Tell me your biggest struggle right now and I will help.

[Dan Arnautu]

2 hours ago, alyra said:

My biggest struggle is that I have too many issues in life that I am behind in, some of which endanger my health, most of which sum up to render me unemployable altogether. I need to balance multiple growth and habit-changing at the same time, and scheduling is a weakness of mine. I feel overwhelmed by how much I need to keep track of, and often have inconsistencies in important things that make things worse for me. 

It isn't an issue that is fixed by focusing on one thing.. because then everything else goes to hell and I go backwards overall. It isn't an issue that is resolved be removing myself from the needs I believe in, I do that already, but it won't change the fact that my body is weak and fragile, that I spend 1k of my parents money a month and barely afford to get the help I want to get with that money, and often lose hope random days of the week from too much stress. 

What I want assistance in - advice - is, how to balance over 50 needs where I can only seriously work on about five at a time?

(I am able to balance the rest well enough that they only slowly deteriorate, but for the past two years I've just been cycling through different groups of goals I need to work towards, which means I make growth and then lose it over and over - overall I improve over time, but I want a more effective strategy) 

(some of these things are probably many of the things already mentioned here - focus, motivation, money, relationships, I will go and read them when I have time to dedicate to such research later... but my main priority is balancing it all)

In this case I think less is more. It isn't humanly possible to deal with 50 things at once. You should maybe take care of one thing, and then you move on to the other, and then the other. You shift areas of focus.

If you say you NEED to balance more than 5 things, I think the answer is not finding a way to balance 50+ things, but rather, find the 5 most important things that keep MOST of the balance in your life. The needs are not of equal importance between them. Some have to be more important than others.

If you can only work on about 5 needs at a time, do the following exercise:

1. Make a list of all the needs that you have to balance.
2. Ask yourself the following question: What is THE ONE need that, if fulfilled, would make all the other needs easier to deal with or irrelevant?
3. Once you have the most important need that you should adress from answering the question above, remove that need from the list and repeat the process four more times.
   • Now, you have found the 5 most important needs that, if fulfilled, will make taking care of all the others easier, or will make many of the remaining needs irrelevant.

This is an exercise borrowed from Gary Keller, author of the book "The One Thing". It worked wonders for me and it will many times prevent paralysis by analysis.

If you want, send me a message with the results of the exercise. I'm real curious.

Good luck! 

[blacksapp]

@Dan Arnautu Thanks Dan, I'll do that! Probably I'll sent you in DM. Thanks again.

[okulele]

Hello Dan! If you feel like answering some more, I would be interesting about your advice to my situation.

Very early on this path of awakening I have noticed that my relationship with food was an unhealthy one. I ate junk, basically whatever was the easiest, quickest.

I decided to change my diet radicaly and started following many different diet plans very strictly. Vegan eating, OMAD, high-protein... I have tried a lot of stuff but now, almost 2 years later, I am still not in a good place with my diet.

I know so much about what is supposedly healthy that eating basically creates anxiety in me. Worst of all, I started having digestion problems, which I am pretty sure are a direct result of all these insecurites involving food. I worry about these matters subtly every day. I am aware that there must be some limiting beliefs hiding underneath, but I just cannot seem to dig it out.

Apart from these digestion problems, my issue also manifests as occasional evening binges on junk food. I have started dealing with this using Mindful Eating, so I think this might pass with a bit of time.

Basically I overthink my eating habits. This creates anxiety, which creates more digestion issues, which makes me want to control my diet more skillfully yet again and so on. It is a vicious cycle.

That is it basically. I am a fit guy, excercise regulary and do a lot of consciousness work. This ''trivial'' issue however gets me off balance and often disturbes my work.

I would love to hear your take on it.

Thank you!

[Moreira]

Im 35 yo and I feel like an old man. Loud noises disturb me, I'm going like in a slow pace, I prefer to chill out rather than party, stick to routines and when something or somebody breaks my timing I feel angry.

My bbody is making me feel that way, even I eat healthy and exercise. Could it be chronic fatigue? Or I'm too nervous and get drainedfsuper quick.

[Dan Arnautu]

@okulele Changing your diet radically will never work. It will just cause a yo-yo effect of binging and punishing yourself into eating less the next day. You have to find a way you can eat the foods you enjoy, eat out with friends and be able to drink alcohol without it affecting your fitness goals. 

You haven't learned the fundamentals yet.

Let me give you an example. I am currently on a cutting phase. I want to go down about 8 kg of fat, while putting on muscle.

Today, my first meal will be a chocolate cake that my roommate just brought me. And now I might hear you say.... "But Dan, how can you slim down by eating cake?". I can, because I know what energy expenditure is, because I track my calories and macros, because I do intermittent fasting and that allows me to have big, satisfying meals while still getting shredded.

You have to learn the basics of nutrition, otherwise you are just banging your head against the wall. You don't have to only eat salad and lean chicken breast to get the body of your dreams. Read Eric Helm's Muscle and Strength Pyramid's books.

In the picture below you can see an 8 week transformation from 2 years ago. I lost 10kg of fat there. I was eating fatty burritos every night, having a chocolate every single day, going out for drinks with my friends and much more.

Once you learn the fundamentals of nutrition, you don't have to limit yourself to anything. You can eat whatever you want. Quantity is the key thing you need to track. There is no ONE healthy food. Almost no certain food is bad in and of itself. If you eat 80% clean, you can throw some candy in there. It won't make any difference. Consistency beats perfection.

If you really want to eliminate specific foods from your nutrition, do it one at a time. Any more than that and it will backfire. Also, find alternatives. If you drink too many energy drinks, switch to sparkling water and so on. You get the gist.

Read the books, apply what's there, maybe hop on a Kinobody program (search for that on google) and "Voila!", you have your dream body.

Hope this helps. If you have any more questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Good luck!

[Dan Arnautu]

On 3/18/2018 at 0:31 PM, Moreira said:

Im 35 yo and I feel like an old man. Loud noises disturb me, I'm going like in a slow pace, I prefer to chill out rather than party, stick to routines and when something or somebody breaks my timing I feel angry.

My bbody is making me feel that way, even I eat healthy and exercise. Could it be chronic fatigue? Or I'm too nervous and get drainedfsuper quick.

I don't think you should instantly assume you have a problem. If you enjoy doing those things, keep doing them. It sounds like your are just worried about other people's POV or maybe society has imprinted your mind with the fact that a 35 year old should act and be a certain way. I am 20 and I too prefer to chill out rather than party, and hate when people break my routines.

Maybe just practice meditation and mindfulness on loud noises and being non reactive when people mess with your schedule.

[okulele]

8 hours ago, Dan Arnautu said:

Changing your diet radically will never work

Yes. This is a thing I learned the hard way.

Thank you for your advice. I will check out the book you recommended.

[BestSelf]

Hey Dan,

First off I want to say I think its awesome that you are dedicating so much time on here to helping people out with their issues. We all really appreciate it and admire you for it! Keep up the awesome work!

My biggest issue is constantly judging myself/ being self conscious. I judge the way my voice sounds when talking to others, how I look/act  during interactions, the way I speak and not being able to clearly verbalize my thoughts ect ect. Its like there is always a critical camera turned towards me that wont turn off. Its something ive struggled with for a long while now and it is a frustrating thing to contend with. I have been into self improvement for awhile now and tried many different things like affirmations and meditation ect ect, but the issue always seems to persist. Ill have certain times where my voice comes out sounding completely confident how I would like it to or im in the moment and able to clearly state my thoughts but those times are rare. Its kind of like I have a split personality where in my mind i think I should be this completely confident guy that sounds charismatic and is easily able to talk to anyone and verbalize his thoughts effortlessly. Thats the guy I THINK i should be but most the time in reality I feel self conscious and judgmental towards myself for not being that guy. I actually think most people perceive me as being a confident and content guy as that is how I try to portray myself and what I have been refereed as by some people, but it is not how I feel in reality. What would you recommend I do to resolve this issue for good and finally be free of self judgementf?

Thanks in advance for your help!

 

 

[Dan Arnautu]

@BestSelf I see that the issue of self-acceptance is a recurring theme with people here. I was and still am guilty of it myself at times.

You can't really do anything other than practice self-acceptance. You have to learn to love your flaws and be grateful for being able to identify them. If you can transform them into assets, do that. If not, accept them and see if you can improve on them in any way.

Either way, you have to change from the inside out. If you try to just fix the external circumstances (your inadequacies) through different techniques and gimmicks, the insecurities and negative self talk will still be there after that.

I was self-conscious about my sternum for most of my life. I have a condition called pectus carinatum (pidgeon chest). In the past, I wanted to do surgery in order to get rid it, but I figured I shouldn't just choose the easy way out, and thus only use it as a last resort.

I started going to the gym and now, 4-5 years later, I don't have any problem with it. Personal growth has transformed the way I look at it and that's why it doesn't bother me. In the past I thought that people would laugh at me, saying that I have man boobs and things like that, but at this point in my development I wouldn't give a rat's ass about their opinion. I wouldn't want negative people like that in my life anyway.

A change in mindset I think is required in order to provide lasting change. Adopt an Amor Fati attitude, as in, "one shall not want anything to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism should be mendacity in the face of what is necessary—but love it."

For all your inadequacies are necessary. You must love them because they show you how you ought to do in the future. Do not judge them for guiding you in the right direction.

In the future you will look back at your flaws smiling because they made you a stronger and better person in the present moment, they made you more equipped to handle life.

Watch Leo's video on the power of self-acceptance (you can find it on youtube). Do the exercise there multiple times and you should start to see some positive change in your mental attitude.

Finally, please realize that all outstanding growth comes only from a place of acceptance.

A fat person shouldn't accept itself only when it has finally gotten fit. That's not transformation coming from a place of love for the body. A fat person should see the situation as it is, accept it to it's full extent, and start to change because that will lead them to having an outstanding life, not because they hate their current self and the way their body looks.

I trust that you can spot the difference. 

Good luck!

Edited March 22, 2018 by Dan Arnautu

[kieranperez]

I'm stuck in a life situation I absolutely hate and don't see a way out. I have emotional meltdowns every single day. I have literally no money saved because of past horrendous spending habits. I have no money in my checking account because I'm not working simply because my Dad is not allowing me to. I can't move out and also have terrible credit because my Dad (who makes roughly $200,000 p/year) hasn't paid medical bills from 4+ years ago from a surgery I had even though he does have the money to pay it. I drive a car that's not legal to drive (smashed side view mirror, car's registration expired 9 months ago, lights out, engine is on the verge of going out, etc.) but I'm forced to for my Dad to drive my little brother everywhere. I didn't finish college (currently 22 years old). I have my Life Purpose and found it 2 days ago but I'm so deeply depressed and dealing with so much suffering that I can't seem to mobilize myself. I don't want to start working again because the only jobs I can get is just minimum wage work and to be honest, I don't want to go back. I hate my life so much when I'm subjecting myself to that kind of work. I also live in San Francisco, the most expensive market in the USA. I'm beyond willing to leave the Bay Area though. My psychology is so fucking weak I can't seem to mobilize myself. I don't know what to do or what I can do... Everything I come up with as a solution just depresses me. I'm shamed and guilted and talked to like I'm dirt. 

[7thLetter]

One of my biggest struggles is finding a girlfriend, but most importantly, the right girl. I'm 22, never had a girlfriend in my life. The reason why? Its not that I'm ugly or anything, I'd say I'm above average. I'd say it has to do a lot with my personality. My whole life I've been a huge introvert. Elementary to high school I'd always hang out alone during lunch break. So obviously I had no dating life in school. After high school it got a bit better because I had little hookups at parties but that was it. I was always quiet and shy, and that's how I turned to personal development. The goal was always to improve myself in order to talk to girls. I'd find every way to improve who I am, and I still find every way I can to this day. I also got into pick up, did that for a year, few dates but no success. But I honestly can say now that I've reached the confidence goal that I was looking for. But the problem now is how picky I've become. I've set my standards so high these days that the girls I end up being interested in are already in a relationship, or they're attention-seekers, whatever it is who knows. It's actually very rare for me to be interested in a girl. I've had several girls that were interested in me, but they just never met my standards. Based on the myers-briggs test I might be either INTP or INFP. Plus things have changed so much with me getting super involved in the deep inner work that I've grown a lot on the independent side. I often don't feel like I NEED a relationship but I'm 22 and I really want to experience what its like to be in one. It also seems tough to find someone with the same interests and someone who at least understands personal development at a certain level.

[laurastarla]

hi Dan thanks for this I need to unload, ego in huge overdrive!

I work with 3 others girls, we each have our own boss but we are part of the same assistant team with same job title and responsibilites. A couple of months ago one of the bosses gave his assistant the right to work from home, so now she just doesnt show up in the office nearly weekly.

I asked my boss for the same right. He said no for a couple of easily arguable reasons.

I've been a mess over this. Bigtime ego Its not FAIR reaction. I feel disrespected, disregarded etc etc etc No presence, total monkey mind, obsession & neurosis for days. When she doesn't show up I feel jealousy and even hatred, especially hating myself for not being more mature.

Longtime meditator and been using tons of techniques for allowing & respecting feelings, shadow work.

The old wound this is opening is 'I am not as good as others, I don't count'. I want so badly for my boss, who I deeply respect, to validate me by saying, you DO deserve to be treated fairly, you matter and I hear your feelings. But my boss should not be my therapist. 

Do I express my feelings or learn to accept this inequality because 'hey sometimes life isnt fair, am I going to destroy myself over that?' I am afraid to tell him how I feel, but I'm headed to a nervous breakdown 

thanks for listening

[BMoss]

In short - pride and fear. I am anxious, reluctant to try new things and meet new people, often depressed and afraid. Yet at the same time I am arrogant and have victim mentality and little self-respect. I have a pathetic tyrant ruling me and warning me that leaving my comfort zone and challenging him will cost very dearly. A voice from the depths often tells me it will cost me even dearer to not try anything at all not seek change and growth.

Yet I still pretty much approach life like an angry teenager who doesn't want to grow up. Cause I'm afraid that the second I try to meditate, develop myself, accept myself and reality I'll have the woa moment Leo was often talking about and... well I might just not make it. If I fully embrace and accept the fact that life has both good and bad sides, if I fully embrace and accept my own humanity and my own mortality, what will become of the me now?

Leo said that life is about reconciliation, yet I just don't want to. I'm afraid to take the leap of faith, afraid of emotions, afraid of life.

Thank you for creating the topic, have a good day.

[saish]

I still think about my ex even after 2 years. Its really frustrating she was my first girlfriend. She was all around good girl and i am afraid i may not find another like her. Whenever i see her my emotions go overboard i feel insecure when i see her with any other guy. I get insecure when i see her succedding in life whereas I am still fixing my life slowly. I think about her every single day I contemplate insulting her and making her feel bad.I imagine situation of us talking again and I am showing off about how cool I am . Logically i know i am bullshitting myself and I need to let go of her.What should I do to completely get over her ? I dont want to find someone else right now because I am in my final year and i want to focus on my studies so going out is not an option. 

[Dan Arnautu]

I'm both surprised and glad that the questions are still coming in. Seeing the thread grow makes me think of changing a few things.

I see many problems that I already adressed in previous replies. I think I'm gonna start posting the answers in video format on youtube or something of the sorts. That way I can easily redirect people who come with the same problems to those specific videos and I can go into more detail on each question.

Also, that way people can more easily interact with each other in the comment section. And, it would make this thread more compact as I will only post the links to the videos as replies (with the tags of the people I responded to) instead of having long stretches of text. I can't really link to previous replies if someone comes with the same problem I adressed in the past, but I can link them to the video in which I talk about that, so it would make my job a lot easier (especially if the thread just keeps getting larger).

@kieranperez @laurastarla @kieranperez @BMoss @saish

You guys would be the first ones I respond to that way. I'm gonna try to shoot a video today and see how it goes.

Let me know what you think of this idea. I would love your feedback and input.

On a final note, I really love that all of you guys want to start or have already started taking action towards improving your life situation. Most people we see around us wait for the problems to fix themselves with time, make excuses or sit around bitching and complaining, and oh boy that doesn't work. I think all of you guys are on the right track.

UPDATE: Started shooting the video reply, but my phone ran out of space halfway. Now I'm emptying it out and I hope it doesn't take too long. I am pretty busy today, so if it takes too much, I'm gonna shoot a longer video on another day, of course with more letters from you guys.

Edited March 25, 2018 by Dan Arnautu

[saish]

1 hour ago, Dan Arnautu said:

I'm both surprised and glad that the questions are still coming in. Seeing the thread grow makes me think of changing a few things.

I see many problems that I already adressed in previous replies. I think I'm gonna start posting the answers in video format on youtube or something of the sorts. That way I can easily redirect people who come with the same problems to those specific videos and I can go into more detail on each question.

Also, that way people can more easily interact with each other in the comment section. And, it would make this thread more compact as I will only post the links to the videos as replies (with the tags of the people I responded to) instead of having long stretches of text. I can't really link to previous replies if someone comes with the same problem I adressed in the past, but I can link them to the video in which I talk about that, so it would make my job a lot easier (especially if the thread just keeps getting larger).

@kieranperez @laurastarla @kieranperez @BMoss @saish

You guys would be the first ones I respond to that way. I'm gonna try to shoot a video today and see how it goes.

Let me know what you think of this idea. I would love your feedback and input.

On a final note, I really love that all of you guys want to start or have already started taking action towards improving your life situation. Most people we see around us wait for the problems to fix themselves with time, make excuses or sit around bitching and complaining, and oh boy that doesn't work. I think all of you guys are on the right track.

UPDATE: Started shooting the video reply, but my phone ran out of space halfway. Now I'm emptying it out and I hope it doesn't take too long. I am pretty busy today, so if it takes too much, I'm gonna shoot a longer video on another day, of course with more letters from you guys.

Will wait for your video. While making video dont call out my name pls my friends might find me out that way 

[Dan Arnautu]

@saish You guys will be kept anonymous, so no worry there.

[Dan Arnautu]

@saish @BMoss @7thLetter @kieranperez @laurastarla

Guys, the video is up. You can find time stamps for each letter in the video description. 

 

Please excuse my mood in this video because:

• I haven't slept properly in a week
• I am very sick

I know these will get better with time. This is as much of a learning process for me as it is for you guys. I'm not that comfortable on camera yet. It's actually one of my first times speaking to camera, especially not in my native language, so please don't rip me a new one, lol. I find it's much harder than it looks.

Remember that I'm doing this to make the work on the thread easier while also getting to improve my own skills and trying to relate to you in a deeper way.

Some things I found I need to work on are:

• My energy and delivery
• Sharing more personal analogies as to not sound condescending 
  • If I'm pointing out any mistakes, there is a very high chance that I did those mistakes too at some point, so if I seem like I'm talking down to you, I'm really not.
• Planning before the video, reserving more time for shooting as I saw I missed plenty of details because I was in a rush
• My verbal and physical tics
• Etc.

Let me know if you got what you wanted from the answers. If there were things I overlooked, do tell me and I'll respond and clarify.

Edited March 25, 2018 by Dan Arnautu

[saish]

1 hour ago, Dan Arnautu said:

@saish @BMoss @7thLetter @kieranperez @laurastarla

Guys, the video is up. You can find time stamps for each letter in the video description. 

 

Please excuse my mood in this video because:

• I haven't slept properly in a week
• I am very sick

I know these will get better with time. This is as much of a learning process for me as it is for you guys. I'm not that comfortable on camera yet. It's actually one of my first times speaking to camera, especially not in my native language, so please don't rip me a new one, lol. I find it's much harder than it looks.

Remember that I'm doing this to make the work on the thread easier while also getting to improve my own skills and trying to relate to you in a deeper way.

Some things I found I need to work on are:

• My energy and delivery
• Sharing more personal analogies as to not sound condescending 
  • If I'm pointing out any mistakes, there is a very high chance that I did those mistakes too at some point, so if I seem like I'm talking down to you, I'm really not.
• Planning before the video, reserving more time for shooting as I saw I missed plenty of details because I was in a rush
• My verbal and physical tics
• Etc.

Let me know if you got what you wanted from the answers. If there were things I overlooked, do tell me and I'll respond and clarify.

Hey thanx alot mate i appreciate your input. Can you tell me how do I fix my deep insecurities ? How do I fix my neediness issues ?

[Dan Arnautu]

43 minutes ago, saish said:

Hey thanx alot mate i appreciate your input. Can you tell me how do I fix my deep insecurities ? How do I fix my neediness issues ?

Thanks a lot! I too appreciate yours and others' attention. I do not take it for granted.

When it comes to neediness it's a really big frame issue. Most guys come across in their interactions with girls something like: "What can I do so she will let me fuck her?". The problem here is the frame itself. That means you are trying to take something away from her. You are trying to fulfill a need. Not only IS IT NOT MUTUAL, as in, at least you should both have fun, but you are trying to pump away at her and if she feel good, that's great, and if not, whatever.

Imagine a girl trying to do that to you (i.e. fucking you and not letting you cum because shed doesn't care about that).

This doesn't apply only to sex, but to love too. 

Into any interaction, not just with women, you have to go into it with a giving mentality. "I am here to give my gift." In a conversation with a friend that may look like giving advice or listening very deeply to him and with a woman it may look something like trying to GIVE her the best orgasm ever or preparing an awesome date. Not because you want something out of it, but because that's what you do. That's what you were put here to do. To penetrate the world with masculine energy. And masculine energy is all about purpose, drive, mission leading, creating and sharing your deepest essence through that.

If you want to get rid of neediness in a fundamental way, you have to change from the inside out. You have to become complete within yourself as in not NEEDING a woman in your life to be happy. You have to start to see your ideal woman as just an accessory to an already great life. You could have a life just as awesome without her, but still, having her around is nice. That's the mindset you should be coming from.

One pillar to solving this is creating a great life for yourself. Create an awesome career, cultivate awesome skills, travel etc. Whatever rocks your boat.

The second pillar is massive self-education. I could write for hours here and I still couldn't cover even the fundamentals of male/female polarity.

Read the following books 10 to 15 times, until you have all the concepts internalized and you don't have to think about them anymore.

• How to Be a 3% Man by Corey Wayne
  • this one especially teaches you the fundamentals
• The Way of The Superior Man by David Deida
• The Sex God Method by Daniel Rose
  • This one is optional, but is still important because a woman WILL leave you if the sex isn't good enough. Screwing up one of the intimate acts of the relationship will harbor resentment in her and make her want to leave you even though you may be a great guy.

Also, watch this video:

The third pillar is meeting and hooking up with so many hot women that your need dissolves into thin air. You burn layers of karma. You don't even think about gettin sex or love as being a problem, because you are now in an abundance mindset. You know that you can get both if you wanted to, without much effort.

That's where you probably aim to be and where you CAN be if you read the books above and you start taking massive action.

The most important things are so overlooked because they are so obvious. You just need to take action. 

You may say: Yeah,yeah. I know. That's true. I knew it even before you told me.

And I say: Yeah, but are you doing it?

That's about it for now. Start taking action on those 3 pillars and you're gonna start to see results. That's all there is. Sitting and thinking about your ex all day won't change anything, as you probably already figured out.

Good luck! I wish you the best!

Edited March 25, 2018 by Dan Arnautu