Mega Thread: Honest confessions

[egoless]

I want to start this topic where everyone will have an opportunity to make honest confessions in the relatively safe and supporting environment. This is intended to promote  authenticity and correct the misalignment with our higher self. Sometimes we deeply burrow our characteristics or desires which does not serve our perfectionist image. We pretend to be flawless and .faultless and never confess of our flaws even to ourselves. Let's destroy our insecurities and reveal our authentic self. I strongly believe this will help many of us on the path and make us more aware of self deceptions. Count this as the digital version of shadow work and self awareness. Also you can serve as the adviser to others and help them to deal with their confessions and insecurities. But ideally before you do that confess yourself first.

I will start and give you the example of what I mean:

• I am a heavy introvert and I hate it. I would trade all my knowledge and insights I have acquired for so many years for just to become the extrovert and change my personality type. I am an INTP and I hate it! I hate to be my mind's prisoner. I hate that I am not people's person. I am always stuck in abstract thinking and theories. I am so bad at being practical. I hate dealing with practical issues and prefer to always theorize, daydream and strategize... I strongly believe that the world is just better suited for extroverts. They win every time in the social situations and communications. 

Edited March 9, 2018 by egoless

[cirkussmile]

Wow. You are definitely on to something here. We all have our shades but that doesn't mean it is bad.

I'm just very impressed of your honesty. What else do we need than that? 

Much love ❤️

 

Edit:

I'm so bored of being in the cold Europe for the moment. I've waited more than two months and I have yet to wait one more before I can leave this place again ?. Until then I just meditate. No books, no creation, no nothing really. But it's fine! Life has it's ups and downs. 

 

 

Edited March 8, 2018 by cirkussmile

[Ether]

I sometimes feel ashamed because I think being myself is bad.

[egoless]

@cirkussmile thank you! I just noticed that when you are authentic to yourself you are naturally in the present moment and there is not much space left for ego. only when you start resisting and lying to yourself ego drags you out of the present moment and you begin to escape whether in the future or in the past with your uncontrollable thoughts. you become unconscious...

@cirkussmile @Ether  good start. you can open up even more if you want of course. 

[Joseph Maynor]

I'm still kinda scared to let go fully.  I understand it theoretically now.  But it's still like jumping into the deep end of the swimming pool.  You gotta do it and just not give a sh*t.  But that's what we're doing anyway.  See?  That's the irony egoless.  The Ego is already false/ illusory!  It's an illusion that causes pointless suffering.  There's still Egoic conditioning in me, I can see it.  I am working to rid myself of it, because I know now it's false.  That's what post-Enlightenment work is, right?  Just deprogramming false beliefs.  You see a belief is false, and you can no longer have faith in it, right?  That's the entire process.  It's only false beliefs that cause suffering because you don't have any control anyway!  You don't have any control, yet you believe you do.  Only ignorance causes pointless suffering.  You see why it's pointless, right?

Edited March 9, 2018 by Joseph Maynor

[dorg]

6 hours ago, egoless said:

I just noticed that when you are authentic to yourself you are naturally in the present moment and there is not much space left for ego. only when you start resisting and lying to yourself ego drags you out of the present moment and you begin to escape whether in the future or in the past with your uncontrollable thoughts. you become unconscious...

I notice that being authentic is being as I am moment to moment, which means that whatever is going on, I am that. Another way of relating this is that I am not splitting that into me and other, and I am finding that quite wonderful.

At present that involves actively resisting the temptation to succumb to old conditioning such as specific fears and anxiety that split me into a fearful state and what is feared - and I am not involved in that as I see this would involve me in a split, or as you say becoming unconscious or not aware.

That does not mean that nothing is done to ameliorate fear/anxiety, but rather, whether there is fear/anxiety or not, there is no resistance to any action, non-action or resistance that is that in any particular moment.

 

PS. I could relate what my split self experiences day to day, but I do not want to go back into that and relate from that. I've experienced that. That's no fun at all. I want to relate as I am!

 

Thank you @egoless for this thread. Writing this post has helped clarify myself. Not sure how long it will last   

 

Relating as honestly as I can.

[molosku]

@egoless i feel you man, same line of thinking here (intj).  This just is an emotionally intelligent mans world, not to say Im very intelligent, but being over analytical is a form of intelligence. I have practically nothing to say to new people that I meet, I can kinda swim by with what others say, but If im with other introverts im like..........  Im practicly Hannibal Lecter minus the killing and eating of others and snobbery, plus way better sense of humor (imo :D) 

This of course has many many benefits and there are definite pros that come with this kinda personality. It's easier for me to concentrate, cut the bullshit, do work, connect the dots, see the big picture etc granted that Im not feeling lazy. I can easily override my emotional side to bust trough work that I just have to do, and it does not tax my wellbeing too much. Emotional people just collapse if they are forced to do this. Byt yeah,  lazy + over analytical is a hard combo not to beat yourself up with. 

Edited March 9, 2018 by molosku

[tsuki]

6 hours ago, Joseph Maynor said:

I'm still kinda scared to let go fully.  I understand it theoretically now.  But it's still like jumping into the deep end of the swimming pool.  You gotta do it and just not give a sh*t.

@Joseph Maynor I know that feeling. The hard part is to let go of letting go and going back to sleep. That always gets me.

@egoless @molosku INTJ reporting in! I can relate to your feelings - connecting with others has always been my biggest struggle.
What I learned over the years is that It's not even enough to say what you think. You have to literally think out loud to connect with people. Total authenticity is what what did the trick for me. Even the dirties corners of your mind - this is what started to attract people towards me.

It only started to happen when I finally let go of what I thought I was and let myself be who I am.

As for confessions - here it goes:

• I bite my fingernails. I'm ashamed of the state of my hands and I try to fix them by biting them, haha!
• When nobody is looking, I pick my nose. And I eat it! Fuck me, that felt good to say out loud!
• I pick my scabs. An I god fucking eat them!

Oh god, that may very well be my last post on this forum. Future me - sorry for ruining it for you! Future stalkers, here is your gold mine to ruin my life. Start picking it, but don't fucking eat it! hahahaha 

Edited March 9, 2018 by tsuki

[egoless]

@tsuki ahaha keep it up bro! Very honest confessions pthers should take example  

@tsuki @molosku you guys are at least INTJs which is much better than INTP haha... you at least don’t get carried away by abstract thinking everytime. We INTPs are so indecisive. Me myself can overthink for one hour whether I want to buy orange juice or pineapple juice for example. I lack practicality you guys are very practical

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, egoless said:

you at least don’t get carried away by abstract thinking everytime.

@egoless hahaha, no! Our abstract thinking is so bad, that we don't even see it as thinking sometimes. It's like speculative storytelling. You just tell yourself a story that this thing is going to play out exactly like this and there is no helping it! This is a very specific form of overthinking that I catch myself wrapped up all the time. I used to have imaginary arguments with people and was angry all the time hahaha. Try winning an argument with yourself by telling yourself how stupid you are - that's how bad it can get!

What I imagine in INTPs is overthinking in form of carefully exploring all options with equal considerations. INTJs just steamroll into one option and produce a story that is so convincing that we don't even see it as a story. Having a script like that can be powerful sometimes, but usually, we just keep getting frustrated that things don't go the way they are supposed to go! Letting this story go is an important skill that I needed to learn.

What I learned over time is that all I can do is to simply let go. If you gotta overthink, you just gotta overthink. Just make sure that you put that thinking into good use and actually pick the best fucking juice in the god damned shop! Mind has its strange ways and this juice may actually be very important, but you don't realize it until later on. If you stop fighting yourself amazing things may happen.

As for some more confessions, there are two stories with a common theme of swings + unsupervised children = injuries to the head. They both happened when I was around 7-10 years old:

1. I was playing on my own in the playground near my home, swinging a swing while standing on the ground. I tried to swing it as hard as I could and saw a little kid (2-3 years old) approaching, interested. So the genius little me started to swing the swing even harder because I saw that the little guy was interested in it. Lo and behold, this little creature waltzes right into the moving swing, getting hit in its little head. As I ran away I saw its mom running in terror to help him.
2. The other story happened a few years later during holidays near our summer house. I had a female childhood friend that I used to meet each summer. One time she had a younger girl to take care for and the three of us went to a playground. The little girl sat on a rotary swing, so of course I would push her very fast and try to impress my childhood friend! Inevitably, the girl fell off and the swing hit her in the head. Impressive little me ran away, leaving two girls behind.

Actually, the second story has a follow-up. When we met after a few years I learned that she suffered a mild concussion resulting from hit and that she didn't tell anybody who did it. She threatened to tell my parents that I was the culprit unless I did favors for her. I saw right through that blackmail and told her to go ahead. My mother was very scared/sad, but nothing bad for me came out of it. Ever since then my policy would be to not negotiate with terrorists.

Looking back, I think that the girl might have thought that she saved me from big trouble back then and demanded something in return. It didn't occur to me back then what could have happened, but still - I was a scared stupid little shit that didn't know any better. I don't even remember if I apologized to her or not.

So yeah, don't try impress ladies with swings. It won't work .

Edited March 9, 2018 by tsuki

[Neo]

Ok I will spill the beans. I have long been a sufferer of the chronic condition know as scribus clamitus which translates aswriters torrets, keyboard torrets). It causes me the utmost inconvenience and tends to surprise my audience at the F**K BAS*&*^  FKF KFK  FK FK FU&&&&&!!!    

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@egoless Hmmm, I have all the same neurosis and more I like this thread, it allows space to express these "less than positive" things with the optimism of overcoming them, fabulous!

Being an INFJ, for me, is a little different...I agree that society seem to be an extroverts world too...and I REALLY don't like that either... but I also have too much appreciation for our inner worlds to scum to total hate... I wouldn't wish for more external living, because I truly adore the internal @egoless could this maybe be your key to having introvert acceptance? I can have people think I'm an extrovert, but it's like reading a poem on stage and the podium prevents everyone from seeing me shake...lol... It is not possible to WILL yourself to be an instant extrovert, but it IS possible to WILL yourself to interact as boldly as one. I really like @tsuki the concept of thinking out loud in authenticity!

My Demons (a few of them):

1.The Beast of Distraction: still grips me tightly. Even when I catch it in mindfulness, the rationalization monster can still convince me it's somehow necessary to waste my time,  through some obviously twisted reasoning...and if that fails, a numbing monster can simply blow some sandman type dust across the mindfulness until the fog of illusion is so thick it seems too hard to find my way out of the distraction forest. 

2. The Devil of Fear: still holds me most captive....how quickly it can spin tales of worst case scenarios out of nowhere...working in tandem with that rationalization monster again, they can have me utterly convinced that the worst is not only a possibility, but ultimately, utterly, inevitable!!!

3. The Gargoyle of Judgement: it lurks in shadows... often posing as rational "observations" ....when it is actually composed of nasty opinions, entirely! It judges myself, others, elderly, children, humanitarians, pets, etc there is no end to it's pathetic criticisms.

4. The Vampire of Repression: this thirsty vulture wants all of my authenticity for it's-self/ myself. It holds my emotions, desires, and unrequited actions in cages, sucking from them slowly...until the cages burst at the seems...the result is externally terrible, and the creature begins again.

5. The Behemoth of Perfectionism and Inaction: This beast is massive, the malicious offspring of Fear and Judgement...It appears omnipotent! It uses it's combined powers to halt my life purpose work in general, or demand 
I destroy/ dismiss any attempts when I finally have the hero's courage to create again....it is 100 times my size, breaks all scales in weight, has 50 rows of teeth, etc.... 

[Timotheus]

I've sold my 8 year old Gaming - Tower - Computer just recently and realized that I am actually emotionally attached to this good old friend. I'm not trolling it actually is quite sad, never thought I would be that stupid myself, but that's just how it is, I've outgrown gaming long ago.... goodbye.