Chapter 3. I wondered how long it would take before I slithered my way back into journaling. Two weeks. Not bad. This was my first incarnation, at the birth of the forum: That JJ guy had a few awakening experiences and immediately latched onto the spiritual ego like a baby on his mother's breast. He wanted to proselytize everyone around him to join "Group Consciousness," a coalition against all sleepwalkers. He preached from the bible of Neoadvita, using poetic Jed McKenn-an lines such as "There's nowhere to go," "Life is play," and "Stop seeking." Little did he realize, the group leader himself was an unconscious dimwit. Whoops!  And then, the second incarnation: After realizing that initial spiritual awakening was not a cure-all for chronically low self-esteem, that JJ guy almost killed himself through orthorexia, an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating. He stopped running from the grief, the shame, and the anger of past hurts - and proceeded to fall apart. Back and forth, back and forth, he oscillated from immense love to immense hopelessness. He was standing at the edge of oblivion, looking down at the gaping hole, pondering about meaning and what to do next. But the Universe found many ways to save his life, whether through a yoga pose, a song, a book, or a few lovely forum members. He thought he wanted to be a musician. But after being immersed in the field for a few years, the motivation waned. Idealistic blinders removed, he made one final effort to publish five songs. And that was that. I haven't picked up the guitar or sang in a few weeks. The musician in me is dead, and I'm currently in the grieving process. Now, it's time to get real. I've had some profound awakening experiences. I have agape moments - those moments where you are so grateful to be alive that it tears your heart to pieces. But I still commit spiritual procrastination every day. I know the path (i.e. real life), but I avoid walking it. Nonono, let's not sugar-coat this with, "There are no such thing as problems, because #nonduality! Just contemplate! DOI DOI!" Been there, done that. Definitely helps to have that perspective, but if I want to be somewhat human again (which I think is preferable to being a nondual drunk-on-emptiness camel), I think it's a good idea to be as honest as possible with myself and re-establish balance in my life.  Issues: Chronically low self-esteem. I spent most of my young adult life being bullied and sucking up to others. Now I subconsciously believe I'm unworthy. I also believe that I don't deserve to get what I want. Hence the spiritual ego, hence the desire for purity in mind, body, and spirit. Chronic social anxiety. I'm years behind in my social skills. I notice my subtle body contracts whenever I'm around people. I feel like I'm being judged all the time. Knee-jerk depression. It's 50% gone since I re-introduced meat back into the diet, but I still have some lows here and there. Being an INFJ and HSP, especially in a society that wants everything opposite to my personality. I judge myself harshly and beat myself up for not being like everyone else. ADHD. Again, tweaking the diet's helped a ton with this. Supporting myself financially. Uhhhh, what's a jorb? Body tensions. Improved a lot since starting hatha yoga, but still terrible posture, back pain, and psychosomatic issues. I don't know how to be a friend. No, seriously. I have acquaintances, but virtually no friends. I don't reach out to people, not even my brother. I don't know how. Sexual repression. Likely due to past heartbreaks and weird Freudian shit in childhood. Living in a town surrounded by old retirees as a twenty-something. Desires: I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to love myself as I am. I want to be comfortable around everyone. I want to be as open as possible. I want to serve others. I want to feel joy again. I want to find my place. I want to be able to commit to things and focus without abandoning ship at any sign of failure. I want to choose what I watch on Youtube instead of the other way around. In the meantime, I'd like to have an enjoyable day job that doesn't sap my energy, so I can support myself. I'd like to feel like I'm actually in my body and not feel like an alien. Having a friend scares me and feels too labor-intensive, but I think it would be nice to try. I'd like to try dating again at some point.  I want to live on my own again. I likely missed a couple things, but they'll appear later in this journal. Now is the time to learn how to do this adult human thing, one small step at a time. Now is the time to go from point A to point B. Now is the time for a journey to elsewhere.