First Sex Doesn't Work

[Ninatale]

Never been through that before:

I have been seeing a guy now for 3 month. We manage to create a great emotional connection and real intimacy while kissing, hugging, sharing deep thoughts or laughing at the same things. It seems to be a perfect match, I have never felt such a connection before.
BUT: everytime we both get hot and start to touch the partner in the intimate parts, his erection stops and all sexual tension feels like blown away. This is very frustrating - and even worse, the whole problem seems to be the death blow of our story.
We talked a lot about the problem.
Quickly some facts about him, which might underline the paradox of all:
-He says that he loves kissing and hugging me
-He says that my face is wonderful to him
-He says that he really likes me
-He gets hard touching me, and once I managed to give him a hand job
-He was in a relationship that lasted 6 years, and hasn't got a lot of sexual experience with other women
-He says that he doesn't like me getting wet that quick (as I do, that's just my nature when I am really attracted to someone) and he would really be turned on if he had to put a lot of effort into getting me wet (like I would be more ready to have sex than him)
-He says that I would be somehow too skinny for him (I have an average weight (BMI 21), but an eating disorder and told him about that)
-He says that he has asked himself if he would be gay because of the lack of his virility, but he now is sure he is not
-He once was addicted to porn, and when he masturbates for himself he really likes it 

I stated the point that I might just not be his type of a girl, and he said that maybe this would be the case, but he doesn't want to admit. But he has contradicted himself a lot, he could not give me a plausible answer to the problem. Can this really be the reason for all that? If it would be, why is he able to get erect and says things like he loves my face or kissing me?

The whole thing is getting really back-breaking because on one hand, I don't want to lose him - on the other hand, I don't want to continue like that either. I for one never had problems with guys that could not have sex with me, rather the opposite - they invariably were all really keen on that. Combined with my past eating disorder an lasting lack of physical self acceptance (I can get over it if a men really likes my body and has sex with me), the whole thing is poison for my emotional stability.
We both don't actually know what to do about it, and we both agree that we don't want to give up the magnificent emotional connection, but also that sex would be an important part of an intimate relationship and that we cannot continue like that. It seems to be a vicious circle. I would be glad to here some voices of people who have been in a similar situation before or who might know what the core problem could be and how we could get out of it.

Kind regards!

[xXxXx]

Sounds like he has a psychological problem with his sexuality, especially that his penis gets flaccid when you touch it. Perhaps he thinks he is under pressure to prove his sexual skills to you and therefore can't enjoy the moment because of anxiety? Almost no guy would talk about this openly. Also the fact that he was 6 years in a relationship sounds interesting to me, plus the fact that he has no experience with other woman.. I think he pressures himself internally -> limp dingdong -> uncomfortable feeling for him -> talks nonsense to you to cover it up. If you are into him, give him time to open up and be sensitive.

[Cabot]

Quote

-He says that he doesn't like me getting wet that quick (as I do, that's just my nature when I am really attracted to someone) and he would really be turned on if he had to put a lot of effort into getting me wet (like I would be more ready to have sex than him)

This is really, really weird... This should be an honor. 

From what I can tell you are a normal girl, with healthy sexual appetites. He's obviously got some issues. The problem is that he's the only one that can work on that, no amount of effort on your part can fix that. 

Ask your self if he is making you happy, the way he is now. Don't expect any radical changes, but rather see if you can accept it. If you really like him, give it some time, but don't waste your life away on people who don't care.

I'd say he's either gay or has serious emotional issues with intimacy.

[kalter000]

45 minutes ago, Ninatale said:

He says that he doesn't like me getting wet that quick (as I do, that's just my nature when I am really attracted to someone) and he would really be turned on if he had to put a lot of effort into getting me wet (like I would be more ready to have sex than him)

Wow... that's something new. I even thought for a second ,that he likes to play submissive, he wants to work and serve you to get your approval and desire... considering him thinking about being gay that's all interesting...

Looks like his previous 6 years relationship left a huge inprint on his sexuality, interesting to know what his sex life was before. Maybe you can replicate these dynamic to fit his wants.

...but guys above are right- you can't change him and shouldn't change/betray yourself. It's up to him to fix his issues. I see no problem from your side and I admire your supportive approach towards him. If you are really into him, looks like you might need to be his therapist, open him up and in calm sincere atmosphere make him aware of his issues. That's the best you can do imo, only if you dare to care.

Edited March 3, 2016 by kalter000

[Lynnel]

The solution is really easy on this one :

Until he solves his different psychological problems, just take viagra.

Seriously. Simply take the blue pill. Once you will have sex and that's over, the whole issue will most likely dissapear. If not, break up, because it's gonna take forever to solve.

It might sound a bit harsh but It feels necessary from my perspective.

 

Edited March 3, 2016 by Lynnel

[Dhana Choko]

2 hours ago, Ninatale said:

-He says that he doesn't like me getting wet that quick (as I do, that's just my nature when I am really attracted to someone) and he would really be turned on if he had to put a lot of effort into getting me wet (like I would be more ready to have sex than him)
 

I think this is  probably because he is insecure about his abilities sexually and he has fears connected to being sexually active and keeping an erection and he somehow probably thinks that if you could take more time with sexual activities before actually getting it on, he might be more "ready" or something like that. But the problem is really with him that he is not ready - not that you are ready too fast. 

This is quite common with young guys and I would not be too worried about it. Just make it a non-issue or just talk about it with him, his fears of not being able to do it "right" or being "amazing" in bed or being somekind of a "sex machine" and it will probably just go away. Young men have a lot of insecurities and especially if it is someone they really like and want to make an impression on. So in a odd way his lack of erection can be a "compliment" to you, just like you getting wet early is a compliment to him.  

[Niki]

Everyone here already gave you awesome advice.

Whatever his issue is, it is not situational, because he mentioned having the same issues before. Making it clear - it is HIS issue.

I was in your shoes once, although his problem was situational, without any history of anything similar. He simply felt super pressured to preform (first three times in a row). And me, I was emphatic - I ended it. Why is it emphatic? Because you are in pain, he is in pain and ending it eliminates it so that you can find someone else. And he can resolve it. Or not?

Whatever you do, don't kid yourself how you are a "good person" if you drag it out with him for some time. If you want to help him out, that is cool as well of course if it resonates with you.

Btw the same guy that felt pressured preforming called me up after a few months and told me how grateful he is for meeting me and how I inspired him to change up some things (not sexual, it hasn't happened to him again....... why? coz it was a psych thing).

[Keyblade Viking]

He's probably really insecure, try sleeping naked together or something, also don't pressure him (and telling him there's no press can be very stressing as well if he think you're lying so just try to find that middle line but if you don't know how just be 100% authentic instead).

It could also be that all the porn is so fake and maybe his last girl friend was someone he didn't really like that much so he felt comfortable pretending he liked her or she treated him like shit and that turned him on, he might just want what he can't get like he have been trained to by the porn videos.

Like the others have said, whatever the case it's really his problem so don't blame yourself even if it sucks.

[Samir]

That's sometime can happen to many guys, although 3 months is a long time but from my own experience it's to do more with insecurity. I have been to such kind of situation myself but only when I just met with my then girlfriends in the early days because I was keep thinking about having sex with them before hand by thinking how can impress them and to last long but instead I was ending up with poor sex. However, having said that it wasn't that bad to not perform. Watching too much porn also can effect people's sexuality. For the time being vigra can work only as temporary solution. 

[Lynnel]

@Samir

4 hours ago, Samir said:

For the time being vigra can work only as temporary solution. 

It's not a permanent solution, but it's a permanent fix if you wish. Once you have sex once, your brain is gonna rewire itself and be like : oh wait it's actually fine I was full of crap.  View it as some sort of behaviour therapy