How Can I Do Inner Work?

[xXxXx]

7 hours ago, Galyna said:

@Locooig

Sorry, no offense here. Definitely it is not all about me! 

No offense either Enjoy your day!

@Kelley White

You are very welcome Kelley!

[Galyna]

@Kelley White

Kelley, thank you for being so sweet . It is greatly appreciated. I am happy to be here, really, I need people who think alike. 

I am trying to observe myself and others, reality, things around me, but something is holding me back from regular meditation. With all this being sad I feel like I more talking about this than doing real work. 

[Pia]

@Kelley White I dont think loosing weight is real growth when i have an eating disorder, because it shows that i didnt "heal" inside. Leo also said in his (fake vs real growth) video that when you think obsessively over a topic there is no real growth that happened. So you can ask yourself the question: Do you still think of food all the time? Then real growth didnt occur. You just treating the surface problem because you dont like the way you look. It would be real growth if you didn even think of food anymore it you just eat when you are hungry. 

You said you are really strict with yourself when it comes to eating. Do you have a problem with gaining weight? 

 I mean i can loose weight if i want with guilting myself everytime i had a binge, but that is just fake success.

I think i have to change my thinking ("you are only worthy if you are thin") mentality in order to not care about my weight anymore. Then i can decide if i want to loose weight to feel better and be healthier not because i have to be thin to fit in certain clothes or keep up with societys image of a beautiful girl ? 

 

[Pia]

 @Kelley White   

 

i watched this video and really had an "Aha" moment followed by a terrible binge (i didnt have such a bad one for a long time because i was guilting myself for it) At first i tought shit i gain so much weight now. But then i realized that i just eat so much bc i suppress my emotions and food is something that makes me feel happy termporarily. Now i do self inquiry bc i want to know the reason why i binge eat. 

[Kelley White]

On 3/7/2016 at 4:49 AM, Pia said:

I dont think loosing weight is real growth when i have an eating disorder,

Hi @Pia.  I agree with you. 

On 3/7/2016 at 4:49 AM, Pia said:

Do you still think of food all the time?

  No.  I don't think of food at all.    I hyper focus on what I am doing and forget to eat.   Literally.

On 3/7/2016 at 4:49 AM, Pia said:

You said you are really strict with yourself when it comes to eating. Do you have a problem with gaining weight? 

No.  I have a problem with eating wisely.     I'm strict with myself as in food equals fuel.  I love chocolate chip cookies.  I don't buy them.  I buy nuts, dried fruit, things I can graze on that are high in protein and good for me versus sugar or processed calories which lead to depression.

I've been over weight once in my life; I've been naturally thin most of my life.  I struggled with anorexia in my early teens to late twenties. 

Currently?  I am at a good healthy weight= (I feel good).    I just forget to eat.

On 3/7/2016 at 4:49 AM, Pia said:

you are only worthy if you are thin"

I think I personally feel healthier when I am thin.  My joints don't ache, I have better range of motion, I don't get winded, I don't feel tired.  I feel healthy.  Gardening?  A great work out!  I can't wait for spring.  Even then?  I get playing with plants and forget to eat. So when my body lets me know, I choose a banana or hummus , or peanut butter and apples versus junk food. 

That's what I meant by strict.  I don't own a scale, I don't want to know my weight when I get weighed at the Dr.'s.   Do I feel healthy?  Do my clothes fit?  Am I in pain all the time or can I stretch and lift and move and I feel good?  Can I still do my yoga?  Do I feel  youthful?    That's my focus.

Awesome questions though. 

On 3/7/2016 at 4:49 AM, Pia said:

 I mean i can loose weight if i want with guilting myself every-time i had a binge, but that is just fake success.

I never found this to work.  I had to change my mindset about health and food.   I also found like with any addiction if I didn't buy something or hang out with those who were doing it to excess, I wasn't setting myself up for defeat.  I prefer to set myself up for success.  

On 3/7/2016 at 4:49 AM, Pia said:

Then i can decide if i want to loose weight to feel better and be healthier not because i have to be thin to fit in certain clothes or keep up with societys image of a beautiful girl ?

We wholly agree. I always go point by point so I don't miss anything, I see we stated the same thing.

[Kelley White]

On 3/7/2016 at 5:05 AM, Pia said:

i watched this video and really had an "Aha" moment followed by a terrible binge (i didnt have such a bad one for a long time because i was guilting myself for it) At first i tought shit i gain so much weight now. But then i realized that i just eat so much bc i suppress my emotions and food is something that makes me feel happy termporarily. Now i do self inquiry bc i want to know the reason why i binge eat. 

@Pia, I'm glad you found Teal's video helpful.   I regret you felt so harshly about yourself.  Food is comforting to some folks; yes.   I am so happy to hear that you have arrived at the space you can do self inquiry now.  How does that  make you feel? 

[Pia]

@Kelley White

I am still searching for a specific reason why i binge eat. I started when i was depressed. Many toughts like "i am not good enough" and "i hate myself" developed there but i think it will take time to change them since i have them for so long. 

I watched many videos related to this topic and one said that if i come from an eating disorder, i should try to stop limiting myself with food (with a high carb low fat vegan diet) and i will probably gain weight but stop craving after a time.

Do you think that works. Because now i eat everytime i want (as they suggested) and i obviously overeat everyday?

I am really clueless what i should do because my mindset of calorie destriction wants me to stop eating that much? 

Do you have any suggestion?

Edited March 9, 2016 by Pia

[Kelley White]

@Pia  Hi.  I apologize for the delay in response, I am in the midst of packing and all things moving.    Please forgive me?

On 3/8/2016 at 6:50 AM, Pia said:

I am still searching for a specific reason why i binge eat. I started when i was depressed

Was there something specific which triggered your depression? 

On 3/8/2016 at 6:50 AM, Pia said:

Many thoughts like "i am not good enough" and "i hate myself" developed there

@Pia Can your remember when the thoughts of "I'm not good enough," and "I hate myself," first began?  Where did the idea originate from? 

I'm also curious, Is it really true you hate yourself?  "Not good enough for what?"  "Compared to whom?"

I only ask because I struggled with this; I can share with you my process for what it may be worth. 

I read one of Byron Katie's books and she mentioned to this woman complaining of self loathing, "Is it really true you should like yourself?"  "You don't like yourself, so it must not be true you should like yourself or you would."  When you are ready to love yourself you will."  I remember reading that at that time and feeling two responses:

1:  I first felt this rebellious "So there, I don't like me and you can't convince me I'm likable!" and that all my tantrums of such a flavor were justified.  Finally this Byron Katie woman got it and wasn't going to try to convince me that I was incorrect, I felt vindicated. 

2.  Then, this little Byron Katie life coach voice in the back of my inner brain said, "Is it true you really don't like yourself?"  "Is that really true?" (Laughter) "Kid, I think you're full of shit."  I realized in that moment I was full of shit.  I am a survivor.  Survivors want to live.  Seekers want to self actualize; that's really indicative of wanting to live and live a quality life of the most aware kind.    That's a strong and determined over comer. 

I wonder if you ever see yourself that way?  As a strong determined over-comer? Does that person binge eat?

@PiaWhat part of you wants to get beyond the binge eating and thrive? 

On 3/8/2016 at 6:50 AM, Pia said:

Do you think that works. Because now i eat every-time i want (as they suggested) and i obviously overeat everyday

Can you remember a time when this was not an issue for you, or that you successfully managed it for a period?   What was working for you at that time? 

Could you possibly not buy binge items of preference?

Could you find another activity to go physically do when the desire to binge eat came into awareness?

Can you just sit with the desire and the emotions without judging you or them and just identify them without acting on them?  Can you ask "who would I be If I didn't believe these lies I tell myself?" 

Are you over eating?  Do you eat after you feel full? I don't know?  I'm not there.  What leads you to believe you are over eating?

On 3/8/2016 at 6:50 AM, Pia said:

I watched many videos related to this topic and one said that if i come from an eating disorder, i should try to stop limiting myself with food (with a high carb low fat vegan diet) and i will probably gain weight but stop craving after a time.

I think different bodies seem to respond to different foods and approaches if you are seriously concerned and dealing with binge eating I would suggest a nutritionist who can assess your personal needs and recommend a combination of diet and exercise for your optimal health based upon your metabolism and personal goals.

My other suggestion?  Its not a linear process.  Sometimes on the path to recovery from an eating disorder we relapse.  You can see it, figure out why and forgive yourself and try again, or you can spin in the relapse and how horrible you are?   If you can figure out what keeps you from spinning down the rabbit hole and catch it fast enough by doing THAT thing?  That might help?

 

What ideas do you have for other things you can do when you are triggered to self sooth or comfort yourself?