Teenager in search for answers

[Feliks912]

Hello everyone!

This is my first post on the forum.

I am 19 and in my first relationship lasting around 9 months now.

 

I get emotional looking at (very) attractive girls, knowing "my" girlfriend is not such.

Jealousy, anger, blame, insecurity and cramps in my face are what occurs when I get into a habit of thinking about how I can't and won't be able to fuck these girls.

It's getting pretty damn boring at this point. It puts me in a place (for greater good?) of doubting my decision of being with her.

I've entered the relationship with scarcity in my mind, in my opinion too early for it to be good.

Not putting any weight on her shoulders (I am tho...), she is a bit overweight and has limited time outside on behalf her strict family.

Nothing I couldn't walk over on longer time periods, she is very fucking smart and wants to grow. I know she would "become better" over time.

 

However, I am not content with not being with any other girl in this period.

Something eats me inside, or so I perceive it. Might be my ego, might be my conscience (LOL NOT, please don't mention unconditional love, this is faaaar more primitive than that).
 

In one hand, I know she is a great girl.

Hard to find one like her.

In other, I want to experience others.

 

I am currently attending college, with many attractive girls around, some seeming attracted to me as well.

It's difficult thinking about it, so I try not to. I goes well, yes... In fact, when I'm happy with myself, I'm happy for us as well.

However, thoughts arrive, curiosity arrives, even some guilt (been managing that one though) when I look at THAT girl (you know). It ATTRACTS me.

I know, I know... It's JUST attraction.

...for real?

 

No, really!? For real? Is that JUST attraction?

Should I threat it as JUST that? I know there are many factors. Many many many many many... many factors (layers upon layers upon layers...) of why I feel that way.

I know there are benefits of being with one person.

WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S THE ONE.

Or at least, when you tried a few different "tastes", when you know that person is on the "same" path for you have found them there.

 

I doubt this is that person.

I am, however, open to be corrected, as she continually grows as one.


I've been a self-help armchair junkie sucking up that sweet sweet useless-if-not-acted-on knowledge for about 2 and a half years now.

Finally I've got the balls to make some changes, and I'm actively progressing.

I've been tripping on shrooms 3 times, and had some really damn profound experiences (I understood Jesus guys, the Truth (its shroom trip derivative at least) is so damn true you could bolt me on a cross and I still couldn't deny it yet I forgot the point just a few minutes after the trip and lit a few cigarettes (yes I smoke)).

Been meditating for about year and a half, ever since I've discovered Actualized.org (thank you Leo, your influence is profound).

Have been and currently am reading some books, bought Leo's book list...


Self-help, actualization and spirituality have made me stronger, more decisive, dedicated and calmer.


Yet my consciousness still doesn't touch this problem...


All in all, I am HESITANT.
One moment, all flowers.
Another, darkness, doubt, pain, guilt.

Wtf??

Is there an advice that could be (one more among many many) offered here?

Should I just boost my meditation? Be more strict with my schedule? Be LESS strict with my schedule? 

Is more self-improvement the answer? More understanding? More decisions?

I surely don't want to put the blinders on.

 

I'm clearly not emotionally stable, with hormones shooting through my body.

Currently I'm on no-fap (in the name of my cerebrospinal fluid) so expect this to be even more prominent with time.

Thank you all in advance, for your wonderful community nowhere to be found but here. And thank you Leo, for shit everyone here knows you did for us.

Feliks

Edited March 27, 2018 by Feliks912
misspells

[Key Elements]

Two quotes came into my mind when I read what you wrote.

1. "The grass is always greener on the other side."

You may see the other gals as more attractive and want to be with them. But, do you really? It may just be a feeling/urge. That's it. It's just like you've decided to be a teacher but see others becoming doctors, and you think they're happier because they make more $. Then, you try to become a doc, and it didn't work out. You rather be the teacher. Nothing is wrong in becoming a doc, but one is not better than the other. Relationships are more complicated. Of course it's not like switching jobs. But, you might just be experiencing this quote from what you said. That's all.

2. "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder."

Most likely society tells you what is "beautiful" in a gal's appearance. Try not to get easily pressured and buy into what anyone else says. Do you think, "bald is beautiful?" Not for a gal, right?

[aurum]

6 hours ago, Feliks912 said:

It's difficult thinking about it, so I try not to. I goes well, yes... In fact, when I'm happy with myself, I'm happy for us as well.

However, thoughts arrive, curiosity arrives, even some guilt (been managing that one though) when I look at THAT girl (you know). It ATTRACTS me.

I know, I know... It's JUST attraction.

...for real?

 

No, really!? For real? Is that JUST attraction?

Should I threat it as JUST that? I know there are many factors. Many many many many many... many factors (layers upon layers upon layers...) of why I feel that way.

Understand that your views towards relationships have largely been conditioned by your upbringing and society.

We are told things like monogamy = love, fidelity = love and that there's ONE SOULMATE (scarcity) out there for everyone.

In reality, these beliefs or agreements were simply created to serve the agenda of the people who were in the relationship and society at large.

So I don't think you're on some ego rampage, desperately trying to find the next girl to fill that void in your soul. I think what's happening in this situation is your innate desire for sexual freedom is clashing against your conditioning.

Notice that you said the emotion you're experiencing is guilt. That's almost a sure sign that you're suppressing something, which leads to problems. That suppression will turn into resentment for your girlfriend very fast because on some level you'll feel it's her fault.

Also, you said that your girlfriend isn't as attractive you'd like her to be. Doesn't make her a bad person, but you don't have to just sit back and let that happen either.

You can draw a boundary and date a more attractive girl if you want to. People will try to shame you for that, but the truth is that they're just afraid that they're not attractive enough and won't make the cut.

7 hours ago, Feliks912 said:

Should I just boost my meditation?

If you're not up to an hour a day, keep upping the time until you get there. Consider yoga too.

[Feliks912]

Thank you both for great and quick replies!

I've had an exam, so wasn't able to respond.

 

@Key Elements

I have thought of that for a while, indeed grass IS greener on the other side. That is also true when you cross, and I thought what it would be like to break up and do "what I want".

In short, I am not sure yet. There are many factors that limit my imagination at the moment. When I try to eliminate them with stories of "game" and how I can grow, it becomes more tempting, however, only the images of approach-talk-get-sex-instantly and stuff like that. Still, would be a great way to grow.

But so is being in a relationship. I have grown immensely since I started to suppress my desires for things I cannot have, and there have been many moments when I had to reevaluate my belief systems so I could function with that person. I guess we can call that becoming more mature(?).

 

"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder."

I have never actually taken that in consideration to such an extent. I am attracted to fit, pretty girls.

Now, I know there have been societies where they worshiped the fattest women for it was a symbol of wealth and well-fed(ness?).

Don't know how I could detach myself from it as of now... Seeing girls in those tight dresses makes my bones crawl... 

However I do believe in that since I have had experiences of seeing the source of everything, that is, I still identified it with myself (didn't die) but made me think where from it all comes.

Being actively surrounded with attractive girls on a daily basis doesn't help... More growth required for me to embody that one...

 

@aurum  

I have seen your posts and believe your judgement. 

Guilt and resentment rose up, some has been expressed, some hasn't. All came from the problem I'm describing and notation of not being free.

I never mentioned her this though, she would get really upset so I seek a way to deal with it myself so I can share the solutions, not the problems.

On the occasions where I did tell her there is something wrong (much broader than that), I have been greeted with tears and heavy insecurities.

I understand, she is a young woman after all, what can you expect? She didn't do anything wrong, just didn't rise up to my expectations, and I come and bash us (yes, I am in a relationship for selfish reasons. No, I didn't develop selfless feelings for her).

 

"You can draw a boundary and date a more attractive girl if you want to."

If the person I'm with didn't have the capacity of experiencing a single negative feeling associated with me breaking up and dating someone more attractive, I'd probably do it. She, however, has emotions, and I don't want to hurt her as she really didn't deserve it in any way (her pain would also hurt ME, duuh...)

Is this an indicator of a petty relationship? I'm not really black and white on that one...



Now, there have been a few realizations I've come about yesterday and today.


First one I realized a few minutes ago, that is, sometimes I am happy and other times, I am not.

Believe it or not, that was a big one, as I tried to push it into YES or NO category all time long. Either I DO like her or I DON'T... Well, it's a bit more complex now.


Second, I realized that if I want to have this relationship, I do actually have to sacrifice the wish of fucking other girls. That's QUITE a big sacrifice from my perspective since I got into self-development (all the way from Arash Dibazar) solely to "handle" them better (that is, "handle" them at all, I got rejected many times from girls I actually developed feelings for).

Now, I can't get rid of the notion that I have the "right" to insist for something from the other person just because I consider sacrificing that.

However, I really can't see where this will go. I am sight sensitive and I don't respond very well to fat, conditioned or not...

She doesn't want to talk about it with anyone, which I understand, but she really isn't doing anything for the matter... I doubt her looks changed at all since we met, even though she is always on a diet.

I know I should be accepting her and (?) her body the way it is, but I find it hard to.

How can I approach this?

Wouldn't be the first "how do I make my gf lose weight"...

 

My horniness is rising guys... Soon I'll want to fuck everything that walks (as if I already don't HAH!) also she is coming to my place soon...

I'm a virgin.

Thank you for your time!

Feliks

[Feliks912]

I also want to mention her lack of femininity, which perfectly reflects my lack of masculinity. We are, as I can see, balanced according do David Deida.

I don't want to be in that kind of relationship, I want more difference.

 

I have read and heard of "waking up" the feminine essence by getting her in contact with more of the masculine one (that is, unlike her father's, not associated with physical abuse).

Consider that I can, through pain, discomfort and insecurity, shine the masculine. Do you (or anyone else here for the matter) have any experience with that kind of affection?

I am open minded, feel free to bump me with any new-age hippy theories.

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Feliks912 said:

If the person I'm with didn't have the capacity of experiencing a single negative feeling associated with me breaking up and dating someone more attractive, I'd probably do it. She, however, has emotions, and I don't want to hurt her as she really didn't deserve it in any way (her pain would also hurt ME, duuh...)

There is some fundamental problems with this line of thinking.

First is that you believe that her emotions are your responsibility. That's another socially conditioned belief. In reality, every person has the choice to feel however they want about a situation.

I'm not suggesting using that as an excuse to run around hurting people. But notice that this belief is actually keeping you from being free and fully authentic.

Whose life are you living if you're afraid of how she will feel if you break up with her?

The reason seeing her feel "bad" makes you feel bad is because it triggers your own feelings of shame.

Unfortunately she doesn't understand any of this and so she will likely externalize the cause of her negative emotions onto you. You can't control that, that's her own issues she will have to work through when the time comes.

Again, the consequences of you not doing this are far greater than doing it. This relationship is likely just going to get more and more toxic as long as these feelings go unexpressed.

[Moreira]

Dont expose all your questions of your life in one post please, shrooms has nothing to do with relations.

The one thing that is limiting you from being in a relationship with hotter girls is the lack of entitlement. In you believe system there's the limiting believe that you dont deserve or you arent enough to be with them,  but you need to remove this believe, how? Expose youtself to experiences that prove you wrong. Start little steps---> See that you are not rejected by talking with hot girls. You'll find that they are the same than ugly girls.

Just you, and we are overwhelmed by looks.

[Feliks912]

@aurum

"First is that you believe that her emotions are your responsibility."

Huge one, thank you!

Yes, I took upon myself the responsibility of always wanting to change her emotions for the better.

I will contemplate on that.

 

"Whose life are you living if you're afraid of how she will feel if you break up with her?"

Not mine authentically and I'm aware of that, however there are more mayor consequences of that line of thinking not associated with her primarily.

For example, I'm attending college for the sake of my parent's approval, even though I don't see the diploma as a financial make-or-break and have a rising business opportunity at this very moment.

 

"Again, the consequences of you not doing this are far greater than doing it. This relationship is likely just going to get more and more toxic as long as these feelings go unexpressed."

I am aware of that, I lay my hope upon radical honesty and removal / understanding of those unexpressed feelings.

Funny / informative post about practical implications of radical honesty

 

"Unfortunately she doesn't understand any of this and so she will likely externalize the cause of her negative emotions onto you. You can't control that, that's her own issues she will have to work through when the time comes."

I'm not ready for this kind of thinking, yes she is responsible for her own emotions but I can't rid myself of the notion that I am the cause (in that particular situation).

I acknowledge what you say anyway.

I will consider it when my time comes.

For now, I remain ignorant.

 

 

@Moreira

As I can see, this is more of an explanation of my current situation rather than a set of questions.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

I don't consider the difficulty of getting girls. I know it would be WAY more irritating, frustrating, hurting and in many ways harder than to be in an already existing relationship (Also I'm 5'7, attractive but not a born player). However, I would sacrifice the pain in order to accomplish something.

The question was never how, why and if I can "get" other girls, but should I stay in a relationship and some advice along with that.

Shrooms was a side note. 

As was being a virgin.

Hope you didn't search the forum and stumble upon this post

 

 

I want to add up the latest experience I've had.

 

So I tried to communicate to her, in a imprecise manner, that I am not fulfilled in this relationship.

She had to go at the moment.

I didn't react immediately, instead I payed close attention to my emotions.

Came up to realize...

Damn, I'm lonely.

Fuck me, I'm lonely.

I'm really fucking lonely.

That, along with a few tears, got rid the notion of constantly being a limpet on her (which I didn't even know I am, DAMN THE HIDDEN!).

It got a tiny sack of other insecurities implied along with it, not concerning her directly.

My communication instantly got more prominent.

I actually asked a question when I would usually assume (common mistake)!

 

I really like the idea of fucking that girl while being deeply connected with her, communicating, inquiring and developing together.

Most of my "problems" are temporary and I know it, key is decision and patience.

I didn't do any of that yet, still don't know why. Many factors...

 

In my second post I mentioned (bolded) I don't feel free.

I presume that sensation is the primary cause (that I can think of and work on right now, that is) of my negative feelings.

I will furthermore test it, paying close attention to my emotions.

I was very attracted to her at the beginning of the relationship. For some (heh, you know Feliks) reasons it got stale.

My fault, as always.

 

 

If you'd like to comment on this, feel free to.

For now, I don't have any questions I feel I need an (hidden) answer to.

 

Thank you once more for your time!

Feliks

[Feliks912]

"Don’t get tricked by your ego into thinking that this is an external problem."

From Leo's How To Stop Being Jealous

Have taken that in consideration and I know that, even If I "got" that beautiful girl, there would be one better right next corner (and there always is) that is REALLY out of my league for next couple of years.

Jealousy would arise again, circling would continue...

Doesn't mean I'm rightfully ignorant but, only maybe, now is not the right time to focus on that.

 

Better get my girlfriend beautiful according to my standards eh

 

Joke, but being healthy is something else.

 

[Nahm]

@Feliks912 Make a conscious choice. Like if one is to eat pizza or vegetables for example, the vegetables require the making of a conscious choice. You’re 19, but still, to allow your mind to be at ease, you could make a choice. Stay with her, or don’t. 

This post, is what the practices are for. Time alone would do wonders for you. There’s little to no separation from thoughts. Your emotions are on the roller coaster of reaction to thoughts, leading to beliefs that you’re somehow responsible for anyone but you. Clarity for this comes from practices. 

You can’t lose either btw. You could fuck this all up, and learn quicker. All is well.