How Do I Make The Paradigm Shift To Experience Real Growth?

[yimno07]

Hi, I'm in high school. Leo's last video made me realize that my current way of doing things, searching for more success in social situations and with girls, may not be the answer for filling the empty hole inside me. I believe that deep down I need this success to gratify the self-image that I am attractive and outgoing. I've been doing meditation, visualizations, and affirmations, but I don't know how to address the root of the problem causing me to chase fake growth, and getting depressed when I don't get it. Any thoughts?

Thank you

[Kelley White]

56 minutes ago, yimno07 said:

Leo's last video made me realize that my current way of doing things, searching for more success in social situations and with girls, may not be the answer for filling the empty hole inside me.

Hi @yimno07.  Nice to meet you.  Which video of Leo's are you referring too?

"Filling the empty  hole....."  Which empty hole?  What does that feel like?  Where does that feeling come from? 

57 minutes ago, yimno07 said:

I believe that deep down I need this success to gratify the self-image

I can relate to this.  I had to ask myself if it was true?  What is success?  What does success look like for you?  What is self image? 

59 minutes ago, yimno07 said:

self-image that I am attractive and outgoing

Are  you attractive and outgoing?  I don't know so I am asking?  Maybe you are attractive and being outgoing is challenging?  Is this the self you are or the self you believe you "should" be?

1 hour ago, yimno07 said:

root of the problem causing me to chase fake growth

Are you really chasing fake growth?  You are here.  That is more than many will do in a lifetime.     If you really think you are?  Where do you feel your most inauthentic?  What do you avoid the most?  Where are you wounded? These might  give you some clues?

1 hour ago, yimno07 said:

getting depressed when I don't get it

"Get what?"  What "It" is there to "get" in your mind?

If you are feeling depressed what triggered the feeling?  What can you do to shift your own focus.

This began my shift about five years ago....

 

[yimno07]

When I was younger, I didn't fit in and wasn't attractive. Even though now that I am attractive and do fit in, I feel disconnected because when I'm in a social situation my thoughts are centered around what others are thinking of me. This is because somewhere along the way, the belief was ingrained in me that I only have worth and am only truly ok, if others think so. What I think I truly need deep down is to have an unconditional sense of worth that is not based on how well I believe I am being who I should be. So far my para-dime to get the sense of worth and belonging has been to get a new girlfriend or make new friends, because I believe that that success and validation will act as a signal telling me that it's finally ok to stop chasing and to accept myself. And when I don't get that validation and get rejected, that acts like an assertion to my fears that I am somehow deep down defective or needing of more muscles, social skills, and better looks.

I essentially base my worth on whether or not I feel others approve of me. How do I change this?

[yimno07]

How can meditation and inner looking be used for this

 

[ZenDog]

@yimno07

 

 

[ZenDog]

21 hours ago, yimno07 said:

 So far my para-dime to get the sense of worth and belonging has been to get a new girlfriend or make new friends, because I believe that that success and validation will act as a signal telling me that it's finally ok to stop chasing and to accept myself. And when I don't get that validation and get rejected, that acts like an assertion to my fears that I am somehow deep down defective or needing of more muscles, social skills, and better looks.

Im in quite the same situation. I used to have severe shyness. First 4 months of first grade I couldn't enter the classroom because I was terrified of all the new people. In middle school I was fat and ugly and got no validation. 

Around the age of 18 I lost alot of weight and got quite jacked and now I can deadlift 550 pounds. Girls and Guys tell me all the time how good looking I am, how buff I am, how smart I am etc.. 

After all this positive validation I feel almost exactly the same. I got into pickup and that helped alot with confidence with girls. It definetely helped with dealing with social rejection, because when you first start doing pickup mostly all you will get is hard rejections after rejections, and after a while you stop caring. But eventough I have become quite numb to social rejection, I still have a desperate need for social approval. Even when I get social approval, it's never enough I always need more. 

Im trying to find the route inner cause, I think the video I posted above might have some of the answers.