My Journey Of Recovery From People Pleasing And Finding Meaning And Purpose

[Irina Irina]

So, what I've discovered is that at the core of people-pleasing is low low self-esteem. Low awareness, monkey mind, my thoughts are all over the place. I find myself, wondering what the fuck am I doing in this city? What the fuck am I doing at this work place? What the fuck am I doing in this relationship? Where the fuck do I want to get in life?  I really don't want to face reality, so I just distract myself. I remember Leo said " the ego is all about looking away". That's what I'm doing. I want to escape reality. Really passive, an observant of life, not a participant. 

Since I was a child, my goal was to learn and have a good job, and find a boy who really loves me, and then be happily ever after. I realize now it was major form of procastinating.Procastinating being happy and being myself, procastinating living the moment. So, I got to this point where I have a pretty good job, but not fulfilled inside, I don't really know what am I doing there. I also had great boy, who really loved me, and was all that I wanted in life, and still not fulfilled, not pleased with myself. Not much inside of me to give. I sabotaged my relationship, I sabotage my work, and sabotage my relationships with coworkers, and really sabotage my own fulfillment. What I want to say is that, I got to those points where I wanted to get, and now, I don't have any direction. I just survive. I close my eyes, and go pointesslly throughout my day, and life.

Things that I noticed and help:

• Focus. After watching Leo's video, about focus, I did this thing. At the beginning of day, I ask myself what do I want from this day at job. I see what I have to do and want to do. At work I establish that I'm going to focus on one activity activity at a time, not  doing anything else, not phone , not anything. As I do that activity, I notice some thoughts coming into my mind. So, I say like this " I'm gonna handle   this activity, and after that I'll take 30 minutes or one hour to think about my ex boyfriend, or what that person thought about me, or what they think of me" whatever thoughts I notice. This, gives me a sense of control and power. After I finish the activity, and say " Ok , let's think about that", I will notice that I don't see the point of thinking about 75 % of those things, once this thinking becomes conscient and my level of awareness about what I think raises.
• Also, I started to use this tactic with the routines that I set for one month. I found myself, doing lot's of stuff, but not being pleased by what I do, and worrying that I'm not doing as much as I should and as good as I should. So, I try to do this. If I want to read a book, I will say " for the next hour I'm reading this book, not search for videos online not do anything else" For one hour I sit here and read. And after that I can spend  30 minutes or one hour looking at videos. In this way I feel in control, and I don't feel guilty for whatching videos or surveing the internet. 
• I did this with meditation. I do 20 minutes a day, and I will notice a really unconfortable sensation in my left leg. It's so annoying I just want to shake my leg, and get up, not meditate any more. I interpret that as resistence. I just stand there, and take that really annoying and unconfortable sensation, rather than quit meditation, and escaping it. So I stay there, and that sensation will take over my whole body, and then it will dissappear, and then come back again and so on. When it takes over my body, it's not pleasing, but in a way it's relaxing my body deeper than before.
• sometimes, i notice how I get caught up in stories, and my mind goes into fairytale world. When I see that I replace those thoughts with " thinking, thinking" and those stories lose value and disolve away

That's it for now

 

 

Edited March 4, 2016 by Irina Irina

[Extreme Z7]

Woah! It's really awesome to see somebody else starting to make the decision to change one's life. Personal Development reveals a very long and difficult journey. Even something as simple as meditation has incredible depth and power in life that you won't be able to see until many months of consistent meditation down the line.

Looking forward to seeing your advancements!

[misko55]

Keep it up , it´s not easy and wowe I went through some stuff you did , I still am , my job is really good , people don´t understand why I want to quit , but it doesn´t fulfill me. And this day dreaming , fairy tale land , I know it , it´s an escape because we want more but don´t know how to achive it , so we dream about it and feel good about our dreams , but building them is so much better then dreaming the, Keep up the fight!

[Irina Irina]

My daily routine:

• guided meditation 20 minutes 
• affirmations 20-45 minutes

Improvement so far:

• quit drinking soda and replace it with tea and water
• for one year I'm doing gym at home 
• keeping my house tidy
• began to organise my money
• eating better 

What I want to implement:

• 1 hour on saturday and sunday to work on my life purpose and plan it ( starting a youtube channel on make up and more - omg I'm so excited it's scary - this will need also improving myself, my speaking skills and being authentic, so so so excited !!! iiii ) 
• read a book each month and apply in my life one thing from each book
• bring my working up to a higher level- going at the gym and once a week running
• working on integrity- huge problem for me
• building a morning habit before work 
• stop smoking for good within 2 months with meditation

Insight:

1. When I started doing squats about a year ago, I barely did 100 in 4 series of 25. After that my whole body was sore and in pain. It was hard , and it was a slow process, I kinda forced myself into keeping the program in place. Now, I'm doing 400 houndred with 13 kg, it's easy, and pleasurable and a part of my life. And improvement happens so much faster now. If I would have wanted to do back then what I'm doing now, it would have been impossible. No matter how much I would have wanted it and tried. I didn't have the resources in me back then.

So, I associate this with self growth. No matter how much I want right now to be that person that I imagine to be in real life, is kind of impossible in this moment because I don't have the resources in me. But, in a year, with continous practice and learning it would be easier and results will show up.

So, before starting working up, I was a non-sports kinda girl. Now I see myself more as a sports- girl.

Now I'm a people pleaser, but with work in a year I could describe myself differently 

2. Focusing on the activity I'm doing, helps me say "no" to other people and to feel ok with that.  When I say to myself " I'm doing this, for 1 hour sit here and take care of this job, and don't distract myself with anything, when someone comes and ask me to help them at theire's chores, it's natural for me to say : I am busy now, after I finish this in an hour we'll see what's that about". And I feel at peace with saying no, and taking care of me

Edited March 6, 2016 by Irina Irina

[Soumya]

@Irina Irina  You inspire me!

 

[Irina Irina]

 

[Irina Irina]

For now put this things into place:

• bring my body in great shape, working out at the gym / 1 hour a day
• work on nutrition
• quit smoking

Continue:

• 20 minutes meditation
• affirmations
• book reading

[Irina Irina]

I would love to be a badass bitch, not this "kind, good human being that I show to the world". Trust me, I have so many nasty thoughts towards people, and I really would want to put some people in theire's place. I want to be real, man. I want to be real.

Edited March 7, 2016 by Irina Irina

[Irina Irina]

Get the victim thinking out of my brain and behaviour. Part of this comes from comparing myself to others. I would compare only on one single part, not take all in ensemble. Thanks Leo for all your videos. 

Edited March 7, 2016 by Irina Irina

[misko55]

Don´t be a badass bitch , world has enough of those , be a badass kind good human  Help , be kind , but not a pushover

[Irina Irina]

Now I'm doing a 30 day meditation to quit smoking. I want this so bad, I know see see the damage cigarettes do to your body and want to stop and have a healthy healthy lifestyle. It's 09.03.2016 my 4-th day. I'm  doing this untill 04.04.2016 when I want to quit forever.

And I'm reading  No More Mr Nice guy-and I found in the book a belief that I have about myself and always had  that "I"m bad, I'm a bad person"

[Journey]

@Irina Irina Best of wishes and luck to you, my friend.

I noticed your example about looking for the perfect lover to seek fulfillment and it reminded me of another one of Leo's videos on real growth.

Take a look if you haven't already: 

 

Edited March 9, 2016 by Journey

[Irina Irina]

@Journey thanks. I've watched it, and it is a very important video to review and keep in mind. My whole life has been about achievement, and even now I will go after achivement rather than real growth. Cause real growth is so damn unpleasant . At least at the beginning. In fact, it is pleasant, but it feels so strange,when you realize how many things you've missed and how great you can feel. And then you are scared of all this great things and feelings that are so unfamiliar to you that you go back to your own hell created by your thoughts and mind.

I mean, I can understand logically that all the suffering is created by myself and my own mind and thoughts. If only I would change my focus on what I want to experience, on how I would want to feel, rather than what I don't ..

Edited March 9, 2016 by Irina Irina

[Irina Irina]

I plan to go to a psycologist in the future. Not now. But in the future I would like to go. Because doing work by yourself is a slower process.

[Irina Irina]

I've read the book No more Mr Nice Guy... so so good, and so so me. I gainned awareness. So helpful. thanks