Leo Gura's video on confusion - personal feedback.

[BMoss]

Gentlemen,

I've been feeling really down this morning and one video made my day.

In short, I'm not very deep into personal development, I've been looking it up for the past three years along with material from doctor Jordan B. Peterson and and former soldier Jocko Willink. I'm currently at crossroads and the last months I've been questioning everything Leo and the gentlemen above profess and casting doubt on it.

What I've been asking myself up to this morning was whether the process matters, whether me becoming more aware is important or not, whether me growing is, whether having more high quality positive emotions is important at all.
Cause I think I don't matter.
I know it is likely because the filters through which I see life are messed up or because I'm physically and emotionally and psychologically immature but I think I can argue the point of personal development because of a simple concept: if good and evil don't exist, if there is no such thing as a good or a bad emotion then what is the point of chasing them, imroving thir quality? what is the point of getting more knowledge, insights, revelations? what is the point of seeking a life purpose if the rewards are just some fulfillment, positive emotion, happiness that are ultimately meaningless?

So there I was, confused as hell, and on my way back home I drew the ipod and switched on Leo's video on confusion, one I haven't rewatched
in months. It blew me away.

First, I kinda learned that apparently it's okay to be confused and it's okay to not know. Then I learned that it's okay to never know
and it's even better to accept such things and move on. Then I learned that it does not matter if nature gives me answers in one year or
in ten years. Up to this point I was sort of throwing "should" statements (Hi Leo's video on Anger) at my development process. I've spent
the last five years on courses I had little to no interest in ended up in English and Japanese studies (1st year) where I've been yelling
at myself from the beginning that I do not have the right to fail. Yet I have no work ethic, anxiety issues and introversion among other
things, so basically I was frantically checking out psychology and personal development material to force out a reason to study more.
Cause I thought I had no right to lose interest in Japanese and no right to try, let alone consider, any other activity.

Then I had a revelation: the studies I'm doing now and the maturation process I've been putting off since I was seventeen (I still am, by

the way, even though I'm turning twenty four this April), these studies, if anything, could land me a job and I could have a source of
resources aside from my parents. Then I would have more time to think, to question, to study, to try out new stuff, maybe socialize more
and basically I would have more time for more revelations to take place.

Another revelation I had while listening to Leo's videos on confusion was how rigid and easily pissed off I've gotten over the last few years. At the end of high school I was kinda open minded, a little social and just a little clueless. Five years passed, and I grew more cynical, nihilistic and insane. I'm also secretly an asocial introvert even though I catch myself enjoying some of the interactions with others in my course (I'm not affected to the point I can't leave my house, thank God).

So, in short, apparently I should not be too worried about feeling confused and overwhelmed. If anything I should do things in order and at my own pace, maybe even start by cleaning up my room as doctor Peterson famously recommended. And I should trust my intuition with what to start on first, not procrastinate or blindly set up some spartan study schedule I'd wip myself through to come more damaged at the end of.
Finally Leo's video on confusion made me question one, no, all of the taboos I've put on myself since I was five.
A fresh, recent one is "I am obliged to not repeat my first year. I must go on to the course's second year or else I'm a pathetic moron."
Up until now, I've tyrannised myself with shoulds' and blamed the world for my failures and God for the absence of meaning, then absence of meaning for absence of meaning. You see, I don't need to repeat a year of Japanese to be a pathetic moron - I am already one. But I could use a bit more widsom, who knows?

So, what are your thoughts on the subject of confusion? what about the subject of college studies? do you think I might want to explore other options outside of college? And lastly; if you ever had a lot of things that needed fixing, how did you decided on what to work on first?

Thanks a lot, gentlemen, have a good day.