ALD-52: Trip Insights

[jwkspeck]

ALD-52, 100mcg. ALD-52 is a synthetic LSD analogue (a legally purchased research chemical), "1-acetyl-lysergic acid diethylamide".

This is a (disorganized) rewriting of certain insights I had during my trip. It’s a little long but written simply. This trip was super confusing and emotionally laborious. Very profound but quite clear. My work here has actually just begun. I've embraced and redoubled my efforts.

I’ve only glimpsed a small facet of the Truth. My inquiry is deeper, and I see greater value in meditation and contemplation. It's become apparent that my pursuit of Truth and of purpose is inextricable. My life and my path is recontextualized in whole. What a mindfuck.

---

At the end, I realized this trip began when I woke up, not when I ingested the substance. In a surreal way, a certain thought began in the morning, disappeared for the duration, then reappeared and completed itself once I'd come down and finished writing things out.

Tab placed sublingual at 2PM, swallowed with water 20~ minutes later. I contemplate mindfully lying down and feel effects just before 3PM.

Inquiry into my existential nature. A vision, with my eyes closed: conscious of my body, my body turns to stone, quite literally. Light overwhelms me and I crumble, disperse into nothing, everything, infinity, God. This is brief, for I realize this is mind, and so the body IS mind.

All form is mind.
Mind is infinite, formless.
The body IS form, all form is one.
The body exists in the mind, the mind exists in the body.
This is God.

Every word is infinite and one part of infinity.

I am literally everything AS IT IS.
“I want” is ego. Manipulation is inauthentic. To want something other than what exists is devilry. The devil is illusion attached to illusion attached to illusion. The light of awareness is a spiritual fire that burns away this illusion.

I can FEEL ego in the body. All tension and pain comes from denial of reality. ALL pain is self-inflicted.

Change is inevitable - everything IS change. To WANT or NEED change causes suffering. The ego’s beliefs make it think that things aren’t perfect - but things must be perfect because they exist!

Through great suffering comes Truth.
Hope and faith in change is not desire or need.
Visions manifest on their own, without a self required to manifest them.

A human is both a robot for creation, yet has a rich psychological background and life. Culture, language, history, evolution and beliefs all tie in with everything else. Nothing is apart.

Juxtaposition and consciousness play key roles in my life purpose. Culture doesn't want to wake the fuck up, so getting my foot in the door is the challenge to focus on. Art and education are vital, as well as relationships and compassion. People are suffering because they want things to be otherwise, and escape begets escape. Purification requires faith. Dogma is always an obstacle.

Physiology and health are so important. Em-BODY-ment. I’ve been very unconscious to aspects of my being. I’ve projected emotional repression so much and have only come to understand I’m the repressed one. This took quite a while to come to light, I was arrogant enough to think I had my emotions figured out. Just the opposite.

I’ve been afraid to get help. I can be strategic about it.
There’s no need to be paralyzed. Fear and confusion are emotionally laborious. I’ve REALLY learned the value of emotional labour.

Emotional healing and integration of my shadow will be a bigger part of my work now.

There has been much destruction through addiction and neglect. There is much to renew.

My values and strengths have changed drastically. My purpose is quite a bit clearer, but still murky. I am both incredibly passionate about my purpose yet feel trepidation towards the amount of emotional labour I will be putting in.

I feel much more passionate about being creative and generating value. I understand I haven't taken enough action, but I won't rush myself here.

Pay attention to judgment. I am LITERALLY everything. Unconditional love is infinite.

Neglect, unhealth and unconsciousness is ego. And yet ego as it is is perfect.

Beliefs are SO much more powerful than I thought.

Mind and body are interwoven physically, metaphysically, literally. Body is form, all form is mind. Mind is existence, nothingness. ONE.

Learning is so important. Evolution and correction is a cycle. Education can NOT be packaged and shipped. It is an individual process. This is huge for my purpose.

Learning about the “I” is very important - psychology as a personal endeavour is much more authentic than academic psychology. Much more difficult.

Delusion is so so so so easy. Vigilance and INWARD skepticism is necessary. I may be deceiving myself with this trip, but I continue to question my beliefs and stay grounded.

Inquiry is the difficult part. Embodiment is even more difficult.

There is no other frame of reference. EVERY perspective has only the one frame of reference!

Conceptual distinctions:
higher “I” is everything, nothing, God, infinite
lower “I” is me, ego, self, illusion
even though it’s all illusion
it’s all a paradox, existence is a paradox
but it is EXISTENCE, it is perfect

It’s all pure magic. Empiricism is so important.

Emotional labour is a process.
High quality is the ideal, not quantity.

“I am therefore I am” is just an appearance, a form!

Everything is appearance.
Every ground is just a surface; every surface its own ground.

Sexuality and emotionality go hand-in-hand.

Self-honesty is key. I need to be able to express clearly to myself to express to others.

Nothing is anywhere and comes from nowhere.

This is a just a game. It’s a self-assessment without grading or a prize. It’s infinite play.
Life is both deadly serious, yet not serious whatsoever.

Culture is largely seductive and unconscious. Infusing consciousness into culture is so emotionally laborious due to this. There are so many traps and wrong turns and reasons not to do this work.

Existence is recursive and empty.

Embodying Truth is difficult, maybe impossible in my lifetime, but it is my mission.

Academia is unconscious, which is so backwards. Education ought to be highly conscious. We ought to be learning about ourselves and existence across every field. Specialization does not take a back seat, but actually becomes deeper this way. Culture is an AWFUL teacher.

Massive action, spending time finding high quality teachers, and the creation of massive value is where the sweetest fruits lie. I.e. hard choices, easy life.

“Consciousness” is infinity experiencing itself, without substance. Everything depends on perspective.

To be “human” is to be relatable, in differing degrees.

The answer to “why?” is obvious.

Psychology is not generalizable.

I thought my suffering was a seeking for purpose - really it was an inability to pay the cost of admission. I am the devil that does not accept reality.

Mind tries to map things onto itself. Self forget that the map is not the territory. And once the map becomes the territory, more maps are made onto that, so on and so forth.

“Others thoughts” and perspectives are incredibly confusing.

Money is interesting to contemplate. My beliefs are pretty backward.

Another vision: conscious of my body, deciding I want otherwise, my being is restricted, tense, boxed in and fractured. I was very mindful of this, and letting go of my desire to be otherwise revealed a relaxing and dissipation of this boxing-in.

I am simultaneously no form, all form, and a subset of forms.

I am far far far from enlightened, but by God am I motivated. Yes, I am somewhat deluded, but that’s kind of the default position, that’s the whole point of this work.
 

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like you struck the motherlode.

Great work!

Such a small dose too.

[Nahm]

@jwkspeck I’m not even half way through and I just have to stop and say, freaking awesome man.  Thank you for taking the time to write this. And welcome back to the love!       Whole report feels like an indulgence for the soul. Really great share.

[Sahil Pandit]

@jwkspeck This is absolutely incredible.. wow.. 

@JustinS

[Nahm]

@jwkspeck I might be outta place here, not sure, but, I am curious. So much conversation on the forum about reality, illusion, enlightenment, embodiment, Absolute, Truth, “done seeking”, “order and fragmentation”, etc - and someone in our community actually goes balls deep into it and no comments on his/her post? No questions? Not even an ‘atta boy’? A word of relating? Nothing? Someone’s missing something. Is it me? It must be me.

@Faceless @Shanmugam @Joseph Maynor @Saumaya @SOUL

[Saumaya]

33 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@jwkspeck I might be outta place here, not sure, but, I am curious. So much conversation on the forum about reality, illusion, enlightenment, embodiment, Absolute, Truth, “done seeking”, “order and fragmentation”, etc - and someone in our community actually goes balls deep into it and no comments on his/her post? No questions? Not even an ‘atta boy’? A word of relating? Nothing? Someone’s missing something. Is it me? It must be me.

@Faceless @Shanmugam @Joseph Maynor @Saumaya @SOUL

I generally dont respond on psychedelics thread. I have never done them, so I dont have much authority to speak about them. 

[Ether]

@Nahm Remember...

 

No expectations kids

[LRyan]

So many profound insights!  Some I couldn't follow or understand but lots of confirmation of my beliefs of what is.

I love the comments on change:

22 hours ago, jwkspeck said:

Change is inevitable - everything IS change. To WANT or NEED change causes suffering. The ego’s beliefs make it think that things aren’t perfect - but things must be perfect because they exist!

 Fantastic.  I get you... 

22 hours ago, jwkspeck said:

Mind and body are interwoven physically, metaphysically, literally. Body is form, all form is mind. Mind is existence, nothingness. ONE.

Thanks for this insight.  It rings true to my feelings and beliefs.  

Such a great report, thanks for sharing..... now a new journey begins!  Good luck.

[SOUL]

@Nahm  Am I expected to comment on threads, especially the contents of a psychedelic trip like this, just because I contribute on this forum?

My perspective about it is if something brings well being and peace to someone's life experience then so be it.

[SOUL]

23 hours ago, jwkspeck said:

ALL pain is self-inflicted.

I didn't read all you wrote but my eyes gravitated to this phrase and I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

So are you suggesting the abuse I suffered as a child and all of the abuse children suffer in this world with the pain that comes with it is "self-inflicted"?

I doubt you meant it this way so there must be more to this drug inspired idea you left out or haven't explored yet.

[Nahm]

@SOUL no. 

[jwkspeck]

@SOUL

20 hours ago, SOUL said:

are you suggesting the abuse I suffered as a child and all of the abuse children suffer in this world with the pain that comes with it is "self-inflicted"?

I doubt you meant it this way so there must be more to this drug inspired idea you left out or haven't explored yet.

I mean it much more literally than you are considering. All your pain is inflicted onto you by you, in multiple ways, whether it comes from internal or external abuse, a broken leg, a house fire, or someone repeatedly stabbing you in the abdomen. The pain is self-inflicted, even if the abuse is not "self-inflicted" (it is, in a different sense), and the suffering results from resisting the pain - which is more than natural. And I am not saying realization begets embodiment.

This is something that you can become conscious of. The difficulty is that you hold your ideas about what "pain" and "self" are as self-evident and clear-cut, rational and non-contradictory (because otherwise you would be contemplating this and digesting, not asking for answers, more language to stomach). But it's too obvious to be able to actually talk about it. No matter how similar, every perspective is so radically different from my own for the very fact that it is NOT my own, and so I can't actually work the comprehension for you. I seriously wish I could.

These words won't reveal this to you, you need to deeply contemplate these things, these concepts and experiences. What is pain? What is suffering? What is self? Your job is to work out your understanding, as a process, with vigilance. Be honest with the beliefs you hold and question very deeply what the truth really is. And again and again and again and again, ad infinitum, for every aspect of your life.

[jwkspeck]

@LRyan

22 hours ago, LRyan said:

lots of confirmation of my beliefs

Be careful about getting stuck in ideology. If this is truly profound, wouldn't you want to use this as motivation to do your own work, to realize these things very deeply in your own way? Language is so tricky. It's much easier to take this on at face value as ideals rather than contemplate and become conscious of these things.

 

[SOUL]

37 minutes ago, jwkspeck said:

@SOUL

I mean it much more literally than you are considering. All your pain is inflicted onto you by you, in multiple ways, whether it comes from internal or external abuse, a broken leg, a house fire, or someone repeatedly stabbing you in the abdomen. The pain is self-inflicted, even if the abuse is not "self-inflicted" (it is, in a different sense), and the suffering results from resisting the pain - which is more than natural. And I am not saying realization begets embodiment.

This is something that you can become conscious of. The difficulty is that you hold your ideas about what "pain" and "self" are as self-evident and clear-cut, rational and non-contradictory (because otherwise you would be contemplating this and digesting, not asking for answers, more language to stomach). But it's too obvious to be able to actually talk about it. No matter how similar, every perspective is so radically different from my own for the very fact that it is NOT my own, and so I can't actually work the comprehension for you. I seriously wish I could.

These words won't reveal this to you, you need to deeply contemplate these things, these concepts and experiences. What is pain? What is suffering? What is self? Your job is to work out your understanding, as a process, with vigilance. Be honest with the beliefs you hold and question very deeply what the truth really is. And again and again and again and again, ad infinitum, for every aspect of your life.

I surely did contemplate it and through an authentic clarity I found the genuine healing, fulfillment and peace of being in my life.

If your belief system works for you then find peace in that but don't become another who projects their personal perspective onto everyone else and the universe as some 'absolute truth'.

There's enough of that 'truthing' going on in this world as it is.

So be it.

 

Edited March 2, 2018 by SOUL