Self-harm

[Matt23]

Heyo.

So I've been having a pretty up and down life, especially since graduating back in 2010.

Tons of anger and self-hate, which may be resulting from how I was treated/ or perceived I was treated growing up.  I definitely felt and feel emotionally ignored, like my pain doesn't matter.  So growing up, and now, I might have suppressed the emotional pain, thinking I didn't deserve to express it or tell others about it.  

Why?....One idea I have is that it has something to do with how my family dynamic was.  I felt like I was emotionally ignored and, therefore, never expressed these emotions or feelings when others hurt me.

Dunno.

But I have in the past few years done a little hitting myself (pretty infrequently) as a source to mask the pain.  

More recently I have really started punching myself in the head.  I feel like I don't deserve happiness or love and feel like I'm a bad person.  

My view is that I was always seen as the "golden child", the one who couldn't do any bad, and my brother was the opposite.  I guess I felt like I didn't matter because I never felt like anyone was concerned for me because they were always concerned about him.  I've tried expressing my hurt various times in my life (when family has hurt me) but I was usually/always put down or it wasn't taken "seriously".  I felt like my emotions were "put down".

(this feels like I'm making more sense writing this down  )

 

Does anyone have any similar stories or techniques that have helped them with similar issues?

I'd love to hear about them to help me go through what I've been feeling.  

Perhaps I'm narcissistic? I dunno.  My sister told me I was being that way once.

[abrakamowse]

Everything is just a story that the ego creates. You are not really narcissistic, the ego is created by our environment, our friends, relatives, colleagues, teachers, school, etc.

In reality the ego is not something real. So anything you think that you are not worthy, that you are a failure or whatever it appears in your consciousness is not true.

I suggest you doing mindful meditation, learn to observe your thoughts without getting in the "story" they tell.

And listen to Alan Watts, he has tons of videos in youtube. This one is Key IMO

 

 

 

[Aethereus]

From what you have said I see that you're NOT narcissistic, don't believe anything you're being told. To me it sounds like you're neurotic, you have low self-esteem and probably OCD. This is just my own conclusion though, but I have similar issues.

Now that's not something to worry much about but here's what I recommend to improve your situation: Start a meditation habit and watch some of Leo's videos about neuroticism and self-esteem. That will give you a good start and from there you will find your own path

[Matt23]

Thanks guys. 

abrakamowse:  Have you used mindful labeling to detach from stories, etc.?  If so, was it a gradual process?  Did you get to a point where you completely detached from the story (no longer ruled by it)?  I've done lots of mindful labeling and these thoughts and emotions (stories) still come up, though I'm able to deal with them way better.