Proactives attempt on being proactive

[Proactive]

feels bad bruh, not getting attention. So lets figure this out, obviously my immediate answer to feeling this is self-love. This is however a chance to delve deeper into myself. 

I feel as if I were back in elementary school being iscolated

I am in the gym, standing alone. Classmates gathered to leave the gym. Whispering, they are whispering about me! I CAN HEAR THEM. They are saying my name, they are saying that i'm trying to be cool.

So, I always write about these old days, and it is ok. I'm not getting attention in this forum, and I don't know how attention correlates with my being paranoid. I was paranoid in the past, I have gotten better. I use to hear them whispering my name, when people talk, so here's something that proves that I am hallucinating, the only words I can hear are ones that repeat. Such as my name, or a phrase. I literally can't hear anything else.  . Now, I wonder how it got that way? I never liked it when people would assume things about me. The reasoning is very simple, I don't want to seem predictable; because that would mean I'm inferior to others.

q: I have so many questions should I answer them all? It would probably be 10 questions in a row. Not even sure if I am correct about them. Try to get to the essence

Points thus far for my question of where did this need for attention arise?

•  I think I am getting some flashbacks to my elementary days when I don't get attention on this forum
• I was paranoid back then
• I hate when people think I'm predictable because I feel inferior and simple

With a clear question I see myself

Sitting alone, a baby, engrossed in my imaginary world. I was the hero in this world, as strong as a god. Far superior than other all other humans. Capable of taking down thousands of people. Honestly that was all I liked. Company was not offered, never even met my dad and sister. My mom provided affection, but she was never fun. She worked, and nobody ever played with me. 

Actually I was sent to daycare, I guess I had fun there, going on field trips, building sand castles, catching bugs. I also bullied others, thinking fighting was so cool like spiderman. So as a child I also faced some physical abuse, my mom would hit me after I had bullied others. This did not deter me from bullying, I think it even fueled me more. I was born left handed, and yeah, if I were a horse, i'd be one of the worse horses for humans to ride. 

Other than that, my early childhood was pretty good. I met my sister, and we played a bit. This story cannot be 100% trusted. Day 1 of shadow work, just b4 I sleep i'm gonna go back into my early childhood and offer support yo.

[Proactive]

School has started once again, here I am once again without friends. Thankfully I have a few connections which does not make me completely alone. However it does feel kinda lonely because everywhere I go, I see groups hanging out. So this loneliness would not occur in a place like my home because there isn't all these people to make me feel like "i'm different in a bad way"

So now, i'm thinking what should I do? should I figure out why I can't make friends? Should I focus on my hmk ? Should I focus on generating a feeling?

I think I should start with

1. remove this limiting belief that being alone is bad because it causes lots of suffering (contemplate on it). 

2. Figure out why I'm not making friends, figure our how to interact with peers.

 

1. Ok, so i'm having a hard time understanding what I feel when others around me are happy and able to be in a group. I think its feeling inferior, definitely caused by being isolated when I was younger. From what I can think of, one of the reason for being iscolated in the past was because I was quite prideful, and at a very early age I understood that those who are clingy are not attractive. At like 5-6 doing that would make everyone want to be friends with me.

So at one point in my life I had said I hate humans, this was because I hated how judgmental they can be, and promised myself to never judge anyone (I tried). 

Ok, i've gone over the past a bit to maybe try to identify what exactly is the problem.

So why exactly is being alone a bad thing?  How does it actually make me inferior???? I guess it might mean something like less friends? Less friends means less power, I don't get to go to as much places or do as much things. Sometimes when I code and get into the zone, I won't care about being lonely. I am just focused on creating the thing I want.

Being alone pushes me into orange, in the past I would justify it by saying things like while they are playing I will be studying and go far career wise but it didn't work because of depression.

Maybe part 2 another time?