Inevitable arrogance?

[Tearos]

How do I become more humble?

Each step closer on the pursuit toward Self-Actualization, one develops a better version of oneself. One who seeks Self-Actualization, because being average/normal/like everyone else is being mediocre, knows they have accomplished more than the mainstream. Is being arrogant, being self-absorbed, having one's head up one's ass, and thinking that one is better than others therefore inevitable? (These are labels I have been given by others).

Am I really arrogant, or is it other's image of me that is incorrect?

I have researched characteristics of the arrogant/self-absorbed behavior so that I can better myself at this area. I was radically honest with myself, and couldn't find any of the characteristics that fitted my personality. Have I been blinded by my own self-image? Is it an Ego defense mechanism? I know for certain that I do not know everything and I am not best at everything - And I'm not afraid to admit it to others. It is a fact, however, that I work on myself a lot more than most people I know, therefore I feel like I am, in a way, better than them.

 

Edited March 18, 2018 by Tearos

[Yavor Kirov]

First of all you are generalizing. Welcome to being a human being 101. We do generalize all the time!

So to un-generalize you have to explore if you are being arrogant in a specific situation or not. Not "if you are an arrogant person". Being an arrogant person is whole another thing and you will need to do a ton of self-analysis to be able to tell if you are one.

Second step is to choose a specific situation where you've been called "arrogant" or something you connect to it: So in that specific situation... there are two basic options (in my view): 

A) You are indeed being an arrogant asshole. Congratulations!

OR

B) You are not being arrogant but that person who is calling you names is most likely trying to manipulate you.

How do you tell? Well...

I guess you need to tell us more about the specific situation or try to untangle it yourself by thinking/writing about it.

I don't know for sure but the language you mentioned in the quotes "having one's head up one's ass" is rude so I can imagine it has been an emotional fight. So were you the one trying to manipulate the other person or they did? Or you both did? And if it was an emotional situation - calling names is just a method of manipulating the other person to submit to you. It rarely is based on the truth. Oh and generalizations work great in fights: "You never get the kids from school!", "You don't love me!", "You're a horrible person!" etc.

Again you need to explore specific situations one by one, not generalize. Generalizing will bring you to more generalizations and won't let you untangle the knots you have in your mind. You will just keep sliding...

So what do you say, @Tearos ?

Edited March 18, 2018 by Yavor Kirov

[DocHoliday]

Seems as if you're going the right way based on what you're presenting:) I experienced the same thing many times... sometimes it is a projection that is untrue but sometimes it can be quite accurate, depending on the situation and the person. I felt the same way as you for some time that I actually thought that I was better than others for the same reason that I was "working on myself" but in the end, there just isn't a judge who will give you a prize for that... what enlightenment teaches you (once you implement it into your life to this point) is that you're essentially not any better than the worst neurotic criminal you could find - we're all part of the same thing. Therefore, the most humble thing to do (imo) is to keep working on oneself as long as one sees it necessary to do so but to refrain from comparing and contrasting oneself to others. On the path of self-actualisation and self-realisation you will only very rarely receive any validation at all from other people, let alone feedback in regards to how you're doing. You can rest assured that this validation and the security "to be on the right side" will come to you through your individual degree to remain calm and collected whenever another opportunity to be arrogant and falsely superior presents itself. In that sense, as long as you remain mindful and present and don't get triggered, everything's just fine.

[Tearos]

@Yavor Kirov

Thank you for your answer!

The "having one's head up one's ass"-thing was meant by a joke by another person, but as we know - jokes can contain a certain opinion or truth. But once someone makes a comment about me being arrogant and such, I get really obsessed with the comment and get thoughts like "What did he/she mean by that? What did I do wrong? How did I just behave to make this person view me like this? I have to find out so I can better myself!", etc. 

I am 17-years old right now, and it can have something to do with that as well. People label me as 17-years old/inexperienced, therefore they are certain that I am more ignorant than I feel like I am. All of my life I have had to "dumb down" to fit in my age group, or even an older age group. However, I am a person who listens more than speaks.

I usually am really mindful of my own and others generalizations and stuff like that, but I will do my best to be better! Thank you for all of your advice  

[Tearos]

@DocHoliday

Thank you for your answer!

I was actually originally working on my self-confidence and being more outgoing towards other people. being more talkative. I usually hold my thoughts to myself, but I also wanted to be able to engage in a conversation with others, sharing my thoughts. This is where I think I am being seen as arrogant, etc. Now that I have learned this skill, I feel like I might be too outgoing, have too much self-confidence when I talk. It's like I went from introvert to over-extroverted, including arrogant because I am confident in my thoughts. I guess I have to find that sweet spot in between since I want to be able to switch between both when I want to (Introvert & extrovert).

I will try my best to be more mindful! Thank you for your advice!

[DocHoliday]

@Tearos  Yeah sounds good, good luck with that:) Communication is a very intersting thing as it is, just as the use of language in writing, a tool to manipulate reality. Therefore, it all depends on what you want to achieve through your communication, what's the goal - or respectively what image you'd like others to perceive. This can all be done by- and through language and most obviously even more through your behaviour and the way you hold yourself in face-to-face conversations. 

[PsiloPutty]

It's threatening to some people to learn that someone close to them is focused on personal growth, because it turns the mirror onto themselves and they see how little they do to improve themselves. That creates self-anger in them, and they then do what most all of us do: we project that emotion at people around us, especially the one we perceive as the cause of our current suffering. "YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME NOW!"   "YOU HAVE BECOME ARROGANT!"  are some things you might hear in that situation. It doesn't mean you ARE arrogant. I mean, maybe you are, but just hearing it from someone close to you doesn't make it so.   

[Tearos]

@PsiloPutty

I've been having those thoughts too! But I've been telling myself that this thought could be a potential defense of the Ego, once again. Glad to hear that I'm not the only one to think this, it might mean that I'm not crazy after all

[Spinoza]

In my opinion, when you talk about deep/intellectual topics with average people, you seems arrogant/ or trying to show off. i think it's better to not doubt if you are arrogant or no, we are all arrogant (at different levels) and you will be always judged if you are trying to improve yourself it's clear that you will think and behave differently from the crowd. I see that you care about if you are arrogant or no and that's a good sign. 

Even my reply seems arrogant (average people, differently, crowd) 

[Tearos]

@Spinoza

Thanks for your answer!

Yeah! I most oftenly have to "dumb down" for the 'crowd' to relate to me so I can fit in. But once I talk about advanced, deep, profound stuff, not only do I sense that others find me arrogant, but I see myself as arrogant! It's the 'looking-glass self'!

[Soulbass]

Forest Gump Mama's says "Stupid is as stupid does".

So "Arrogance is as arrogance does".

Maybe you need to accept yourself as fully arrogant (authenticity) so you can get rid of that (naturally, polarized) and switch to the next thing.

Edited March 20, 2018 by Soulbass