Feeling angry about regular life

[Paan]

Ive noticed on myself that im feeling angry and kinda grumpy about the everyday life that family and friends inc. me are living.

Let me start by saying I noticed this first on family gatherings were I didnt anticipated in any conversation because to me it wasnt interestering and I think people around noticed that something was up with me cause i was so quiet. If I were to join a conversation it would just feel false to me, I just have this feeling of sitting in the background and listen to other talk, i dont like coldtalks. I dont have that urge anymore to fill the void of silence that I had before.

BUT, the problem is that I notice myself at the same time judging the others for not knowing how deluded they actually are, also making myself above them. 

I’m being very grumpy and hard, like im the ”know it all”. From the outside I bet it looks like that but on the inside im like ” why am i like this”. 

I just have this feeling that its useless to talk about everday stuff, this also affects my job. At work I just want people to chill and to not take things so damn serious, because that what most people do. They work like crazy and make it the most important thing, stuff has to be done and we ”have” to reach certain goals. To me its like I dont even care, and that is also my concern.

Dont get me wrong, I want to be anticipating in conversations for example or work but it doesnt feel right to me and I dont know why... Im feeling alot of resistance to it. Doesnt matter what work I do or who im talking to, its a resistance not to get involved. Maybe because there is some unresolved issue that I need to take care of but I dont know what.

For me im more focusing on my Kriya yoga, actualized.org etc. Thats the most important for me and I want to think and talk about that. But no one would get it.

Ive held my Kriya and meditation pratice a secret for my GF for a while because first of all I dont want to talk about it and making it a bit deal, secondly I dont want my GF to think Im wierd. She has seen all my books and she thinks they are really wierd, thats fine with me as long as I can read them. Now she knows about the meditation to and shes fine with that, she just doesnt get what benefits that comes with it. Apart from that I dont talk so much about this topic, i keep it to myself. If someone would to ask I would gladely talk about it but im kinda clumsy with words so maybe it would sound even wierder then it is.

Maybe i feel misplaced? Maybe im just angry for people not knowing more about actualization? Maybe Im angry at myself for not opening myself fully to other people? Maybe im scared? Maybe I havent found my life purpose and thats why I dont get involved in work?

Thank you for reading this! Be well!

[Paulus Amadeus]

I fall in exactly the same trap myself. I think it's part ego bullshit and part genuine desinterest. I would advise you to do your best to make conversations fun anyway. Stear the subject of the conversations to things you do find interesting and see if you can challenge yourself to eject postive energy and fun in every conversation. This is pretty easy and people will love you for it. You will find that if you bring a little bit of social intelligence and good energy in the mix you can talk about many things and people will respond well to it. So surely you can talk about (parts of) your actualization journey as well!

Ps. If your girlfriend is not in on such a big part of your life than that is not a healthy situation in my opinion. I would consider letting her in on the whole thing or dumping her and finding a girlfriend that suits you better. 

[Paan]

46 minutes ago, Paulus Amadeus said:

I fall in exactly the same trap myself. I think it's part ego bullshit and part genuine desinterest. I would advise you to do your best to make conversations fun anyway. Stear the subject of the conversations to things you do find interesting and see if you can challenge yourself to eject postive energy and fun in every conversation. This is pretty easy and people will love you for it. You will find that if you bring a little bit of social intelligence and good energy in the mix you can talk about many things and people will respond well to it. So surely you can talk about (parts of) your actualization journey as well!

Ps. If your girlfriend is not in on such a big part of your life than that is not a healthy situation in my opinion. I would consider letting her in on the whole thing or dumping her and finding a girlfriend that suits you better. 

 @Paulus Amadeus Thank you for replying  about my GF, its more my fault that she is not involved as much, I dont talk to much about it and I like having it for myself. At least til I know how to really communicate it. She is not against it at all, she herself is not as interested in it as I am. Im fine with that, perhaps she isnt as openminded as me but eventually she might ask more and more about it as im growing.

[dude]

@Paan I Recomend Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton. Talks about how you create masks (like withholding things from your GF) to manipulate the people around you and how this fucks you up internally. Because now you're acting out your mask and not sharing yourself. I got the exact same problem, dumped my GF. Slowly starting to talk more about what the fuck I'm up to when I am locked in my room plotting on self development lol. Even told my parents when and where I did the drugs they didn't want me to take. That shit is really scary to do.

[Elisabeth]

I empathize. It seems to be a pretty common experience that people can't talk about self-actualization much. Thankfully I've found friends whom I can talk to about some aspects (and I do recommend a bit of radical honesty for that), but I know the feeling pretty well where I sit at a family meeting or being part of about any superficial conversation trying to just not look TOO bored and disinterested. Only for me, it has pretty much always been that way, even before I knew self-actualization, I always was interested in just a few not-so-well-known topics. Don't take on guilt for being different - it's a fact for some of us.

Having the courage to excuse yourself and go read a book helps a lot actually. Developing conversation skills to the point where you can bring up the stuff you're interested in helps too. Cultivating an interest in at least something that's mainstream is also good (if you don't like politics and sports, than culture, travel or jokes may be better options). Non of it saves you.

So I don't really know how to help social events but with your friends and your girlfriend you should really take a different approach. Make a point of exposing yourself. Be vulnerable, show your interests, show what's important to you. Not in a forceful "I'm doing more than you" way - just mention it here and there and be prepared to answer if someone asks. Be also prepared to listen and appreciate if people open up in turn. You may loose some of your friends if they mock you in response to your openness, but you'll find the hidden gems between them who can understand but have been keeping their stuff secret. And, have the conversation about how self-actualization is a value to you with your gf (don't expect her to resonate with the exact same stuff though).

31 minutes ago, dude said:

@Paan Even told my parents when and where I did the drugs they didn't want me to take. That shit is really scary to do.

 

How did that one go? I'm having a decision to make if I should move back into my parents' house or not. One thing I'm afraid of is having to hide where I've been if I go to seminars, like tantra or holotropic breathwork, or should I decide to take psychedelics. It's must be no fun to be integrating something profound (thus obviously not being quite my social self) and meeting mom in the hallway.

I'm quite unwilling to make things up. So the 'what was your weekend like?' 'ah, it was good... (awkward silence because I can't say I did some sexual shadowork)'  aspect of the parent-child relationship bothers me currently the most  

[dude]

@Elisabeth Well I'm lucky I have such open minded parents. Made a distinction between mind numbing and mind activating substances, told them about it. They are okay with it. Also opened up about some emotional stuff beforehand so they kind of got in a accepting mood 

When you tell it in context of your life it helps. When I said it helped me understand myself and how I differ from usual go happy shallow people how it helps me to become happier and more loving of myself and seeing some barriers I created to hold people out when in the altered state. Also told them that I'm not fucking stupid and I do extensive research.

I think the parent child relationship is bullshit. I talk to my parents like their my friends or at least equals. Still my mother sometimes gets defensive because she still likes to control me but then I just say "You're trying to push your world views on me I can handle that myself now" or I jokingly say "Yes mom, okay mom, thanks mom, I love you mom" lol. But I'm lucky parents wise. success If you decide to move back in, it can be hard sometimes.

Edited April 3, 2018 by dude

[Rachityczny]

3 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

I'm quite unwilling to make things up. So the 'what was your weekend like?' 'ah, it was good... (awkward silence because I can't say I did some sexual shadowork)'  aspect of the parent-child relationship bothers me currently the most  

 

Well, how about you say you did personal development and/or shadowork, and if somebody asks your for more details, you just say it`s your private thing, and you wouldn`t like to talk about it or something along these lines?

You would be more honest and maintain your privacy

Edited April 3, 2018 by Rachityczny

[i am I AM]

You don't need to be concerned about these emotions...respect how you feel on the inside (your concerns from the 4th and last par.) because that is who you really are. That is the way by which you are perceived.

[i am I AM]

@Paulus Amadeus What you were describing is 100% ego bullshit, indeed. 

Edited April 4, 2018 by i am I AM
too many emojis 4 now

[Forestluv]

You seem unsatisfied with what is surfacing in life and consumed with creating a reality you find appealing. This is an unending cycle of suffering fir the self.

To become liberated, I would first contemplate. . . you are not the chooser. You have no choice.

 

[student]

 By looking outside, at others, you are just looking at your past self. That is who you were in the past. Now you are making changes and continue to make changes. Things are improving for yourself, you start to get disgusted by the "egotistical" ego, about the "evil" that is surrounding you, about what actual "death" is - lack of knowledge and consciousness. The irritation that you feel, or the hatred will someday in the future be surpassed, because this is just your current temper that needs to be developed. Don't run from who you are, and trust yourself. Good conversations come when you feel a sincere desire to communicate, to know the other, when you have sincere love and friendliness. If you participate in something you don't want to, you will only fool yourself and suffer/endure the consequences later. What you are experiencing is just another stage that must be surpassed (and you know this, you feel this, by feeling an imbalance). Keep doing yoga and meditation and keep observing others and yourself, your reaction, where you lack things, what should be improved, what you don't like about your present situation etc. Keep always doing this and you will reach a more harmonious "stage".

Edited April 6, 2018 by student

[PsiloPutty]

@student  Man, that was a good post. Helped me a good bit. 

[Revolutionary Think]

I got the same exact problem I hate small talk. I found this article that I can relate to a lot. https://www.elitedaily.com/life/why-you-hate-small-talk/1461552