupt system where I have to obey without being convinced? Both are very horrifying options. Will this decision change my life? Everything could be easy... if my parents stop for a moment their ideologies and listen to my truth. It is not their truth... Honestly I feel so bad rn... I am happy and relieved that I told him that... I knew that this day would come but I could not wait... maybe this was stupid... but my heart could not hide it anymore. I just want to know if they will accept it or leave me...

our life, our family, or your life, do you want to be selfish, alone? Is this going to happen? if yes then what should I do.. I go back to university and tell everyone I lied, my parents are not accepting and loving my decision... then I do not want to live anymore.. I would have my family, but I would not be me, I would be like a living corpse, 

 

Is it all my fault? Maybe I should have just stay quiet... and keep staying the same... no one would know about my inner thoughts, no one would complain that I do not make sense because I wrapped like a nice gift that can be given to a man... then I would have kids, probably be so depressed that I could care about them, I would start to hate everything , I could not make the best out of the situation because I know that I had the chance to stand up and talk. And now I cannot trust anyone but myself.... I have no trust in my family only hope. 

[AuthenticMeli]

I could just go home without headscarf see my dads disappointed face, my mother would be shocked, my sisters would be confused... I would feel the adrenaline. And what then? Maybe they will get scared, they will think that letting me move out was a bad idea.... they will think I will be doing naughty stuff... maybe they will forbid me to go back...

I do not want to take this risk... I think it is too complicated. I could just go home with my headscarf and lie "okay, I changed my mind. I will try my best to stay like I am" but when I will go back I will be doing all that stuff that my parents will not expect?

Okay, should I try solving it now... should I postpone this decsion since I do not live home... but I do go home every now and then and I would have to have a double life... that is also mentally exhausting. I do not want to go home because why would I call sth home where I have to lie about myself.

I do have more important stuff to do rn but once in a while all these feelings and thoughts pop up. I want to talk to my aunt about this. She might be the only one that could help me. Because she also took her headscarf of. 

There is a thing I do not understand: 

my parents used to be very chill in their early adulthood,my mom used to be a hairdresser, she was very stylish and used to hang out with her friends and be very outgoing. Then she had to marry an asshole and then I came into existence. Then they divorced. She married again, wore headscarf, had bad depression because of the new family.

Her husband now, he also was very active, used to do sports, was very good at art. His father never liked the idea that his son is an artist. Feeling left alone my dad of course worked physically hard to be like a real man. He was also feeling guilty for leaving the islamic school probably his parents made him feel like this.

In general you can see that they had a very unique lifestyle with their own values, but moving to the city of that family, interacting with them, made them follow stuff they also do not want just because it is said to be the law of god. Maybe I should mention that my family is very conservative. I remember thinking "thank you god that I met this family, now I am at the right path"... I always felt like they were right and our saviors from hell. But the older I get the more I disagree to that extend that I do not believe anything what they tell me.

I had this dream that my parents and my sisters move to a new town and start from all over again, without that religion. I could see how my parents live up their potential, how every day is unique because there is always sth new to learn from living... I do not want to think that okay tomorrow will be the same and then we will die and will get punished in this and that way. Why should I live then if I already what will happen.. 

I feel like I am child again... where I did not think about god and religion where I just lived and tried to make sense myself. Blabka they say.. we need rules otherwise everyone would have sex with one another and there would be no respect and blabla... 

I do not want to hate an ideology... but I also do not want to support it. I do not want it. I also do not want it that my family does but I cannot change that. I also cannot change their reaction to me saying all this. I lied... I said I am still muslim. But I am not. I am not a muslim and I do not want anyone to force me to be one... but then again I think is this not too selfish... leaving your family your parents, your sisters with confusion... something in their life wold not make sense. This is our reality how can she not accept that. Surely they will think that I am a disbeliever that will burn in hell, they will use me as an instrument...if you do like her you will burn in hell too. No one would talk to me...But know that I think of it.. I am not even their family maybe they will use this as an excuse... she had not our genes, her real father was a psychopath and he will also burn in hell so will she, 

I am not scared of burning in hell... I could even live with gossip and my family ignoring me, but I do want my mother and my sisters by my side.. I do not want to loose them.. I am afraid that they will be brainwashed to let me go... 

I think if I cannot solve this I will probably try to find my new own family, new relationships, I would start to be a "problem kid" in their eyes... and they would think it is my fault... they would be so scared to let my sisters move out and study.

 

so yeah... maybe I should just have a double life... I think this is the easiest way.. I am kinda regretting of telling my father about my thoughts.. but I should act like I decided against this and.. on one hand I will go home and I hate to lie... on the other hand I will propbably say fuck it... I will do whatever I want... But this makes me hate myself, it is such a burden. 

I do not have any hope anymore besides my aunt. And if she also is against me.. then I do not know... then I should say hello double life... I will maybe end up with a disorder or depression idk.. I just want to live my one life.. I do not want to split anything..so the I should take the step? and leave everyone confused and angry... leave them..? even if it is selfish?even if everyone would blame me that sth did not go their way... I tend to go with this... I told you I am stubborn and cold... actually I do not care at all what others think... but I know my family does... and maybe they could not live with it.. 

ahhh the anxiety in my heart.. I feel hopeless but I know what I want to do.. I am just too scared.. maybe I will just go home do it all once.. initiate the worst and scariest thing for me... live and see what will happen from there on... otherwise I will think about it hypothetically... wondering what might have happened. Okay.. okay okay... or maybe I should just runaway.. or killing myself.. this would also make everyone feel confused but then I do not have to bother with it.. but I do not want to kill myself.. I am ready to fight first.. but I need an ally.

[AuthenticMeli]

sigh... next week will be really busy for me... 

[AuthenticMeli]

I am at home, talked to my parents, my grandmother knows about my thoughts, they first accepted it but I think they are still confused... and they are scared to be held responsible for my "sin"... I regret that I decided to wear a headscarf.. because right now I am so stuck... I am expected to act like a utilitarian ... do what is the best for the most of the people... but is it really the right thing for me? when I feel so sad... 

I thought I can relax from all my anxiety I had, I was about to read some literature for a presentation I have on monday... then my mom asked "are you sure about that, did you thought about it again?" I said yes, I saw her tears coming "you will make us responsible when you are burning in hell"

To be honest, I was mentally so  exhausted that I thought, maybe I should just do whatever they tell me, go back to mosque, then I would not have to think about life anymore

[AuthenticMeli]

Break. Pause. Breathe.