I may be addicted to victim and "outsider" mindset - Where to start?

[billiesimon]

Hi guys, I have had this emotional addiction since my teenage years.

I've always had some friends, but zero gfs up until 23 years old, where I had the first one (I'm 28 now). 
But even with my friend I always had this sense of being the last one, the odd one, the expendable one, the optional.

One of my high school friends, a very close one, used to mock me every single time, calling me the "last one in the group" and always treating me as second class friend. I kept this friendship for all high school years and it completely depleted my self esteem and built a very toxic and victim ego, where I've always felt like the misunderstood one, the unknown martyr, the GOOD GUY who goes punished for being innocent. That's my basic ego that I discovered with my first emotional inquiries with leo. 

My egoic personality is the good, nice, gentle guy, who gets victimized and misunderstood. Because I internalized this teenage period as part of my identity. I tend to be addicted to this victim energy in relationships too, where I felt as a victim of my gfs. And the dynamic was ALWAYS: I am the good one, the open hearted one, and she is the opportunistic shady girlfriend.

 

Now I've just left my social circle because I feel no more connected to them (they're not into self help, and are always talking badly about people, so I left them to find new people). And in this social circle recently I felt A LOT like the last one, the leftover. Which is partially true because I feel no more part of their mindset. so i left. 
By the way, if it happens to me to be left out of a party or of a social event of my friends, I really freak the fuck out and start to have a self destructive mindset like going insane. It's bad.

But i also recognize that I am appreciated by some other friend who value me a lot, and i feel deep appreciation for that, and I'm starting to change my perspective. But sometimes I get this massive and self destructive feeling like I'm worth zero to people and nobody wants to connect with me.

 

I want to heal this worthless feeling. Where should I start? Do you have video and books suggestions?

Edited March 27, 2018 by billiesimon

[abrakamowse]

Maybe this Leo video can help?

 

 

[Rebec]

Try Teal Swan - How to heal the emotional body. 

 

[Vipassana]

dont worry you already started by writing that paragraph. Just every time you feel like a victim, catch yourself and interrupt monkey chatter with gratitude for life. Be happy you're breathing.