Feelings of Attachment and Self-Pity.

[AHappyTeddyBear]

Even though it feels cheesy and uneasy for me to write about such stuff. Maybe now, is the most loneliest and scary time in my life, I've never felt so insecure about myself. It sucks when you are all on your own and have no one close to you who makes you feel valued and reassures you of your place in this world. And I don't believe in myself yet to do and go after the things I want. I feel very helpless when it comes to doing stuff on my own, like I won't be able to perform up to my standards or what others expect me to do. I wish so much I could be a better friend to the people I feel close to, but I prevent myself in the process because of my own stupid shortcomings. I ruin everything by feeling jealous and not feeling good enough. I know I've found myself in this Victim-mentality and that nothing will ever become better. I believe it so much that it will probably stay like this for a while. Since then I've been afraid of being abandoned by the ones I love, who may not feel the same as me. It's an everyday experience of trying to control others and possessiveness. I've become so overly attached to people, when it's clear that they probably don't even think about me as often as I do about them. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. When I'm by myself I feel so alone, I hate being by myself. I need to get comfortable by myself but nothing helps when you're not feeling loved. I'm so selfish with my relationships that it's become toxic and my ''friends'' I'm sure aren't that willing to be with me anymore. This negativity feeds into everything I wish not to happen. I hate this never-ending Cycle. At this point I'm not sure whether I'm in Love with that Person that I've been obsessing over or just an escape of some sort. Sometimes I really do feel like deep down I do.

I only seek my own good, desires. I'm so afraid I might be narcissistic but then again I do feel like I've cared a lot about other people so I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just selfish. So nowadays I've just been thinking about how I could be improving myself and changing my ways, but it's so difficult because I don't yet believe in the cause. I wish I had a purpose.

[egoeimai]

The root of suffering is the attachment to the ego.

The identification to the ego.

If you have no ego, why defend it ? 

?

You are not narcissistic,  you are just believing that you are an individual who is seperate, alone and needs to be protected.

When that's not the case,  you are awareness.

[Key Elements]

2 hours ago, AHappyTeddyBear said:

I wish I had a purpose.

You can. Definitely.

What you are experiencing is just thoughts passing by. You can choose to get on those thoughts, and let it take you for a ride, or just observe them and let it pass by like the wind.

Picking up something, like a pen and notebook helps. Those are different from your thoughts. They are still. They are in your external world, a world in which we still have to deal with. When I picked up my pen and notebook, I just decided one day to just write down whatever I'm interested in. It happened to be a foreign language, and I just kept going at it and practicing it no matter what my thoughts. Pretty soon I found myself becoming a bilingual teacher. I incorporated this into my life purpose.