How to effectively manage my urges

[Shin]

6 minutes ago, Hardkill said:

I know. Though it’s so hard to quit or even reduce the amount that I watch.

Ofc it's hard, everything that really matters is challenging.

Just do it ???

[Elisabeth]

16 hours ago, Hardkill said:

So, it sounds like I have no choice, but to continue suppressing my sexual desires and/or masturbate until I figure out a way to get rid of my mom.

Don't look at it as 'getting rid of your mom'. 

Look at it as improving yourself through getting independent. As growing up and becoming a more integrated human being (which, as a side effect, is also a more desirable man).

Also look at it as tranforming your relationship with your mom from a parent - child(like) unequal relationship to a parent - adult equal one, where you still got respect for your mom but also enjoy due respect for yourself. You earn that respect by being responsible, independent, and consistent with boundaries. It's a process. 

By being a man of your own and not your mommy's boy anymore you begin to make space in your life for relationships with other women. 

[Hardkill]

1 hour ago, Elisabeth said:

Don't look at it as 'getting rid of your mom'. 

Look at it as improving yourself through getting independent. As growing up and becoming a more integrated human being (which, as a side effect, is also a more desirable man).

Also look at it as tranforming your relationship with your mom from a parent - child(like) unequal relationship to a parent - adult equal one, where you still got respect for your mom but also enjoy due respect for yourself. You earn that respect by being responsible, independent, and consistent with boundaries. It's a process. 

By being a man of your own and not your mommy's boy anymore you begin to make space in your life for relationships with other women. 

Have u ever had trouble controlling your sexual urges?

[dude]

I would recommend the book radical honesty by Brad Blanton. If you want your mom to stop, tell her the truth. Expose your true self to your mom not the facade your now trying to present. Get mad, express your thoughts towards her and get independent. Then work on this part of the dating part of your life.

[PT89]

@Psyche_92 Totally agree that a lot of the urge is fueled by your addiction.  Been trying to conquer this for 8 years now, was addicted since grade 8 high school.  Went on 100+ day streaks porn free but always came back to it.

Vipassana has been the first thing that has really helped and given me the confidence that I will finally beat this addiction.  You do find at 3 months plus that the urges become much less in intensity- however you will also find yourself craving the highs of porn again, as your life becomes more normal/ less rollercoaster like.  Vipassana helped me realize that no longer living slave to your cravings was a good thing,highs are more often than not followed by lows.

To me, sex and porn are very different things.  Even if I'm having good sex, there's a separate desire for porn.  The stimulation that can be brought about from porn is almost limitless.  This is what makes it so difficult to beat. And the fact that our culture promotes porn as if it's a good thing - a nice stress reliever.  Facing your suffering/stress head on is the way to go for personal development, and the more you endure your issues rather than distract yourself from them, the better off you are in the long run IMO.  Porn is an incredibly powerful distraction from facing your issues and growing from them.

Edited March 11, 2018 by PT89

[Elisabeth]

8 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Have u ever had trouble controlling your sexual urges?

Occasionally, but not to a degree where it became a problem. I can't help you much with that. I have trouble controlling other urges, like overeating on suggar and distracting myself on the internet. Addictions are a struggle, and I empathize, but and I'm not addressing that part. I also imagine the sex one has its particular difficulties. I let others with more insight talk to you about this.

I'm talking about you being dependent on mom as one of the obstacles to meeting women, even for sex, but especially to form healthy adult relationships (of any kind). That's the part I understand. I can also tell you as someone who has just gotten independent in the past few years, it feels so much better. 

[frnsh]

12 hours ago, PT89 said:

@Psyche_92 To me, sex and porn are very different things.  Even if I'm having good sex, there's a separate desire for porn.  The stimulation that can be brought about from porn is almost limitless.  This is what makes it so difficult to beat. And the fact that our culture promotes porn as if it's a good thing - a nice stress reliever.  Facing your suffering/stress head on is the way to go for personal development, and the more you endure your issues rather than distract yourself from them, the better off you are in the long run IMO.  Porn is an incredibly powerful distraction from facing your issues and growing from them.

I totally agree! Porn and sex desires are different. Porn is generally aggressive and pushes the desire to you, especially when you are desperate or addicted or just want to be done fast. Sex is natural, even though any need and desire can become addictive, when not addicted, sex and also masturbation are healthy for you.  

[Shin]

Porn kills love !!!! ???

[Key Elements]

@Hardkill Ok...

I am not going to sugar-coat this anymore, ok? Let me be honest here. If we can't be honest, we can't arrive at any good conclusions for you. According to your past posts and threads, to sum it up, this is what you said to us of who you are:

-You are suffering from Asperger's.

-You are looking for a hot girl. According to your posts, the hot girl doesn't have Asperger's. And, you want a short term relationship with her or casual sex.

-You are 30 yrs old and still depend on your parents. 

Listen, I'm only saying this to wish you the best, but you really have work on yourself. Because it looks like you're setting yourself too high of a standard.

You really got to be looking in these areas: job, career, life purpose, and being honest with your mom, if that helps. Have you watched Leo's video on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and understand it fully? I mean fully? You also got to learn how to accept rejection and learn from it without getting emotional.

[Shin]

From what I know from you, you should do this:

Getting a full time job and be self reliant in an appartment.

Taking really good daily habits (exercice, meditation, healthy eating, reading ...)

Then seeking your lifepurpose/passion and grounding yourself in it.

THEN, if you still want it, in your spare time, attract and have sex with lots of girls.

But honestly one girl is waaaaaaaay enough, but that might just be my opinion (and my sex drive), I just don't see sex as a casual thing, to me it's a waste of time if it comes from a place of need and HAS to happen.

Edited March 12, 2018 by Shin

[Elisabeth]

7 hours ago, Shin said:

to me it's a waste of time if it comes from a place of need and HAS to happen.

1

Yeah, but imho if you're in that place it's very hard to just jump to a place where it doesn't need to happen. Sex as a voluntary intimate meeting of two human beings needs a certain level of consciousness. 

The trouble ofc is that from that place of need, you don't see the girl as someone to SHARE sex WITH, or as a PERSON whose needs you're also willing to meet, you just see them as a PROVIDER OF COMMODITY. You don't really give them the freedom to say no or creatively co-create. 

This OBJECTIFICATION seems to be a common problem of patriarchal culture, but women do that with men too. Heck, I've done this (that's why I know), and I'm otherwise very love-focused.

But this approach will repel any woman who has at least some options and likes herself at least a little bit. Women are rarely this desperate.

Seeing how strong this tendency in Hardkill is, I suggest he actually pay for sex with a real woman. He must break the cycle somehow, so why not BUY the commodity he's craving (and enjoy it mindfully).  

I hope the prostitute charges good money for her body. 

[Shin]

Ideally he should do NoFap and focus on him.

But yeah, fucking prostitue instead of girls that wants a relationship is better.

I don't think he could handle a mid or long term relationship, so this is probably way better.

[Elisabeth]

16 minutes ago, Shin said:

Ideally he should do NoFap and focus on him.

1

I'm not disagreeing. I don't know that much about nofap but quitting porn addiction and get a more moderated approach can't be wrong. 

I just wonder where his motivation could come from to do this. You're motivated by higher consciosness spiritual values to do nofap. 

But what does a person who hasn't yet developed these values do?

[Shin]

Just now, Elisabeth said:

I'm not disagreeing. I don't know that much about nofap but quitting porn addiction and get a more moderated approach can't be wrong. 

I just wonder where his motivation could come from to do this. You're motivated by higher consciosness spiritual values to do nofap. 

But what does a person who hasn't yet developed these values do?

Fapping to porn, tinder or entering disfunctional relationships.

[ADD]

1 hour ago, Elisabeth said:

I'm not disagreeing. I don't know that much about nofap but quitting porn addiction and get a more moderated approach can't be wrong. 

I just wonder where his motivation could come from to do this. You're motivated by higher consciosness spiritual values to do nofap. 

But what does a person who hasn't yet developed these values do?

Suffering, that's where most of us get the motivation from.

@Shin

Just out of an interest, why do you think tinder is bad?

[Shin]

Just now, ADD said:

Suffering, that's where most of us get the motivation from.

@Shin

Just out of an interest, why do you think tinder is bad?

Just said that some people use it only with the intention to have sex, not that it is bad (even for this reason).

[Elisabeth]

@ADD @Shin Sure, you do low-consciousness stuff until you suffer too much. I'm just saying then you have to do the next step to grow up, which ... well I'm not sure what that is for Hardkill. He's gotten many good suggestions. It's only some of them may be asking him to skip stages. That's why I went for the prostitute suggestion. I think it ... could ... be a necessary step. 

[Shroomdoctor]

@Elisabeth prostitute don't solve anything. He needs a wake up call. Something to shatter the delusion.

[Hardkill]

21 hours ago, Key Elements said:

@Hardkill Ok...

I am not going to sugar-coat this anymore, ok? Let me be honest here. If we can't be honest, we can't arrive at any good conclusions for you. According to your past posts and threads, to sum it up, this is what you said to us of who you are:

-You are suffering from Asperger's.

-You are looking for a hot girl. According to your posts, the hot girl doesn't have Asperger's. And, you want a short term relationship with her or casual sex.

-You are 30 yrs old and still depend on your parents. 

Listen, I'm only saying this to wish you the best, but you really have work on yourself. Because it looks like you're setting yourself too high of a standard.

You really got to be looking in these areas: job, career, life purpose, and being honest with your mom, if that helps. Have you watched Leo's video on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and understand it fully? I mean fully? You also got to learn how to accept rejection and learn from it without getting emotional.

I finally watched the entire video at least a couple times. It actually was helpful to me to a degree. You're definitely right that need to focus more on getting a job, career, fulfilling my life purpose, dealing with my mom, etc. That's one reason why I have been working even harder lately on those things. I feel like I have become a little more productive and have been showing my parents that I have been showing more maturity lately. 

However, I am just worried about their being any possible negative implications or unintended consequences to continuously suppressing my sexual urges, especially since I am very horny. I don't want to get involved with hookers because they are illegal.

Btw, are u also insinuating that I should stop posting threads and posts on this forum?

Edited March 12, 2018 by Hardkill

[Key Elements]

1 hour ago, Hardkill said:

Btw, are u also insinuating that I should stop posting threads and posts on this forum?

No I'm not. You could still post. I just wanted you to get authentic, honest, good answers. And, of course, take actions on those answers.

For your urges, you could try asking ppl on the forum about NoFap. Here is the NoFap thread.