Am I Dying? Does It Hurt?

[DizIzMikey]

So ive come to the realization internally that i cant find michael, michael is just a thought,  and even writing in this context is weirding me the fuck out! Or rather the feeling of weirding the fuck out is arising, totally becoming disidentified with.. well.. who "I" thought was me.

Having a hard time going to bed, each time "me" comes back to the foundation of nothingness or the realization michael doesnt exist.. eerie as shit might one say.

A sudden gasp of air or shock arises within the body, like "michael" is dying the emotional reaction now while writing is sadness and depression but no identity is experiencing it.. wwwweeeiirdd..and the realization that.. uhh michael was never there ever.. sad hurt pain cry anger .. hate ... go away

This one is trying not to wig out.. sleeping next to whatever my daughter is.. a thought perhapps.. deep deep pain

 

Anyways... will one wake up tomorrow? Am.. "I" dying? Scared ..if not than.. wtf is this shock and gasps for? Realization of non existance but was just illusion? Tripping?

Edited March 2, 2016 by DizIzMikey

[Ayla]

11 minutes ago, DizIzMikey said:

Am.. "I" dying?

Whatever is not you is beginning to

[DizIzMikey]

Yeah it is beginning to feel like that, sometimes forgetfulness comes about and realization that "I" doesn't exist, I feel feelings of

Wanna get lost the illusion, wanna go back... perhaps why gaming at the moment.

Notice less anger and argumental stance though, when snapped, snap back into remembereing

hurt,pain, and depression right now...feeling of pointlessness

Hopefully Leo is right and this passes

But oh boy..when "I" get angry, "I" get angry, with a family member I just snap so...thinking that will have to do child hood healing of some sort.

The man who raised me is a bigot, hater, resentful, and an asshole externally, don't know about how he is internally, but might be thinking that he reflects my internal...ew..although this is just another concept so, not sure.

 

[Ayla]

@DizIzMikey ,

Let's suppose an angelic being is coming to you, saying: 

"my child, I have heard your prayer and your longing. I have thus come to you to reveal your true being."

And it shows you the most magnificent being you have ever dreamed of, everything you consider absolutely miraculous is in that being. You remain stroke by Grace, admiring who you really are. But then after a while, you realize that, wait a minute, this cannot be me, because I am looking at it. If it is in front of me, it cannot be me, no? In this same way, what you are seeing right now some things that you currently associate with yourself. YOU are seeing them. Everything that you can perceive, is not you. 

I really recommend you to do this course: 

http://www.teachersofgod.org/40day/

 

 

 

[DizIzMikey]

@Ayla Are you the angel? Your picture is angelic 

 

 

[DizIzMikey]

@Ayla Sorry...I don't do Jesus

2 minutes ago, Ayla said:

@DizIzMikey ,

Let's suppose an angelic being is coming to you, saying: 

"my child, I have heard your prayer and your longing. I have thus come to you to reveal your true being."

And it shows you the most magnificent being you have ever dreamed of, everything you consider absolutely miraculous is in that being. You remain stroke by Grace, admiring who you really are. But then after a while, you realize that, wait a minute, this cannot be me, because I am looking at it. If it is in front of me, it cannot be me, no? In this same way, what you are seeing right now some things that you currently associate with yourself. YOU are seeing them. Everything that you can perceive, is not you. 

I really recommend you to do this course: 

http://www.teachersofgod.org/40day/

 

 

 

Sorry, don't do Jesus... The bible has built scorn within me, due to having a shitty Grandpa as an influence who was all about God and discipline and order. 

 

 

[Ayla]

18 minutes ago, DizIzMikey said:

Sorry, don't do Jesus... The bible has built scorn within me, due to having a shitty Grandpa as an influence who was all about God and discipline and order. 

Well, maybe this is the right time for you to start reconciling with that.  

+ this has absolutely nothing to do with the Bible in any way shape or form  

I can see a big solidness keeping you to the ground. That kind of solidity cannot fly to heaven  

20 minutes ago, DizIzMikey said:

@Ayla Are you the angel? Your picture is angelic 

 

Aren't you?

 

Edited March 3, 2016 by Ayla
+

[Ayla]

@DizIzMikey

You are trying to find freedom FOR the Ego, but you soon may discover that TRUTH is freedom FROM the Ego. 

 

[step1]

In all honesty, this might go against most opinions here but, if you have a family, as in you have children..  Especially young children..  Trying to be free of your ego might not be the best path to take whilst they are young... 

[Azrael]

On 2.3.2016 at 2:08 PM, DizIzMikey said:

Am.. "I" dying? Scared ..if not than.. wtf is this shock and gasps for? Realization of non existance but was just illusion? Tripping?

Dude, relax. Everything is fine. Your "ego" is not dying. And it never will (as long as you live). Even if you awake your ego won't die. It'll just integrate and you stop being constantly bound to that. So it's more like - you know where your ego comes from because you are now able to see whatever this source is.

And then you start to identify more with the source because it is the real you. The ego is just a shield that was brought up in your past to protect yourself from this world and to prevail your will.

So, the process you are undertaking is not dying. I thought a few times on my journey that I'm seriously dying because I was so mixed up by this. That's just normal. Just the process. Your head has to deal with a lot of shit right now and it'll need some time to wrap its head around what is going on.

When I had my biggest gains so far I had weeks of depression afterwards. Deep inner fears, etc. I didn't know what was going on because it just suddenly shifted. Seems to be the case that your "ego" will try to hold on to itself and doesn't want to easily integrate.

But in the end you can just see through that and now - whether I'm in a good mood or not - I'm not really attached to it and it's just fine. I love myself - and my head is just doing its thang.

Edited March 3, 2016 by Arik

[Markus]

I have to say I'm jealous of people who've reached that point. From your perspective of course it might be pretty awful, who knows. But from an outside perspective, it's like: shit, he's making progress!

[WelcometoReality]

On 3/3/2016 at 5:57 AM, DizIzMikey said:

@Makis Yeah it is beginning to feel like that, sometimes forgetfulness comes about and realization that "I" doesn't exist, I feel feelings of

Wanna get lost the illusion, wanna go back... perhaps why gaming at the moment.

Notice less anger and argumental stance though, when snapped, snap back into remembereing

hurt,pain, and depression right now...feeling of pointlessness

Hopefully Leo is right and this passes

But oh boy..when "I" get angry, "I" get angry, with a family member I just snap so...thinking that will have to do child hood healing of some sort.

The man who raised me is a bigot, hater, resentful, and an asshole externally, don't know about how he is internally, but might be thinking that he reflects my internal...ew..although this is just another concept so, not sure.

 

"I" used to play games a lot in the past. It was used as an escape from dealing with "my" emotions. Escaping from reality more or less. It hurt me more in the end to try to escape them than meeting them head on. Have you tried sitting with yours?