A Journey To Elsewhere

[jjer94]

every person is a work of art.

The month was February. This particular night was untainted like a private lake. I was sitting with a musician friend who is thirty years older but feels like a long-lost sibling. Our conversation dipped below pretense as the night carried on. She shared her struggles with me, and I shared mine with her.

I expressed general resentment towards my family, especially my father. I thought he was an unconscious prick. I nitpicked every single one of his personality flaws and relished the resulting narcissistic high. One of the personality flaws was too easy to criticize: his obsessive-compulsiveness and need for everything to be über organized. 

My friend respectfully disagreed. She told me how amazed she was whenever she came over and saw the shelves on wheels with perfectly labelled boxes. She told me how amazed she was when she learned of his resilience in single-handedly providing for a family in which one of the members has autism. She told me how amazed she was that all of us grew up relatively unscathed. 

Sure, we all have our differences and disagreements, she said. But look into the man's eyes. Look into his past. Organizing things may be a way he copes, but it's also his artwork, whether he realizes it or not. Every person is a work of art, JJ, and every work of art just wants to be appreciated in its entirety, warts and all. 

I still keep in mind what she said that night. Nobody's perfect; everyone has flaws. And paradoxically, in accepting the flaws you find perfection - not just in others, but also in yourself. And that perfection is art.

The Universe is a canvas. Humanity is a paintbrush.

 

[Azote]

On 17.08.2018 at 7:29 PM, jjer94 said:

@Azote Tell me about it...Sheesh!

I hope you're doing well  Your bracelet thingies are gorgeous.

Fortunately, it's worth it 

Slowly but surely I'm moving forward, thanks ❤️

[jjer94]

still a worse love story than twilight.

Quote

Such a person is usually able to ward off threatening depression with increased displays of brilliance, thereby deceiving both himself and those around him. However, he quite often chooses a marriage partner who either already has strong depressive traits or at least, within their marriage, unconsciously takes over and enacts the depressive components of the grandiose partner. This means that the depression is outside. The grandiose one can look after his "poor" partner, protect him like a child, feel himself to be strong and indispensable, and thus gain another supporting pillar for the building of his own personality, which actually has no secure foundations and is dependent on the sup- porting pillars of success, achievement, "strength," and, above all, of denying the emotional world of his childhood.

Alice Miller

I try not to go too deeply into personal life here...but this is just killing me. 

I'm not saying that I've read it... but you know how in the first Twilight, when Bella meets Edward for the first time, she winces in pain because of how attracted she is to him? That's how I feel about a particular someone I met recently. I barely know her, but my heart hurts for her. Literally hurts. I could bathe all day in her energy without saying a single word. She could say the stupidest shit, and none of it would change the way I feel about her. My body is like this: . She's a beautiful human, inside and out, and makes me grateful to be alive. To witness her spectacle and see God through her eyes is a gift of meaning. But damn, it hurts.

Why? She's......married. And I met her husband, and he's a wonderfully nice guy. And I am very respectful of boundaries. 

Seems as though the Universe loves to toy with me in this realm. All of the girls that I resonate with are either taken or halfway across the world. 

Going deeper... throughout childhood, just like my "friends," I was attracted to women that I could "rescue" to feel admired. But as Alice Miller points out in Drama of the Gifted Child, admiration is a substitute for true love. Playing the rescuer role destroys intimacy.

On an even deeper level... my relationships were Oedipal. I was attracted to women who resembled my mother, as I didn't receive proper mirroring as a baby and was looking to meet those needs through my crushes. I exuded neediness and repressed my masculine energy, which destroyed any sexual polarity. So basically, every single relationship I've ever had with any women ended in either being friendzoned or rejected. They saw through my bullshit years before I did. 

Fun times.

Now, the questions I don't want to ask... Am I attracted to this woman because I want to rescue her in some way? Because her energy is motherly? Hmm...

Time will tell. I'll try not to worry about this too much and instead focus on bettering, loving, and uncovering myself. Because once I can truly be happy and fulfilled on my own, I figure that's when the relationship stuff will start to bloom as a bonus. It's like icing on a cake. Cake is great on its own (especially yellow cake; holy shite if I didn't react to the gluten I would be morbidly obese from eating it every day), but it's even better with some icing. 

 

[jjer94]

shamanic snuff trip report.

Date: 8/21/18 or 21/8/18 for you weirdos.

Time of administration: ~2:00pm or 14:00 for you sensible people.

Shamanic snuff or "rapé" is a legal plant medicine commonly used in conjunction with ayahuasca ceremonies. It subtly helps to clear your energy body and re-align your chakras - no psychedelic visions with this particular plant medicine. 

The setting was perfect. We sat at the bottom of a bridge next to a river in a secluded natural area. I was a bit closed off energetically, but the sound of rushing water soothed my aching resistance. Holding a rose quartz crystal to the heart helped too. 

When the time was right, I set my intention: to release the emotional blockages that prevent me from being true to myself. I looked into the ground rapé and saw the image of a baby being held. Very fitting for my situation and well-received. The medicine kind of looked like ground black pepper, and the smell was pungent and earthy. 

A little more than 1/8 teaspoon (probably around 0.5g) was added to the pipe. I took a deep breath, and my guide blew rapé into one nostril. Another deep breath, and the rest was blown into the second nostril. Immediately I felt an overwhelming burning sensation in my throat. It felt as though a sandstorm was in my throat, and I couldn't breathe through my mouth. My general sense of being in the third eye shifted upwards, as though I was hovering above my body when my eyes were closed. 

What happened after that was a bit of a blur. I felt a little nauseous. My eyes teared like crazy, and I wiped the tears over my throat. The medicine worked its way through my entire body, grounding and cleansing me. I felt the urge to hock loogies, so I did, and out came the rapé. 

The after-effects were subtle yet profound. My heart chakra realigned itself, and I felt a deep loving connection with everything around me, including my guide. I laughed of joy. Memories of feeling this way in childhood flooded my head. I thought of one of my guinea pigs, and how he taught me how to love. I thought of that one girl in first grade with whom I held hands, and the memory made me smile. I thought of the home in which I grew up and immediately felt deep grief. Grief for the loss of childhood innocence. Grief for the loss of dependence. Grief for being out of the nest. I sat with that grief and tried to cry, but nothing came up. Instead, I felt through the immense pressure in my chest. 

After the coherence, I sat along the river for awhile to integrate what happened. Overall, the experience lasted around ten minutes. 

The verdict: Definitely another tool to add to the psychological healing toolkit. I would recommend rapé to beginner psychonauts, as it is mild but powerful enough to stir your energy body and produce much-needed insights into your life. 

I still have some integrating to do. Oddly enough, more significant things happened before and after the ceremony, rather than during the ceremony itself. 

 

[jjer94]

oblivious fat woman.

Things are shifting in me.

I'm reminded of that one scene in WALL-E where WALL-E accidentally bumps into one of the oblivious fat people on the ship, who truly notices her surroundings for the first time:

I am that oblivious fat woman. For years, I successfully avoided participating 100% in my life. I am the wallflower, koo-koo ka-choo. I used a variety of distractions to cope with the empty feelings, but now those distractions have run their course. (Until another set of distractions find their way into my life, and I get sucked into the unconscious vortex once more...dun dun duuuuuun...)

My Internet/Information addiction is on its way to the trash. As that happens, I realize how empty my life is - empty of quality meaning and relationships. Empty of that vivacious, self-expressive juice I used to have as a kid. Of course, I won't discount my near-miraculous transformation over the past year. Life is definitely a lot fuller than a year ago, but I clearly see now that I still have a ways to go.

I'm eager to live fully, but I'm simultaneously afraid to live fully - like a dog that's lived in a cage his whole life and is too afraid to leave, even though the cage door is open. A psychological death is required to proceed, as is the case with most personal growth.

Yesterday's events shook me in a good way. I acquired a fresh new perspective on things, and it makes my old perspective feel... well, old. And it makes my current circumstances feel expired. More specifically: the longer I stay in this living arrangement with the parents, the more I feel like I'm wearing an itchy wool sweater that I want to take off immediately. Fortunately, I think I have an escape route.

 

[jjer94]

a life that's true to you.

Knowledge is a decorative plate

sitting on a table sheet

in front of a lavish banquet.

To use knowledge without wisdom

is to eat the plate - 

it cracks your teeth

and tastes like shit.

Wisdom is the tempting scrumptious food

at the lavish banquet.

To use wisdom without knowledge 

makes for a messy dinner - 

the guests scorn your

lack of table manners.

A plate supports the food,

and the food supports what you do.

Both are needed for

a life that's true to you.

 

[jjer94]

the museum of natural unnaturals.

I am tired of being

a psychological fossil

in the museum of natural unnaturals. 

I am tired of playing

the stagnant game of broken promises

with other immovable fossils,

pretending like the world never changes

while exhibits come and go.

I am tired of holding

space for the ones who whine

of their condition while the exit

doors beckon every willing soul. 

The clock is ticking 

in the museum of natural unnaturals,

and every new hour 

is a fighting chance

to break our darling roles.

[jjer94]

getting used to the water.

Quote

“If we’re following our path, then worrying about what could or should happen is a worse illness than what could or should happen. And it’s more likely we’re going to be out of balance if we worry. The idea is that the future will take care of itself if we remain in the present. I really don’t know what I’ll do and I don’t think about it that much. Some might call that irresponsible. But that’s part of the path I’m on.”

Daniel Suelo, the man who quit money

A few days ago, I took an evening drive through the forest because...why the fuck not.

The newly autumn sun was peeking through a cloud, the air was humming with life, music was blasting, and I was zipping past the trees. Just me and the road. I thought about where I'd been over the past year and how I got to that present moment while chills of gratitude crept down my spine. 

A year ago, I was the sole survivor of a shipwreck, desperately hanging on to a floating board. My body was cold, my feelings were numb, and my mind was dissociated. But instead of trying to find another ship to wreck, I got used to the water. Instead of desperately grabbing onto more boards to stay afloat, I let the boards come to me. Now, my body is warmer, I can feel again, and my mind is coming back. 

I have never felt better in my life - and every day gets better. Despite the anxiety of not knowing myself, my mood is stable. I met a girl who lights me up and is ironically teaching me how to be okay with aloneness. She's inspired me to practice an abundance mentality, and now I find myself giving gifts to all the people I've met up here. I underestimated how good it feels to give without receiving.

I'm still addicted to the internet, as it provides a surrogate feeling of community that I sometimes lack. There's no point for me to resist it any longer; it will drop on its own, because within a month, I will move out and live with a community of like-minded people in the woods. Their focus is psychological healing, rewilding, and empowerment. I think this is the perfect next step for me, as I will live in the same area, but I will have more distance from the family for individuation. I still feel rage towards the parents, but I figure it's the rocket fuel I need to get the hell out of here. 

The more I learn. The less I know. The happier I am. 

 

[jjer94]

the emotion toad.

Apparently I had 124 generations of sorrow and 64 generations of rejection stuck in my heart.

Yesterday, I did an Emotion Code session for the second time. I did the first one a couple months ago with a pendulum, but this one was with another facilitator that used muscle testing. The premise of this healing modality is that we all have stuck emotions in our body, and through manipulating intuition and magnetism, these emotions can clear. I was a bit skeptical at first, but considering I've done much more woo-woo shit over the past couple years...I thought, ahhh what the heck. What's the worst that could happen? I teleport to the land of Unicorns?

An important concept from the modality is the Heart Wall. Virtually everyone has one. It's the armor we construct to protect us from feeling hurt in our hearts. Some people are more armored than others...and I happen to be one of those people. The facilitator told me my heart wall is (metaphorically) two miles in radius, which is one of the largest she's seen. During our session, we released more than ten of the emotions that comprise the heart wall. I had my fair share of psychosomatic reactions, including yawns and uncontrollable laughter for no reason. 

Some of the emotions released:

• Overwhelm
• Rejection from 64 generations
• Sorrow from 124 generations
• Abandonment from when I was 7
• Abandonment from when I was 8
• Panic from when I was 6
• Resentment toward a female when I was 19 (I remember that one...)
• And many more.

The facilitator told me that I would feel wonky the next few days, and boy is she right. My chest pain is worse, I felt the urge to cry last night for no reason, I'm exhausted and yawny, and I woke up feeling immense sorrow and a desire to stay in bed the rest of the day. Placebo? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I signed up for a few more sessions, along with a couple IR sauna sessions. I'm curious to see where this all leads. Worst case scenario, I lose a few bucks for the placebo effect, which I still think is money well spent. All hail the Emotion Toad!

Perfect timing, too, since this weekend I'm doing another workshop for the aforementioned "therapy on steroids" technique. 

So maybe heaven is a ghetto with no bad blocks
Shangri-La dealers at the bus stops
And maybe god is just a cop that we can fast talk
So if you're guilty and you know it, put your hands up
'Cause karma's just a different
Word for bad luck
And what if death is just another pair of handcuffs
Then we'd better run
Then we'd better run

[Samuel Rdz]

@jjer94 ,

I have somehow identified myself with lot of your posts, I have been also someone who is trying to just feel peace of mind, I should tell you that some years ago I was so bad in my feelings as if it fell into an abyss all day long, but something inside of me was telling me strongly at the same time that there was such a beauty after passing across that darkness that I was kind of guided to a ceremony of Ayahuasca in Mexico (where I'm from) it was overwhelmed, everything had sense that moment, who I'm, Why I was as I was feeling, I cried as a child, as never in my life and I was able only to say thank you! because of what I was. My friend, we are doing all this to ourselves, no more no less, as may be you have already read, we are each one of that people outside of us, we are making the whole joke, that is where we can start having our freedom back to recognizing that no body is there out side , we are playing all these characters (evil, good, fool, etc..) but that is not enough to know it, we need to experience it, for that we have holy Ayahuasca, DMT, mushrooms.. which are really windows to our hearts. 

This is not finishing there, I understand somehow why we can not escape from this world that we made, we lost the last piece of the puzzle which is buried deep inside of us without even being able to recognize it: we have an intense GUILT for what we think we committed, but I did not find the why of saying it here, I think that if this words resonate with you, you may find out what I'm talking about, if you feel that go study A Course In Miracle book, just forget all what you may think you know about that and if you know nothing of that teachings much better you are not yet contaminated with ideas or concepts about it. But go slowly, since real freedom is very near to you, you have to really go deep in the understanding of how everything works, you will do it since you want it, but you have to stop trying to keep your identity safe and at the same time becoming "enlightened", you have to chose once and for all in favor of your liberation, the ego is frightened about it, and you will Seriously threaten its thought system, sometimes it get worst while you are getting purified of yourself, but you will feel a light in your hands that even when is very strong you are healing, since is all about healing the mind that thinks is separate from what It is. You are not your idea of yourself, you are not your ego.

If this don't resonate with you, is ok too, but I know that deep inside you there is such a Beautiful Song that you know is there, and you know you want to play it again. And I have news, you are nothing else but That, so you are safe in any situation, as the creation of That One who is perfect. you can not create yourself, you have a creator who made you perfect, that is where all freedom comes. Ayahuasca and A Course in Miracles are 2 tickets to a real understanding (not in the mind) but understanding from what you really are, as is not just philosophical meaningless words, they are directed to one part of the mind that knows the Truth, for which all help is there.

This path is becoming serious, From A course in Miracles: ..you can not be in 2 worlds at the same time, you have to chose Truth or false self (ego).

I'm still struggling with lot of fears and anxiety, but little by little we make that decision to be what we really are, this is what is keeping me undoing my false self, and feeling more an more connected to that one Love that as one of your posts stated, is the only thing that exists, the way is long, but is as safe as God, and the end of this way there is an eternal laugh for what we forget. 

With lot of Love and humility.

Samuel

 

[jjer94]

@Samuel Rdz , thank you for sharing your thoughtful, poetic words. Over the past few years I've had tastes of what you talk about - and I know precisely the feeling of things getting worse before they get better. Right now I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff, and at the bottom is either luscious waves or craggy rocks. I'm about to move out of my living situation, and the one I'm moving into is conducive for this work in a harsh sort of way. 

Thank you for the suggestions. I will queue ACIM as my next book to read. As for the psychedelics, I will potentially take DMT and Ayahuasca in ceremonies within a year, so that base is already covered 

Quote

We have circled and circled till
we have arrived home again - we two have;
We have voided all but freedom,
and all but our own joy.
--Walt Whitman

 

[jjer94]

narcissistic-ethanol in the soul-car.

Quote

"All young children know how to make art - then school teaches them that they can't."
Tim Burton

Bloody hell, placebo my ass! I've felt a deep sorrow in my heart these past couple days ever since licking the Emotion Toad.

Yesterday morning, I had trouble getting out of bed. Before entering the shower in the evening, I cried for no reason. In the shower after cold thermogenesis, I cried some more. In my room, subconscious told me to listen to a particular song, and the first few chord strums made me cry some more. In bed, on the acupressure mat, my chest was vibrating as though it were ready to cry some more. Guess what? I did. 

Today, the feelings of loneliness, depression, rejection, sorrow, frustration, and agitation had a party and left broken Solo cups in my chest. They were all hungover and vomited too - no sense of self-respect. Basically, today felt like my imaginary dog of ten years had died. Given my practice in emotional mastery, I am able to weather the storm. But still, this fucking hurts!

What comes to mind is this. I spent more than ten years of my life constructing a house - a big, grandiose fucking house with an expertly thatched roof and bidets in the bathroom. The kind of house any naïve ten-year-old would dream to have. That house has been my persona, or what I present to the world. But now that I'm digging deep and looking through the house, I can't seem to find anyone living inside of it. It's so sad.

I feel this emptiness inside myself, like someone or something robbed the pure-octane gasoline from my soul-car and replaced it with narcissistic-ethanol. Deep down, I feel that the quality of meaning in my life is 2% of what it could be. I feel the splinter in my mind, as Morpheus puts it. But most of all, I feel this sadness in my heart ripe to release. 

 

Edited September 7, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

the no-seeking dimension.

Last weekend, I went to another training workshop for my therapy-on-steroids technique and came out the other end fresher than vegan excrement. 

My intuition is through the roof. During any conversation, I am now able to shift between words-mode and energetics-mode. Energetics-mode is where I scan the other person's subtle body, as well as their body language and nonverbal cues, to see the underlying intent behind their words. I am metamorphosing into an energetic lie detector that knows when a person is lying even when they themselves don't realize that they are. My lack of brain fog due to dietary changes has accelerated this intuitive development. 

The instructor also helped us tap into the "no-seeking dimension" - i.e. being, i.e. the place where there's nothing to "release," nothing to "integrate," nothing to "fix" about anyone or anything. The "seeking dimension" has its place, even if it is illusory. It's what got me to this point. I spend too much time there, however, and visiting the no-seeking dimension gave me respite and a chance for gratitude towards the mystery of life. 

An analogy came to me as I basked in the relaxation of not seeking. I thought about The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, a game on the N64 that I used to play. The premise: The moon is going to crash into clock town and end the world in three days, and Link the protagonist needs to stop it somehow. That urgency to stop the moon from crashing is the equivalent of how I feel when I'm in the seeking dimension. While urgency propels me forward, it also puts tremendous strain on my body if I'm in it all the time. 

Then, I imagined a scenario in which the fourth day comes, but the moon never crashes. There would only be...well, this, minus the urgency. The no-seeking dimension. A place where there's no time limit, where there's no feeling of urgency. 

That's how I felt at the end of the weekend - that innate sense that life is just an epilogue and I can enjoy every moment without the need to rush through everything like a madman in order to stop the moon from crashing. Of course, today I'm back in the seeking dimension, but the no-seeking dimension was a nice place to visit. I know I'll be back there someday.

 

[jjer94]

karma's a ditch.

I've been thinking a lot about karma lately. How sometimes, the most loving, helpful thing to do for a person is to leave them to their own devices. Reality will eventually slap them in the face, and it's their free will to go with or against the flow. And some people in this lifetime will continually go against the flow until the day they die. It makes no sense, but neither does Reality in general. 

The classic curmudgeon comes to mind. You know, the old fart that sits on his rocking chair holding a twelve gauge threatening kids to get off his lawn while the world around him gets bulldozed and un-dozed. The walls around his worldview are becoming brittle, and he will devote the rest of his life to rebuilding the walls in a Sisyphean struggle. I suppose it's noble, because good god, you've got to have some strong principles to go so deeply against the flow. And besides, what's the point in trying to change his mind? He is the legal suicide bomber, so completely entrenched in his ditch of beliefs that he wants to pull other people down, and nobody can pull him out.

Karma's a bitch, but she has to be, in order to give the lessons that she needs to give. As Jed McKenna says, Reality can be a playful puppy... but when that puppy doesn't get proper attention, she can piss all over your carpet and rip your sofa to shreds. 

The reason I'm thinking about karma is because I am positively shocked at my level of acceptance towards the struggles of the people around me. The spiritual ego shut up almost completely. It's not angry at the parents or the clueless store clerks for being so unconscious, and it doesn't crusade for spirituality or personal growth. It's just sitting there in that silent corner of my psyche having a time out with no foreseeable end. 

I haven't been writing much lately either because there's so little to complain about. Life is miraculous and amazing and painful and uncomfortable and all the shades in between. And it's all good. 

 

[jjer94]

elsewhere: a retrospective.

Quote

"We are in God's hands, brother, not theirs."
Harry, Henry V

I have finally made it to Elsewhere.

Tomorrow, I will move out of my parent's place and into an intentional community focused on personal growth and connecting with nature. What will I discover? Who will I meet? What treasures will I unearth along the way? Tune in next week to find out! 

Jokes aside, this has been a hell of a year, both literally and figuratively. Let's copy/paste the bullet points from my first post on this topic and see what I have accomplished thus far (comments on each point in red):

Issues:

• Chronically low self-esteem. I spent most of my young adult life being bullied and sucking up to others. Now I subconsciously believe I'm unworthy. I also believe that I don't deserve to get what I want. Hence the spiritual ego, hence the desire for purity in mind, body, and spirit. Spiritual ego is pretty much gone, but the feelings of unworthiness are still sneaking around.
• Chronic social anxiety. I'm years behind in my social skills. I notice my subtle body contracts whenever I'm around people. I feel like I'm being judged all the time. Much, much better. I'm finally "catching up." 
• Knee-jerk depression. It's 50% gone since I re-introduced meat back into the diet, but I still have some lows here and there. All gone.
• Being an INFJ and HSP, especially in a society that wants everything opposite to my personality. I judge myself harshly and beat myself up for not being like everyone else. Not anymore. I'm okay with being weird.
• ADHD. Again, tweaking the diet's helped a ton with this. Almost completely gone.
• Supporting myself financially. Uhhhh, what's a jorb? Still working on this one. I'm working towards a couple certificates that will potentially help me pay bills in the future. More on that in another post. 
• Body tensions. Improved a lot since starting hatha yoga, but still terrible posture, back pain, and psychosomatic issues. Posture is noticeably better. Back pain is still there, but much more bearable. Foam rolling and massage balls at night are helping, too.
• I don't know how to be a friend. No, seriously. I have acquaintances, but virtually no friends. I don't reach out to people, not even my brother. I don't know how. I've been reaching out to people over the past few months, although I don't usually notice it when I do it. This will improve in the coming months.
• Sexual repression. Likely due to past heartbreaks and weird Freudian shit in childhood. Still repressed, but much more acceptance of my sexual quirks.
• Living in a town surrounded by old retirees as a twenty-something. I've met other twenty-somethings and like-minded people that meet my needs.

Desires:

• I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to love myself as I am.  Definitely feel more comfortable in my skin. Still working on the self-love thing. I'd say 40% improvement in this realm.
• I want to be comfortable around everyone. I want to be as open as possible. 30% improvement.
• I want to serve others. Will soon get a certificate that involves serving others. 
• I want to feel joy again. Done.
• I want to find my place. I found a place. Just not sure if it's my place.
• I want to be able to commit to things and focus without abandoning ship at any sign of failure.  15% improvement. Needs work.
• I want to choose what I watch on Youtube instead of the other way around. 65% improvement. MUCH better. I don't get lost in the youtube clickbait as much as I used to.
• In the meantime, I'd like to have an enjoyable day job that doesn't sap my energy, so I can support myself. Sort of done. Again, those certificates will help me in the near future.
• I'd like to feel like I'm actually in my body and not feel like an alien. Nope, still an alien. But definitely more in my body.
• Having a friend scares me and feels too labor-intensive, but I think it would be nice to try. I have a friend now!
• I'd like to try dating again at some point. Needs work.
• I want to live on my own again. Done.

Phew. Another chapter of my life - done. I'm really leaving the nest this time. I'm a smorgasbord of excited, terrified, nervous, surrendered, incapable, and capable. On the edge of a diving board, waiting to jump into the chrome ooze from Super Mario 64, totally clueless of the outcome. 

We'll jump, and we'll see. That's life, right?

 

[Salcedoop]

On 10/3/2018 at 9:07 PM, jjer94 said:

Chapter 3.

I wondered how long it would take before I slithered my way back into journaling. Two weeks. Not bad.

This was my first incarnation, at the birth of the forum:

That JJ guy had a few awakening experiences and immediately latched onto the spiritual ego like a baby on his mother's breast. He wanted to proselytize everyone around him to join "Group Consciousness," a coalition against all sleepwalkers. He preached from the bible of Neoadvita, using poetic Jed McKenn-an lines such as "There's nowhere to go," "Life is play," and "Stop seeking." Little did he realize, the group leader himself was an unconscious dimwit. Whoops! 

And then, the second incarnation:

After realizing that initial spiritual awakening was not a cure-all for chronically low self-esteem, that JJ guy almost killed himself through orthorexia, an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating. He stopped running from the grief, the shame, and the anger of past hurts - and proceeded to fall apart. Back and forth, back and forth, he oscillated from immense love to immense hopelessness. He was standing at the edge of oblivion, looking down at the gaping hole, pondering about meaning and what to do next. But the Universe found many ways to save his life, whether through a yoga pose, a song, a book, or a few lovely forum members.

He thought he wanted to be a musician. But after being immersed in the field for a few years, the motivation waned. Idealistic blinders removed, he made one final effort to publish five songs. And that was that. I haven't picked up the guitar or sang in a few weeks. The musician in me is dead, and I'm currently in the grieving process.

Now, it's time to get real.

I've had some profound awakening experiences. I have agape moments - those moments where you are so grateful to be alive that it tears your heart to pieces. But I still commit spiritual procrastination every day. I know the path (i.e. real life), but I avoid walking it. Nonono, let's not sugar-coat this with, "There are no such thing as problems, because #nonduality! Just contemplate! DOI DOI!" Been there, done that. Definitely helps to have that perspective, but if I want to be somewhat human again (which I think is preferable to being a nondual drunk-on-emptiness camel), I think it's a good idea to be as honest as possible with myself and re-establish balance in my life. 

Issues:

• Chronically low self-esteem. I spent most of my young adult life being bullied and sucking up to others. Now I subconsciously believe I'm unworthy. I also believe that I don't deserve to get what I want. Hence the spiritual ego, hence the desire for purity in mind, body, and spirit.
• Chronic social anxiety. I'm years behind in my social skills. I notice my subtle body contracts whenever I'm around people. I feel like I'm being judged all the time.
• Knee-jerk depression. It's 50% gone since I re-introduced meat back into the diet, but I still have some lows here and there.
• Being an INFJ and HSP, especially in a society that wants everything opposite to my personality. I judge myself harshly and beat myself up for not being like everyone else.
• ADHD. Again, tweaking the diet's helped a ton with this.
• Supporting myself financially. Uhhhh, what's a jorb?
• Body tensions. Improved a lot since starting hatha yoga, but still terrible posture, back pain, and psychosomatic issues.
• I don't know how to be a friend. No, seriously. I have acquaintances, but virtually no friends. I don't reach out to people, not even my brother. I don't know how.
• Sexual repression. Likely due to past heartbreaks and weird Freudian shit in childhood.
• Living in a town surrounded by old retirees as a twenty-something.

Desires:

• I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to love myself as I am.
• I want to be comfortable around everyone. I want to be as open as possible. I want to serve others.
• I want to feel joy again.
• I want to find my place.
• I want to be able to commit to things and focus without abandoning ship at any sign of failure. I want to choose what I watch on Youtube instead of the other way around.
• In the meantime, I'd like to have an enjoyable day job that doesn't sap my energy, so I can support myself.
• I'd like to feel like I'm actually in my body and not feel like an alien.
• Having a friend scares me and feels too labor-intensive, but I think it would be nice to try.
• I'd like to try dating again at some point. 
• I want to live on my own again.

I likely missed a couple things, but they'll appear later in this journal.

Now is the time to learn how to do this adult human thing, one small step at a time. Now is the time to go from point A to point B. Now is the time for a journey to elsewhere.

 

Can relate. Hang in there! ... enjoyed the music btw, thks for that! 

Edited September 27, 2018 by Salcedoop

[Samuel Rdz]

Hey JJer94, where are you? how are you doing? give us hear from you, I would love to know that you are being very busy looking for that freedom very desired and very near of us. your posts were very special in a time where the night was driving my time, thank you!

  Hope to have news about you and be able to find more writings from you

 

Samuel

[jjer94]

Hi @Samuel Rdz , 

Thanks for thinking of me!  You can find the next chapter to my journey here. I plan to continue the writing indefinitely.

I hope all is well with you. 

Cheers,

JJ