A Journey To Elsewhere

[jjer94]

Chapter 3.

I wondered how long it would take before I slithered my way back into journaling. Two weeks. Not bad.

This was my first incarnation, at the birth of the forum:

That JJ guy had a few awakening experiences and immediately latched onto the spiritual ego like a baby on his mother's breast. He wanted to proselytize everyone around him to join "Group Consciousness," a coalition against all sleepwalkers. He preached from the bible of Neoadvita, using poetic Jed McKenn-an lines such as "There's nowhere to go," "Life is play," and "Stop seeking." Little did he realize, the group leader himself was an unconscious dimwit. Whoops! 

And then, the second incarnation:

After realizing that initial spiritual awakening was not a cure-all for chronically low self-esteem, that JJ guy almost killed himself through orthorexia, an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating. He stopped running from the grief, the shame, and the anger of past hurts - and proceeded to fall apart. Back and forth, back and forth, he oscillated from immense love to immense hopelessness. He was standing at the edge of oblivion, looking down at the gaping hole, pondering about meaning and what to do next. But the Universe found many ways to save his life, whether through a yoga pose, a song, a book, or a few lovely forum members.

He thought he wanted to be a musician. But after being immersed in the field for a few years, the motivation waned. Idealistic blinders removed, he made one final effort to publish five songs. And that was that. I haven't picked up the guitar or sang in a few weeks. The musician in me is dead, and I'm currently in the grieving process.

Now, it's time to get real.

I've had some profound awakening experiences. I have agape moments - those moments where you are so grateful to be alive that it tears your heart to pieces. But I still commit spiritual procrastination every day. I know the path (i.e. real life), but I avoid walking it. Nonono, let's not sugar-coat this with, "There are no such thing as problems, because #nonduality! Just contemplate! DOI DOI!" Been there, done that. Definitely helps to have that perspective, but if I want to be somewhat human again (which I think is preferable to being a nondual drunk-on-emptiness camel), I think it's a good idea to be as honest as possible with myself and re-establish balance in my life. 

Issues:

• Chronically low self-esteem. I spent most of my young adult life being bullied and sucking up to others. Now I subconsciously believe I'm unworthy. I also believe that I don't deserve to get what I want. Hence the spiritual ego, hence the desire for purity in mind, body, and spirit.
• Chronic social anxiety. I'm years behind in my social skills. I notice my subtle body contracts whenever I'm around people. I feel like I'm being judged all the time.
• Knee-jerk depression. It's 50% gone since I re-introduced meat back into the diet, but I still have some lows here and there.
• Being an INFJ and HSP, especially in a society that wants everything opposite to my personality. I judge myself harshly and beat myself up for not being like everyone else.
• ADHD. Again, tweaking the diet's helped a ton with this.
• Supporting myself financially. Uhhhh, what's a jorb?
• Body tensions. Improved a lot since starting hatha yoga, but still terrible posture, back pain, and psychosomatic issues.
• I don't know how to be a friend. No, seriously. I have acquaintances, but virtually no friends. I don't reach out to people, not even my brother. I don't know how.
• Sexual repression. Likely due to past heartbreaks and weird Freudian shit in childhood.
• Living in a town surrounded by old retirees as a twenty-something.

Desires:

• I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to love myself as I am.
• I want to be comfortable around everyone. I want to be as open as possible. I want to serve others.
• I want to feel joy again.
• I want to find my place.
• I want to be able to commit to things and focus without abandoning ship at any sign of failure. I want to choose what I watch on Youtube instead of the other way around.
• In the meantime, I'd like to have an enjoyable day job that doesn't sap my energy, so I can support myself.
• I'd like to feel like I'm actually in my body and not feel like an alien.
• Having a friend scares me and feels too labor-intensive, but I think it would be nice to try.
• I'd like to try dating again at some point. 
• I want to live on my own again.

I likely missed a couple things, but they'll appear later in this journal.

Now is the time to learn how to do this adult human thing, one small step at a time. Now is the time to go from point A to point B. Now is the time for a journey to elsewhere.

 

[jjer94]

nutritional socializing.

An old high school friend drove up to visit me for the past couple days. He's the only childhood buddy with whom I say in touch.

We caught up on our lives, sharing the trials and tribulations of becoming an adult. Listening to his story and advice revealed to me how cloistered I am, as well as how unwilling I am to explore life further. He triggered defeatism, my knee-jerk response against any idea of a drastic life change. His presence was draining, since I didn't get any alone time for over twenty-four hours (#introvertproblems) and I haven't talked to a fellow twenty-something in months, besides my bro.

Even so, the interaction was nourishing. No joke; I felt satiated after spending time with him. Which makes me wonder whether socializing is a "nutritional" requirement for the human experience...which further makes me wonder whether my symptoms over the past several months are partly the result of excessive introversion.

For someone who loves and hates people at the same time, social interaction is a tricky balancing act. I also think it's weird. Not the business interactions, just the casual "going out" ones: Two people blabbering nonsense to each other, both literally in their own little worlds, all for amusement and the desperate (asymptotically unattainable) need to be understood.

I sound like Squidward. Maybe if I dance for a bit and take a cold shower my opinion will change. 

 

[jjer94]

falling together.

Quote

“If a person is living a sexual life and living out of his sexual feeling, then a lot of life is foreplay."
Stanley Keleman

My dreams have consistent themes. In one type of dream, I am spider-man, flinging myself on top of buildings and causing shenanigans. In another type of dream, I'm playing a video game so immersive that while I know it's just a game, I become the character. Then, of course, there's the nostalgia dream, where I'm in some old location, feeling "at home" and intimate with people I used to know. 

I still haven't read Jung yet, but I know he says that dreams are the mind's attempt to integrate the conscious and subconscious. Essentially, dreams re-introduce the fragmented aspects of ourselves. They are messengers for wholeness, or what Jung calls "individuation."

I resonate with his description. Oftentimes, I feel more deeply in my dreams than I do in the waking state. Whenever I wake up from these deep dreams, I feel depression and a sense of yearning. I feel as though parts of myself are fragmented or missing, and only my dreams reveal them.

Seems these past few years have been less a journey from the personal to the transpersonal (i.e. enlightenment), and more a journey from the pre-personal to the personal. The pre-personal, fragmented ego constructs boundaries for protection, but those boundaries also prevent wholeness. When the yearning for wholeness exceeds the yearning for protection, the fragmented ego sheds its boundaries like a cicada shedding its exoskeleton. In that moment, the fragmented ego believes that things are falling apart. 

But things aren't falling apart. They're falling together.

 

[jjer94]

abre los ojos.

What are you?

A body? A pair of hands? Fingers? Legs? Toes? Knees? A nose? A mouth? A set of teeth? A tongue? A pair of black pupils? A penis? A vagina? A nosehair? A snot bubble? A moving body? A heartbeat? A vocalization? Touching? Tasting? Smelling? Seeing? Hearing? Thought sensations? A gross body? A subtle body? A causal body? Consciousness? Awareness? Attention? 

How about a conceptualization? A mind? A brain? A thought? A symbol? A "you"? A personality? An INFP? An Enneagram 7? A life path number 8? Gregarious? Shy? Ambitious? Lazy? Lovable? Unlovable? Perfect? Defective? An ego with a past and future? A spiritual ego? An asshole? An entity behind the eyes? God and the million other names for God? 

Labels upon labels upon labels. A mass of labels you desperately try to hold together. A mass of labels you are hard-wired to defend. See through the labels, and nothing's left. 

Go watch some TV. Look at the people on the screen. Look at the movements, the vocalizations, the sounds coming from nowhere and going nowhere. Look at their pupils, and realize there is nothing behind them. They are Black Holes. When you stare into someone's eyes, you're staring into the Nothingness that you are. You're staring into Life, into Death, into this. 

Abre los ojos. 

Where are these words coming from? Nowhere. Who's writing them? No one.

 

[jjer94]

the one-two punch.

I had yet another one-two punch dream last night.

The first part was about intimacy. I was with a group of random people on a steam boat in an open-ceiling cave. We seemed to be the only humans in existence. The group conversation was uninteresting to me, so I looked at the moon, which was encased in unmoving flames. I witnessed a couple on the boat that I intuitively knew had bad chemistry. The girl's name was Monica - a gorgeous blond with gentle demeanor. When the steam boat arrived at the dock, everyone left except for Monica and me. I can't remember exactly what she said. Something like, "There's something about you, JJ. I just can't put my finger on it." Even though I knew she was in a relationship, I kissed and held her anyways. She looked like she needed that.

The second part was about adventure. Upon leaving the cave, I entered the world of Fallout: New Vegas. I had an assault carbine with infinite ammo. After only a minute of exploring the desert, I stumbled upon a pack of super mutants and proceeded to rapid fire them to bits. Ahhh...well that was fun. Then I woke up to yet another bland, ordinary day.

The two things that are currently missing in my life: intimacy and adventure.

Intimacy. You know what I miss? I miss having a good cuddle session. I miss being open with a partner. I miss the vulnerability of sexual encounter. I used to be a lovey-dovey, a hopeless romantic. What happened?

Heartbreak happened. I remember my first heartbreak in first grade. One day, my crush said she was in love with me. We held hands. The next day, she told me that she was no longer in love with me. I can't help but laugh about it. Relationships have been shitty ever since.

Adventure. You know what I miss? I miss cave-diving for diamonds in Minecraft. I miss playing with Legos. I miss playing with toy guns. I miss exploring a new open world, especially a post-apocalyptic one. I miss reading fiction and watching sci-fi movies. I miss role-playing. I miss losing myself in a fantasy world. I remember back in elementary school, I used to write comics - never for the finished product, but for the process. I used to make board games never to play them, but to see where they led. What happened? 

Life happened. My dad and brother told me in childhood that video games were a complete waste of time. They rationed my playtime. They wanted me to socialize instead. In school, imagination was downplayed and following directions was praised. By middle school, Legos and board games were uncool. I hated the fact that essays were graded. Instead of letting the imagination run wild, I just wrote what the teachers wanted to hear so I could get the A. And how could I forget the man himself, Leo for Actualized.org? My role model? The one who suggests reading all the non-fiction and ditching all the fiction? The one who suggests to eliminate all distractions, all hobbies, and instead master a single field, a singular "life purpose", into which I sink 10,000 hours? 

All I have to say about that is... BUT LEO!!! 

 

[jjer94]

infp laundry list.

After another month of deliberation and research, I realized that I'm not an INFJ. Not even close. I'm actually an INFP in the process of actualization. 

Prepare for another massive laundry list. 

Primary: Introverted Feeling

• My modus operandi is to do whatever "feels right" in the moment. What "feels right" is based on a number of subconscious values, as well as my "gut feeling".
• I am addicted to learning and acquiring new information in order to refine my inner values. I always have questions.
• I am a seeker, not a knower. (INFJ's describe themselves as "knowers")
• My communication style is informing, which means that I tend not to give directives (INFJ's are directors). If I need someone to do something for me, I am usually vague. ("There's no more eggs left." versus "Can you get more eggs at the store?")
• I prefer not to tell others how to live their lives, and instead prefer to clarify their own inner worlds.
• I prefer to give emotional support and hold space for someone rather than give advice. 
• I prefer to be the change rather than tell others to change.
• I prefer to listen rather than speak.
• While on the outside I appear to be calm, unemotional and open-minded, I cringe a little on the inside whenever someone or something violates my values. It's gotten better since learning about personality types.
• I HATE social norms, small talk and people pleasing (extraverted feeling, INFJ's secondary function). I used it a lot in the past, but if I don't have to use it, I won't. If there's a guest at the door, I let someone else do the introductions. For the love of God, let's get these social games out of the way so we can talk about the deep, juicy, meaningful stuff...
• I distance myself from people who can't hold a deep conversation, i.e. the majority of the human population. 
• I strongly dislike hallmark holidays. To me, they're too shallow. A surprise hug from a special someone on a random day means much more to me than a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day.
• I don't look up to people known as "authorities" or down on people known as "novices." I think the whole idea of credentials is kind of dumb. I wish I didn't have to go through college to get a piece of paper that now says I'm an authority on biology because I memorized a bunch of stuff. 
• Minimalist, locavore, stage green, etc.

Secondary: Extroverted Intuition

• I always had a hard time with Ralston's sitting contemplation (an introverted intuition activity suited for INFJ's). I thrive with journal entries and Jed McKenna's spiritual autolysis. By the way, I LOVE Jed McKenna's works. They're my favorite spiritual books, not because of the information but because of the writing style. I suspect Jed himself is an INFP.
• In order to contemplate something and generate insights, I need some sort of stimulus - a book, a video, etc. 
• In a typical conversation or monologue, I go on a million tangents. My mind works laterally and is good at connecting a bunch of different topics together. I describe myself as a dot connector. A jack of all trades, but a master of none. 
• I prefer to create things for the process rather than the outcome.
• I look for meaning in literally everything. I even looked for meaning within meaning. Bad idea...
• I have what I call agape moments - those moments where I'm so deeply overwhelmed by the beauty of life that the feelings tear me to shreds, and gratitude overflows.
• I make gigantic lists like these to organize my thoughts and amuse myself. I don't expect potential readers to get this far down the list.
• I've spent more than a month deliberating my MBTI type, taking all the tests on the Internet.

Auxilary: Introverted Sensing

• For me, compassion arises when I've been through similar experiences. It doesn't arise automatically like an INFJ.
• I don't absorb or "empath" emotions. Rather, I mirror them. 
• I gravitated towards hatha yoga, the best spiritual practice for introverted sensors.
• I trust my direct experience over hearsay (especially when it comes to diet).
• I am extremely sensitive to the subtle effects of food. Gluten makes me quasi-autistic. Pasteurized dairy gives me the sniffles. Even most grains make me bloat and feel uncomfortable. Sorry, quinoa, but you're a bitch.
• I am heavily aware of body tensions.
• If I have to give advice, I give it based on direct experience.
• I love indulging in nostalgia - old video game music, movies I've already seen, etc. 
• I am a creature of habit, except when it comes to acquiring information. I prefer to stay in one physical location. 

Achille's Heel: Extraverted Thinking

• My mind is restless. I am terrible at being "in the moment."
• I am terrible at following directions.
• I preferred to dump my legos in a box and improvise instead of follow the damn instruction booklet. 
• I am terrible at making timely decisions, because my introverted feeling is busy weighing 1000 different options.
• I am terrible at sticking with things. I often give up once I get the "gist" of something...which is probably why I've struggled so much with Leo's Life Purpose Course. 
• I am terrible at following through with projects. I often forget about long-term projects halfway through their fruition.
• I haven't been able to last more than 6 months at any particular job.
• I don't like being told what to do. Cubicle life is not for me. 
• The male is expected to make the firm decisions during a date, but again, I have difficulty with that. My brother, who is excellent at extraverted thinking, used to call me a wuss and ask me what I was so afraid of. 
• People who don't know me well usually view me as lazy and/or sensitive.
• Most of my life was spent following in others' footsteps, because I didn't know how to make my own decisions. 
• I'm taking a test tomorrow that will probably diagnose me with ADHD.

If y'all are also struggling with the INFJ/INFP conundrum, this may help clarify things. 

 

[jjer94]

got a head full of dust.

I realized this morning that I have no role models.

In real life, I've felt this way for a few years now. I feel like a needle in a haystack. Maybe this is spiritual ego speaking, but I'm surrounded by people who refuse to take responsibility for their inner space. Psychological maturity is the main quality I admire in a person, and when very few people around me exhibit that quality, I feel lost, frustrated and discouraged. 

Sure, there's Leo, but I now see him more as a fellow actualizer than a role model. He's on his own unique journey. I don't want to emulate his life because I'm not him. His personality differs from mine, so he has different things to contribute. I'd say I resonate more with Matt Kahn. Even still, I can only watch so many moving pixels of talking heads before I realize how out of place I am. I don't even look up to my therapist. She helps clarify my feelings, but even she is stuck in stage orange. 

Living in a country bumpkin town doesn't help. Nor does spending time with psychologically underdeveloped parents in a codependent relationship. Ironically, they see me as underdeveloped, because they admire real-world experience (extraverted thinking, in MBTI terms - my achilles heel) over psychological maturity... which is fair enough. They don't want me to venture anywhere outside the state or to live alone again, so until I find roommates I'm here. I feel so stuck and limited. Perhaps I'm not as psychologically mature as I thought I was.

I have some ideas of what I want to do next, but I feel this constant gap between point A and point B. Something in me keeps saying, "let's wait before making X decision." I may as well wait till I'm on my death bed, because I don't know what the hell I really want. It changes every day. Scientist, researcher, musician, producer, writer, coach, healer, spiritual practitioner, researcher. What's next? Circus performer? Skydiver? Professional nose picker? 

This is my story. Nobody can make anything of it, except for myself. I wonder if I can get by without any role models, and instead strive for some ideal in my dusty head.

 

Edited March 22, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

a simple conspiracy.

I listen to

the laughs and laundered hypocrisies

of loving hearts in the afternoon.

How can I complain?

They are a product of the times,

not knowing what they don't know -

while I know less. 

Every generation fights change 

like untame dogs barking at the sky.

I hear Nature's lonely footsteps

eager to say goodbye.

Until then,

I celebrate a simple conspiracy with myself.

No Gods, no kings - not even Man.

Only Consciousness.

 

Edited March 23, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

the "hu" returns to the man.

The year is 2148.

Forty years after nuclear war ravaged the earth, and nuclear winter has not let up. Dust and silence cover the horizon. The endless expanse of gray has wiped most dualities out of existence. 

For years, he lived with a rescue group, but the food shortages and riots took away what they were trying to rebuild. Now, the man resides in a cabin of the North, living off of radioactive game that he hunts himself. The temperatures are frigid, regularly dipping well below the sub-zero. The North is fortunately far enough away from the Blast Zones that the boy doesn't need to wear the rescue group mask, but the air is thin nonetheless.

The man hasn't seen another soul for over a year, completely unaware of the deleterious effects of long-term isolation on his psyche. He was, however, accustomed to the aloneness. He learned to be fiercely independent from an early age as he grew up in the winterized post-apocalyptia, the bastard son of a runaway marauder. Or so his mother said, before she died of a drug overdose.

Most of his days are spent sitting by the wood-burning stove for warmth. The thoughts ran out a long time ago. So did the booze and canned provisions. Now, only an eerie silence within and without - an eerie silence that marks the end of stories.

He has two bullets left in his hunting rifle. He never planned for the day that he'd run out of ammo. The cabin seemed to hold an endless supply alongside all the other preps, so worrying about "the next step" was never his priority. But today, reality smacks him square in the face. 

To this man, life was just about keeping a body alive. No concepts of purpose, virtue, achievement, art, or even sex. At this point, he may as well be more robot than human, certainly no more human than the AI manufactured after the Singularity. 

And yet, on this momentous occasion, the thoughts return. 

What now? What the hell am I doing here? What's the point? Where have I been? 

The "hu" returns to the man as though awakening from hibernation - both a blessing and a curse.

On the one hand, there never was a point to his living, and he knows it. The world was over. The human race finished its brief dance on the spinning rock. The man's existence was an uninteresting epilogue to a story with no definitive beginning or ending. He would die as though he never lived. 

On the other hand, the man rediscovered his innate drive to "see what happens," to explore the expanses of a broken yet indescribably perfect world until there was nothing left to see. And when the going gets tough, he knows that some inkling of...something...will keep him going, regardless of the illogical implications of living. What was that Old World word? He wonders. 

Oh. Faith. That's it.

 

 

[jjer94]

addiction friction, part 1: the bytes.

Quote

"I wanted to change the world...but I changed nothing. That is my story."

Auron, FFX

I spent the past couple weeks in a major backslide with a magnitude of 6.74 on the Maslow Scale. That shit was worse than diarrhea, but not as bad as the mid-winter depression. After all this self-actualization work, I never expected to go that low again. I wasn't in limbo; I was fuckin' dodging bullets like Neo in The Matrix. 

Without further ado, let me embarrass myself. One of my favorite past times was to watch Let's Plays on Youtube, so I decided to binge watch an entire Let's Play series of one of my favorite games. That's more than sixty videos, around twenty minutes each... Do the math. Yeah... talk about addiction friction.

I'm not upset, though. In fact, I'm glad I went through this mini ordeal. I directly experienced, once and for all, that addiction and clinging is never the path to happiness. I was too unconscious to notice during my video game addiction days, but now with some self-actualization work under my belt, my awareness is too strong to sustain a habit like that. Nowadays, I'm running out of ways to anesthetize myself. It's getting harder to avoid my problems than it is to feel the pain and face them. 

The climax happened last night. No, not that one. The one where I overdid the video watching and contracted what my friend calls "the bytes." The bytes is the set of symptoms that occur when you stare at a computer screen for too long: nausea, scatterbrainedness, headache/migraine, fatigue, muscle stiffness. Every millenial who reads this will know exactly what I'm talking about. The bytes is no fun, especially when you spend a lot of time in front of the computer or other electronic devices. Is it from the EMFs? The fried dopamine receptors? The LED's? All of the above? Who knows.

I woke up this morning with a bytes hangover; the head throb was nasty. Doing volunteer work outside in nature erased it, fortunately. 

[jjer94]

addiction friction, part 2: dopey dopamine.

Quote

If you’re avoiding your problems or feel like you don’t have any problems, then you’re going to make yourself miserable.

Mark Manson

Ahh, dopamine. Such a precious resource. How easy it is nowadays to fry the receptors. 

Yesterday, after waking up with the bytes hangover, I felt a different sense of depression. Not the "I-hate-myself-so-I-should-lie-on-this-bed-and-die" depression, but the "I-don't-feel-like-doing-anything" depression. What a strange feeling; I had zero motivation to do anything. I just wanted to sit and do absolutely nothing. The thought of going to work irritated me. The thought of setting goals made me laugh and groan. To those who have never experienced this lack of motivation before, imagine having the thought that you ought to do something, but your body doesn't have the "juice" to do it. Not the most pleasant feeling in the world.

I quickly realized that this lack of motivation was due to the previous night of binge-watching videos. Instant gratification ignites dopamine, the feel-good reward chemical. Too much instant gratification, and the dopamine receptors burn out. The result? #couchpotato.

Now I see why school and socializing felt like such a burden in childhood. I spent all of my biochemical-reward-points on video game addiction. I took the lack of motivation for granted. I thought that it was an inherent part of growing up. I thought that in order to truly "make something of myself" in the "real world," I had to "hustle" and "struggle" and "work at it." Everyone around me had that mindset, and they seemed fine (as long as they had their early-morning Starbucks latte with three espresso shots, of course). Every task felt like a burden to overcome; every molehill felt like a mountain. Not so much anymore.

This addiction friction has made me aware of how much technology and instant gratification destroys motivation on a psychophysical level. Again, I'm glad I went through it.

 

 

[jjer94]

a feast for the eyes.

A lonely poet, upon discovering the beauty of the universe, wanted to share her amazement with everyone around her. 

She called her high school friend, who was now an unemployed couch potato. "Hey! Come to the park with me and we can revel in the beauty of the universe! It's a feast for the eyes!"

"I'd rather eat cheetoes, but thanks for the offer," said the monotonous voice from the other line. Click.

Somewhat disappointed, the poet decided to go to the park on her lonesome, as she usually does. The beauty of the universe was too much to bring her down. From the massive buildings to the blades of grass, everything was saturated with an overwhelming, otherworldly magnificence. She witnessed the layers of infinity, on all levels, creatively emerging in perfect synchronicity.

Still lonely, she approached a businessman on lunch break. "Hi. You don't know me, but I was wondering if I could sit here with you. We can revel in the beauty of the universe! It's a feast for the eyes!"

The businessman gave her a skeptical look, and an even more skeptical reply. "Uhh, that's great, but there's no money in beauty. You'll have to ask somebody else. If you're asking me to share my lunch with you, I'm afraid I can't do that. I'm on a budget. Have a nice day." He whipped out his smartphone and proceeded to tune the poet out of his existence.

The poet was determined to find someone who could appreciate the beauty as much as she did. At the end of the park field, she approached a campaign rally for a politician. The politician watched the poet with expectant eyes. "Come to next week's district election and vote for me!" He said.

"Okay!" replied the poet. "Actually, I was wondering if we could sit together and revel in the beauty of the universe! It's a feast for the eyes!"

The politician chuckled. "That would be nice, but I have a campaign to run! Surely the world would be beautiful if not for those dang liberals in office! You have a nice day, okay? And remember to vote! God Bless America!" He exclaimed as the poet waved goodbye.

Still not discouraged, the poet approached the swingset. On one of the swings was a little girl, smiling and laughing as she received the head rush of her life. "Hi there! I was wondering if I could join you on the swings and we could revel in the beauty of the universe! It's a feast for the eyes!"

The little girl stopped swinging and smirked. "My eyes aren't hungry!" She said and dashed to the slide to meet her peers.

The poet was determined. She approached an old chess player on a picnic table, cigar-in-mouth, playing by himself. "Hi. You don't know me, but I was wondering if I could sit here with you. We can revel in the beauty of the universe together! It's a feast for the eyes!"

The old man removed the cigar from his mouth and smiled. "Ahh, yes, it is beautiful, is it not? I wish I had that level of appreciation at your age. The sad part is, even with the feast right in front of them, most people are starving to death."

The poet's eyes lit up like firecrackers. "Yes!!" She exclaimed, legs giddy with excitement.

"Now. Are you going to play or not?" He proceeded to set up the chess pieces for a new game. 

"Uhhhh...no thanks...have a great day," Replied the poet. The old man nodded and continued to smoke his stogie.

With slumped shoulders, she approached a protestor down the block, because surely they are passionate enough to see beauty as she can.

"Hi. You don't know me, but I was wondering if you'd like to take a break from protesting and we could revel in the beauty of the universe! It's a feast for the eyes!" Said the poet in hopeful tones.

"Hi sweetheart. I would join you, but I'm doing my part to protect the beauty. Because THOSE DAMN CORPORATIONS have been RAPING the EARTH with their CORPORATE GREED!" She turned on her megaphone and began chanting what sounded like jibberish to the poet. 

The poet waved goodbye, but the protestor didn't notice. Finally discouraged, she gave up the search for a fellow beauty-appreciator and sat on a park bench. A couple minutes later, a stout Asian fellow with a slight smile on his face sat next to her. "Hi," said the poet. "You don't know me--"

"Yes I do," he replied. The poet was intrigued. His slight smile looked like the tip of a conspiratorial iceberg. He knew something that she did not, but she could not put her finger on it. 

"Well, I was wondering if we could revel in the beauty of the universe together. No one around here wanted to join me. Maybe you do? It's a feast for the eyes!"

The Asian fellow's slight smile became a toothy grin. He laughed briefly and then stared at her in silence. Normally, such behavior would disturb the poet, but she felt a mysterious pull to be still and see what happens.

After what seemed like an eternity, the cheeky Asian fellow spoke. "There is no 'we.' There is only Universe."

The poet attained instant enlightenment.

 

Edited April 4, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

checking the list.

Quote

"Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not."
— Joseph Campbell

Ahhh. You know that feeling of alignment? Like you're on the iron rails, and the Universe is pushing you along? Like you have unwavering faith that you're going somewhere, even though you have no idea where? 

I've been feeling that lately. It's a fun feeling. Life feels like an adventure game again - which is my preference, considering my video game addiction in the younger years. Who knows how much those things molded my psyche. A few months ago, I probably would have said that I wish I never picked up that first video game when I was 6, because then my psyche wouldn't be so screwed up. But nowadays, I could care less. Might I say I'm actually grateful? I wouldn't be who I am today if not for all of those supposedly "bad" things from the past.

The psyche is an expert at creating narratives, especially ones of victimhood. While surely it's trying to protect itself and maintain psychological homeostasis, wouldn't life be more colorful if it took all of that creative energy and funneled it outwards?

Anyway, I already checked off a few of the items from the list in the first post:

• I found some work that's eerily in line with my values. Although it is volunteer, intuition says it'll lead somewhere. The people there are amazing too. 
• I feel bouts of joy here and there. 
• I haven't had a major depressive spell for several weeks, as you can probably tell from the lack of dramatic soap opera posts. Boohoo! 
• I feel more comfortable being in this body, but I generally feel uncomfortable, because my circumstances are shifting. I figure that's a good thing.

 

[jjer94]

missing pieces.

A subtle agitation

simmers my bones

on the journey to elsewhere. 

It gives me falsifiable energy

like a sugar high - 

easy to inspire yet

easy to die.

Pieces to the puzzle of "me"

are missing,

and the empty slots

scream with covered mouths.

In the meantime, I wonder

if I am just

one of those faulty puzzles

that comes with missing pieces.

 

Edited April 8, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

life.

Quote

"Life is a series of trade-offs. Whichever way you go, you will always win and lose at the same time."

-Swami Notyermami

Quote

"Lead your life, and the rest will follow."

-Yadolfo Shmitler

Quote

"The journey of life is a series of disillusionments.

A mindfuck is hiding in your chocolate cake right now, waiting to ambush you."

-Baechel Ray

Quote

"Life is more alive than it's ever been when all the ideas of yourself are dead."

-Albert Camels

Quote

"When you fully realize that you're already dead, life becomes a heavenly epilogue."

-J.K. Bowling-for-enlightenment

Quote

"When life gives you lemons... throw those fuckers out the window and make grapefruit juice instead."

-Mycull Mor

 

Edited April 10, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

cutting and bulking.

Last weekend, I celebrated my birthday... even though there is no one to have a birthday, and I was never born. #neoadvaita #stopseeking #butwhyismylifestillshitty #noworries #problemsdontexist

In all seriousness, it was rough. I did breathwork earlier in the day (more on that in another post), which stirred the emotional melting pot and brought it to a simmer by dinnertime. My dad asked me a question that made me think about the year in review, and that triggered intense grief. I had to leave the table after cake in order to cry my guts out. 

This year (April 2017 - April 2018) has probably been the most hellish year of my life. From staying in that moldy studio apartment all alone, to quitting the day job, flopping on that blog thing, to having a not-so-great family trip, to losing twenty-five pounds from an eating disorder, to crashing at the parents' place, to quitting weightlifting, to spending an entire lonely winter in frigid temperatures being the only twenty-something within fifty miles, to having several tussles with suicidal ideation, to being diagnosed with ADHD, to quitting guitar... I have lost so much. 

On the flipside... From starting kriya and hatha yoga, to reading a shitton of books, to extended meditations, to finding a community of like-minded folk, to discovering new healing modalities, to improving my mental clarity twofold, to gaining back all the weight, to losing ~80% of my reactive tendencies, to reducing depression and anxiety by ~60%, to improving my communication skills, to being more self-honest, to peeling back the layers of self... I have gained so much - mostly intangibles, which is why I tend not to notice how far I've come. The journey has been arduous, but I'm glad that I've persevered. 

Due to all the loss, I've reached a point where I genuinely cannot find a single way to define "me." Not even as JJ, writer, musician, researcher, awareness, consciousness, "I Am". I look at a picture of myself, and all I see is a body. The person that I used to be is dead. Even the concept of a "person" makes little sense anymore.

All I see, is Intelligence. The Intelligence that makes this heart beat and urine flow is the same Intelligence that is moving these fingers on the keyboard, the same Intelligence that is thinking these thoughts, the same Intelligence that is operating in every other human being whether they realize it or not. And it's awe-inspiring. 

 

[jjer94]

organization mode.

This is a stretch, but bear with me; my mind makes ridiculous connections. Upon studying MBTI, I learned that one of the ways INFP's cope with emotional stress is to go into organization mode. They try to organize something or solve an apparent issue until it's juuuuust right, and then they move on to the next problem. This leads to overstimulation, burnout, and ultimately depression. I suppose you can call it a form of perfectionism.

Every epoch of my life, I've done this in one form or another:

• Organizing my bedroom until it was spotless, and then getting butthurt when my brother or dad moved something out of place to tease me.
• Min/maxing addiction in video games. This was the worst one.
• In school: completing homework assignments right away; getting projects done way before the deadline; getting straight A's; getting butthurt over "bad" grades (that weren't really bad).
• Starting out in PD: adhering rigidly to to-do lists, routines, habits, etc., and then getting butthurt when my routine was disrupted.
• Starting out in music: trying to write a song per week, being self-critical when the song didn't sound good the first time.
• Starting out in spirituality: trying to stop my thoughts (lol); trying to be the spiritual police; participating in the spiritual olympics.
• Orthorexia (current issue): planning out every meal; non-stop thinking about food; living to eat; reading a bunch of conflicting books on diet and changing my diet every two days because I want the most optimal diet.
• Media addiction (current issue): looking for that "perfect" Youtube video to watch, then only watching a couple minutes of it and scrolling down to read the comments instead; always searching to fill the void. 
• Healing addiction (current issue): trying to rush the mind-body healing process by being extremely gung-ho about it; went a bit too far with the psychedelics at one point; insistence on trying Ayahuasca even though I'm probably not ready yet.
• Decision paralysis (current issue): having a million different ideas of what to do with my life, but can't take action; waiting for the perfect opportunity to come to me; trying to pound a square peg into a round hole.

I drew a divination card today that said "Yin" - in other words, be receptive. Seems like the right thing to do for now. I'll continue this media fast and see what comes up. On a side note, I'm also letting go more on my diet. I'm done following any particular diet, especially keto. I'm so sick of planning my fasts and wondering whether I'm in ketosis or not. I'm just going to be intuitive and follow my body's cravings. 

 

[jjer94]

hatha yoga: a six-month review.

Six months? Really?!

As I wrote in my previous review,

hatha yoga has been the single best decision I've made over the past twelve months (along with taking LSD, of course ). Words cannot describe all of the changes that have occurred from a daily hatha yoga practice... but I'll do my best.

• For starters: Anxiety. Around 80% gone. I still get it in social situations sometimes, but otherwise, I'm as cool as a sweaty-ass cucumber. That don't make much sense.
• Depression. Greatly reduced. My mood is generally more stable. I won't put a percentage because I've found that depression is mostly diet-related. 
• Energy. Through the fucking roof. I don't get the dreaded "afternoon slump" anymore. No coffee, no uppers, no nothing.
• Digestion... Uhhm, maybe too much information... But let's just say that the digestive highway has much less traffic than before.
• Fewer junk food cravings. I never thought I'd crave vegetables! Due to cultivating body awareness, I can tell the difference between a bodily craving and a psychological craving. I am also more aware of satiation and don't overeat as much.
• Strength. A different kind of strength compared to lifting weights. Yoga strength is a full-body strength. I'm stronger because my body is more like one unit rather than separate muscles. I'm stronger also because I've released tons of body tension, which allows the ch'i/prana/lifeforce to flow through my body unhindered.
• Speaking of ch'i... I feel it coursing through me all the time. It's fun!
• Cold hands and feet...are now warm more than 50% of the time. My feet sweat after a flow session. Sweaty feet...Mmmmmm... Anyone have a foot fetish?
• Emotional reactivity. Reduced around 50% - No joke. This was the most surprising effect of yoga. The quirky shit that people do doesn't really bother me anymore, and anything that does happen to bother me, I notice it right away and see it for what it is: a silly judgment that says more about me than the person I'm judging. I still have daddy issues, but I am triggered much less.
• Posture. WOW! Much better, but still could use some work. I figure as I continue to build self-esteem, my shoulders will naturally roll down more.
• Voice. Again, deeper and more resonant. I can tell that whenever my voice gets squeaky, I'm in an anxious state, so I've learned to relax even in mid-conversation. 
• Non-doership. Most of the time feels like the yoga practice is doing me. I've been able to bring that sense of non-doership into casual conversations.
• Overall happiness. It's a three-for-one package: physical exercise, emotional therapy, and spiritual prayer. How could that not raise overall happiness? 

Will I continue hatha yoga practice for the foreseeable future? Yes. I recommend it as a supplement to all spiritual practice and inner work - especially for those people who really don't like to exercise. It's also great for meeting like-minded people, since yoga studios are ubiquitous nowadays. 

 

[jjer94]

the self.

Quote

"I don't always meditate. But when I do..........*Silence*"

-The Most Interesting Zen Master in the World

Quote

"If you want to change the world, don't change yourself. See through yourself."

-Martyn Luther Bing-Bing

Quote

"The true value of a human being can be found in the degree to which he has attained liberation from the bowels."

-"Fat" Albert Weinstein

Quote

"To thine own self be false."

-Shamlet

Quote

"Die before you die, and you shall never try."

-Sufi proverb for spiritual kids

Quote

"The problem is that ego can convert anything to its own use...even mp3's."

-DJ Trungpa

Quote

"Be the change you want to see in yourself."

-Mohawk Gondi

 

[jjer94]

uh.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.........

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

No, not a zombie. In fact, quite the opposite. TOO MUCH energy. The more I trust my body, the more energy I have. The more I follow my cravings...the more I crave myself? 

Uhhhhhh........#nonsense

So I checked off another few bits of the list from the first post, and I've acquired new information from the practices of self-and-body awareness. Here's what I got:

• A new friend! Wooooohooo! And a fellow INFP. I haven't gone out of my way to initiate a "hang out" per se, but we get along swimmingly whenever we're together. Our small talk only consists of a couple sentences, and then we delve straight into topics such as our emotional hang-ups and the psychological implications of technological advancement.  Straight to the point. I like it. I like...
• Joy. JOY. After a long six-month winter, the sun finally says, "Welp, guess I should get to melting this snow, huh?" THANK YOU, SUN. You are my light and love. Even if you give me the cold shoulder for more than half the year, I still love you. But hot dayum, without you, I am as depressed as an overfed dog. At least I'm...
• Letting go of my internal pressure cooker. You know, the one that says, "Butlifepurposewhatyagonnnadoyoulazypieceofshitlookateveryoneelsebecausesurelythey'rehappierthanyoursadass...." The anxiety is leaving my body, and I'm starting to enjoy the day-by-day a little bit more. I'm easing up on life purpose, as I expect the Universe will help me uncover it in due time. In the meantime...
• Jorrrrrb. I applied. I plan to stay here for the summer and work. That'll be good practice for me, since I suspect I'll be doing lots of odd jobs in the future, given my flighty nature. I have ideas for online work, but they're simmering alongside the...
• Oats. Motha fuckin' oats. I found a way to make them so that I don't get brain fog: Soak them overnight with a dash of apple cider vinegar and a small amount of buckwheat flakes. Adding in wild blueberries, cinnamon, hemp seeds = God mode. Eating them this morning was like hugging a long-lost friend. The texture, the add-ons, the pure energy...MMM! I've also been doing morning smoothies, which are excellent as well. They are my new...
• Addiction. Still plenty of backsliding. Currently addicted to Youtube and the Internet in general. My attention span is worse than a monkey's. Wait, what's that? Kind of looks like a...