80 Minutes Of Strong Determination Sitting (a Thought Protocol)

[Falk]

Hello Friends

This is my first time!! expercience with strong determination sitting (sds)
English is not my native language, but i read a lot in english and i learn now words/vocabulary every day. Feel free to correct me if you see a mistake!
I meditate every day (very few exeptions to be honest) since 8 weeks. Started with mainly breating and mindfulness-meditation
lately nothingness-meditation. I already see positive effects. Beeing more calm/balanced, more productive (i did a LOT! of stuff in the last 2 weeks
only, seemingly without effort and without forcing myself, i just did it!), less self-hating ^^(yes i told myself sometimes how bad my life is/ or how good it WAS before i srewed up etc...)
less complaining and more pro-active behavoir, and i feel im on the right path! Work to do!

I just did 80 Minutes of SDS. It was totaly different from what i expected, it started of quite underwhealming for me just to bring me to places
where i wasnt able to get to in the last 8 weeks with my other medi-techniques! Now that i did it i can say im glad i did and i will continue with sds every day throughout march.
I feel like maybe 10% of this firsttime i can NOT recreate, but 90% of what i expericed can be accuratly be recalled.
here and there might be a small chronologic jump. Some of this protocoll is "direct speech" or "flow of consciousness-speech" and some of it i edited into correct sentences.^^

1. THE START

I was sitting on my chair, silent humming of my refridgerator in the other room, i put on a sweater so getting cold wont be a topic/additional
distraction, since i expect the partice of sds to be hard from what i read about it.
straight back sitting on my chair i close my eyes... 

after 10sec already ^^ omg! how long am i in this? 10sec maybe? shit! a THOUGHT!!... wait it is ok im alowed to think in this one.
but i didnt think a lot i didnt try to think something actively most of the time but it felt comfortable knowing that if i do, it is not a problem. 
god! this is borring! and also way to easy i just sit here ..so what?
how long now? 5minuntes maybe? ...im made for this. this is waaaay too easy

slight pain in the back ..maybe a 2 on a scale from 0 to 10. i can ignore it.

Thought occurs: probably becasue im a sportive guy i released all my body energy already by doing gym-work and badminton yesterday
so my body feels realy calm, maybe those ppl who struggle with "sds" are all overweight americans ^^  (sorry guys!^^)
they think it is so hard but actually im way better than them... (ofc you are)

how long now? 10minutes maybe? this is so easy what´s the point? should i even go on? couldnt i use my time better?
couldnt i use the 80minutes for breathing meditation or nothingness meditation (which i did the last week every day and felt positive about it since i
did it even thou i found it extremly hard to do the first times) wouldnt that be a better use of time , maybe im not made for this?
WOuldnt it be better to stop now and do something else something "harder" .... pain in the back goes up to 3 ..still i ignore it.

OR!! now a different thought occured...

since i find it so easy...can i do this even longer than 80minutes ? i could do 5 hours...i can just ignor my timer when it goes of and do it longer 
they will be so impressed on the forum if i tell them^^
wait isn´t it a realy bad reason to want to impress people? i realized that impressing is kinda important to me and it is no 
coincidence that i want to do it here in this practice too and this might be my first small realization. I was not thinking: I SHOULD NOT impress
or swearing i will never try to impress someone again from now ..but just realizing / narrating to myself objectively that i DO have the tendency to wanting to impress ppl
in the last months/years and i felt intuitivly that is not realy something im proud of ^^ and i should keep an eye on that!
..nothing more and norhing less for the moment

then my handy rang ..shit! (the first call). who could it be?
someone at work, they sometimes call me when they need something i must help them out with, or maybe i forgot something important...nah!
maybe my friend is calling asking me if we go bouldering today? but i cant since i hurt my ankle at badminton yesterday...
maybe my father is calling? maybe i did something wrong
maybe my aunt asking me if i can go buy food for my grandmother?

it stopped ringing. it is not imporant right now...i have my free day, i dont have to take calls. i wont die! if i dont take the call.. it is fine!

ok back to: this is easy im made for this, then i felt bad : pain in the back increased to 4-5, still no problemo but it is annyoing.

leo said it will be worth to do "sds" maybe he doesnt know that im different, that it is too easy for me. if he could see how easy i sit here
for like 15minutes now he would recommend me to do "breathing meditation" instead or someting else.

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2. BREAKING UP

then my state kinda changed and i cant quite remember / reconstruct how it exactly came to be. i didnt feel a hard change while i was doing it, but
recalling it is a bit foggy for me. 

i know it had something to do with this:
for some reason i cant quite remember the cause (althou it is probably secondary) i felt guilty , maybe because i mooved a bit while i shouldnt?
and i went like: you piece of shit! you mooved! you failed..you fucking idiot! and i sometimes talk to myself in that way always implying that i dont
realy mean it, it is more to motivate me ^^ now i realized that it is not realy helpful if i insult myself for doing something wrong?!

also somehow that everytime i realize something, learn something about myself, i feel like there is the old me (not knowing the new thing) and the new me (knowing the new thing)
and then the 2 are getting into a kind of micro-fight with each other, who´s the better "I" ...i realized this is fucking tragic! WTF am i doing?
i realzied and remembered that i do this on a daily basis never beeing able to see what happens...that 2 mini-egos fight each other over who is the boss!

first i felt mooved by this realization ...it wasnt realy crying.
just feeling realy mooved by realizing how i get into arguments with myself, beeing able to see how sad this is!
2 tears went from my eyes, 1 right and 1 left. It didnt feel like crying, just like water is coming out of my eye.
both waterdrops went down my face to my mouth and the right one was bigger i guess and went further to my chin.
i felt something changed, i knew this place where i am now.

i realzied that i have so many unrealsitic ideas about getting enlightend or the way i can change throu meditation, i can become this new "super human" kind of guy
almost godlike ^^ in a way , my goals are actually ridicoulous i realized now, it will make "click" and im perfect i will understand everything and be happy for all the time ^^
i know and i knew of course: that cant be achieved it is just a child fantasy but at the same time a part of me still wants that or wanted that, i also cant exclude that the wish
wont appear ever again , it probably will but next time it comes i can see it from another persepective. because now that i have seen what it ACTUALLY means to learn
something about myself, to starting to know myself better, i realized what i can actually get from meditation and how it is so much more worth to me than beeing perfect and happy
all the time or even like beeing a super-alfa-male 24/7 ^^

i thought about how tragic humans are, how most of them try their best to be happy (like me) but they only cause pain in themself and others 
cause they dont know what they do and what they are. the difference between the human intention to do good and actualy doing harm without knowing made me cry.
it was too much at that point. it seemed so sad, so heartbreakingly tragic that all those peolpe realy honestly want to be happy but they all fail cause they dont understand shit ^^
2 more tears go down my face...

(now comes a part which does not! represent any political standpoint on the question of how to treat criminals, but it is rather an experience in empathy and seemingly understand the
suffering of a psychopath/murderer)

the topic about why people do bad things without knowing it took me to the question about criminals. why do some people kill others. why do some people become insane killers.
are those people realy evil, or are they just completly diconnected from their own inner life from their emotions. what is wrong with them? 
of course i want them to be locked away and in prison but also i thought maybe they are helpless. what kind of pain must have been inflicted on them in order to 
create such personalites that can´t feel for others anymore that are completly numb. i saw those killers as childern and feeling sorry for them getting beaten 

in fact i thought: how dare i - how ignorant of their suffering do i have to be to judge those people i have no idea what they went throu!!
start crying again this time with opened mouth , couldnt keep it closed , felt like caughing in an emotional way
realized i should return to my pratice to not moove now but it is fine i mooved affectivly couldnt stop it now return to pratice...

i thoght this year had already had 8 weeks and in this last 10minutes i had more meaningfull personal realizations about myself and the world than in the last 8 weeks.
even thou i did my routin, 1 hour meditation , breating medi, body scan sometimes, nothingness medi the last week which realy felt like stepping it up for me, 
but i usualy had only positiv feelings, i smiled i had moments of joy even bliss in the meditation, i even had moment where i went: oooh! THAT`S WHO i am , or 
Ohhh! right im not that  (rather abstractions/ feelings almost autosuggestive realizations) also i faced fear (in one of my first meditations in january i had the sense that someone
stands behind me and wants to murder me ^^ i sat though that and made me face it ..it never came back or only in a softer form and then it went away)
i never had concrete realizations about myself, what EXACTLY almost scientificaly it is that i am, what i do, how i behave. this time i had that and it made me cry 
i felt that having an epiphany that makes you cry because your realze how wrong and almost tragic your behaviour is worth more than smiling or feeling bliss...
then again i realized that there is probably a time for each of them i wouldnt want only crying all the time ^^ but for now im realy glad i could get those insights!

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3. CALMING DOWN / JOY

i hoped i can recall everything or maybe the most important things for people to read beacuase i also enjoy reading such protocols by others to kinda see what they saw.
also i realized that by beeing prepared to narrate my experience it made the experience more clear for me. it reminded me of this psycho-therapy technique of just
narrating what happend without judging, just objective desciption of events. i feel i was able to do this for the most part in the last 15minutes
of this sds.

i wished for it to end now and i felt like i realy enjoy it. i thoguht ok it was enough now. i have to write it down and let it breathe take a break now.
OR! maybe i could go even deeper now...but there is still time the next weeks i will do this daily. so no hurry!

i felt realy relaxed now, my back pain had completely gone and instead i felt warm and unified like ... you may laugh now: i felt like a banana
it must sound horrible but it was realy funny and i had to laugh myself when i tried to explain to myself how i feel now and i came up with
the banana comparison ^^ my body feeling was good i felt like one huge slightly rounded thing beeing whole.

i felt like i expanded.
i could still feel my body borders as a silouette but i was also in the whole room filling it up, it was realy nice!
i felt refreshed and i enjoyed it.

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4. LAST MINUTES / WORK TO DO...

one time at the end maybe 5-10 minutes before the alarm went of i licked my lips and i thought ..awww np i wont tell them! wait what? 
im going to lie about stupid shit like that just to make me look better ^^
LOL i had to chuckle this is ridicoulous ..did i actualy just thought about lying , trying to make me look better even i realized earlyier in the sds that i shouldnt do that.
that i should try to impress people.
here i also had to smiled and realize it will take MORE! than only realizing things to stop bad habits in myself, bad habits have a momentum they are automatic almost
and i have to be aware of them and stop them everytime they will occur in the next weeks/month.
then i went nah ok...ofc i will tell becasue if i lie that makes me feel bad..
then i realized not lying just because you feel bad is also not a realy good reason isnt it?
but i couldnt think of a better reason right now and i felt no urge to do so since im mainly supposed to sit still in this technique.

then the second call came... i thought np. i wont answer it is fine... it stoped

1minute later the alarm went of. i did it! 80 something minutes...

i waited the alarm to stop /wanted to do bonus time for some reason and then when it stopped i breathed sometimes in and out streched my back, and then started to open
my eyes...eyelashes beeing glued together by dried tears ^^ i felt fine. i want to write down everything...here i am!
 

[Orange]

I read psychopaths are simply not capable of empathy or emotions for shame, love and regret among others. There are different degrees to psychopathy as well but the general rule is that biologically speaking,  they do not have the same brain structure as empaths.  Therefore, the suffering they inflict on others cannot be processed emotionally. You cannot change a psychopath as they are born this way and will die this way.

Then you have the sociopaths,  and these people are "created" by an abusive environment and some degree of genetic predisposition. 

Edited July 5, 2016 by Orange