I can't stand living anymore

[Phrae]

I could go into explanations.

I have 8,000 USD saved. I want to get enlightened. I am willing to do anything.

I only have one concern which is fixing my posture. I have no things I am not willing to give up.

What are my options? I am right now in an office that I can't stand. I can't stand a minute that is passing by that is not committed to mindfulness or meditation. The only thing I can stand is thinking/planning for meditation and coming up with routines to fix posture. I meditate in my car, while trying to talk, doing other things now. I know how being here doing "worldly" things taking my focus away tugs at me towards unconscious and I can't stand it.

I am not one for being strong while there are distractions. I am all for become strong then show your equanimity to all these distractions.

I want to go. I want to find everything.

I want the highest possible meditation time with a good amount of theory to pinpoint the practice and have laser precision. I want to do this to death.

I have my senior project pending. I can't stand it. I can't stand an 8 hour job of unconscious.

[Leo Gura]

So become a monk or yogi.

Plenty of places around that will take you. Search around online. Just don't join a cult.

[Phrae]

@Leo Gura Can you specify how to search for them exactly? It is a big decision to choose one.

[Raymondo]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

So become a monk or yogi.

Plenty of places around that will take you. Search around online. Just don't join a cult.

Geez is that actually possible? If it is then wtf have I been doing my whole life

[Forestluv]

2 hours ago, Phrae said:

I want to get enlightened. I am willing to do anything.

I have no things I am not willing to give up.

“You” don’t get enlightened. You don’t gain anything. It’s a total loss. Yet, the self doesn’t want to let go and seeks, seeks, seeks.

We are always zero steps from enlightenment. We aren’t conscoious of it because we are so immersed in The Story of ourselves. We don’t want enlightenment, we want the idea of enlightenment. We want the journey, the seeking, the chasing, the thinking and the talking about it. If enlightenment was offered to us on a silver platter, we would reject it. It’s not something we choose or find - it just haapens. The more one can step out of The Story, the more space and higher chance it awareness becomes aware if itself.

[cirkussmile]

Quit your job right now! Don't spend one second more in this state.

You have 8000USD? 

With that money you can live for years in India. 

I quit my job for 15 months ago and still going strong. Just quit and then you will start to see things more clearly.

Much love

[Raymondo]

Maybe thats because it isnt in our hand, like you cant just stop breathing and try to kill your body by not breathing and the same goes for this I think

[i am I AM]

Is that what you really want or really feel? Be sure it is not, self-denial, self-doubt, or self-hatred. 

(From Nithyananda Teachings)

[Hsinav]

5 hours ago, Phrae said:

I have no things I am not willing to give up.

Then give up the need to be somewhere else.

[nightrider1435]

You have to take responsibility for your life, and I'm not saying its easy either. Hard to settle with a job that hate, especially if you're doing conconcious work. I've been in this position before and switched jobs because of it.

[Leo Gura]

6 hours ago, Raymondo said:

Geez is that actually possible? If it is then wtf have I been doing my whole life

You should read Om Swami's book from my book list. It will clear things up for ya about how to become a monk.

[Faceless]

5 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

“You” don’t get enlightened. You don’t gain anything. It’s a total loss. Yet, the self doesn’t want to let go and seeks, seeks, seeks.

We are always zero steps from enlightenment. We aren’t conscoious of it because we are so immersed in The Story of ourselves. We don’t want enlightenment, we want the idea of enlightenment. We want the journey, the seeking, the chasing, the thinking and the talking about it. If enlightenment was offered to us on a silver platter, we would reject it. It’s not something we choose or find - it just haapens. The more one can step out of The Story, the more space and higher chance it awareness becomes aware if itself.

This is so 

[Sirius]

@Phrae My friend, i truly understand how you feel.Even me, right now replying to your post , i understand that i go uncoscious doing wordly stuff.

How many times i've thought of just leaving everything behind.I am also so concerned about my posture.I've tried very hard to be aware of myself and the world around me but whenever i make it to some extent i always keep getting sucked into the rabbithole.

 

[Phrae]

@Serotoninluv Well, this talk isn't talk unless something is done. Serious attempt to make discovery was not made such that now I have to step back like you're proposing here. I need to push in a particular direction then I might do what you say here. Being here right now truth is not revealing itself.

@cirkussmile I am not in the states. Where are you in India? Did you join a monastery?

@i am I AM If anything I think it's self-disappointment that I do not know the truth. Is that wrong? To move into that direction from here?

@Hsinav I have a need for truth I guess. I am not going to give that up. I have no need for any kind of place. The only need is meditation time and good amount of theory like I said to pinpoint the truth properly. That's kind of like saying give up your desire to meditate, which is precisely what I want in the above thread. I have no attachment whatsoever in how it's gonna go so long as it is effective.

@Leo Gura I have read the book and I think his attempts were really spontaneous. I think he demonstrates that he knows about meditation theory in some parts of the book but he does't show to what extent. He didn't search at all for which place to go to. I think he should've been smart about it. 

@nightrider1435 Take responsibility? For what? I have to take responsibility for my own food/water or existence? Really? I "have to"? I want truth. What am I gaining? Some extra first or second country luxuries? Better car? Better capacity to indulge myself in tastier food? Chance to have kids? Girl? Chance to be fucked over by a wife because I didn't study women properly or have not been careful enough? The only thing I'm doing is worsening my chance of having deep insight.

@Sirius I honestly think that having good posture is important but I don't know what hours of meditation every day is gonna do it. Yogis talk about the body relaxing completely like never before. Does that fix posture in itself? I don't know what to do here.

[pluto]

You are not living, you are existing. You simply cant stand existing anymore.

Living is the most authentic and joyful thing you will ever experience.

[nightrider1435]

@Phrae Yeah instead of letting an office job that you hate ruin your life. I was leaning more on take responsibility for your happiness when I said that. You want truth then go for it, quit your job and become a monk. Do what makes you happy.

 

[mikeyy]

Hey bro i mean thats cool and all u wanna just meditate a shit Load but i mean remember theres alot of other cool things about Life you Would be bypassing if u go sit and meditate all Day. But i mean fuck it you would get enlightened way fasterr. Maybe be a monk until you become enlightened and Then come back to Society and Fuck shit up

[Ether]

19 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You should read Om Swami's book from my book list. It will clear things up for ya about how to become a monk.

Look man, are you monkhing around?

[Leo Gura]

@Phrae Sit your ass down and self-inquire. Everything else is distraction.

The only strategy that matters is that you actually turn inside and look at your direct experience.

The rest is games.

You can become enlightened sitting on your couch. If you would only discipline yourself and rivet your attention on: What am I?

[Colin]

I'll just throw this little fact that I have sitting around in my head out there

https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/07/drinking-coffee-may-reduce-risk-of-suicide-by-50/