Tell me your biggest struggle right now and I will help.

[Dan Arnautu]

Self-explanatory title.

Tell me what you struggle with right now and I will give you all the knowledge and tools that I know in order to resolve it. Is it fat-loss? Getting fit? Motivation? Loneliness? Finding friends? Attracting girls? Finding direction in life? 

This also fulfills my curiosity on what the biggest sticking points are for people here on the forum.

Feel free to share the whole story. I WILL read it. I genuinely want to help you.

 

Edited March 6, 2018 by Dan Arnautu

[Evilwave Heddy]

Getting back into self-inquiry/mindfulness/self help.  I got into it heavily about a year ago and got burnt out and took a break, but now I just need something to spark my curiosity again or some shit.  

Altough saying that, Leos newest video about Kriya yoga has gotten my interest and I plan on buying the book and implementing the techniques.  Perhaps that's the spark I need.  Maybe I just need to read more books....who knows.

Edited March 6, 2018 by Evilwave Heddy

[Dan Arnautu]

@Evilwave Heddy

Well, in that case, I don't really think you need something to motivate you, but rather a problem area to solve. 

There is definitely something that needs or can be improved in your life. 

Usually, passion and motivation is followed by action and not the other way around. 

Alternatively, go through all the books that you have already read and see what concepts you have agreed with, but haven't yet implemented in your life.

For me this is the case with "The 4 agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz

Also, remember that self-development is not limited to self-help. We are still ignorant about many aspects of the world.

Take a world map and research specific locations, monuments, cultures for the sake of knowing about them and making you more worldly. 

Watch documentaries and then journal on how they should change your behavior. 

Read about stuff which you know you are especially ignorant about. Always hated math? Scroll through wikipedia and see what aspect of it you can like. 

I think you are getting the idea. 

 

[nikolay]

I struggle with communicating with a group of people who are already friends. I started a new job and everybody in my new team have known each other for a long time and are friends. I am trying to become a part of this group of friends but I'm struggling with it because almost nobody is willing to talk to me because they can say whatever they have to say to their friend, they don't have to get out of their comfort zone to say it to me. And whenever I try to initiate a conversation it usually dies out after several sentences. Nobody seems to be interested in me and when I am interested in someone I can see in their eyes and tone of their voice that they are unwilling to talk to me and would prefer to return to talking to their friend. 

 

Here are some other details: 

- I am a strong introvert and sometimes I simply do not want to talk to anyone (these cases are not problematic, I want to deal with those cases when I actually want to talk but don't manage to)

- I used to be shy (I've had a great progress here and this is no long the reason why I'm struggling)

- most of the people are older than me (I'm 20) so they are on a different stage of their development which makes it even harder for me to connect with them

 

The thing is that most of my current friends have been the active side. They have maintained the conversation and have organised meetings with me, while I've been the passive one, the listener. But in order to be more efficient in making friends one has to take the initiative. This is where I struggle. I can't have a quality meaningful long conversation with a group of friends. 

Thanks in advance

Edited March 6, 2018 by nikolay

[MisterMan]

Constantly seeking, unable completely to give or surrender emotionally  into the moment. 

[Ether]

14 minutes ago, MisterMan said:

Constantly seeking, unable completely to give or surrender emotionally  into the moment. 

@Shanmugam

[Dan Arnautu]

@nikolay I can empathize with your situation because I was there myself three years ago.

I just got into university then and I knew no one, and neither did I have common ground/things to talk about with the other students. Or at least that's what I thought.

Truth is , you are gonna come across as a very sociable guy if you just ask questions that show deep interest in the other person, and then sit there and listen. Maintaining a long AND AWESOME conversation is not about finding things to say non stop, but rather making people talk about themselves (this is a thing that everybody loves to do, and they will love you for listening, because no one else does).

The questions should be open ended of course. Don't ask them question that could be answered with a simple yes or no. Ask them about what's most important to them.

Also, from the age of 20, ideally, the age gap between you and any other human being should not be in your mind anymore. You are already an adult, so everyone around you is now your equal, no matter their stage of development and age. Sure, you can admire them for having achieved mastery on a specific thing, or for overcoming the hardships that they went through; but, you had also gone through your own hardships, and they can still be ignorant at many things where you may be a master at.

I'm the youngest guy in my college group of friends right now. Most of my colleagues are 25-27 years old and I'm 20. At first I thought that would be a problem because they would not be interested in the things that I'm interested in, but quite the contrary proved to be true. So you're gonna be fine.

Book Recommendations:

• How to Win Friends and Influence People
• Thick Face, Black Heart
• The Power of Now
• The Assertiveness Workbook

Video Recommendations:

• Search for this particular problem again on Coach Corey Wayne's Youtube channel and you will get immense value and insight on it.

 

[Dan Arnautu]

@MisterMan

Read The Sedona Method and The Power of Now.

The Sedona Method alone is so powerful, you probably won't need anything else.

Other things you can try are visualizations, affirmations and maybe look into the EFT tapping technique.

All the methods are very simple, but you have to do them dilligently in order to experience results. Every. single. day... for multiple months or even years.

Edited March 6, 2018 by Dan Arnautu

[Shin]

My biggest struggle is that I can't give you a high five right now.

[Deep]

@Dan Arnautu I have trouble knowing what I want in life. My mind is weak. It makes me sad. 

[Raphael]

I want to make money to become financially independant. I know theorically how to do it, I already sold something on the internet. 

However I have something deep inside me that is blocking me, and make me unable to take actions and be consistant with my work.

I suppose there's a lot a fear, but I'm wondering if there is not something else.

I also grow up with social anxiety and extreme shyness problems with a toxic father. However, I did a lot a progress during the last three years until I get my first job. These progress then collapse because of my inability to deal with my coworkers behaviours

 

[egoeimai]

No problems! 

But thanks for your willingness to help us !

??

[Dan Arnautu]

@Shin If that's your biggest struggle, you must have a pretty awesome life.

Here is your high five. (*･∀･)／＼(･∀･*)

[Dan Arnautu]

1 hour ago, egoeimai said:

No problems! 

But thanks for your willingness to help us !

??

My pleasure!

Might do a weekly series on this. I love getting to know you guys and helping you out. 

 

[Dan Arnautu]

7 hours ago, Deep said:

@Dan Arnautu I have trouble knowing what I want in life. My mind is weak. It makes me sad. 

You are not alone. Most people don't know that. But most people are also not willing to take the first step and admit the fact that they don't know. You took the first step. So be proud.

Although, I can't give you personalized advice unless you give me some background info on your life.

Tell me:

• What your life situation looks like right now.
  • relationships with other people, financially, what job do you currently have - if you have one -, what have you studied until now and why etc.
• What activity sparked the most joy in your life up until now
• Any other type of info that you think would make me understand your situation better

You have to give me a lot of details because that enables me to give you a detailed answer.

[Max_V]

My biggest struggle is being able to love myself and not beating myself up all the time.

Whenever I don't do something I committed to doing that day or whenever my social anxiety comes back, I feel awful. 

I exercise mindfulness when these feelings come up, but self-love is still something I have a lot of difficulty with.

[Dan Arnautu]

 

1 hour ago, Raphael said:

I want to make money to become financially independant. I know theorically how to do it, I already sold something on the internet.

However I have something deep inside me that is blocking me, and make me unable to take actions and be consistant with my work.
I suppose there's a lot a fear, but I'm wondering if there is not something else.

Do you want to make quick money in the short term in order to become independent fast, or do you have the possibility to pursue something you love that will make you money in the long run?

1 hour ago, Raphael said:

I also grow up with social anxiety and extreme shyness problems with a toxic father. 

We're in the same bucket here, and it's very difficult, but you can become a social, assertive alpha male in a matter of months - 1-3 years tops, depending on your level of input and commitment.

Read these:

• The Assertiveness Workbook by Randy J. Paterson (do ALL of the exercises)
• How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
• The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden
• The Way of The Superior Man by David Deida
• Thick Face, Black Heart by Chin-Ning Chu

I've listed the books in the order of their importance, but you may resonate with some, more than others. Skim through all of them and intuit which one will help your case the most.

If you give me a really specific problem related to your social anxiety and shyness and give me more details, I will give you advice directly on how to solve it. Right now though, I don't have enough info about you to know what you need to do.

BUT, you should read the books anyway. Even one of those will radically change your life and you will look back a few years from now and see how silly and puny shyness and social anxiety really were. But you can see that only in retrospect. So you need to start to take action. And I'm here to help and even keep you accountable need be.

1 hour ago, Raphael said:

However, I did a lot a progress during the last three years until I get my first job. These progress then collapse because of my inability to deal with my coworkers behaviours.

Handling coworkers can be a tough thing, especially if they have big egos. But it's more than doable.

In what way are you unable to deal with their behaviors? What behaviors are we talking about?

 

[Dan Arnautu]

@Max_V

It's great that you chose to take ownership of the situation.

Yeah, the truth is, your growth will not be liniar. It will be very rocky and you will backslide many times.

The thing is, as Tony Robbins says, we overestimate what we can do in a year, and we underestimate what we can do in a decade. So you gotta keep things in perspective. The backslides won't even matter in 5 years.

You should love yourself even more when you fail and backslide. But that can be very hard to wire in your brain.

It's hard because of peer pressure - as all the people around you will stop giving you attention and love if you don't have your life together, and that's CONDITIONAL love. They don't know what real love is yet. And that's why you gotta start with yourself.

If you cannot give yourself unconditional love, nobody will ever be able to fill that void for you. The same way in which you can have all the success and riches in the world, yet still feel empty inside.

It's also hard because society tells us that if we do not achieve material success or any other type of success that they put forward, we are automatic failures in life. But those are THEIR rules. You gotta set your own rules and standards, while not being attached to them. Only you know what will make you happy, so THEIR opinion does not matter. They have their own self agenda.

 

Challenge For You

Choose one of the following methods and do it dilligently for a month. Hit me up with a private message on the forum when that challenge is over and update me on your situation.

Do the exercise you choose once a day, every day, for a month.

1. Do Leo's visualization exercise from his video on the power of self-acceptance. 

2. Release feelings like guilt through the Sedona Method.

3. Unwire the self-defeating thoughts through "The Work" by Byron Katie, which will then change the self-defeating emotions you feel.

4. Do spoken or written affirmations for 5-10 minutes a day, related to self love, such as "I completely accept myself, the way I am right now"  or "I deeply love myself, no matter the circumstances that I find myself in."

 

I also had the same problem as you. I used to act like a perfectionist, crazy disciplined and crazy organized person, and usually when things slipped out of my control and I experienced backslide, I would freak out and start to beat myself up uncontrollably and punish myself back into taking action. But that's not a sustainable way to go.

That just causes a yo-yo effect where you are super effective one day, and super ineffective on another, and then you beat yourself up into being effective again, and the cycle repeats again and again and again.

We need to make our personal growth sustainable, and that starts with self-love, without attachment to outcome. When that sets in, you will see other people loving you more as well.

Good luck!

Edited March 7, 2018 by Dan Arnautu

[Max_V]

@Dan Arnautu Amazing response, I’ve been discussing this with my psychologist as well. I really notice how this unwillingness to love and accept myself makes everything painful and harder.

I will start doing the affirmation “Ik heb een diepe liefde voor mezelf onder alle omstandigheden.”

Which translated to in english “I have a deep love for myself under all circumstances.”

8 April I will tell you what has changed  

 

[Dan Arnautu]

@Max_V Glad to hear that. I wish you success!