Love Letters To Myself

[Ludwig]

@Nea That very sweet, thank you.

[Ludwig]

The past days i passed through many layers of myself. More and more of my self is dissolving. I found it a beautiful practice to totally give myself to the feelings arising. Utter surrender, gathering all the available energy in that what is right before my eyes. Very soon the mental body is seen through, followed by the physical one. Than continue giving all of myself to the feeling, completely dissolving in it. With every layer that i give myself to, it dissolves sooner or later. Full devotion to whatever i am over and over again. Whenever i jump up a layer or a thought arises i know there is a great fear that needs to be surrendered to. And with this i dissolve and another deeper layer comes forth. Falling and falling and i can't do anything. The pull home.

 

[Ludwig]

What is lacking? is such a powerful question when you really digest it. Like honestly what is lacking right now? Lack of money? Lack of love? Lack of enlightenment? Lack of worthiness? Lack of friends? Lack of a partner?

If there is one thing that cannot exist in infinity it is lack. There only might be an abundance of debt, of loneliness, of anxiety. An abundance of unconsciousness, of sadness, of rejection. It's so relieving. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3SKR1VMxTM

Edited July 17, 2016 by Ludwig

[Ludwig]

Some days ago i watched K-Pax, which deeply resonated with me. It's  about someone from another civilisation visiting the earth, incarnating to help release some trauma. I could identifiy with many parts of character and it made my heart dancing. 

 

The web of ideas, concepts and beliefs that we created for ourself, the web that makes up our reality is so infinetly deep yet on the other hand not there at all. You just have to look all the way through. When you give yourself wholeheartedly to whatever is in front of your eyes, when you totally give yourself to that which IS you, the self construct cannot hold itself up. This untangeling of the web of self is painful because it's the dying of everything you can think of. It's the death of your family, friends, achievements, story. In fact they have never existed in the first place, you created them. Hold your breath for a second and look WHAT is there outside of THIS what is right in front of you? You never experienced anything else than THIS. You have never seen anyone experiencing THIS. The confused someone right here IS you. There never was someone confused or something confusing. Every single bit of what you encounter is infinity. There is no motion. Just utter eternal perfection aware of itself in uncountable forms. This knowingness, awareness, god in every instant it is aware adds another layer of story to itself. If you don't see through this it appears as if you move in time and get somewhere. 

You might not be able to grasp this. You think you intellectualy understand it but can't feel it with your heart. But this is not true. This seperated being that cannot recognize oneness IS you, IS utter eternal WONDER. There is NOBODY and NOTHING else apart from YOU out there. When you realise that you ARE the separation it's gone and life begins unfolding fresh and new in every instant. 

 

[Ludwig]

When we start out there seems to be so much contradictory information about truth, We have no idea where to go, always doubtful if we're wasting our life with this. If you feel this way i have good news. 

The thing is even if nothing makes sense even if you feel you're way to stupid to get there, YOU already did the first step. And NO not your created persona but YOU. Yes, God, Life, Infinity, Truth picked you to realize itself through this vehicle. The beautiful thing is once you get on the pathless path you will NEVER get away from it. You might distract yourself for some time but LIFE already made the decision for YOU, which is for ITSELF. So feel accomplished and tap your shoulder because life can NEVER fail at realising itself. It might look this way but only to make the realisation even greater. In Zen they say "The greater the doubt the bigger the realisation". 

So what to do? Take every challenge, every bit of guidance on your way as something to open up your mind. Let everything be a possibility for you to realise more than you currently do. Don't internalise information, don't make them your own. Rather let them crack you open. More and more. Let them pop more and more of your ego-bubble. It's not wrong to approach truth from many different angles, do what resonates for you. 

Allow yourself to look back on the idea of you from yesterday. Each day see how you expanded without judging how stupid you were some hours before. Let this idea that you're constantly changing incubate. Investigate what has changed, investigate yourself right now, because if this will be gone tomorrow as it never existed what is it then RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW?

Thank you for reading and listening. Much love to you.

Edited August 4, 2016 by Ludwig

[Ayla]

1 hour ago, Ludwig said:

Much love to you

And right back at you ! 

[Ludwig]

Looking at a painting like this, what seperates one person from the other ones and the buildings around? Is one part of the painting better or worse than another one? Not in the sense of how you like it but in its quality, it's essence? Isn't every character you can see made out of paint, drawn on the same paper or canvas?

Yes, its obvious with art.

What if you intuit for a second an infinite canvas, that not only has visual impressions on it but also sound, taste, smell, sensations. This canvas contains infinity, can you allow this idea in for a second? This canvas, because it has no end (and no beginning), portrays infinite lifes and an infinite amount of versions of it. 

So for simplicity let's continue our thought experiment only with you. So because the canvas is infinite it contains uncountable versions of you. One version where you cried at your birth only one second longer than in this version you live out now. One version where you cried one second longer and also woke up one single second later on your 18th birthday. Then one version where you cried one second longer, woke up one second later and picked a blue t-shirt instead of a red one on march, 3rd, 2005. Can you intuit where this is going?

So on this canvas eteranal parallel realities exist, innumerable points of paint. Only that this paint is consciousness. It can shape itself in every way possible. It cannot not exist because it is all that there is. And because it is all that there is, it is even beyond existing because there isn't anything that does not exist. 

So let's go back to you. Because the paint of infinity is consciousness everything in your life, every sensation, is it too. There is nobody perceiving a physical world, nobody hearing a sound, nobody living, nobody dying. Every instant is another angle of the canvas. Between YOU reading this NOW, and YOU reeeeading THAT now is ZERO conncetion. You think you read the first part and than the second. But you didn't. Yes, the one reading this now is not related to anything you think you read some minutes ago. So here is the point: You thinking that you read all this is a unique piece of paint, wonderfully and richly drawn on the eternal self aware canvas. No relation to anything at all exept that it's made out of godly paint on the same canvas.

Does this allow you to experience a more realized version of yourself? A more expanded one?

Don't take that and form another concept about reality. It will only be another angle on the canvas. 

Edited August 5, 2016 by Ludwig

[Ludwig]

 

Self portraits by Maurizio Cattelan. 

[Ludwig]

Tonight it happend for the second time, so i write this because maybe someone of you has made this "experience".  I lie in my bed and at some point my body electrisized (last thing i remember) and then i'm gone. Completely no sense of existence at all. After some time i "come back to life" electrisized. Then  it takes some seconds to make sense of what happend. It happens then several times a night and i don't sleep most of the night. I'm totally aware when my dissolution is about to happen and just before it i know i will be dead the next moment. There is lot of fear manifest in the body at this time although it gets less and less. In my mind what is happening is obvious but when death really knocks at the door that doesn't help at all. 

It shakes me every time how much deeper this eternal dropping back through the layers of illusion goes. 

I feel so deep appreciation and love for everybody and everything. Just where they are, just the exact point where they and i NEED to be together. Utter perfection beyond every attempt to describe. I can only bow down to the beauty of everything however ugly it dresses up. 

 

[Ludwig]

The air is so thick like you can nearly cut it with a knife. The coming months will be quite challenging for many people as there will most likely be more and more outbursts of hate and violence. The way we lived on earth is no longer sustainable. There is a great polarity with more and more people awakening on one hand and unconsiousness, exploitation and fear on the other. The structures we've built on all areas, socially, economically etc can't hold themselves up anymore. 

Let's prepare ourselves as best as we can, open up, see the outbursts of the collective ego as a highway to love and freedom. The choice is in every person alone. Let's choose love although media, people and everything around us seems to freak out.

 

[Ayla]

@Ludwig  - indeed. And eclipses season starting now is bringing that about quite nicely. Many many people feeling the shift in different ways, lovely to watch but also ideal time to assist

 

[Ludwig]

I did everything to become worthy and lovable.

Seeking love in everything i encounter, looking under every stone, reading from every face.

How foolish i must have looked.

See myself in the mirror many times a day, looking, looking.

Obsessively looking for the love and beauty that makes me whole.

 

Never asking why i did it.

Never questioning my experience. 

Why would i even? It's so obvious.

My dad is a nut case, nobody is allowed to get behind all the dark secrets.

Anxious of others finding out who i am - Yet so desperatly seeking them to see me. 

To love me.

 

So much pain, loneliness.

Nothing works.

Endpoint.

Surrender.

 

Infinite support.

Nothing can break me.

Guidance.

 

Gigantic sandcastle.

Becoming aware of what i've built.

With every day adding another dungeon, another torture chamber.

Innocently and lovingly doing so to hold the castle up, to protect it.

Beautifully hiding the castle from children that would destroy it.

Building massive walls to protect it from the water and wind.

Nothing able to touch me. 

 

Slowly opening windows of the castle.

Smelling salty breeze.

Refreshing.

Open one gate after another.

Birds beginning sitting on my rooftop.

 

Crack after crack. Opening after opening.

Looking at every grain of sand. 

Start to build a viewing platform on the highest building.

Water, Trees, Fruits, Laughter, Colour. Joy everywhere i look.

 

Castle turned in a wonderful open palace.

Basking in the beauty on my platform overlooking the world.

At the horizon suddenly seeing a huge wave approching.

No walls, no protection.

Made a mistake, going to be washed away.

 

Wave approaching.

Questioning again. 

Build, destroyed and rebuilt many times.

Never been anything for longer than a flash of a light torch.

Who is building me time and time again?

 

About to be washed away.

No place to go and hide.

Surrender once again, opening all doors.

Flooded. Nothing of the palace left. 

Water and sand melting, dancing.

 

Approaching the world again.

No protection, nothing to protect.

Flashes of the desire to built walls again from time to time.

Memory playing itself out, freely so.

Entangeling on its own.

 

Knowing not a single thing.

Fool again.

Embraced now.

 

 

 

[Ludwig]

Today it hit me how cruel i've been to myself and others. Everytime i wanted to alter them in some way, everytime i tried to see myself in a way other than the way i saw myself, now feels like raping to me. Putting constructs over what is is so harsh, so brutal. Seeing how my teacher never got in my own way makes me cry. Never taught me, never tried to alter me. 

With this i declare once and for all to give everything of myself to this life, to everthing and everybody i encounter. Let me be fully open to hold the space for every single piece of dust. Everyone means so well. I bow down deeply to you. You did so well, you are so magnificent.

I'm so imperfect, so clueless, so lost. Yet so knowing, perfect and embraced.

Much love to all of myself.