What's going on.

[EmptinessDncing]

So I'm essentially wondering where I'm at and where to.  I appears unclear because whilst I resonate with most definitions of 'enlightenment', the lines become very blurry.  Particularly given that part of the big realisation was that it doesn't exist. 

Over the 10 year period that I have been meditating intensively, I've had all sorts of temporary experiences and ecstasy etc.  All fun, but nothing like what happened 9 months ago.  It was more like a whole new program got permanently installed leaving me entirely and completely WTFFFF!  And now that it has finally settled down, well, it's a pretty damn nice space to be in.  Just something feels not quite right.

What baffles me, is that although I experience intense states of stillness, and have a strong sense of oneness, the sense isn't a solid one.  I've heard some people say that as soon as they became enlightened the mind completely stopped and they were all one.  I cannot relate to this as a permanent feature of the current program running.  Often it is like that, and it keeps going deeper and stronger as every day passes.  Is there some other realisation?  What else can there possibly be after, oh shit, nothing I thought was real, I am the entire ocean, not that pathetic wave I previously thought, I'm not my mind and the body basically vanished, along with 95% of fear and anxiety and got replaced with joy, love, bliss and ecstasy.  Even sadness and anger are awesome.

I have been around a profoundly enlightened person that felt very different to me, and one that was proclaimed enlightened that didn't feel all that different.  Where to differentiate between higher states of consciousness Vs just the personality of the person?  Can I see that I am not this and that, but still have a habitual reference to it?  That is have the realisation, but the sense of 'I' still hangs around because I haven't meditated enough?  Maybe it's like when Neo wakes up from the Matrix vs when he transcends it?? 

Just to clarify, this isn't that thing that happens upon first kundalini awakening.  That happened 9 years ago.  This wasn't an experience, it was a permanent shift of consciousness.  And it wasn't without a shit-storm.  It was like a bombardment of realisations, not just one, plus ecstasy and sheer fucking terror raping each other, then stillness, bliss, love, oneness, desirelessness.  No more up and downs, no more experiences.  I don't come out of it far if I do.  It's like this is now the natural state, not that bullshit that was going on before with rubbish stories about who and what I am according to a mind that doesn't exist.  So 90% of that crap just fell away.  But there is still this 'I' hanging about and still resistances and still ego nudging in.  On watching another enlightened person's ego quite closely, it did become apparent that ego never ceases to try to get a foot in.  Constant vigilance required.

I don't do drugs, don't have a psych condition and had a happy family upbringing.  I'm not an official nutcase, just a Sagittarius with too much Neptune.  Work as a massage therapist/energy healer/counsellor amongst a group of amazing like-minded people.

I'd love to just go sit in a week retreat right now, that would probably shed a lot of light, but still working through manifesting money!

So what am I missing guys?

 

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, EmptinessDncing said:

So what am I missing guys?

What sort of experience do you expect to live once you are enlightened?
Over the course of your 10-year journey you left the world of polarities and experienced the state of oneness by (presumably) seeing how polarities are alike. There is no polarity to be pointed at to show you what enlightenment is. The more undifferentiated the world becomes, the more enlightened you are.

The paradox is that noticing the progress of oneness is rooted in differentiation. To hinge on what enlightenment is, is to introduce fragmentation.

In my personal opinion, the fact that you need to quench your thirst is enough evidence for being thirsty.

[tsuki]

2 hours ago, EmptinessDncing said:

But there is still this 'I' hanging about and still resistances and still ego nudging in.  On watching another enlightened person's ego quite closely, it did become apparent that ego never ceases to try to get a foot in.  Constant vigilance required.

I can relate to this experience. The "I" never goes away. 
The more you try to empty it, the more empty it becomes.
What is emptiness other than willingness to be filled?
 

Edited March 6, 2018 by tsuki

[Telepresent]

@EmptinessDncing Now I'm not done, so maybe I can't help you at all, but you trigger a question so here it is: you mention "not this and not that".  Talk to me for a moment about the world, about objects, about "this and that".  What is "this"?  What is "that"?  I.e. don't worry about you and your not being for a moment, worry about everything else.  You ask us the question "So what am I missing guys?" - what are we?  To what do you address that question?

[EmptinessDncing]

@tsuki  Yes, thirsty still.  My teacher once said to me that it is confusing, just be confused. I think the only thing I'm missing is letting go of trying to understand it.   Expectation that it would be something else rushing in to fill the void.  In the vacuum left, everything wants to fill it.  Maybe I just need to be with that.

I should mention here that I did have a teacher, but he did something inappropriate in the worst way possible, so right after 'realising' I was left with trauma to flail about on my own.  Probably contributes to the confusion.  I got used to having a physical person around to sense deeply his energy etc.   Then gone.  No attachment to him, but no help either.  

[EmptinessDncing]

@Telepresent This and that:  Anything that you can label, put a word to, hold in your hand.  Anything that has a beginning or an ending, that comes and goes.    Nothing essentially, but not an intellectual nothing.  A being nothing.  That is the well from which everything is manifest.

But thank you.  Doing that exercise reminded me that I was trying to label enlightenment.  Make it something, as if it were something different to what I am.  It's not.  It's just nothing.  I'm clear on who I am, there was just confusion around what the word enlightenment means.  And we can all rattle off words until we're blue in the face and get no-where.  Answer?  Drop the whole darned thing, and just be.

[Joseph Maynor]

Have you discovered unchanging Awareness yet?  Ya ever notice there’s something about the Now that never changes?

Edited March 7, 2018 by Joseph Maynor

[Nahm]

@EmptinessDncing Try taking a piece of paper, write “thinking” on one side, write “awareness” on the other. Keep that paper in a prominent place. Use it. One side or the other. The earlier in the day the better.    Use it to build even more clarity, momentum and depth in the distinction between thinking about a past event, and being present now in only awareness. Remember, you’re not the thoughts, so thinking should seem funny and light - equal to the function of your finger.  

Time for recovery is critical in intense athletic training; the space between is as important as the notes that make any piece of music; every wave is a peak and a valley; and there are seasons. These things are True of You, in ‘here’. 

So you might consider a retreat - from everything. A few days with no work, no learning, no personal development, forget about enlightenment, forget actualizing, etc. Give yourself a chance (out of all your familiar patterns) to remember, you’re doing the whole ‘show’.  You’ll remember your awesome and you love being you, like, a lot. Might even be that the degree that you can deeply let go of all of it, the clearer and more joyful it will all be when you return. All you’ve done in your life has a chance to surface more fully. A trusting acceptance and eagerness of the uncertainty ahead arises once again. It’s for you, that’s why you called it the present.       And there is more. Embodiment and consciousness work- in a dream, there can always be more. But from here, if I’m reading you right, the way is only light, childlike, innocent, free. Embodying unconditional love can not be done seriously. 

Also, it takes a full surrender - it takes all of the relativity. 

[MofO]

@EmptinessDncing

Hi. It is integrated. The part where you see the portion of what should be and not attach to what the mind speaks about the reality of Truth. What the Mind says is always inaccurate the truth cannot be spoken in a possible Sound. The words of your Mind is quite insignificant. Leave them Behind.

[tsuki]

9 hours ago, EmptinessDncing said:

Yes, thirsty still.  My teacher once said to me that it is confusing, just be confused. I think the only thing I'm missing is letting go of trying to understand it. Expectation that it would be something else rushing in to fill the void.  In the vacuum left, everything wants to fill it.  Maybe I just need to be with that.

@EmptinessDncing Keeping the vacuum empty is like building a dam - a damn tiring way to live!
What you need is to be a river that flows, yet its bed is still.
It fills the ocean, but the ocean is never full and the river never gets empty.

9 hours ago, EmptinessDncing said:

I should mention here that I did have a teacher, but he did something inappropriate in the worst way possible, so right after 'realising' I was left with trauma to flail about on my own.  Probably contributes to the confusion.  I got used to having a physical person around to sense deeply his energy etc.   Then gone.  No attachment to him, but no help either.  

Hey! We're here for you if you want to talk. Have a seat with us .

Edited March 7, 2018 by tsuki