Where am I at with my meditation?

[Elysian]

I've been meditating inconsistently for several years, moved to a daily practice a year ago, and in the past couple weeks have been meditating for 2-6 hours a day. I've tried a few different techniques, but always had difficulty implementing someone's teachings. It would end up leaving my mind more scattered than it was, even after weeks or months. I'm not well versed on the language used to describe these phenomena, so I will do my best to communicate how I've come to see it. I decided to sit down and just do what felt right, and this is where it's taken me:

At the beginning of a session, instead of focusing on the breath, I put my awareness on awareness itself, sort of like looking in a mirror. I only focus on what is behind thought, sensations, listening. After 10 minutes to 1 hour, the mind becomes very quiet, and I lose the ability to focus on awareness. Instead, I just experience awareness, with a deeper level of calm. This feels like a shift in awareness, almost like to another stage. I can be here for anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes.

From here, I transition into a more chaotic scene. I start having many visions. Most don't make much sense, some are memories, and rarely I experience memories that I needed to relive to work through and in turn let go of. I've relived traumatic experiences here, where I was able to forgive everyone involved, including myself, remembering suffering is only delivered by others who have suffered, and then let it go. This example helped me deal with anxiety I had been having. If the vision has no significance, I let it go as soon as it comes, and if it does then I follow it to where it leads. Sometimes I don't make it past this point, and could spend upwards of 2 hours here. Sometimes I breakthrough it in as little as 15 minutes. In reflection these visions appear to be my subconscious bubbling up, or awareness diving down into it, but this is just speculation.

At the vision stage, I sometimes let out bursts of energy in the form of jerks or spasms. They've become less frequent the more I have been at these lower stages, and more frequently at places I don't have much experience in. If I make it through the visions, things calm back down. Awareness seems to focus in, and I begin to feel less associated with sensations and the body. Here, instead of random thoughts occasionally popping up, it's these previous visions. At this point I let all visions go as soon as I become aware of them. The energy releases/jerking becomes more common, I speculate because this a newer space for me. Here I feel the need to surrender self completely, and completely dissolve into the experience.

Now we're caught up to present time. There were moments at this stage where I felt like my awareness was almost falling into something, and I would begin to lose my awareness of my body. I would what felt like involuntarily jerk out of it, with a sense of fear.  When I would come out of that state, back into the previous, things in the room would move ever so slightly that it would create sound. I would get that feeling you get when someone enters the room, even though you didn't hear or see them. This would frighten me. I'm a lucid dreamer, and have been since I was a young child. I dream lucidly a few times a week, and associated with that I also learned how to wake myself up out of dreams. Sometimes though, I would wake myself up into sleep paralysis. And there have been times, where I would open my eyes into this sort of waking dream state, and an entity would be there, which seemed malevolent in appearance, but has never tried to harm me. Still though, it frightens me, and this feeling of a presence in the room would remind me of this entity. I have no reason to think it is related, other than that feeling of foreign presence.

After coming in and out of this state of losing self a few times, I began to have pressure build up between my eyebrows. It started off light, then became very intense, almost breaking the threshold into pain. I would start to get a buzzing sensation in my ears, which would last for some time after I stopped meditating. The energy releases at this point are more frequent. I haven't reached this place many times, and when I have I haven't been able to completely surrender, but I'm working on it.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but this is how I've come to interpret my experiences. I would've followed one specific practice, but I've made lightyears of progress following my own path, compared to the brick walls I was hitting following teachings. I do read about other people's experiences in their journey, to see if I can relate to them in certain ways. I would appreciate any comments on how this all sounds, and maybe any advice one would have for me. Thanks for reading this far, enjoy the rest of your day.

Edited March 4, 2018 by Elysian

[Ether]

2 to 6 hours ?congrats

[D-tron]

I've had some of the things you are talking about recently and decided to stop meditating for a week because I was feeling too detached in an uncomfortable way. Just curious if your feeling extremely detached in normal life? I didn't have the visions like your saying but almost all the other things. Body going away, pressure between eyes etc. All the hallucinations are known as "spiritual purification" 

Edited March 4, 2018 by D-tron

[Elysian]

@D-tron I've been feeling increasingly connected. I don't know if it's relevant, but somewhere in the middle of sitting, I switch to meditating on gratitude and love for about 10 to 30 minutes. I'll reach a point of tears, by the depth of gratitude, but also by experiencing the ineffable beauty of life. This helps me live from my heart more, and since I started practicing it, I've felt more emotionally healthy, but also I've developed a much healthier perception/energy. It could be coincidence, but after some time practicing this, my interactions with others seem much more positive and heartfelt/connected. Even before I've even said anything to people I'm just meeting for the first time, their greetings are often so kind and sincere, in away they typically weren't before, that it catches me off guard in a very good way.

Several months ago I had an experience with LSD, and the ineffable beauty of reality became absolutely clear. The wind blowing, my hand moving through space and time, the smile of a stranger, all of these seemingly mundane things that I would normally let pass without notice, had me reaching a depth of joy I have never felt in my entire life, and that I've never seen anyone else express until that day (2 friends of mine also reached this state that day). I had an uncontrollable stream of tears moving down my face, that felt so right I didn't even wipe them away. I would watch a drop of water my arm, lost in the complexity of everything coming together to allow me to even experience it.

It felt like Source, the Multiverse, God, whatever it is to you, was giving me a glimpse of the true nature of creation. It seemed to be telling me that this was just a small fraction of what this life truly is, and that my mind couldn't even handle experiencing anymore at that time. But something else was also very clear, this wasn't a permanent gift, it just made me aware of the state I should move towards. Being that I was experiencing what I would call Heaven on Earth, since that time I've been progressing to be a soul that experiences the world in such a way.

Meditation, practicing gratitude, trying to be my true self, among other things, have been recreating that world right in front of my eyes. Every day I'm moving closer to that place, and in doing so have been connecting rather than detaching. That was the most connected I've ever felt, experiencing myself as a fractal of God, and it's something I intend on embodying, regardless if all of this might seem like an "ego trap" to some.

If it matters, this wasn't my first experience with hallucinogens, and was one of the most enlightening trips I've had.

Edited March 4, 2018 by Elysian

[D-tron]

Yes the metta meditation probably makes a big difference. I felt detached as in detached from my body for 4 days or so. I've been reading it can happen to some people from to much mindful meditation. I felt I was on the edge of depersonalization syndrome. 

[Elysian]

@D-tron There have been times where I would get confused about what body part was doing what during meditation, but that quickly faded after getting up so I'm not sure. I think the way I meditate has a blend of mindfulness, as I'm aware of my body, breath, etc, but I just don't give it center stage. I meditate this way for hours a day, and the only discomfort I get is from sitting position or working through emotional trauma. If you're worried about your mental health I would consider doing due diligence before proceeding, maybe asking a more skilled practitioner. I feel like a newborn in the middle of an ocean, and am not equipped to give much guidance.

[PsiloPutty]

Dang, that's a LOT of meditating! I can't really give a helpful comment as I've only been meditating daily for 2 months, but just wanted to say hi.