Emotional Healing & Enlightment

[Vladimir]

Hey guys,

The number one priority since I started on this journey has been to heal myself because I knew I had a lot of trauma from childhood and lifestyle. 

Around 7-8 months ago last year, I ran into my first experience of non-duality, which terrified the shit out of me, making me scream in terror, I thought in that moment I was done for sure. Prior to this happening, I was focusing on my heart and saw how much emotional trauma I have accumulated, I started to puke and then sob and wail like I never have in my life, I knew it was my suffering being released but I couldn't go deeper all the way. I'm not exactly sure when the non-dual experience hit me, but I really freaked out other people in the group (this was an Ayahuasca ceremony) including the host. So at this point, they started doing all kinds of shit to my body to try to "snap me out of the experience", what ensued was the most terrifying experience of my life, where I was facing my death over and over, and I couldn't figure out what was happening to my body, they kept touching my body, then dragged me upstairs and put me in a bathtub and started giving me cold showers and sticking acupuncture needles in my face, all the while I was trying to let go into my personal hell because I couldn't handle it anymore. 

Anyway, this experience repeated again in the jungle because I couldn't completely let go, and it was like I was stuck in that same loop between the body and merging with ONE again. Then a few months after the jungle I've done 5meo for the very first time, and the experience started happening again, along with the emotional sobbing from the heart, again I started resisting and couldn't let go.

My question is, does enlightenment necessarily come with emotional healing/purging? And also, does it happen from the heart or the mind? I was just re-watching Leo's video on "What Is God? - Leo Becomes Absolute Infinity" and he talked about how he "didn't feel anything" but at the same time he said something like: there was so much love, it was being poured down my throat and I felt like coughing it up, so I'm confused whether he felt love or not, or maybe I'm misunderstanding what infinite love is, is not a feeling?

So far what I've concluded is that there is a lot of resistance to accepting the suffering in my heart and that's where I'm carrying most of my emotional trauma. What have have been your experience with relating emotional healing and enlightenment? 

[Vladimir]

What's the point of enlightenment if you don't get healed in the process?

[dorg]

@Vladimir You are expecting a bit much if you think that all your troubles will be washed away in some big event. Emotions are caused by going into thought, so to 'heal' emotions is to not be involved in thought/belief. You are obviously still heavily invested in thought/belief.

Suggest returning to the cushion and self inquiry in order to 'reduce the distance' between being and where you are, ie between openness and lost in thought.

Edited April 4, 2018 by dorg

[Erlend K]

No, enlightenment will not necesarily heal your traumas.

Are you currently seeing a therapist?

[cirkussmile]

If you go into enlightenment and expect to change your personality you will be disappointed.

When we resist what is we will find ourselves in hell. You got scared because Truth is everything else than what you expect. 

Do you have a daily meditation practice? That will help you combined with that you completely stop focusing on previous experiences. Go with what you have and go slow <3

[Nahm]

@Vladimir That’s so terrible to hear. I feel for you! I’ve had a very opposite path, so I might be helpful to you. I have not done ayahuasca, or 5meo, only shrooms & tea. I experience the unfathomable love. The first experience involved reality slowly being ‘dismantled’, one color at a time, until it was gone, and all that was left was a big fat nondual love.  It overwhelms me almost everyday, for about eight months now. Hands and knees, just balling out joy. I often have to leave a social or public setting, and go in my car or in a bathroom. Sounds ridiculous I know, but it’s awesome. Folks on the forum understandably noted it was a bit much, so I tone it down. Lol. It is absurd sounding. For a few months, I was ‘working on capacity’ cause I can’t like hold it, or contain it. Might sound odd, but when someone is encountering something shitty, or sharing something terrible, I get filled with love and a downright unreal happiness. Not happy they’re hurting of course, it’s not psychological, it’s all encompassing. I was in an accident yesterday, I have a large goose egg on the side of my head, a fracture in my foot, and my shoulder is messed up pretty bad. But when I read your post, love filled me up and I just wanna help. 

Pm me anytime, maybe we can come up with a solution for you. 

 

Trip wise, the dosage is critical, both in terms of a slow build up, and then a high enough dose to ‘breakthrough’. I’ve seen people take 2 g’s of shrooms and have a real bad time. I’ve also seen people take 4g’s and just LOVE IT, but not integrate a damn thing. So maybe you had enough to provoke the hell out of the ego, but not breakthrough? Maybe you didn’t have enough build up - too much too soon? Maybe the foundation is the issue (practices)? I doubt it’s a theory issue. 

As a broad stroke, the underlying factor to the best of my understanding, is that each of us are creating the whole thing (illusion). We can hold the past, or we be present now, and create from here on out. Accepting that the past does not exist, especially when there was trauma, is no short order. And of course, paradoxically, it’s exactly what stands to set us free. Just a few little activities everyday, which are creative, can align a connection to this love & freedom. 

Also, contemplating what love is, might be a good idea. People rarely do this. I suppose they figure it’s some chemical thing. Which it is, but only by default, as it is all things. Once you tap into it, then it just becomes more and more obvious. There’s a Horton hear’s a Who situation goin on here, but Horton is Love. 

[Vladimir]

21 hours ago, cirkussmile said:

If you go into enlightenment and expect to change your personality you will be disappointed.

When we resist what is we will find ourselves in hell. You got scared because Truth is everything else than what you expect. 

Do you have a daily meditation practice? That will help you combined with that you completely stop focusing on previous experiences. Go with what you have and go slow <3

Thank you for a reminder on taking it slow, I do have a daily meditation practice and recently started focusing on developing metta. I realized after these terrorizing psychedelic experiences that this is very delicate process that must be adjusted for an individual. I arrogantly went into it thinking "I'm going to face my greatest fears and release my deepest emotional trauma" and now I'm taking things slowly.

Quote

 

Trip wise, the dosage is critical, both in terms of a slow build up, and then a high enough dose to ‘breakthrough’. I’ve seen people take 2 g’s of shrooms and have a real bad time. I’ve also seen people take 4g’s and just LOVE IT, but not integrate a damn thing. So maybe you had enough to provoke the hell out of the ego, but not breakthrough? Maybe you didn’t have enough build up - too much too soon? Maybe the foundation is the issue (practices)? I doubt it’s a theory issue. 

As a broad stroke, the underlying factor to the best of my understanding, is that each of us are creating the whole thing (illusion). We can hold the past, or we be present now, and create from here on out. Accepting that the past does not exist, especially when there was trauma, is no short order. And of course, paradoxically, it’s exactly what stands to set us free. Just a few little activities everyday, which are creative, can align a connection to this love & freedom. 

 

@Nahm Yes you nailed it brother, I haven't been able to break through. I actually don't think I'm ready to completely let go and break through, so I'm concentrating more on gradual healing at this time. You're also right about too much too soon and not having enough foundation. I only had very limited meditation practice and one Vipassana retreat before I started taking psychedelics. My first several mushrooms trips and Ayahuasca ceremonies were very gentle to me, but it all went down hill after that encounter with non-duality. Ever since that episode I have flashbacks of it when using even small doses of psychedelics which makes me very uneasy to say the least. 

[kieranperez]

23 hours ago, Erlend K said:

No, enlightenment will not necesarily heal your traumas.

Are you currently seeing a therapist?

People need to grasp this