Relationship Break Up Through Concious Work.

[MisterMan]

I'd really appreciate any type of support, words of encouragement or advice about this as it's really tearing me apart inside.

I have been so lucky to have met this wonderful woman for about 3 years and through her help i have been able to make some huge steps that i don't know if i would have been able to do on my own. I was living with my parents, my father had an undiagnosed mental condition, extreme anger issues and my mother has bipolar. So it was a rocky environment that through it all i found myself sedating myself on opiates and sleeping on the wood planks that your mattress lays on at night. Made no difference to me, i was out. 

So we met online and she was 33 and i 29.  I wanted a partner and despite my descriptions of my life which was a mess i did have somethings figured out that she was looking for. Like emotional intelligence, compassion and i had a stable income as i own my own business as a tradie. After conversing the other night thought it seems she had met a few people and the qualifications they had financially was CEO type stuff so it hurts to think that maybe there was someone else she could have chosen that would have given her exactly what she wanted. Instead she chose me and has to live with the consequences. I am drowning in guilt. 

 She was clear at the start, she wanted kids and marriage and wanted it in a few years as the biological clock was ticking if i didn't agree then she said there was no point in continuing this so i agreed as i genuinely wanted to be with her and i genuinely believed that 2 years was enough time and i'd be a different person by then.

Moving to the beginning of this year, i had bought the ring and was set to propose this year as discussed and be married next year and have kids the year after.  This year i ramped up my efforts to quitting where she has been super supportive of me in my efforts to quit and whilst not completely out of it i am on a very low dose of subutex and am stable. Although i couldn't just stop doing drugs as this was a byproduct of the thoughts and idea's that my awareness was and is attached to, acting out in this way. So through practicing meditation daily (apart from the last few days), smoking bud which i have found to be the most useful tool for self inquiry.

Allowing me to go extremely deep into the ocean of my own subconscious. I become a rabbit effectively and start burrowing holes into my psyche, sometimes i get scared and just like alice in wonderland i look for ways out but everywhere are obstacles i am afraid of. I realise I'm running away and just stay with it. Very cathartic and really allows me to penetrate my barriers and be with the emotions that dictate my life. Also the occasional mushroom trip every couple of months. Through these processes it has become painful to discover that the values that are beginning to crystalise in me, are different to hers. 

Like telling her that there is value in letting go, she doesn't really get it. The next day, rinse and repeat the same problem which is frantically delivered and it is a stressful state she's holding her head and i think. Why are you doing this? I try to help but she has made up her mind.

All this was very eye opening. Which is what led me to feel that this relationship was based on heavy obligation. I was doing this out of ought to for her sake and not mine and as a consequence I am drowning in guilt as i am undoubtedly responsible for wasting 3 years of her life. I see how different our views on living life are. 

I talk about liberating yourself from the fears of the future and the shackles of the past, the pain that holds you back and limits you in life. That is my goal. Hers is marriage and kids. She will do something that i will try to help her with and she's only interested in the bandaid solution of talking it out. Not inquiring the nature of worry or why you worry. So it's this never ending cycle that i want her to see it like i do and that would make things so much easier. 

Committing is a problem but not THE problem. I have desperately tried talking, conveying these things to her in the nature of the self and suffering and it's temporary nature. How the concepts we hold dear are reflections/representations of the actual things we held dear that are cloaked in "memory". Talking about the absurdity of it all and to her credit. She will listen and converse and for what it's worth i have sharpened my tongue with her. However none of it matters as she still holds the same mantra and it's becoming increasingly apparent that our modes of existence aren't for each other and it is killing us both. I started this with a real commitment to her, this was IT. I was going to make good on myself and her and it gave me great joy that i was her answer to life. 

She measures herself and her success in life to the marriage and kids parameter that most people abide to including her friends and things not going the way she wants is having a really negative effect on her and it's something that i consider staying just so she and I won't have to go through this. 

Fucking awakenings.

 

I've heard about "spiritual kick backs" spoken by leo/allan watts and maybe this is it. My ego kicking back in anyway imaginable, as i have really no desire to meditate any more. It just seems to uncomfortable. I kind of want to stay in my shell, of what i know. 

 

Edited March 16, 2018 by MisterMan

[deci belle]

hi mr Man…

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 …However none of it matters as she still holds the same mantra and it's becoming increasingly apparent that our modes of existence aren't for each other and it is killing us both. I started this with a real commitment to her, this was IT. I was going to make good on myself and her and it gave me great joy that i was her answer to life…

Yes, this should be a good lesson that though the commitment felt good~ it is telling that this obligation fulfilled a need for self-validation.

I don't usually do this, but I will quote the explanation of the 1st line of the 32nd hexagram Constancy of The Taoist I Ching, in its entirety.

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First yin: Deep constancy; fidelity brings misfortune. No benefit.

In the beginning of constancy, if one does not distinguish right and wrong and enters deeply into false ideas so that they persist extensively, this is "deep constancy." If one plunges in deeply without clearly understanding true principle, even if one wants to seek what is right, on the contrary one will bring on misfortune. This is constancy that brings no profit.

So the basis of constancy must be correct from the start for there to be benefit.

She possibly felt safer "committing" to one who needed fixing rather than going with the accomplished CEO, in this case, which is equally telling.

I didn't consult the I Ching in this instance, mr Man. I already knew the pattern and am familiar enough with decades of experience with the I Ching to have gone directly to that line to confirm the gravity of this situation.

It's definitely a drag when you accept the "right" task and it doesn't work out… ❤︎

[MisterMan]

Thanks. We've mutually agreed that what we want are not aligned. I am realising dependancy on any outer worldy thing is not for me. Something she doesn't quite get.

Despite the tears, i am amazed how peaceful, respectful and caring the process has been. We both deeply care about each other and will help each other transition/move forward(moving out etc) over the next couple months. 

I saw clearly yesterday the veil of defensive behavior i typically put up when difficult emotional states come up and how my operating under that premise did nothing to achieve what i really wanted. Was for her, and I to be happy.

I can already see this as an extremely positive thing despite the heartrbeak and tears that will not be slowing down any time soon. I see the grief as a blessing, because i can penetrate the coneptions of grief and deal directly with the source. Which is no my partner, it is not anything out there. It is in me, something in me cares deeply about something and for that i am so grafeful.