Managing Emotions Through Family Members Terminal Illness

[beckycox]

Hi all

My Mum is currently terminally ill, she has been battling cancer for the past 5 years but in August 2015 we found out she had a brain tumour. She had surgery to remove it but she was then told there are no further treatments available to her on the NHS and that she only had three months left to live. My family and I spoke with various doctors and came across a treatment which was only available privately so we worked our butts off to raise £75k for her to get this treatment. She had the treatment in November but we found out in January that it didn't work. Over the past few weeks she has started acting 'strange' again so my family and I are pretty certain she has another tumour in her brain meaning things aren't looking great for the immediate future.

i had started my self actualisation process at the beginning of last year but couldn't dedicate much time to it in the second half of the year because of fundraising etc, but have picked it up in a big way over the past few months to try and help myself navigate through this minefield of emotion and pain. Most specifically I have been trying to work on effectively processing my emotions, so when I feel the gravity of the situation, I feel it fully rather than block it or run from it. I listen to a lot of Buddhist talks and I understand that 'want is the cause of all suffering', in my case I don't want my Mum to die, so I have been trying to relinquish this want and have been making effort to accept what is happening, as much as it isn't fair, knowing that my negative feelings will not influence the situation in anyway so it is better to let those feelings go. I have been using the Sedona Method (although I'm only half way through the book) and I do feel like it has helped, but now my concern is that I am almost too numb. I'm questioning whether this is my ego shielding me from what is really happening by putting on a 'self actualisation' mask, I'm not completely convinced this isn't a kind of denial on some level. 

I guess because I have never known what it is like to have a silent mind (I have long battled with an overactive monkey mind, depression and anxiety) I think now that I have one to a degree it has unnerved me. I always thought that when the darker parts of my mind quietend that it would be replaced by 'love and light', but it just feels like nothing has taken its place. Is this normal? Could it be that I have done it correctly but I am not able to access that 'love and light' because, despite my emotional training, this is still a stupidly, incredibly crappy thing that is happening to my family so I'm not exactly going to feel great?! It isn't depression, I know that for sure, I still laugh sometimes, and I still cry sometimes when it hits me, but I process it the best I can, and most of the time I feel nothing.

i hope that not too many people have been in the same situation verbatim (my heart goes out to you if you have), but does anyone have any advice on how to recognise whether it is in fact denial and this is my ego at play 'protecting' me from what is happening or, when you do manage to quieten your mind, is it right that nothing comes in to replace it?

Thanks for reading my essay aka therapy session!

[Ayla]

57 minutes ago, beckycox said:

i hope that not too many people have been in the same situation verbatim (my heart goes out to you if you have), but does anyone have any advice on how to recognise whether it is in fact denial and this is my ego at play 'protecting' me from what is happening or, when you do manage to quieten your mind, is it right that nothing comes in to replace it?

 

I can feel the surrender and the sensitivity that went into this post and I thank you for sharing it. 

There is an intelligence of the being that you are that is behind your current emotional state. Don't probe too much into the labeling - correct/incorrect. Work with whatever resonates with you. This is not a time to push anything, or create any more drama than it currently is there. Treat yourself with love and care, as much as you can experience it. Meaning, decide what you want to use, and work within the flow of it. If it seems overwhelming, let go. If it seems helpful, continue. 

These videos that might help you somehow. 

 

 

 

 

[Dhana Choko]

I am so sorry for what you have had to go through. This is so difficult and it seems like it has been going on for a long time. You must be exhausted. Please give yourself time to process your emotions and fears. This is a difficult time in your life and so many things come to surface. 

All the best to you and your whole family.

[Kelley White]

6 hours ago, beckycox said:

I guess because I have never known what it is like to have a silent mind (I have long battled with an overactive monkey mind, depression and anxiety) I think now that I have one to a degree it has unnerved me. I always thought that when the darker parts of my mind quietened that it would be replaced by 'love and light', but it just feels like nothing has taken its place. Is this normal? Could it be that I have done it correctly but I am not able to access that 'love and light' because, despite my emotional training, this is still a stupidly, incredibly crappy thing that is happening to my family so I'm not exactly going to feel great?! It isn't depression, I know that for sure, I still laugh sometimes, and I still cry sometimes when it hits me, but I process it the best I can, and most of the time I feel nothing.

@beckycox  I would like to open by saying I regret the pain you are experiencing at this time.   I have done hospice care; I can assure you that all the emotions you are experiencing are very normal.  I know many many very enlightened beings who still grieve the loss of dying loved ones.  

6 hours ago, beckycox said:

in my case I don't want my Mum to die, so I have been trying to relinquish this want and have been making effort to accept what is happening, as much as it isn't fair, knowing that my negative feelings will not influence the situation in anyway so it is better to let those feelings go.

Radical acceptance is challenging and there are many stages to grief and they don't always occur in a specific order; its not a linear process.   Be kind to you and patient with you.   https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

Sometimes when family are in the midst of caring for their loved one, they become numb to keep functioning.  Its a coping mechanism.  That is normal as well.

It seems like you are not in denial but working very proactively to cope with a painful situation.  I lost a friend to Brain cancer two years ago.  Challenging disease to care for.   I wish you and your family the best during this time of transitioning for your Mum.   

[Kelley White]

5 hours ago, Ayla said:

There is an intelligence of the being that you are that is behind your current emotional state. Don't probe too much into the labeling - correct/incorrect. Work with whatever resonates with you. This is not a time to push anything, or create any more drama than it currently is there. Treat yourself with love and care, as much as you can experience it. Meaning, decide what you want to use, and work within the flow of it. If it seems overwhelming, let go. If it seems helpful, continue. 

Again, I wholly agree with @Ayla

[beckycox]

@Ayla @Kelley White @Dhana Choko Thank you all deeply for your kind words and your incredible insight. You're right in that I do need to stop thinking about my thinking and just go with the flow. I feel that I have misplaced my want for control over the external to a want for control over the internal, I will work on letting this go.

Thank you again for helping me to see (and feel) clearly. Much love.

[Kelley White]

@beckycox You are very welcome.  Keep  us posted and we are  here for you.