PhD / overstrained

[Solvinden]

Hey everyone,

following situation: I never needed to do much for university and even with nearly no work at all
I got two master degrees in regular time with very good marks. Because I didn't need to invest much
effort in work yet to attain my wished results, I tended to waste lots of time which I could have
been investing so much better.

Now the problem: I got accepted at a top university for doing my maths-PhD and I realized that I do need to
put in more effort for beeing able to finish my PhD because if my supervisor doesn't think I'm good
enough, he can kick me out after one year.
Intuitively, I know that I need to become a better version of myself for attaining my goal, the PhD.

Some problems I'm facing right now:
- not confident enough to defend my own ideas if they get attacked offensively (maybe I'm wrong and I embarass myself further?)
- doing embarassing mistakes due to the fact that I do my PhD in a slightly different subject
- If I ask questions, my supervisor thinks they are stupid, so I'm a bit afraid to ask questions
- difficult to make progress in the research
- It seems to be "attended" that I prove a certain result in around 10 days
- generally struggling to building up this "friendly, humorous" relationship with professors
- Briefly: Making a bad first impression

I don't think I'm overstrained but I need to change myself for surviving this situation and honestly
I think that it is good for me that I'm getting stressed out, so that this can be the impulse for me to become a better version of myself.

All advices and encouragements are very welcome.
It was especially important for me to share my situation with some more people.

Love,
Solvinden

[Sahil Pandit]

@Solvinden

 

[Sahil Pandit]

@Solvinden I linked you the video because of the idea of "Growing some teeth" in regards to your first statement about not being able to stand for yourself. 

Clearly, you are intelligent and you have the right to defend your ideas. 

The main ideas are at 3:57.

[Nahm]

@Solvinden It’s your foundation. Discovering it isn’t as solid as needed. What do your morning rituals look like? 

[Elisabeth]

Wait wait wait ... 

if you're doing a phd at a top university, your goal should hardly be as low as merely finishing it 

what about doing good work?

what about your contribution?

where's your curiosity?

are you passionate?

how about getting the most valuable lessons out of working with the best and implementing them in your work?

I know fairly well that we forget in day to day life, but if math is what you find the most meaningful and you're firmly on the mastery path, then other people's opinions of you (and yes, this includes your supervisor!) will hardly matter. You will know for yourself if you're doing well or not, and if you've done your best and he still kicks you out, you're not less worthy because of that. 

Anyway, embarrassment seems to be a fairly normal part of a phd

Edited March 3, 2018 by Elisabeth

[smd]

As Hal Leonard's Mastery book says, you have to be willing to make mistakes, look like a fool, & pick yourself up off the floor when you fall down, no matter how embarrassing.  It appears their job is to be tough on you to keep you on your edge.  If you're uncomfortable, it'll probably keep you at a more present state while focusing on your research.

I imagine over time you'll become accustomed to it.  You may not have any former students to ask about the program, but if you can find any, it might help to figure out how much risk you are actually in for getting removed. Perhaps not as much as you think.

It's likely they'll never be friendly towards you so you'll want to maintain a professional relationship only & no need to please them as they'll never be pleased by anything (or may refrain from revealing it to you if they are).

Congrats on your program.  Sounds pretty neat.

[Elisabeth]

11 hours ago, smd said:

 It appears their job is to be tough on you to keep you on your edge.  If you're uncomfortable, it'll probably keep you at a more present state while focusing on your research. ... no need to please them as they'll never be pleased by anything (or may refrain from revealing it to you if they are).

 

It may actually not be this intentional at all. 

If you're involved with academia, phd is more or less your first job. Your supervisor is bit of a mentor, but also your boss. The other professors are basically your way older colleagues. You're a total noob in a huge organization. You feel like you've accomplished something - finished your master's, yai! - but now you enter a new world, the world of actual research with all its practicalities (the office hours, the financial and administrative worries, the pressure on publishing), and in many ways, you're starting anew. So you are gonna meet all the challenges a person has in their first job + some that are a bit specific to research like the fact that you're meeting - in person or through their published work - with the best people from the whole world, while you're this total noob and it's gonna take you years to even understand what the important questions in your field are. That's how it is. 

So the supervisor having demands - well that's just what a boss does, after all he's responsible for the productivity otherwise the department won't get money. Of course he'll ask you to do work fast, it doesn't even have to be personal, like he thinks you're not fast enough, he just wants the result asap. The professors not being friendly and humorous ... why should they? what's up with that expectation? You're just someone new to their social circle, they don't know you yet. There are perhaps a handful new phd students each year, they're no friends with everyone, probably struggling to just keep up with names   Besides, every department is different just as every workplace is different. 

So yeah. I'm two years into my phd. Not that convinced that I've chosen the right path with physics in the first place, not a good role model, but I can speak about some of the challenges of academia. 

@Solvinden  When did you start? Did you also move to another country for your phd? 

Edited March 3, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Solvinden]

Formally, I started at the beginning of March (a few days ago), but I was also doing some stuff in the last month. In addition, I moved to a new country.

Right now, it's really very much work (70h a week), so that I dont find much time for anything else and it stresses me a lot.

[ppfeiff]

@Solvinden Why do you want a PhD in math?

[Solvinden]

I'm passionate about it.

Since kindergarden I was the guy that was passionately talking about numbers and stuff.

Honestly, the problem isn't so much work itself, but that I don't have time anymore for anything else. 

Edited March 4, 2018 by Solvinden

[Elisabeth]

On 4. 3. 2018 at 8:47 PM, Solvinden said:

Formally, I started at the beginning of March (a few days ago), but I was also doing some stuff in the last month. In addition, I moved to a new country.

Right now, it's really very much work (70h a week), so that I dont find much time for anything else and it stresses me a lot.

1

Yeah, a month is a real start.

As for the hours, sounds pretty insane. You might have to develop some boundaries. 

[Solvinden]

Yeah, you are right. I need to reduce my work load. On the other hand, I don't want to throw this excellent opportunity away. I'll aim for 50h now.

Honestly, there is no activity that I would rather like to do, the work itself is cool. The most important thing for me is deepening my presence. Basically, I would be the most happy if I'd be meditating most of the day.

In theory, I know that I can be present while working, while doing stuff. But in practice it is nearly impossile for me.

 

 

[Elisabeth]

1 hour ago, Solvinden said:

Yeah, you are right. I need to reduce my work load. On the other hand, I don't want to throw this excellent opportunity away. I'll aim for 50h now.

1

Yeah, do that, if that's what is doable for you. 

Did you manage to get to know any fellow students? Does your school run some kind of support group, or even group therapy? You need people to talk to who know your reality. Going to some kind of group where you can discuss your trouble, or even knowing an older student from the same school would be incredibly helpful. 

Meditation is great but you also need to acquire the social skills and get a realistic view so that you don't struggle with imaginary problems; and there's nothing like real-life, honest, interpersonal relationships for that. 

Don't underestimate how stressful it is to start a demanding job and lose your social circle entirely at the same time.