Are romantic relationships just another external source for happiness?

[7thLetter]

The short answer to this question is probably "yes" but I'm sort of looking to understand it more at a deeper level, or at least get my thoughts validated.

So I'm 22, never had a girlfriend in my life, so I have no idea what its like to be in a romantic relationship. Lately I've been having the desire to be in one. I imagine it to be a great learning experience for me in a way that we would be sub-consciously helping each other psychologically through everything that we go through in life. For guys I think the desire for women act as a very strong source of motivation for men, which is where I'm coming from. The reason why I got into personal development in the first place is to get rid of my shyness and insecurities in order to go talk to girls that I like. I also remember reading from either "Think and grow rich" or "The Superior Man" that without women, men would be nothing or do nothing, something along those lines. Currently I'm doing fine with all my habits, meditation, reading, gym, etc. And of course I'm doing all of it because I'm starting to see how much internal happiness I've built up for myself, but there's also a side of me that does it in order to hopefully find attract a girl that I really like. Would I do these things if women didn't exist in the world? Good question I don't even know how to answer that. After doing a lot of inner work though, I've come to be very independent. These days I don't have the need for a lot of friends, I spend most of my days by myself. So I do understand the fact that if you grow yourself enough you don't need anyone but yourself to some degree, but is it really the same for wanting to be in a romantic relationship?

So let's look at some of the things that a relationship would offer, and maybe I might even be answering my own question at this point by typing so much. A relationship would offer you sex, ok that's a source of external happiness right. It offers you love/belonging from another human being, which is listed on maslow's hierarchy of needs above safety and physiological needs. But is that a source of external happiness? I remember going through a depression phase, I'd say human interaction was one of the reasons why I got out of it. ALSO, a big reason why I fell into that 3 month depression phase was because I was really into this girl who had a boyfriend. I was flirting with her and she was leading me on the whole time so it was tough. A romantic relationship also offers you growth in a way, depending on how psychologically developed your significant other is. That could possibly be a source of internal happiness if its helping you grow, right? But if we were in a relationship and didn't have all these things, that would lead to unhappiness. You would miss having all these things if your partner went away for vacation or passed away out of nowhere. Also if you were in a toxic relationship with your partner manipulating and cheating on you, that would lead to unhappiness and a lot of psychological stress as well.

Anyways, really just me trying to justify why or why I shouldn't look for a relationship at the moment. But I really do see it as a strong source of motivation for me. The desire for a girl pushes me to grow myself so that I could be in a good mood, which means I'd be in a talkative mood, and a talkative mood means I could go talk to girls. But in the end maybe I'm just creating an idealization of what its like to be in a relationship.

Thoughts?

 

[Truth]

I got into my first serious relationship at 22, overall? the most I've grown in my life, the sex was amazing, the understanding of her and understanding of me and relationships as a whole was incredibly insightful, the relationship collapsed because of my neediness, definitely a healthier form of neediness I've seen people be in, but regardless, we broke up and the relationship got 100,000x better, the sex was better, the detachment was better, everything was better. Ultimately ended because I moved, but my point is --> 

Getting into a relationship is not really about what you can get or even what you can give (well, kind of about that), but it's mostly about just experiencing it all and making the most of it. 

All the bullshit, lying and cheating, manipulation, having all that shit happen to you and still leaving her better than you found her or still willing to care for them, hug them, talk to them, this is one of the greatest things I've learned from being in a relationship. You can still come out on top of that and take those hard won lessons and everyone can still be happy. 

That's what life is about, it's about growth, experience, truth, especially in the beginning, experiencing a good relationship is something I think we all should experience, I remember crying because I was so happy at one point, I'm telling you, you have to experience a relationship! 

[Ayilton]

I just finished listen to the audio version of Women are Venus and man are from Mars... Definitely consider getting in a relationship if you have not tried ! 

It's great time to self introspect... See how much self bias we can be towards the world  ! The female mind is complex it will take some time to understand but once you do... It will be rewarding to have someone  , who you can be intimate  , have sex and still support in everything you do  ! 

Women are very supportive beings  !  Step out of your comfort zone  ...Consider getting into one  !  

For me romance has been really great sometimes we hurt each other  ,  but it's gets better after some time... Remember to treat her good ...Don't consider physical abuse even when feel cheated or something... 

 

Edited March 24, 2018 by Ayilton

[Key Elements]

I've been married for almost 20 yrs. Married in my early 20s. To me, when you say the word "romance," it's just a honeymoon phase. The question is, are you willing to grow together and stick it out no matter what? Most importantly, are you willing to continue to grow and discover yourself? There is nothing stopping you but you. Life is a lifetime of challenges and adjustments and opportunities no matter if you stay single or married. Sure, you will still have "romantic" moments from time to time if your relationship lasts. However, you see, the good times always speak for itself. What about if you have to face a challenge together? The rules of life still apply.

[aurum]

@7thLetter

No one needs a relationship or anything to be happy. However, I've found there's very good potential reasons to want a relationship, some of which you've pointed out.

If you're going to do it, I would keep in mind that most relationships are not good ones. A good relationship that's actually worth investing in is a rare thing and can be very difficult to manage.

[Girzo]

I desire relatonship and consider myself a happy person at the moment. So while craving for happiness is a factor for some people to get into relationships, I think there are other forces at play there, that decide whether you want it or not.

Like, it's whole new field to explore and it's exciting. 

[student]

@7thLetter You will only grow if you know how to grow. The other can be as conscious as "god", but you can easily dismiss her, because it all depends on you. Why do you think unconscious people dismiss conscious people? Because there is an incompatibility, an incapacity from the unconscious of seeing something else than the surface. They will just neglect what is conscious and just go on on approving what validates their miserable existence.

You will end in failure only if you want the surface. It seems that it is always like that. Being always on the surface, on the very "tangible reality", it always ends in failure because all people on this planet, all of us are something much more than a "something", we all have a higher self, so that's why we can recognize suffering/what is miserable, not right and want to end it. You want something big, something special, something else, something unpredictable, you want a big change, but at the same time you are dealing with cravings, with the body. It is ok. You only need to continue to raise your consciousness and grow yourself, because if you don't do this you will not reach anywhere. You will just stagnate and lie yourself that you are doing progress when in fact you are not. Raise your consciousness to be aware of your body, the material reality. You have consciousness, why letting yourself immersed in various trances?

Many people are in relationships, have "experience", but they remain the same, they learn nothing. They are always in a relationship with someone miserable like them. You are the source, change yourself and you will know/sense naturally, immediately consciousness around you.

You can have infinite experience and nothing learnt from it. That's what the majority of people are doing. They just pass them by. They are just zombies. They don't learn anything. And if they "learn", they are just projecting and immersing themselves still more in the trance of perspectives, ideas, thoughts, "truths" about life.

Raise your consciousness, progress, you need to want evolution or you will not get anywhere. Follow what you want to do, but at the same time grow yourself, because everything mirrors you.

 

[egoeimai]

Romantic relationships are for unhappiness they just challenge the ego and they fail.

Relationships in general 

[Kisame]

I like how the classic Stoics categorized the sources of "happiness."

On the one hand, the things that really matter are your virtues: your emotional resilience, your patience, your compassion, your wisdom, your perspicacity, and so on. These virtues are the qualities that, when refined to their absolute highest levels, produce happiness independent of circumstance, and an utterly unshakeable serenity with who you fundamentally are. In the lingo of the Eastern traditions, you might call this enlightenment.

On the other hand, the Stoics had a name for all the other good things in life, that don't really matter: preferred indifferents. Having a roof over your head is a preferred indifferent. Being able to eat at a 3-star Michelin restaurant is a preferred indifferent. Being a in a rewarding sexual and romantic relationship with a woman is a preferred indifferent.

Preferred indifferents are not necessary for deep fulfillment, but they certainly make life more pleasurable. 

So with that in mind, I'm all for pursuing relationships, so long as you don't fall into codependency and neediness. Never look to your partner to validate your worth. Developing yourself is always your top priority, and romance is just a bonus. 

 

On 3/23/2018 at 9:47 PM, 7thLetter said:

Anyways, really just me trying to justify why or why I shouldn't look for a relationship at the moment.

I think given your age and general lack of experience, you should date around a bit right now. Just casually, not looking for a serious relationship or anything, but see a few different girls and gain some perspective. Developing confidence with women spurs a lot of personal growth (in the realms of self confidence, assertiveness, not being butthurt, etc), which will carry over to other areas of your life. Being in a few relationships will also demonstrate to you exactly how insecure and needy (or not) you are, and point to weaknesses in your character that you can mindfully shore up in the future.

Plus, sex and seduction are both skills, and you can't get good if you never practice. One day you'll meet a girl who'll actually be worth keeping around long-term, and if you've had enough experience in the past, you'll know what to do to run the relationship right. On the other hand, if you spent your twenties "working on yourself" as a completely celibate monk, because you philosophically convinced yourself that "romantic relationships are just another external source of happiness," when you meet this future high-quality girl, you're guaranteed to fuck things up royally due to lack of experience. 

[7thLetter]

@Kisame Your reply was golden. Thank you for that 

[Key Elements]

I noticed something here that I would like to add. Forgot to say this. Be careful when you meet someone nice and then listen to other ppl's advice about relationships. In a long term couple's relationship, it's between the two ppl, not the two ppl and other's opinions about them. Others don't know what is going on, so when they tell you something, it may not apply at all. Instead, the opinions turn into gossips. If you break up just because of the opinion of another, like a "friend," that friendship is long gone.

[electroBeam]

yep sure is just another source of external happiness,

just like your external desire to eat food, have showers, go and earn money, and feel important.