Feeling Lost

[Leightonm]

I feel like a prisoner in this world. I assume this is the reason why some choose to commit suicide. To escape the matrix. As the ultimate fuck you to whoever placed us here. 

I am not suicidal, nor depressed, but I admit that I do recognise some aspects of these conditions within me. I have adopted a non-seeking behaviour (or perhaps a passive-seeking behaviour). Why do I need to perform all these practices to realise something I didn't ask for? Why do I need to wake up everyday in a reality I didn't ask to be in, to follow a sequence of events that I don't believe in? 

It feels like groundhog day, except very very real. But I do admit I don't really know what real means. I don't have anything to compare it to. This realness just doesn't seem to give a fuck. It's indifferent. And for that reason I don't give a fuck about it... At times. At other times it seem to be one hell of an interesting place to be in, beyond beautiful. But this view is not pervasive.

Is this an egoic mechanism at work, me trying to attack God, but only hurting myself in the process? Probably, but I can't seem to escape it. This perspective is persistent.

The doubt and lack of trust I've experienced from the start of this journey has increased. It's like I'm trying to keep myself from knowing. Whenever I start to make progress in any practice, be it breathing exercises, Samadhi meditation, or psychedelic breakthroughs, I just seem to be pulled? back into complacency and homeostasis. It seems like I'm worse off than I was at the beginning. The frustration, wanting, needing, craving, desire is overwhelming. It makes my mind uneasy. Meditation does not help to lessen the uneasiness I'm experiencing. Neither does introspection. It makes it worse. For that reason I have considered giving up, or at the very least taking a break from all this. But I can't do that either. Not while I know that this path could lead to salvation. 

I'm feeling kinda lost at the moment, because I have no freaking clue what's going on, or what to do.

Edited March 31, 2018 by Leightonm
Typos

[How to be wise]

@Leightonm this can change your life:

 

[Dovahkiin]

@Leightonm first know that the path you’re on, meditation, etc can be destabilizing and this is normal. If you do these practices you’re bound to be confused sometimes. 

 

Second id suggest not feeding too much into this mental chatter (eg “the realness doesn’t seem to give a fuck,” “am I trying to attack God?”). It’s very unlikely you can analyze / think your way out of all the murky, confusing ideas floating around in your head, even though your mind is surely making you feel like that’s exactly what you should do. 

 

All you can do is accept your reality right now, and try to take in that it’s impermanent. An actual understanding of impermanence is of course better than an intellectual one (and this should come in time and practice), but try to keep in mind that the negative moods pass, having a depressed thought/feeling doesn’t mean you need to adopt depression as your identity - you can feel that way sometimes and accept that you feel that way - it’s ok

 

id also just add that if you’re feeling overly serious / weighed down by these existential questions, there’s nothing wrong with just doing something enjoyable, hanging out with friends, doing a hobby and being light for a little bit, giving yourself permission to temporarily stop worrying about these big questions. 

[cetus]

 

@Leightonm

Ayla
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Ayla
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Posted March 19, 2016 · Report post

This is intended as a guide and a sharing of experiences after the initial "seeing". 

A little bit of an explanation: 

After initial seeing of the reality of no self, mind will begin to come back with a vengeance for a while, probing into the most intimate corners of your being, as if to ask if you are sure that you want to pursue this.

First attack is usually: 

"what you saw was either not real or you didn't see it at all or you've imagined it" etc. This is where people usually get lost. For some, they go back to believing their minds. They lost touch with their inner intelligence because they are so caught up in fears and lack of self trust. They stop seeing the help that is being given to them in order to transcend, lose insights and intuition, only to come back to them weeks or months or years later - usually due to life frustrations that keeps pushing them to continue. 

Solution: deepen your seeing. Keep inquiring who is the one that doesn't believe, Keep going back into "observer mode". Don't believe anything you mind is telling you. IT IS NOT REAL! 

Once you have deepened your seeing, You will receive some kind of help through synchronicity, new openings, new forms of seeing the reality and understanding it.

Second series of attacks involve your deepest programming and insecurities. Situations will present themselves to trigger what you cling to as a person. It will seem VERY real and frightening. This is where a guide is very important. Someone that can keep you steady and focused so that you don't give up. Different dynamics in the job area, family area, interpersonal relationships are beginning to manifest and everyone around you will try to pull you back into who they need you to be. 

I call such attacks HELL. They have a feeling about them that is so definitive, like a surgeon that cuts off parts of yourself. BTW, they will only cut parts of who you are not, of your own illusory construction. 

How to deal with such attacks. Usually during the first attacks of this type, you completely "lose it". You lose the seeing, the observer, the guide, the God and everything seems to go into a full panic mode. Body reacts in a myriad of ways - pains, aches, shaking, vomiting, trouble breathing, sharp knives, cold, hot, etc. Mind is going completely bonkers. If you can get in touch with the one that sees that and just let it happen, if you stop pushing it away, if you can fully feel the body's reactions, it will pass. 

Use any or all of these "affirmations" :

this has come and it will go
this is only tearing apart things which I am not
I am seeing all of this, it is not me
I cannot be killed
let go
It is also very possible that you also lose the confidence and the trust in your guide at this time, because of the association of mind: "it is because of this person that I am into this mess". You need to prepare for this one in advance. Build trust and look into this, BEFORE. A good guru or guide will warn you about this and put in place techniques to reach out to him in those moments. I have a list of videos and one or two people to help me when/if this still arises. The help consists in the reassurance that all that's needed is to stay as the Self and watch all this. 

There's also a strong pull to just go back to sleep during this phase, as you see your self-made construction dissolve. It can manifest as suicidal thoughts, refusal to continue the looking, negating the guide, going back into certain pattern of behavior, throwing away all the books, deleting the videos, etc etc. Those, are also thoughts and you need to look at them as such. Keep going in. 

As an ending to this initial post, I want to say that if you read this and you know what I'm talking about, hopefully it will help you stay on the right track and reassure you. 

Every Enlightened Master has passed through this narrow space in order to transcend. For each of us, the experience seems different but it has the same roots and flavors. Keep in mind that TRUTH NEVER ATTACKS YOU, and if it does, it only attacks parts of who you are not! 

 

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[i am I AM]

Actually, wouldn't this indicate a great achievement for you to not accept only consistency, or as you wrote:"Groundhog Day"?

Wouldnt you say the intuition of this is vital to your keeping within your spiritual path? 

Enlightened spiritual teacher appears to you to be inconsistent. Think about what is perfectly consistent on your--path. An immutable truth or law, like the Pythagorean Theorum, perhaps? Or whatever it may be for you.

Is it helping you or guiding you forward , or is "outer" change(s)/inconsistency?

[Jedd]

On 01/04/2018 at 7:56 AM, Dovahkiin said:

Second id suggest not feeding too much into this mental chatter (eg “the realness doesn’t seem to give a fuck,” “am I trying to attack God?”). It’s very unlikely you can analyze / think your way out of all the murky, confusing ideas floating around in your head, even though your mind is surely making you feel like that’s exactly what you should do. 

@Dovahkiin I often think deeply about life and more often than not its due to a dark mood so to speak. When I'm in a lighter mood I do this too but don't feel like I have to navigate so much. Since taking the life purpose course I've found navigating through these difficulties to have improved quite significantly. Except I experience low moods for quite lengthy periods (weeks) followed by short period of euphoria (days) and this can all be confusing for somebody who has only just finished school. I experienced quite a bit of insomnia too before taking the course too I think this could be due to underlying problems psychologically. Do you or anyone else reading this have any advice for me I hope someday I can reduce the length of these periods of suffering.

[Dovahkiin]

@Jedd aside from practicing equaniminity as best you can - trying to accept your experience that the mind is labeling as bad and just be with what’s happening - I think counseling / therapy can be very helpful for anyone. For the sleep itself a bedtime routine often helps, but for the root of the issue, if you can afford it, seeing a counselor could be really helpful. 

[Dovahkiin]

To be clear I’m all for contemplation. But brooding monkey mind loops of chatter masquerading as contemplation, especially when in a dark mood, are no good. I’m definitely guilty of this. 

[Jedd]

@Dovahkiin In terms of equanimity I've created a meditation routine soon after waking up of a morning. Have considered counselling there is some fear there as I probably don't want to be found out or be put on meds etc. I also am probably in need of guidance when it comes to contemplation as I believe most of what I am doing is simply making my monkey mind louder at times.