How to deal with my needy, flingy girlfriend

[IvanV21]

She is my first GF and Im her first BF. Allthough Im not super attracted physically to her I really love spending time with her and like the fact that she is my GF.

But I got a problem with this relatioship. She is very needy and clingy. The days that we dont see each other are caotic because she ask like 50+ times if i like her in whatsapp.

I will explain some examples of her being needy and clingy:

• She asked me if i wanted to be with her for the rest of my life and I said that honestly I didnt know at that present moment and she got sad and a discussion started.
• I was going to a party with male friends and she autoinvited her to the party so i had to go with her
• next week after that, i was going to another party with her and carefully i told her that i wanted to go alone (without her) and she got sad and a discussion started.
• she went to a 2 week vacation and she was super needy of my attention

I really want her in my life but all the energy i spent in discussions about stupid things is making me tired.

[aurum]

@IvanV21

You don't deal with her, you make a better decision next time you choose who is going to be your girlfriend. Break it off.

That sounds harsh but you can't control her or fix whatever emotional issues she has. That's not your responsibility.

And next time you go to commit to a girl, test the waters first. What happens if you suddenly don't text back for a couple days? What happens if you bring a female friend around? If she freaks out at those kind of things, you can expect it will only get way worse once you're actually together.

[Psyche_92]

40 minutes ago, IvanV21 said:

She is very needy and clingy. The days that we dont see each other are caotic because she ask like 50+ times if i like her in whatsapp.

I will explain some examples of her being needy and clingy:

• She asked me if i wanted to be with her for the rest of my life and I said that honestly I didnt know at that present moment and she got sad and a discussion started.
• I was going to a party with male friends and she autoinvited her to the party so i had to go with her
• next week after that, i was going to another party with her and carefully i told her that i wanted to go alone (without her) and she got sad and a discussion started.
• she went to a 2 week vacation and she was super needy of my attention

[eskwire]

21 hours ago, aurum said:

@IvanV21

You don't deal with her, you make a better decision next time you choose who is going to be your girlfriend. Break it off.

That sounds harsh but you can't control her or fix whatever emotional issues she has. That's not your responsibility.

And next time you go to commit to a girl, test the waters first. What happens if you suddenly don't text back for a couple days? What happens if you bring a female friend around? If she freaks out at those kind of things, you can expect it will only get way worse once you're actually together.

@IvanV21 Take the above ^ with some context. Aurum is probably much older than you and your girlfriend. Y'all seem like you're teenagers and that is surely a big part of your issue. 

Don't just suddenly stop messaging a girl for 2 days. If she is used to hearing from you multiple times a day and you suddenly stop messaging for 2 whole days, what do you think she is going to think? She might think you got seriously hurt. That doesn't make her crazy, that makes you a dick. And if you are going to bring around female friends to test her jealousy, double check yourself about whether or not you are actually ok with her having male friends. Not theoretically - really.

That's all a tangent, but I found it misogynistic and needed to respond.

Back to your issue - yes, she sounds needy and clingy. That is a big energy drain for you and I don't think you can help her fix it. She needs to grow up in her own time. 

[egoeimai]

Its going to end soon.

She will mature, youll move on.

All right.

Life goes on.

[Phrae]

This guy wrote something really nice.

"The false concept of female devotion—the woman’s traditional role of catering to men—is addictive to man, just as the concept of male lust, which is stirred up by that role playing, is addictive to woman. When the female supports the male’s weakness in order to obligate him to serve her selfish ends, she eventually experiences the result of her love in terms of frustration and betrayal. Through her use of man’s weakness (his ego), she weakens him further.

This leaves him susceptible to the same temptation she offers when it is presented from other sources, so that frustration and betrayal become the result of her supportive love (use). For women, gratification is more an ego-mental experience than a physical one, while for men it is mostly a physical event. Either way, selfishly cultivated gratification leads to guilt, frustration, and resentment, which amplify the need for frustrating “love.”

It is a vicious cycle."

You really want her in your life? That's needy too. You need to deal with her. Why are you concerned about changing her behavior? Don't concern yourself and talk to her whenever you want to. Show her how it's gonna be and if she don't like it you can show her the door.

You literally need to disengage when she is sad or depressed about decisions you make. You sound like you're trying to please her when she's sad. Show indignation and anger when she is sad and tell her she's not being responsible and decrease contact. She will learn after a couple of repetitions.

You have bad habits around her. She seems to have weakened you. You cannot fudge. She will test you but so long as you're being rational and fair you shouldn't care too much. 

She definitely is displaying super high interest. If you fuck up her you can lose her pretty hard. She will like the man whom she can't move more than you eventually. If you don't want to lose her it's precise reason to make sure that you game her properly and don't please her when she's bitchy. Be assertive and that's going to be perceived as assholery on her part. Give an explanation that the only thing she can do is accept.

[Charlotte]

On 31/03/2018 at 7:59 AM, Psyche_92 said:

+1

[Nahm]

@IvanV21 Come on man. I mean, you’re making a point to say you’re not attracted to her, and referring to her as your girlfriend. An older woman would see this, but a younger one in this case obviously doesn’t. You’re keepin her round until someone you are attracted to comes about, and asking why it’s causing troubles for you. Just trace these things back to you, and they get pretty clear. 

[Scenario]

@IvanV21 Be happy and grateful about it. Some day she'll leave you and then you'll be the desperate one. Believe me this because it happened to me. 

My ex was needy and clingy and wanted to marry me and move in together etc... I didn't work hard enough on our relationship and took her for granted. The day she broke up with me I became the one she was.

[Prabhaker]

@IvanV21

How to Ruin Your Relationship

 

 

[Vipassana]

give her a link to this exact page and ask her how she feels 

[pluto]

Romantic Relationships don't work because they are an immature construct of ignorance of modern society. A Spiritual Connection(lets say) on the other hand when two mature souls meet is something that can literally change worlds.

Sure there is nothing wrong with experience and lessons but sooner or later you will realize, until you are spiritually mature yourself you will continuously circulate the same people/situations that will only bring more suffering and confusion because you can only attract what is a vibrational match as you are.

I almost felt like i de-volved by sticking to a toxic relationship far too long when i had already matured past that nonsense phase via the unconditional love and genuine expression of self. Letting go of attachments is one of the biggest challenges people face today but also one of the most liberating feelings one can ever experience when they finally do it whole.

The longer we stick around to what we have grown past the more challenging it becomes to let go. Observing your post, i believe you are slightly more evolved than your partner since you're the one here seeking help and expressing yourself genuinely and not gossiping about it.

Honesty and Communication are key for relationships, if that doesn't work its only going to bring more unnecessary suffering.

[Key Elements]

To me, it sounds like the both of you started your relationship too young. To have a "crush" and then infatuation in a relationship is normal at the beginning of a relationship. These problems of neediness show up in the behaviours of the couple. But then, sooner or later, the both of you have to realize how to develop yourselves independently without emotional attachment. If you could do this without breaking up, that's a mature behaviour. Notice that I cannot be the one who tell you whether or not you should break up. No one can. The couple know their relationship more than anyone else.

I know that a functional relationship involves two independent ppl who know themselves and tackle with life. They try their best independently. They know themselves deeply and know they're unique. When they come together, they know how to work as a team and not call it quits. However, I don't exactly know what's the next baby step decision for you toward that. Relationships are very personal to have an outsider tell you.

Another note: the process of going from a disfunctional relationship to a functional one is not perfect. Nothing in life is. It all takes work.